It does not matter how close of a friend she has been…your friendship may even date back to Kindergarten or it could be your closest cousin or your sister. The fact is, she is pregnant and you are not. Add to the frustration, she may have just started trying to get pregnant or was not trying at all…already has two beautiful children and whispers to you this was an “oops.” Whatever the case may be, you hear the screaming in your head “THIS IS NOT FAIR!”
And yes, let me acknowledge that it is not fair.
How do you get through this situation? Well if your friend knew you have been trying to get pregnant and are having problems, hopefully she told you in a way that enables you to cope. You may have the sudden urge to fall apart and that’s ok. If you found out in a crowd or at a restaurant it may be very hard to hold it together until you can get some time alone (I acknowledge this is much easier said than done).
When I work with clients through their infertility struggles, inevitably a friend, colleague, or relative will announce a pregnancy. Mustering up a bit of joy for the other couple can bring a bit of peace. Of course, it is always critical to acknowledge all the feelings that are coming up for you in your mind and in your heart. This can really sting. It is a great idea to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal so you can share with your partner or therapist.
Try to find a way to positively acknowledge what has just happened for your friend and try not chastise yourself for also feeling angry and resentful. It is possible for you to have many conflicting feelings at once. Validating your own feelings while trying to celebrate this time with your friend can help to broaden your perspective on the situation and hopefully enable you to feel more whole.
What else can you do? Well if you are suffering with a constant feeling of “why are my infertility treatments not working”, then you might want to take a look at what you are currently doing to see if there is room to incorporate additional strategies to help you cope. This is a good time to sit down and review what you have already done and make plans for the next steps. Movement helps you feel less stuck, so it is important to feel that you are the driver of what is going on with your body and mind.
In working with my patients, we find ways to reduce stress levels so anxiety doesn’t feel as though it’s taking over their lives. It is also important to focus on easing the tension in the body to create a more physically relaxed and less pressured state. I encourage deep breathing, taking some time outside if possible, and enjoying some time away from anything that reminds you of having a baby.