As a marriage counselor, I often see very similar patterns in troubled marriages. The great marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, grouped these patterns into four categories that he labeled “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” – that is, those behavior patterns that are signs of serious marital problems and that, if left unchecked, would doom the relationship. The horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The Four Horsemen Defined
Criticism: In a disagreement, do you try to discuss calmly and respectfully or go for the jugular? Do you pick on the person or on the action? Do you question your spouse’s character? This is criticism, and it’s pretty easy to pick out.
Examples: “You only think of yourself. You never think about how I feel!” “You’re such a jerk.” “I knew you would take the biggest piece of pie. You’re so selfish.”
Contempt: Contempt is criticism on steroids, demonstrating a complete disrespect for the other person: eye-rolling, ridicule, embarrassing the other person in public, sarcasm, and mockery. Sarcasm and mockery by their nature have a component of contempt, especially when it’s a “joke.”
Subtle sarcasm: “You didn’t even clean up the spill? (Eye roll) Of course, I have to do everything around here because you’re not capable.”
Overt sarcasm: “You’re tired? Cry me a river! I’ve been home with the kids all day, running around like crazy, dealing with their squabbling, and still trying to put the food on the table and make the house look nice for YOU. I have enough kids. I don’t need another one.”
Overt mockery: In a crowd: “Did you tell our friends how you ‘fixed’ the dining room light so well that we needed to hire an electrician to fix your ‘fix’? (mocking laugh) The guy said it’s a good thing we called because the house could have burned down! My husband is such a great provider!”
You’ll often hear a contemptuous person say, “Can’t you take a joke??” but it’s never funny to the victim. Research indicates that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated. Period.
Defensiveness: This is pretty understandable, especially when a person feels attacked by criticism or contempt. Imagine the spouse who didn’t clean up the spill: “I did my best, but I can never seem to do anything good enough for you.” Imagine the spouse who took the big piece of pie: “And like you didn’t take the biggest piece of steak? I was really hungry! Because of you, I had to fill up on dessert!”
Stonewalling: This is the silent treatment. When a person is at the point of stonewalling, verbal communication has broken down. This is actually a form of communication in itself, clearly sending the message that the person no longer cares and is no longer trying. It can also be a form of passive-aggressive behavior. Often the stonewalling person does not respond at all, avoids eye contact, crosses arms, or turns away.
Antidotes for the Four Horsemen
Believe it or not, many marriages are able to slay the “horsemen” in their marriages and create strong, loving relationships. It takes work, and both partners need to want it. Usually, one spouse is more motivated than the other at first, but this is often because trust has been damaged. When the other spouse sees that there is a sincere desire to start again, progress can really be made.
Nurture fondness and admiration: Every day, remind yourself of something good about your spouse. There may be plenty of bad in your mind right now, but ignore that for the time being. Nurture some positive thoughts and say one nice thing about him or her every day.
Get to know your spouse: How much do you know about your spouse? Get to know about your partner’s world, beliefs, interests, hopes, and fears. Find out funny things about his or her past: touching moments and sad moments alike. If your relationship is not currently filled with trust, these sensitive details may take time to reveal. So start with fun, pleasant, or just plain practical stuff, like favorite foods, or least favorite – like beets, maybe.
Respond to casual comments: If your spouse says “Hey! Look at that beautiful bird!” while you’re reading the paper, look up. Respond. “Where? Oh! Yes. I think I saw that one before. I wonder if it’s nesting around here.” Don’t just grunt and go back to your paper. And definitely don’t ignore him or her. This is what Dr. Gottman calls “bids” for attention, which are currency for the “love bank.” Respond to bids and the balance in your love bank grows. I’ve seen it work. It sends a message that the other person is important to you, even in small details.
Solve your solvable problems and overcome gridlock in the others: Most problems really are solvable. Find the root cause of the thing that’s really annoying you and you’ll probably find a way to work around it. This can sometimes take some help from a counselor or trusted friend to mediate. Occasionally, differences are inherent in a person’s dreams, values, or personality, and therefore can’t really be changed without changing the person on a fundamental level.
The goal in these cases is to find ways to work around the differences or have a good-natured joke (not a sarcastic joke!) when the difference begins to reveal itself again. Or focus on the good side of the “problem.” For example, maybe your spouse is so easy-going that he doesn’t try to get a raise. He’s just content. Do you love the fact that he’s easy-going? Then be content with a modest income and be thankful for a pleasant husband. Finding ways to overcome gridlock over unsolvable differences often benefits from the help of an experienced marriage counselor.
Create shared meaning: Every family has unique experiences and memories. This is your microculture. Celebrate your history, your family stories, and your traditions to create a strong emotional bond with your own “tribe.”
I’ve seen many couples chase away their personal horsemen and create strong, healthy marriages. It takes work, but it’s well worth it. If you are in the New York City area and need help healing your relationship, give me a call.