How to Offer an Effective Apology

Posted on July 9, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

No one is perfect, and sometimes you’re going to make mistakes that hurt others. When you offend your spouse or partner, you’ve hurt one of the most important people in your life. An apology is in order, but many people don’t quite know how to apologize effectively.

What an apology is not

Many people have trouble admitting they were wrong. Other times, we may think we were right and our loved one took it wrong. In these cases, we may come out with these common one-liners:

  • I’m sorry you feel that way.
  • If I’ve offended you, I’m sorry.
  • I’m sorry I used that tone/those words. 

These might actually be true statements. Perhaps what you said was valid, but you said it rudely. So you are adequately apologizing for your tone, but not your message. You and your spouse might sincerely disagree on something and you regret that he or she feels differently. But you’re not sorry for your opinion, so it’s not really an apology. 

If this is the case, the two of you need to work out your differences until neither of you feels hurt by the other one’s position or opinion. It’s not something to be ignored. Conflict resolution is a skill that must be learned, especially in a romantic relationship. As a psychotherapist and couples counselor in New York City, I have helped many couples find a way to communicate in an atmosphere of trust and respect in order to resolve differences and move forward.

What an apology is

A true apology is recognizing that you have been wrong, acknowledging the hurt, showing remorse, and making atonement. All those steps are necessary. An apology is not saying, “Sorry, but…” If you qualify your statement or make excuses, you’re not admitting your mistake, and thus not apologizing. 

When you’ve done something accidentally that has hurt your spouse’s feelings, apologize as soon as you discover your mistake. Take ownership, even though it was accidental. Don’t assume that because it was an accident, your partner should be able to accept a simple “Sorry!” as a sufficient sign of regret. Let’s go through the steps.

“Honey, I’m sorry I said _______________. I wasn’t thinking about your feelings when I spoke. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did, and I’m very sorry. I’m really trying to learn how to think before I speak. Please let me know if I hurt you in the future so I can get better at controlling my mouth.” 

That’s a sincere apology. You’ve recognized you were wrong, acknowledged the hurt, showed remorse, and demonstrated how you are going to change in the future, which is a form of atonement. This gives your spouse assurance that you can be trusted to not do it again (or at least that you’re trying). This shows true love and respect. 

If you have hurt your spouse intentionally, the situation will require a greater degree of remorse and more significant acts of atonement. It may require multiple apologies, acts of kindness, and gestures of love to convince your partner that you are sincerely sorry. 

An apology must be sincere. If you’re not really sorry, don’t apologize. But discuss the situation with your partner to find out why he or she is hurt. With discussion, you may discover where you have been wrong, and perhaps even where your partner has been wrong, so that you can mutually apologize and move forward. 

Taking responsibility can be hard. Forgiving a spouse for repeated hurts, intentional or unintentional, can also be hard. An experienced couples therapist or counselor should be able to help you develop the skills you need to learn to communicate, to forgive, and to grow stronger together. If you live in or around the New York City area and need help in your relationship, reach out to me for an initial consultation to see how I can help you.

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Perfectionism and Your Anxiety

Posted on July 9, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Striving for excellence is a praiseworthy characteristic. Excellence, however, should not be confused with perfection. In our imperfect world, perfection is impossible; predictably, perfectionism is often linked to anxiety and panic disorder. It is an important part of the therapeutic process to learn the distinction between perfectionism and excellence and then assess whether there is anxiety stemming from trying to be perfect.

The cause-effect relationship between anxiety and perfectionism is not fully understood, but a meta-analysis published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that people diagnosed with anxiety have a higher rate of perfectionism than those without anxiety.

Perfectionism could be defined as hyper-excellence. It involves having such high expectations that there is little chance of attaining the goal. While it’s important to hold oneself to high standards for one’s professional, sport, or artistic performance, or even in interaction with friends and loved ones, perfectionists often set the bar so high that they are practically setting themselves up for failure.

Perfectionists often equate their self-image with their performance. A mistake is a sign of failure, or even being a bad person. The perceived failure often leads to a flood of anxious or negative thoughts, including ruminating on unreasonable worst-case scenarios that might occur because of the mistake, most of which are highly exaggerated but cause tremendous stress. Over time, this can lead to anxiety or panic attacks. 

Perfectionism can also overflow into relationships, as perfectionists may hold others to their same unreasonably high standards, thus creating serious conflicts with their co-workers, spouse, children, and friends. This can be a source of intense stress in a relationship. 

Strategies for excellence without perfectionism

Perfectionism motivates you to do your very best and encourages self-improvement. However, since perfection is an unattainable extreme, you will never actually succeed, causing negative self-evaluation and even procrastination – if you never finish, you’ll never have to look at an imperfect product. Such an unhealthy view of yourself and your work needs adjustment.

Overcoming perfectionism can be challenging because it requires a mental reset. It takes realizing that doing a great job is sometimes better than doing a perfect job. Being excellent is better than being perfect. There are a number of well-known sayings that are variations on this theme: “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” or “Better done than perfect.” 

To a perfectionist, this can be very difficult to swallow. The goal is to gradually lower your expectations of excellence until you reach a level that is challenging but attainable. You may want to work with a counselor, good friend, or mentor to apply this to specific areas of your life, such as your job or creative endeavors.

Simultaneously, look for ways to boost your self-esteem and separate your self-worth from your work. You are valuable as a human being, simply because you exist. You have worth. Find friends who appreciate you for yourself, not for what you’re good at. Volunteer with a charity to serve those who are less fortunate. Take walks to appreciate nature and unplug from the noise of our busy world. 

Practice mindfulness, which consists of appreciating the moment and silencing the inner voice that is ruminating on what could happen or what happened in the past that can’t be changed. Think of the present, and find something to be thankful for right now. You can research many mindfulness techniques online or meet with a good counselor to find which method works best for you.

Try a few of these methods to release some of the stress associated with perfectionism and see how much more peaceful your life can be. If you’re in the New York City area and would like some counseling to get started, contact me to see how I can help.

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Mindfulness and Managing Anxiety

Posted on June 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Mindfulness has become a buzzword in the self-help sphere of late, but there’s little real understanding of what it means and how it can help us. I work with my clients in multiple ways depending on what they best respond to and mindfulness is a tool that can help many patients overcome feelings of anxiety and other mental health issues. However, you don’t need a counselor or a psychologist to start using mindfulness to help you overcome stress, anxiety, and ruminating thoughts. Get started and see how much it helps you.

What is mindfulness and how can it help?

In its simplest definition, mindfulness means being mentally present to the present moment. The problem is, in this fast-paced world, we spend most of our time thinking about the future – getting through the to-do list, finishing that project at work, saving for retirement – and most of the rest of the time thinking about the past, especially regrets. We leave precious little time in our daily lives to just BE.

Worrying from time to time is normal. But anxiety arises when we ruminate on what could happen, imagine many worst-case scenarios, and get trapped in these thoughts. Mark Twain once famously said, “I’m an old man now. I’ve lived a long and difficult life filled with so many misfortunes, most of which never happened.” Anxiety can be so strong that we actually suffer from the things that might happen, even if they never occur. We “rehearse tragedies” that never happen, and they hurt as if they did.

Mindfulness techniques can help us stop and pay attention to where we are right now, including what we’re feeling. If you’re experiencing anxiety at the moment, that also means examining that anxiety, being present to it, acknowledging it. But at the same time, you’re noticing your breath, the air, the sound of birds, etc. Our attention is directed away from interior thoughts to exterior realities, thus interrupting those automatic, reflexive, fight-flight-or-freeze reactions.

Techniques

There are many different specific techniques for mindfulness. A few include:

  • Body scan meditation: Lie comfortably, with your arms and legs relaxed, palms facing up. Focus slowly and deliberately on each part of your body, starting at the top of your head. Take your time and take notice of your physical sensations and your emotions associated with each part of your body. Keep moving until you reach the tips of your toes.
  • Sitting meditation: Sit comfortably and breathe slowly through your nose, noticing the air entering your nostrils and going down into your lungs, then exiting. Focus on the breath moving in and out. Allow thoughts or sensations to occur, but always turn back to noticing your breath.
  • Walking meditation: Pace quietly and slowly, focusing on the experience of walking, the movement of your body, and the automatic subtle shifts that allow you to keep your balance. Notice the parts of your feet adjusting with each step (without shoes on). Notice your breath.
  • Moving meditation: Perform one or more of several different simple stretches, in which you again breathe consciously and notice your sensations.

How to integrate it into your daily life

The ultimate goal is to integrate mindfulness into your general thought process, transforming the way you see the world and the way you respond to things. This comes with time and practice. It’s important to find time daily to practice the techniques that seem to work best for you.

The foundation of a mindfulness mindset is a position of intentionality. Becoming intentional in your awareness of the present moment and the acceptance of your emotions without allowing them to control you will give you the emotional, spiritual, and psychological power to live a more confident, peaceful, and satisfying life.

If you need help reaching this point of mindfulness, we can work on this together, building your toolbox of techniques that work best for you. If you are in the New York City area, give me a call.

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Social Media – Anxiety and Depression

Posted on June 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

More and more studies are showing the connection between social media use and mental health issues such as depression and anxiety. There are many complex reasons at play, and since they are interconnected, it’s hard to say how big a part each one plays. But the bottom line is social media is closely associated with mental health problems and should be used with caution. 

Factors causing anxiety and other mental health disorders

Using social media is a sedentary activity

One major problem with social media use is that we sit while using it. Some doctors call sitting “the new smoking” because of the many health problems associated with a sedentary lifestyle. How many people scroll through social media or load their own content while walking, jogging, biking, or playing a sport? You can’t do it. You have to be sedentary. So that’s the first strike against it.

Social media is addictive

The next is that social media is designed to be addictive. Its algorithms are specifically programmed to keep people viewing, so it can take a real act of will to turn off social media. Many people show symptoms consistent with addiction, including neglect of one’s personal life, mental preoccupation, mood alteration, the attempt to conceal the addiction, and even withdrawal symptoms. It can disrupt sleep, cause distractions at work, and affect productivity. 

The content can be harmful

The content on social media is probably the most troublesome issue when it comes to anxiety and depression. As human beings, we are naturally wired to make comparisons, but this can cause serious problems on social media. It’s sometimes called “compare and despair” anxiety. When we look at other people’s lives through their online presence, we see carefully curated content, pictures in which everyone is beautiful and smiling and having fun, making their lives look idyllic. We don’t know all their problems, we only see the good side they choose to share. Comparing our own lives to their idealized lives can often lead to lower self-esteem, body image dissatisfaction, self-consciousness, anxiety, and depression. This worsens the more social media platforms a person uses.

Social media use can cause FOMO

Fear of missing out (FOMO) is another growing problem. This form of anxiety can lead to worrying that important activities and events are taking place that you don’t know about, causing you to constantly check your news feed. Then, if you happen to see pictures of friends or coworkers together without you, you may wonder why you weren’t invited, creating a feeling of rejection and isolation. 

Notification anxiety occurs from the stress and distraction caused by receiving constant notifications, along with the feeling that you have to respond to everything right away.

Strategies for healthy social media use

I have worked with many clients to help them overcome anxiety and depression, and I have often found that the use of the internet can play a role in their issues. We work together to find ways of decreasing internet and social media use and replacing it with healthier activities without losing touch with the people online who matter to them.

The first step in developing healthy social media use is to evaluate how much time you spend online and what kinds of things you’re looking at. Your phone can give you a weekly or even daily report of your cellphone use (social media, gaming, text, camera, etc.) but you can also download a free app to track your visits more accurately. Most of my clients are shocked when they realize how much time they spend on social media and other online activities. I have found that the realization of how much time is wasted causes many of my clients to be truly motivated to stop.

People are different. Some people can just go cold turkey, deleting all their social media apps and turning off all notifications. Others start slowly, eliminating those that are least important to them, then advising friends that they will be viewing and posting less often.

Here are a few things I recommend:

  • Turn off push notifications for social media and news apps. If frequent texts are a problem, turn off text notifications for all but the most important people in your life.
  • Set times of the day when you will look at your texts and your one or two favorite social media apps. If you work, I recommend you do not look at your phone during work hours but only on your lunch break.
  • You can set your phone for “Do Not Disturb” during work hours and again at night when you begin to wind down for bed so that you are not distracted during those important times.
  • Give yourself certain limited times of the day when you will allow yourself to look at social media. If necessary, set an alarm on your phone for when you will stop, and stick to it.
  • Make note of what kinds of content make you feel anxious, uncomfortable, or self-conscious, and avoid such future content.

I also recommend physical exercise, especially out in nature, if possible, to overcome sitting too much. Exercise and fresh air have been found to be as effective for decreasing moderate depression as medication. In fact, exercise and fresh air provide benefits to every aspect of one’s health, including cardiovascular health, digestive health, respiratory health, and muscle and bone health. So, work some exercise into your schedule every day. If you have been spending two hours a day on social media, you can replace some of that time with exercise.

In moderation, social media use can be a source of pleasure. But if it is causing you anxiety or depression, please talk to a good counselor to help you get your social media use under control and develop healthy habits. If you’re in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help you.

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Growing Apart From Your Partner in NYC

Posted on June 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Our life experiences have a tremendous impact on our growth as individuals. This is why sometimes couples who are together for many years find that they are very different people than they were when their relationship first began. The way to keep your relationship strong is not to avoid changing but to change together.

Signs of growing apart

It’s not uncommon for couples to feel like they’re drifting apart. The good news is, growing together again is usually easy to do, and enjoyable when both of you want it. 

If you begin to sense any of these signs, it may be time to discuss them with your spouse or partner:

  • You feel like you don’t have much in common to talk about (except maybe the kids or housework)
  • You don’t seem to listen to each other or understand each other
  • Intimacy, either physical or emotional, seems to be waning
  • You don’t feel comfortable sharing your deepest feelings
  • You just don’t spend a lot of time together

If you have noticed any of these warning signs, chances are your partner has, too. 

Discussing your concerns

The reason you are growing apart is that you don’t have enough shared experiences (outside of the house and home) in which you can grow together. The simple remedy is to create those shared experiences.

In my practice, I’ve found that the best time for couples to begin the discussion is when they are having a pleasant moment together. If pleasant moments together are rare, you may have to arrange one.

When both of you are enjoying yourselves, you can point out how nice it is and how you’d like to do it more often. To your surprise, your spouse might say something like, “I’d love to! But we always seem to be so busy!” That might be an insight that your partner has also been longing for more time together and maybe didn’t know how to bring it up. 

Share with your partner what you’ve been feeling, but be careful not to place blame. Saying “You’re always hanging out with your friends” is blaming. Saying “I’d really like to spend more time with you and do some fun things together” is a positive and constructive statement. Try not to get defensive if your spouse starts blaming you – hurt feelings may present themselves. Think of it as a sign that your spouse wants the same thing as you do and talk about how things can be different in the future.

Growing together as a couple

Research has shown that happy marriages have long-term physical and mental health benefits. People are twice as likely to report being happy when they are with their spouses than when apart, and activities done together seem more meaningful. Happy marriages positively affect you and those around you, so it’s worth the effort to strengthen your bond.

The first step to strengthening your relationship is to find shared interests, whether they be fun outings, such as sporting events or the theater, or service projects, such as cleaning a city park or working at a food pantry. These shared experiences will give you opportunities to grow in the same direction. You’ll have fun together, have things to talk about together, and develop a sense of purpose together. These shared experiences will also provide opportunities for growth in emotional intimacy.

You don’t have to do everything together, of course. Encouraging each other in individual pursuits and praising each other helps you each to grow in different areas of interest and feel appreciated and loved by the other. By showing appreciation and interest, even these separate activities can help you grow together.

If you have been pursuing hobbies separately, it’s time to find ways to include your spouse and to show interest in what each other loves about that hobby. Let’s use the example of a spouse who loves to play golf while the other loves to paint.

If you’re the painter, you could try to understand what makes your partner love golf so much. Maybe try swinging a club and discover how much skill it really takes! How about creating a golf-related painting to give your spouse as a gift? Maybe go to the golf course together sometime and you paint the course while your spouse golfs.

If you’re the golf-lover, ask your spouse questions about what makes something art or what he or she loves about painting. Try to see what your partner sees, and praise your partner’s work. Maybe go to an art exhibit together and let your spouse teach you something about the artist.

These are just a couple of examples of how you can use each other’s interests as a springboard for togetherness.

Growing together again can be fun and exciting, but it can feel awkward in the beginning. If you are growing apart and you’re not sure where to start, couples counseling can be a great way to get a jumpstart. Find an experienced couples counselor in your area to help you get started on your journey to strengthening your bond. If you’re in the New York City area, give me a call to see how I can help you.

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Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Posted on April 19, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

The word “boundary” seems to have a negative connotation – a boundary prevents me from going someplace; it limits me. But if that boundary was a tall fence that keeps you from stepping off a steep cliff, you would be very glad it’s there! So it is with marriage boundaries. As a marriage counselor in New York City, I have witnessed the difficulties that develop in marriage when couples don’t respect each other’s boundaries. A healthy marriage can be restored, but every couple should strive to set personal boundaries from the outset in order to remain strong – and avoid stepping off that cliff.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are preferences, agreed behaviors, and no-go areas in a relationship. You don’t have to call them boundaries. In fact, you have probably already established some without realizing it. For instance, if you’ve asked your spouse not to look at his or her phone during your together-time, you have established a boundary – no technology during intimate moments. You didn’t have to call it a boundary in order to make that agreement. And that’s the key word – agreement. 

A boundary is something you both agree on in your relationship that can help you grow stronger as a couple and as individuals. But because you are a couple, you need to agree on them, or one spouse may have a tendency to cross the boundary, which is where trouble can begin.

Communicating boundaries

The boundaries of one couple or one individual may be different from another couple or individual. In my example above, some couples may enjoy cuddling, looking at their social media together, and sharing what each other is seeing. Another couple may think that takes away from together time. The challenge is when one person wants to cuddle while focusing on social media while the other wants to cuddle while focusing on each other. That’s when communication comes into play. 

Communication between spouses must be robust and respectful at the same time. Saying “You prefer that phone over me!” is not a good way to begin a conversation on the topic. Saying something along the lines of, “Honey, I really want us to focus on each other without technology when we are together” is a much healthier way to begin the conversation.

Clear communication is critical in order to prevent hurt feelings, which can bottle up and lead to resentment if a spouse feels like his or her unspoken (or unclearly spoken) boundaries are repeatedly crossed. Be prepared for a real conversation. Your spouse may say, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize it bothered you.” You can simply state, then, “Let’s make it a plan that when we are having our quiet time together at the end of the day, for at least a half hour, we look at no technology and focus on each other.” That’s a clear boundary.

On the other hand, your spouse may push back. “I haven’t gotten to look at my phone all day. It helps me relax and unwind.” Or “Why does it bother you so much? I’m here, aren’t I?” Depending on how it’s said, these could be hurtful. Try not to respond with anger or clam up with resentment. Explain why it bothers you. Ask how you two can arrange things so that your spouse can have time to look at social media and you have time for his or her full attention. Quality time together will strengthen your relationship, so it’s worth the effort. 

If you have difficulty with this kind of healthy communication, an experienced marriage counselor can help teach you both healthy communication techniques, which are crucial for a healthy marriage.

Some healthy boundaries

Your boundaries or relationship preferences may be very different from other people’s. One boundary that every healthy relationship must have is no physical abuse or emotional manipulation. You do not have to stay in a relationship where you are being abused. Get away from physical abuse as soon as possible. Emotional abuse can sometimes be unintentional, but the abuser probably is dealing with issues and probably needs professional help. Protect yourself from emotional abuse, even if you decide to try to work on the marriage.

Besides these obvious non-negotiable boundaries, here are a few others that you may want to discuss with your spouse. Again, you don’t have to think of them as boundaries. They are how your relationship is arranged in order for you both to be happy, together and apart.

  • Privacy – Some couples use the bathroom together, others don’t. Some couples have access to each other’s social media or computer files, others don’t. Discuss your preferences.
  • Time – Do you or your spouse need some downtime, alone time, friend time, cuddle time? Talk it out.
  • Space – Do you want a personal space to escape to when you need to unwind? Someplace to do your hobby? Emotional space to work things out on your own?
  • Intimacy – This may include non-sexual cuddling as well as your sex life. Boundaries are important here because neither spouse should feel like a sex toy nor feel ignored and undesired. You are meant to complement each other and bring each other comfort, not to feel used or rejected by one extreme or another.
  • Outside influences – Your marriage is more important than any friend, relative, or hobby.
  • Finances – Discuss spending preferences so that you agree with the uses of funds. Each of you could have a “play fund” where a certain amount of your money is set aside for your hobbies or purchases, thus avoiding arguments over expenses.

Take some time to talk with your spouse about any boundaries you think would benefit your marriage, and if you need help, contact an experienced marriage counselor.

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The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Posted on April 19, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

When you start to experience depression and anxiety, feelings of guilt and shame tend to creep into your thoughts. I help patients process the feelings usually present when they are not feeling well and/or are very anxious about life. When you feel as if you are not doing the right thing or are not far enough along in the world, it is important to pause to evaluate whether your thoughts are justified. More than likely, they are not.  

While the terms guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, they are very distinct emotions with different paths to healing. Simply stated, guilt is when you think you did something wrong. Shame is when you think there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. 

Guilt is usually related to an incident that you feel remorse over, whether it was an action or inaction. It’s also possible to feel guilt for things outside of your control, which is often the cause of survivor guilt. Guilt can also sometimes lead to shame, if you come to believe that there is some personal flaw in you that caused the incident.

Shame is often rooted in insecurity, which may be caused by negative experiences that become internalized. While it is usually fairly easy to find the reasons for guilty feelings, shame usually requires a deeper examination of root causes. 

Self-talk for guilt and shame

When you experience guilt, your self-talk may include statements like, “I can’t believe I did that! What was I thinking?! I really hurt his feelings and I feel so terrible about it.” This can often lead to self-condemning statements such as “I’m so stupid. Why did I do that? I feel like such a terrible person.” These statements, if not checked, can lead to a deeper sense of shame. But if the guilt is caught early enough and addressed, you may be able to avoid falling into the pit of shame.

When you experience shame, the self-condemnation is deeper. Your self-talk may include statements like, “No one loves me. I’m unlovable. I don’t deserve good things. I’m a terrible person. I’m broken and unfixable. There’s something really wrong with me.” These kinds of statements are dark and deeply harmful, making you turn in on yourself and away from others.

How to address guilt

The emotion of guilt can actually be helpful because it can lead you to address behavior that you perceive is wrongful. As a therapist, I work with people through their feelings of guilt to discover the incidents that may have caused those feelings. At times we may discover together that the guilt is unfounded and we discuss ways to overcome the false guilt. But if it is built upon an incident that you determine is truly a mistake that you made, the first step is to address it, take responsibility, and admit you were wrong to the person you wronged. Ask forgiveness and promise to change your behavior. If you must make amends in some way, discuss with the person how you can make it up to him or her. 

Sometimes, if a relationship has been harmed, repairing the damage may take a lot of effort because trust has been broken. But try. If you try to change your behavior, your friend or loved one may begin to trust you again and you can patch up the relationship. I have seen marriages heal when the wronged spouse sees that the repentant spouse is really trying.

One of my areas of focus is cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps people make changes to their lives by focusing on automatic thoughts that lead to specific behaviors. We go through a variety of techniques that can help you positively retrain your automatic reactions and thoughts in order to help overcome actions or behaviors that have led to guilt in the past. 

How to address shame

Shame is caused by deep-seated emotions that may be rooted in past experiences. Psychodynamic therapy, another one of my areas of focus, can help you understand your unique history of thoughts, relationships, and behavior patterns to unlock unconscious internal dilemmas. By looking deeper into early childhood and life experiences you had growing up, we can often find the root causes of shame and help you make more conscious rather than reactive emotional choices.

No one should live with either guilt or shame. Guilt, if caught early, can sometimes be healed without the help of a therapist, but shame often needs the gentle guidance of an expert in a safe environment to address deeper wounds that need to heal. I encourage you to find a competent therapist near you.

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How to Nurture Better Relationships Between Parents and Adult Children

Posted on April 19, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

As we grow up, we develop patterns of behavior in our interactions with our parents. No parents are perfect, and no children are perfect. We all have traits, both positive and negative, that have interacted and sometimes been in conflict with each other. But once children become adults, those behaviors may need to change. 

Changing our behavior may be a challenge because our behavior is based on many years of habit and conditioning. Sometimes that conditioning can roll over into other relationships, especially those involving an authority struggle. How you interact with your boss, what causes disagreements with your spouse, and what makes you pop off at the kids could actually be related to your experiences with your parents growing up, so it’s important to revisit and, when necessary, rewire those crucial relationships.

Psychodynamic therapy does a deep dive into understanding an individual’s personal history and what might drive one’s reactions, decisions, and relationships. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have helped many clients understand themselves more deeply and thus improve relationships with family, spouse, children, and co-workers.

Not everyone needs therapy to heal a relationship between child and parent, though. When both parties are motivated to improve their relationship, a few key steps will help improve your interactions and revive your parent-child bonds.

1.   Act like adults

This can be harder for the child because we can be tempted to regress into old patterns of behavior and a mode of speech that is more typical for children or teens. Acting like an adult means thinking before reacting, trying to understand the other person’s point of view, and taking responsibility for one’s own life. It can take planning ahead of time to be prepared for the possibility that Mom might say that one thing that always irritates you or she may bring up that issue that you feel is none of her business. Prepare ahead of time: how will you respond? Can you flip it around and ask her questions instead, not to change the subject but to understand her motive for asking? Try using communication skills that work successfully in another aspect of your life, like at work or with clients. Treat Mom with that respect and she will hopefully respond in kind. It will be easier each time until you and your mother have created a new habit of interaction.

2.   Take responsibility for your own life

If you ask your parents for money when you’re in a tight spot or assume your parents will babysit for your children so you can go out, don’t be surprised if your parents think they have the right to question your use of money, your parenting style, or your use of free time.

3.   Create boundaries.

Parents are concerned about many aspects of their children’s lives. A study found that while adult children may be concerned about their parents’ health, parents of adult children are concerned about their children’s health, relationships, safety, finances, and more. Your parents have worried about these things all their lives; they aren’t going to stop. Together you need to discuss the issues of your parents’ concerns and determine boundaries. Children need to acknowledge their parents’ love, while parents need to acknowledge their children’s right to do things their own way. Children should still allow parents to offer advice or suggestions without being irritated, but parents also need to let the subject go and let their children make their own decisions once their advice or concerns are shared.

4.   Stay connected

Don’t avoid each other just because your relationship is strained. Studies demonstrate that both parents and adult children fare better if they stay in contact, as long as there is no abuse involved. Working at your relationship with each other will make you better people and will help with other conflict management opportunities you may have. Family relationships are the most emotionally charged. If you can resolve differences in the family, you will have learned skills that will work in any situation.

5.   Honor your parents

Your parents have done a lot for you, even if they made mistakes. They are also a wealth of information about your family history, and what it was like to live during a certain time. In previous generations, everyone had stories about what they were doing when they found out that the Twin Towers were attacked, or President Kennedy was shot, or World War II ended. Wise children collected family history and perspectives of those parents who lived through the Great Depression. Don’t miss your family legacy. Just by asking, by showing interest, you will be showing respect and will improve your relationship with your parents. 

If your relationship is still too stressed, before giving up and cutting ties, ask your parents if they would be willing to attend counseling with you in order to work out the relationship. Find a counselor in your area with experience helping parents and adult children heal the gaps between them.

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Dealing with Anxiety: Set Up Your Apartment for Success 

Posted on April 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Your living arrangements can have a dramatic impact on your mood. Even the layout of your NYC apartment is important. A 2018 study published in the Journal of Urban Health found that apartment layouts in which rooms all branched out from a corridor were more associated with depression in women than apartments in which rooms branched out from a central living space.

We can’t easily change the apartment in which we live, but we can make adjustments to decor that can help lift the spirits and improve mood. I often suggest that my clients make changes at home to support the work we are doing in our therapy sessions. Try some of these things to help improve your mood, especially if winters are dark, dreary, or cold where you live. 

  • Bring in the light: Uncover your windows to bring in as much light as possible. In rooms where you may want privacy, such as your bedroom and bathroom, you could add interior shutters or a curtain that only covers the lower half of the window, leaving the top open to the light. Natural light also helps the circadian rhythm in the brain which sends signals to us when it’s time to unwind and sleep.
  • Change your lights: That said, light sensitivity is commonly associated with anxiety, and certain lights are very disruptive. Fluorescent lights have been found to affect melatonin (which is needed to sleep), increase panic attacks, and even induce seizures. Light from blue lightbulbs has a calming effect. This is not to be confused with the blue light emitted from technology screens, which has been proven in studies to have the same anxiety-producing and sleep-disrupting effects as fluorescent bulbs. Therefore, turn off the screen and let your brain relax. Even better, have parts of your home that are designated “technology-free.”
  • Decorate with blue: Blue light is not the only way blue can have a calming effect. Try painting your walls in blue, adding some blue pillows or a tablecloth, and maybe a wall hanging in a calming blue pattern.
  • Hide the clutter: Cluttered environments increase levels of cortisol (the stress hormone). Put your technology behind a cabinet that can be closed. Remove knickknacks from your shelves so that your shelves look half empty. Thin out your closets and donate your extras to an organization that helps those less fortunate. If it’s hard to let go of things, imagine someone else’s joy in being able to use the item you are considering getting rid of. You will then have the satisfaction of helping others while you help yourself.
  • Add plants: Not only do plants help clear the air of toxins, but interacting with indoor plants by touching, smelling, and caring for them can reduce stress levels. If you’re afraid you won’t keep your plants well watered, ask someone at a plant shop which houseplants best handle neglect. Believe it or not, there are houseplants that thrive when you forget to water them for a couple of weeks. And you can always set an alarm on your phone to remind you to water your plants regularly.
  • Add soft textiles: When you’re dealing with anxiety, soft textures and cuddly blankets are calming and soothing.
  • Use scents to soothe your senses: Lavender is a well-known mood calmer. Try sachets or collections of dried lavender in a pretty bouquet next to the sofa. (As a bonus, lavender is a lovely shade of blue!) Other scents, such as lemon and grapefruit, can brighten your mood and provide positive energy. Consider potpourri or diffusers to provide an enhanced sensory experience to suit your needs. 

Try some of these easy changes to your home and see if they help reduce your anxiety. If you feel you need more help, please find an experienced therapist near you. If you live in the New York City area, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Can a Support Group Help?

Posted on April 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

When we are going through a difficult time in our lives here in New York City, we can benefit from supportive, empathetic people to share our journey with us and help lighten the load. Depending on what the issue may be, a friend, family member, or spouse may be enough to get us through. But sometimes we need others who understand what we’re going through and who have experienced what we’re experiencing, to help us walk that road and come out the other side. That’s where a support group comes in.

Whether you’re dealing with grief, abuse, anxiety, or infertility, there is a group out there for you. Your doctor or your local hospital may be able to recommend local support groups or reputable online organizations. However, a support group is not a substitute for therapy. Working one-on-one with a therapist is often necessary when overcoming deep wounds or events in your life that have affected your ability to cope.

Support groups are often peer-led groups, moderated by someone who shares a common experience with others in the group. These groups can provide you with a sense of belonging, a feeling that you are not alone, and that feeling in itself can be very therapeutic. But be careful; while a well-run support group can enhance your therapy and build upon the progress you make with your therapist, a poorly run group can devolve into individual personalities that can dominate or derail the meetings and possibly make you feel worse.  

Rather than seeking out a support group first, I recommend finding a therapist first, one who is experienced in your particular needs. Interview the potential therapist to find out his or her knowledge of your issues and what type of therapy he or she would use. A good therapist, in the initial conversation, should be able to get a sense of which method of therapy would be most helpful for you. That is not to say that the approach won’t change as therapy progresses – I sometimes make adjustments as my clients begin the process of healing and I assess that a different form of therapy would be more productive at the new stage. This ability to continually evaluate the person’s needs is a product of my empathy, intuition, and years of experience. 

Once you have begun sessions, ask your therapist about adding a support group, if you feel like you would like one. Your therapist undoubtedly knows some reliable groups that have good moderators and can enhance your therapy so that you can progress at a rapid pace toward healing and recovery. 

Find a therapist near you before joining a support group. If you are in the New York City area, feel free to reach out to see how I can help you.

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