Postpartum Anxiety

Posted on April 9, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

You’ve just had a baby, and everyone is so excited for you, but you feel like this wonderful time is nothing but stress. You’re expected to host guests and well-wishers who want to see the baby and congratulate you, but you’re exhausted, worried, tense, and moody. You wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

Nothing is really wrong with you. Your reactions are common and understandable. Postpartum anxiety (PPA) can occur any time within the first year after having a baby, but usually begins within days or weeks of the delivery, and can occur no matter how many children you have had.

As an experienced psychotherapist in New York City who has also worked as a postpartum doula, I have helped many new mothers recover their sense of calm and balance after childbirth.

Baby blues, postpartum anxiety, and depression

A new mother’s emotions can be a bit volatile shortly after having a baby. This is mostly caused by hormonal changes, disruption in normal sleep cycles, family life, and concern for the baby. It can begin a few days after delivery and last a couple of weeks. These feelings generally resolve on their own, as you settle into parenthood and your hormones calm down.

However, if these symptoms seem extreme or if they persist, you may be experiencing anxiety, which strikes about 17% of mothers postpartum. Factors that increase the risk of PPA include:

  • Previous history of anxiety, PTSD, or abuse
  • Limited social or familial support
  • Preterm birth or difficult delivery
  • Poor health habits, both physical and mental
  • Low sense of self-esteem or capability
  • Difficulty nursing or concern because the baby needs to take formula

Symptoms of PPA are not unlike general anxiety but tend to be focused on the baby or parenthood. These may include:

  • Physical symptoms such as rapid heart rate, loss of appetite, shortness of breath, trouble sitting still, or muscle tension
  • Disruption of sleep beyond the need to feed or care for the baby at night; getting up to constantly check that the baby is breathing; jumping at every sound
  • Racing thoughts (especially worse-case scenarios); forgetfulness; irritability or tearfulness; unable to relax; feeling fearful; obsessive thoughts
  • Excessive caution; being controlling or not trusting anyone else with the baby; avoiding certain people or places beyond healthy precautions

Sometimes these feelings can bloom into postpartum depression (PPD), so it’s important to address your symptoms as soon as possible to avoid this possibility. PPD differs from PPA in degree and also in thoughts of hopelessness or worthlessness; overwhelming fatigue; excessive mood swings, anger, or weepiness; inability to think clearly; and even thoughts of harming yourself or your child.

Getting help quickly

Turn to your partner and talk out your feelings to get support during this time of transition. You need help so that you can get the sleep you need, and you need someone to make healthy meals for you so that you maintain your own health. If you have family or friends whom you trust, turn to them for emotional support and share the caregiving.

As a psychotherapist who started as a postpartum doula, I understand what you’re going through. We can work on grounding skills so that you can develop the confidence and peace that you need to trust that your baby will be fine and that you can be the mother that you want to be.

Interestingly, 11% of partners can also experience PPA, so you may want to get counseling together. Your partner can learn techniques to help and support you while getting the help he/she may need for themselves. Find an experienced postpartum counselor near you so that you can address your feelings as soon as possible. If you’re in the New York City area, call to see how I can help.

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Why Saying “Just Relax” Is Not Emotionally Healthy

Posted on April 9, 2026 by AHafkin

Whether you say this to yourself or you hear it from your spouse, friend, or colleague, being told to “just relax” or “just let it go” doesn’t work and isn’t healthy. While it might be true that you need to relax or let go, it’s not that easy. You need to address your main issue—you are stressed, and you want help.  

Yes, you can learn to relax, let it go, and get over it. But the keyword is “learn.” As a psychotherapist in New York City, I regularly help my clients learn powerful tools that don’t just “manage” stress but can actually help to reduce it. We can work together to calm your nervous system, get you through stressful situations, and manage future stress successfully.

First steps

Evaluate what causes you to feel stressed or anxious. What are your triggers? Do they involve specific situations? Individuals? Levels of busyness? Do they come on when you are low on sleep or haven’t exercised in a while?

Sometimes the answer is fairly obvious: “Whenever I don’t get enough sleep or miss my workout, I get really stressed.” This is easy to fix. But if it were that obvious, you probably would have fixed it. So it likely goes deeper.

If you get overwhelmed and stressed when you have too many things going on at once, and you’re just too busy, the answer may be to learn how to politely say no.

But if you evaluate yourself and can’t find an obvious solution, or if the solution is obvious but you can’t really change it (for instance, an extremely stressful work environment or trouble balancing work and family life), then you need to develop strategies to ease your stress and anxiety.

Helpful strategies

We should always look first to lifestyle fixes: nutritious food, healthy sleep, and regular exercise. Involving your family in these steps deepens the family bond and helps everyone be less stressed and healthier together! Walking the dog with your spouse or going to the park to jog with the kids can be a wonderful bonding time and an emotional lift.

Beyond basic self-care, there are many very helpful strategies for de-stressing, but different methods work better for different people. We can work together to see which works for you. Some possible strategies include:

  • Mindfulness: There are many techniques, and I work with my patients to determine which mindfulness techniques work best for them.
  • Movement that calms: Again, there are many techniques. We can find something you enjoy that helps you relax.
  • 60-second reset: There is strong science behind a breathing technique that calms the brain and slows the nervous system reaction to anxiety in just 60 seconds. Here are the steps: Relax your shoulders and get comfortable; breathe in through the nose for four seconds; hold it for four seconds; release the air slowly through your mouth for six seconds; repeat four times.
  • Laughing and smiling: You literally trigger “happy hormones” when you smile and laugh. Get a joke book, tell someone your favorite joke, or watch a funny movie.
  • Doing a hobby you love: Pick something soothing, not something that you will criticize yourself over. For instance, if you try to draw or paint a portrait and it doesn’t look like the person, and that would bother you, don’t pick that hobby.

In our discussions, we will also explore the possibility of a deeper cause for your anxious response to these stimuli. Sometimes, a past event keeps rehearsing subconsciously in your head. For instance, if traffic makes you very anxious, was there a traffic accident in your past that involved you or a loved one, that may still be affecting you? If you are fearful of losing your job if you don’t perform to perfection, is there an event in your past that is creating this fear?

The stress management techniques may be all you need to balance your emotions and overcome anxious moments. But if there is an underlying issue that causes your anxiety, we can explore that together. With deeper underlying causes, there are no quick fixes, since they’ve been there for a while. But together we can create a safe space for you to explore what causes the stress and how to deal with it long before you are in a prolonged state of anxiety. If you’re in the NYC area, contact me to see how I can help you.

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Apps Don’t Help Your Relationship Issues

Posted on March 17, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

Lots of relationship apps have been developed in recent years that claim to help couples connect and bond. These apps offer suggestions for date nights, send daily relationship questions, or help couples understand each other’s emotional needs. 

I applaud every attempt to help couples engage in meaningful dialogue and grow in understanding of each other’s emotional needs. But an app can’t help deep-seated issues that may be causing conflict in your relationship.

When relationship apps can be useful

I have found that these types of apps do have some value. They help couples get to know each other at the beginning of relationships. This can help them determine if they are actually compatible. The apps are also helpful in stable, long-term relationships when a couple wants to renew their focus on each other, as the busyness of life can often distract partners from one another. I think an app is a great idea for helping these healthy relationships become stronger. There are many different kinds of apps with different focuses. If you want to try one, look at several to see which one suits your needs.

When it’s time to seek professional help

Nonetheless, if you and your spouse have been struggling in some area, don’t depend on an app to fix it. If an issue is just beginning to crop up, nip it in the bud. Reach out to an experienced marriage counselor who can help determine if the problem is a communication style difference or a difference in emotional needs. A counselor can help you pick up on each other’s emotional signals and adjust your communication styles so that the other one hears and understands what you’re trying to say (and vice versa, of course). With this knowledge, you may be able to use apps effectively and continue to strengthen your relationship over time.

Couples who are dealing with more extreme issues such as infidelity or infertility need the safe and supportive environment that a couples therapist can provide. The breakdown that extreme issues cause, can often trigger intense responses in a relationship and this is when couples therapy can help.

The value of doing the work together

I applaud and honor couples who are willing to work together to overcome problems for the sake of their love and the commitment they made toward each other. We all benefit from having someone to walk through life with and help us through our rough spots. When you have a partner who is willing to do that for you, life is a little easier. Recognizing what a gift such a person is in your life, will help you both see the value in working hard to keep your relationship strong.

Feel free to try a few relationship apps. But if you need more help, reach out to a good marriage therapist. If you’re in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help you.

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Dealing with Anger

Posted on March 17, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

We often hear of people having “anger issues.” But anger is considered a secondary emotion, generally caused by a primary emotion that is under the surface. The “anger iceberg” can hide deep-seated emotions that can extend as far back as early childhood. 

If you have unreasonable anger or “anger issues” that you just haven’t been able to overcome even though you’ve tried, it is probably because you’re trying to address the symptom rather than the real cause. If you fly off the handle because the cap is left off the toothpaste, or if you find yourself being irritable with your co-workers, spouse, or children beyond what the situation warrants, you may need to look deeply into what other emotions you may be hiding. 

Here in NYC, emotions can naturally run high with the stress of navigating daily life. Managing your career, family, and self-care usually comes with a certain amount of hustle and stress. I work with clients to find underlying causes of the issues that brings them to my office. We can work together to develope tools that can help you slow down and take stock of how you are feeling so that you can assess all aspects of your life.  

Physiology of anger

Anger is an evolutionary defense mechanism. When something triggers anger in us, our heart rate increases, blood rushes to our extremities, and we have a rush of energy, making us ready to fight to defend ourselves and our loved ones. We are ready for rigorous action to protect ourselves! The problem is that most of us don’t face physical danger that requires us to fight. Our perceived danger is emotional or relational, so a different approach needs to be exercised. Learning that approach is critical to overcoming a tendency to anger.

Say no to “anger management”

As a psychotherapist, I don’t help people “manage” their anger. I help them find out what underlying emotions are being masked by the anger. The anger may be hiding feelings such as fear, humiliation, hurt, rejection, loss, frustration, and sorrow. Many of these emotions leave one feeling raw, exposed, and vulnerable. Anger protects us from the vulnerability of these painful emotions. Anger is safer. It also often pushes people away from us, protecting us from more pain.

Most people don’t realize they are doing this. Most people don’t really want to fly off the handle so easily. But subconsciously, anger is the lesser of two evils.

For example, a woman who carries a deep-seated fear of loss since childhood due to abandonment by a parent may consciously want a good relationship as an adult, but anger keeps damaging every relationship she has. Subconsciously, she may be protecting herself from being hurt again. By uncovering the origins of her behaviors and emotions, we can resolve them in a safe environment and work to develop alternative, healthier behaviors and emotional responses to triggers.

If you find yourself struggling to overcome anger, consider the possibility that something else deeper may be going on. A professional therapist can help you find the root causes and work with you to overcome them. If you’re in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help you.

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The Emotional Toll of Infertility

Posted on February 6, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

Infertility can be heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting. Although men and women cope differently with infertility, both feel the emotional impact. Couples should turn to each other for support in order to ease the emotional toll and maintain mental health as they address their fertility challenges.

Infertility treatments—medical procedures, appointments, and medications—can be physically exhausting, draining time and energy from a couple. But the strain on your relationship and your mental health can be just as challenging. It’s important to be aware of the signs of such strain so that you and your partner can avert any escalation of these problems and get the help you need to deal with them.

Red flags

Watch for signs that your mental, emotional, or relational health is suffering and needs attention. For instance, infertility almost invariably attacks self-esteem and leads to the blame game. You may feel defective, inadequate, or like a failure. You may blame yourself or your partner.

Do you ever find yourself thinking, “What’s wrong with me?” “What did I do to my body to cause this?” and even worse, “What did I do wrong to deserve this?” Do you ever think these things about your spouse? Guard against this negative self-talk and these false messages!

Infertility can cause feelings of jealousy towards those who easily conceive or already have children. It can cause social anxiety, making you feel like withdrawing from social situations where you will see children or where people may ask about why you don’t have any children.

You may experience anger or resentment at unsolicited advice or thoughtless words. You may have emotional swings such as bursting into tears and then feeling unreasonable anger or complete lethargy and disinterest.

These are all examples of the emotional toll of infertility, and they should not be ignored. Your relationship with your spouse and any children you have requires you to be mentally healthy and resilient. But what can you do?

Getting help

If your mental health, marriage, work, or relationships are suffering from your struggles with infertility, please know that it doesn’t have to be that way. Find a mental health professional who specializes in treating couples dealing with fertility issues.

Even before reaching out to a professional, your first step should be practicing some self-love. If you’re engaging in negative self-talk, ask yourself, “Would I talk that way to my best friend?” No, of course not! So begin to talk to yourself internally the way you would talk to someone you love who needs support. Then turn to your spouse and offer him or her the same loving support. This is an important first step on the path to healing.

The good news is that addressing mental health issues can improve the chance of getting pregnant. Several studies on the effect of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) on couples dealing with fertility have measured both a decrease in anxiety, depression, and anger as well as an increase in fertility rates. A year-long follow-up among participants found a viable pregnancy rate of 55% for the CBT group and 20% for the control group. CBT is one of the methods that I use to help my clients. Couples counseling during IVF treatments has also demonstrated lower cases of anxiety and depression and higher pregnancy rates.

I encourage you to find a psychotherapist near you who specializes in infertility counseling in order to get the help you need. If you are in the NYC area, contact me today to see how I can help you.

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When Anxiety Is Not Just Nervousness

Posted on February 6, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

Whether you were about to talk in public, take an exam, or say “I do,” you’ve probably experienced the racing heart, sweaty palms, and shaking that go with nervousness. We all have at some point. But how is that different from anxiety? And when do you need help to address it?

Nervousness

Nervousness and nervous energy are associated with a particular event and are temporary, lasting for moments, hours, days, or even weeks, but ending with the culmination of the event. You might be nervous for weeks approaching your wedding day or defending your dissertation for your PhD. But afterward, you take a deep sigh and can relax.

Nervousness can be very uncomfortable—in the moment, the symptoms might even be stronger than general anxiety. Some people with severe nervousness might even faint or feel nauseous. You can lessen severe nervousness with a few helpful techniques:

  • Put things into perspective. Most things we become very nervous about are not that critical.
  • Use your nervous energy to prepare or even over-prepare for the event. This preparation can help to lessen the nervousness, as you become more confident that all will go well.
  • Visualize success. Picture yourself over and over doing everything just right. See yourself giving a great speech—you may even want to imagine tripping up on a few words and laughing about it with the audience. This humanizes the audience in your mind and decreases the fear of mistakes.
  • Use positive self-talk, telling yourself over and over that everything will be fine, silencing the negative self-talk.
  • Right before the event, take deep, controlled breaths and strike a “power pose”—shoulders back, head up, hands on hips. Remind yourself, “I got this!” then go do it.

Anxiety

Anxiety is not as easy to fix as nervousness. Anxiety is defined as an ongoing feeling of fear, dread, or indecision, not connected with a particular upcoming event. You may or may not know what is causing your anxiety, and in fact, there may be more reasons than you can identify. For this reason, general anxiety can be a challenge to overcome. But it can definitely be lessened with some help from an experienced counselor. 

Signs of general anxiety:

  • Constant feeling of stress
  • Uncontrolled worry, ruminating
  • Feelings of dread, but unable to define what you dread
  • Chronic indecision, difficulty starting or finishing tasks, procrastination
  • Doing little tasks but avoiding the big ones
  • Inability to concentrate, racing thoughts
  • Expectation that something will go wrong
  • Moodiness or agitation
  • Digestive problems, tension headaches
  • Poor sleep, feeling “tired but wired”
  • Panic attacks

These feelings can be absolutely exhausting, because unlike nervousness, they never go away. 

Managing anxiety

If you have mild anxiety, some of the same techniques used in overcoming nervousness can be used to defeat anxiety. For mild to moderate anxiety, try these additional strategies:

  • Improve your diet. There is an undeniable connection between how our brain works and the nourishment we give it. Some evidence suggests that gut health and mental health are closely connected, and an unhealthy gut is unable to absorb the nutrients your brain needs for optimum function. Eliminate processed foods and eat healthy foods as much as possible. Avoid alcohol, excess sugar, and carbohydrates.
  • Exercise, especially outside. A brisk walk in the sunshine and nature is as effective as medication for mild to moderate depression and anxiety. Our bodies are designed to be outside. Our brains need sunshine, and our souls need nature. Listening to birds, feeling the breeze, and soaking in vitamin D from the sun is fundamentally healing.
  • Improve your sleep patterns by turning off screens at least an hour before bedtime. Evaluate what kind of content you consume and consider that it may be one of the sources of your anxiety. Eliminate all content that does not build up your mental health.
  • Keep a gratitude journal. Focusing on the positive can completely rewire how we think and can dramatically improve our mood.
  • Smile. Smiling triggers the brain to release mood-boosting neurotransmitters and can actually lower your stress level, even if it feels insincere at first, and even if no one sees you smiling. Of course, if people see you smile, they smile back, which has many other positive benefits!
  • Practice mindfulness. There are many different techniques, and I work with my patients to discover which mindfulness techniques work best for them.

In my practice, I’ve found that these strategies can profoundly benefit people struggling with anxiety. But some people need more help. As a psychotherapist oriented towards psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapy, I work with clients to find the underlying causes of the issues that have caused so much stress.

If you have been experiencing anxiety for an extended period of time or have severe anxiety, there may be deep-seated causes that are best addressed with a psychotherapist, who can help you discover those causes and resolve them. Find an experienced therapist near you, and if you are in the NYC area, contact me to see how I can help.

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Making New Year’s Resolutions Stick

Posted on January 13, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

Our culture has a long tradition of setting New Year’s Resolutions. This is a wonderful idea, but few people follow it—and fewer feel like they’ve actually succeeded in those resolutions. Why is that? The biggest reason is that they have not really reflected on what they want to change in the new year and how they can get there. They don’t have a plan. And without a plan, a goal is just a wish.

January is the perfect time to reset your resolutions, so you achieve success in 2026.  

If you seriously want to make some changes in the new year, large or small, follow these basic steps. If you need some help and you live in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how we can get you set up for success this year. Usually, a couple of sessions is enough to set you on the right path.

And remember, your new year can begin whenever you want! There is no rule that says it has to start on January 1, and you don’t get another chance. Is it April when you read this? Plan for your new year to begin in May or June, once you’ve taken these steps for success.

Step One – Reflect

Take the time to reflect on the past year.

Did you make resolutions last year? Where did you succeed in those resolutions? Which ones were left undone or partially completed? Are they still important to you?

What were some of your successes for the year, and what were some mistakes or problems that arose? Are they still impacting your life? How could you build on the positive and overcome the negative in the coming year?

What habits of action or thought do you have that are helpful and which are harmful? What lessons have you learned in the last year that can be applied to next year?

Apply these questions to the various aspects of your life:

  •  interpersonal (friends, family, work relationships)
  • financial
  • career
  • health and wellness (physical and emotional/mental)
  • spiritual

Most people benefit from writing their thoughts down as they reflect on these questions and apply them to various areas of their lives.

Step Two – Focus

Having reflected on your past year, think about the future and create a big picture framework. You can create your focus using one of the following different perspectives, whichever seems best for you.

Live list vs. bucket list: We’ve all heard of the bucket list: a list of things you’d like to do before you die (or leave a town, or while on vacation, or whatever). But a “live list” focuses not so much on doing as on being. The focus is on living an intentional life, becoming the person you want to be, and making the impact you hope to make. Yes, you can plan things to do, but the goal of those actions is to live a fulfilling life. Famous playwright Oscar Wilde said, “To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”

Your “Why” or Theme: What is your Why? What do you want to do with your life? What can you do this coming year to bring yourself closer to that goal? What will be the new year’s theme?

The year in context: Think about any important events that you expect or hope for in the new year and base your plans with them in mind. You may have a wedding or new baby arriving in the next 12 months, maybe you’re hoping for a promotion, or you may be looking for a new home. If something big is on the horizon—you hope it is—create your resolutions and goals with this in mind.

Priorities: What’s important? Decide your priorities for the new year. Based on your reflection, you may decide to focus primarily on one or two aspects of your life, or you may decide to focus on changing automatic habits that are keeping you stuck or in an unhealthy place emotionally. Changing old habits can be particularly difficult to do alone. It’s sometimes hard to identify the roots of why you do what you do. As a psychotherapist in the NYC area, I’ve helped many people identify the habits, roots of habits, and blockages that make it challenging to change. If you’re in the NYC area and would like to work on these issues, reach out to me.

Step Three – List

Now comes the step that most people begin with. List the resolutions or changes you would like to implement in the coming year. Since you have taken the time to think clearly, you will be able to make intelligent, insightful plans for the future year that have a high degree of likelihood of success.

Bonus – Be at Peace

Remember that you may not hit all your goals for the new year, especially if your list is long. But that’s ok. If you make any progress at all on your resolutions, that’s a success. Claim that success! If at the end of the year you didn’t get too far on something and it’s still important to you, try again.

It’s great to talk to someone who is very dear to you (spouse or closest friend) about some of your goals to help you keep on track. If you would like the support of a professional to guide you through your goals for the next year, reach out to me or to a therapist or counselor in your area. Having a little help can make all the difference in the world.

Have a great new year!

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Technology Drain: How to Combat the Negative Effects of Tech

Posted on January 13, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

Advancements in technology have transformed American society so dramatically in the last 20 years that we often forget that, just about 20 years ago, most people didn’t have internet in their houses, let alone in their pockets! It is really astonishing to think about.

So many benefits have come with this technology, but we are now discovering many problems with it, as well. Though the internet and the cell phone have been a boon for information, business, and communication, they affect us physiologically, emotionally, and socially in ways that no one envisioned when they were invented. These effects are, for the most part, negative.

Numerous studies have demonstrated these harmful effects. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have discovered that the use of technology has caused or worsened many of my clients’ issues.

Cell Phones, Social Media, and Mental Health

There is a great deal of evidence demonstrating that cell phones are associated with a worsening of mental health. People who use mobile phones or social media excessively are often impulsive, socially awkward, shy, or lonely, and may struggle with low self-esteem. These individuals report higher levels of depression, anxiety, stress, and poor sleep. They also report an increase in addictive behaviors related to cell phone use.

Further, social media was intended to bring people closer together, but has, for the most part, caused our culture to become more isolated. How could that happen? Human beings are very complex, as is our society, so there is no one cause for this. But think about your own experiences. How often are you able to have a face-to-face conversation with someone without that person pulling out his or her phone to answer a text or call, or check on something? Studies have actually shown that even the presence of a cell phone on the table can cause people to feel less intimate and connected. It’s as if the whole world and everything in it is sitting there, waiting to break in on your conversation at any moment. The mere presence of a cell phone damages intimacy.

Texting and social media allow people to be satisfied by “connecting” through a few phrases and pictures. This is not conducive to the development of strong relationships. Even worse, cyber-bullying is common and very harmful, and viewing everyone else’s carefully curated pictures online can make some people feel as if everyone else’s life is better than their own.

Physical Health Risks Linked to Technology Use

Possible risks to our bodies through the use of this technology are just beginning to be assessed. Some possible problems include: exposure to electromagnetic radiation, which could potentially cause health issues; “tech neck” from leaning over technology, creating strain on all the muscles in the upper body; changes in brain activity, reaction times, and sleep patterns. Cell phones have also been associated with an increase in car accidents.

What can you do?

After this long list of potential ills from our cell phones and computer screens, one may reasonably ask why we still use them. For good or ill, they are a part of our culture now. Most people are not in the position to eliminate them, nor do they want to. There are still the positive benefits of ready information, easy contact with friends and family, and the handy map app that gets you where you need to go. So how can you use the benefits of tech while limiting the harmful effects?

This will take planning, and you may need some help putting this plan together. If you’re in the New York City area, reach out. I can walk you through the steps that will work best for you. But here’s what I suggest.

  1. Watch your cell phone and computer usage for a couple of weeks. Log what you view, when you view it, and how you feel afterwards. There are some apps for your phone that can tell you how much time you spend on the phone and on what platforms, but you will want to track more details. For instance, if the app says you spent three hours on social media today, log which social media, what you saw, and how you felt.
  2. Notice if certain information or interactions cause you to prolong your viewing. For instance, if you love cats, does your social media of preference constantly present you with new cat videos to watch? Do you watch one after another after another? This is the trap that social media algorithms are designed to create. Their goal is to keep you on as long as possible so that you see as many of their ads as possible. Don’t let them manipulate you in this manner. You are the boss of your time. Become aware of this social media trick and don’t fall for it.
  3. After a few weeks, evaluate. What things make you feel good, and what makes you feel bad? What subjects or social media platforms suck you in more than you would like or make you feel the worst?
  4. What things didn’t you do because of time on the internet or phone? Who didn’t you go out with, see in person, or call when you should have?
  5. With this knowledge, it’s time to scale back. Share with friends and family that you are going to be trying to decrease your tech use. This will allow them to support you on your journey.
  6. First, eliminate the worst offenders, those platforms or activities (including games) that are the most addictive and that make you feel anxious or make you feel bad about yourself. Unfollow certain people or organizations that populate your newsfeed.
  7. Give yourself a time limit for each day of internet/gaming/social media use. Try paring this time limit down gradually as you are more and more comfortable without it.
  8. Make a list of alternative activities to do instead of staring at your phone or gaming for hours. Walk in the fresh air, cook healthy foods, visit friends, or read a book. Do you love the camera on your phone? Maybe get a real camera and pick up photography as a hobby. The possibilities are endless.
  9. Consider simplifying the actual tech that you use. Go back to a “dumb phone” that just offers phone and text. These phones are returning because so many people are de-technologizing themselves.

Taking Back Control

For many people, technology use can feel like an addiction. They may have as much difficulty cutting back as a smoker has difficulty quitting smoking. But the difference is that you don’t have to quit entirely. This is about you getting control over technology use so that it doesn’t control you and harm you emotionally, socially, or physically.

If you need help putting some of these steps into action, feel free to reach out to me. I can help set you on the path to technology freedom.

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Getting Ready for Holiday Family Events

Posted on November 18, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

One of the best things about the holidays is getting together with family. But one of the most stressful things about the holidays can also be getting together with family. We have all experienced this. We love our family members, but some cause friction and can make a family get-together challenging. What can you do?

Usually, the answer is not to avoid family functions altogether, but rather to prepare for them by thinking through what you really want to experience, what you want to avoid, and how to make them both happen.

What you’re looking forward to

Holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, gratitude, and time with those you love. What aspects of each holiday do you most enjoy? Is it seeing the children of the family playing together and opening gifts? Is it having four generations together in the same place? Is it reminiscing about past experiences growing up with your cousins, siblings, or best friends? Or is it singing or skiing together, or enjoying some other joint family fun?

Your own family may have unique traditions you love to experience and don’t want to miss. Start thinking about what you love and how you can make these things happen.

What (or who) you want to avoid

What are some of the issues that you want to avoid? Politics is a common problem area, but it’s certainly not the only one. Personal issues can be much more sensitive and may cause you to dread the next family function.

Maybe you’re dealing with infertility, and there’s always someone who asks when you’re going to have a baby. Perhaps you recently broke up with your partner, and you don’t want to answer personal questions. Maybe you have a health issue or you’re looking for a job and you don’t want to be bombarded with “helpful advice.”

Perhaps you’re traveling in from out of town and don’t want to sleep on the sofa. Maybe your mother expects you to stay for a long weekend, but you want to leave the next morning.

There may be someone in the family whom you would like to avoid. Or maybe you get along great with everyone, but you just can’t handle crowds for a long period of time.

Think through what it is that you don’t want to happen during the holidays. Write them down along with the things you look forward to. Then start developing a strategy.

How to do both

The most important step is to define your boundaries and wishes.

  • What subjects are off-limits?
  • What expectations will you allow others to place on you, and what will you say “no” to?
  • What individuals, if any, do you wish to avoid?
  • How can you facilitate the favorite things you love about the holidays?

Next, communicate your expectations to key people you are likely to see at the family holiday events. Start by offering to help make plans that you will enjoy. If you want to make sure Great-grandma makes it to the party, maybe you can offer to pick her up. Offering to help will make it easier to communicate your boundaries in other areas.

Have some allies who will discreetly put the word out to the worst offenders about what topics are off-limits (like Aunt Sally, who always asks you when you’re going to get married, or Uncle Bob, who loves to tell that embarrassing story from your childhood). Your ally should also be ready to back you up when something uncomfortable arises to help deflect or change the topic of conversation.

Plan strategies to handle these situations if they arise. For instance, if your cousin begins to talk about one of your off-limit subjects, prepare your simple but clear response: “You know, Cousin, I am uncomfortable talking about that (or, that’s a personal question that I don’t want to discuss), so let’s change the subject.” There’s no judgment in your statement, just a deflection, which usually works if the person loves you. If your cousin persists, simply restate “I do not wish to discuss it,” and walk away.

Be ready to say “no” politely but firmly. If you are asked to bring a casserole, a side dish, and a homemade dessert, clearly define what you can do: “I’m sorry, I will not have the time to make that much food. But I will happily bring my famous green bean casserole and a bottle of wine.”

If you need quiet time in the midst of the din and chaos of the party, ask your host if there’s a quiet room where you can “recharge your battery.” Consider taking a walk if the weather is good. You may choose to invite your favorite loved one whom you don’t see very often, so the two of you can have a quiet chat together and catch up.

Finally, don’t set your expectations too high. Remember that you’re not the only one there with life stressors. People are people, and they will step on your toes sometimes, even though they love you. Also, try to be attentive to other people’s needs, and you may find yourself having a better time than you expected.

If you’re having trouble defining your boundaries, coming up with a strategy, or getting buy-in from family, we can work together to establish an approach that will work and find the words to advocate for yourself in a way that is clear but still respectful and loving. Call me to see how I can help.

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Recognizing and Dealing with Generational Trauma in Your Family

Posted on November 18, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Generational trauma, also called intergenerational trauma, refers to psychological wounds that are passed down through family lines, often unconsciously. The recognition that trauma can be passed down through generations is fairly new. Researchers studying the children of Holocaust survivors observed that some children manifested the trauma of their parents, even though they themselves had not experienced the trauma. This discovery prompted a deeper discussion about how this trauma is being transmitted.

The answer to this question is as complex as people themselves. Types of trauma that family members may experience and pass down include:

  • War or other combat trauma
  • Refugee experience or displacement
  • Family instability or abandonment
  • Serious financial instability in childhood
  • Child abuse or neglect
  • Domestic violence, either as the victim or spectator (child of a spousal abuser)
  • Hunger, serious health problems
  • Experiencing, surviving, or witnessing a traumatic or deadly accident or tragedy
  • Impact of alcohol or drug abuse (one’s own or a close family member’s)

People find a wide variety of ways to cope with traumatic life experiences. Those coping mechanisms will affect the way their children are raised. Just some of the ways trauma can be passed on include telling family stories of the events (wartime or Great Depression stories); parenting styles that range from being too controlling and fearful to being too strict or abusive; or repeating the trauma in one’s own family (a parent abandoned as a child might abandon his or her child).

Recognizing generational trauma in your family

Are you wondering why you do what you do or why you feel the way you feel, even though you can’t pinpoint a reason? Do you see certain patterns across multiple family members? The answer may be generational trauma. Some of the signs may include:

  • Repetitive family cycles – for example, multiple generations of broken relationships or substance abuse
  • Anxiety or depression with no obvious cause
  • Difficulty with forming healthy relationships or trusting others
  • Heightened stress responses or chronic stress
  • Extreme emotions, such as anger, rage, or fear; or the reverse: tepid emotional responses or being emotionally distant
  • Common family health conditions, such as heart disease, even if eating well and exercising

When multiple members of the family are experiencing many of the same symptoms, or there seems to be a trend in your family line, it is reasonable to suspect generational trauma.

Getting help and breaking the cycle

In my experience, generational trauma is very difficult to break on one’s own. I strongly encourage you to reach out to an experienced therapist in your area for help. Interview the therapist to find out if he or she has expertise in the unique challenges of generational trauma. If you’re in the New York City area, please reach out to me to see how I can help you.

It is critically important for you to break the cycle, not only so that you can live a healthy and happy life, but so that you do not pass on your inherited trauma to your next generation. As you look for the right therapist for you, consider taking a few immediate steps.

  1. Acknowledge that generational trauma exists. Perhaps you can pinpoint the reason (ancestors who suffered through war, for example), and perhaps you can’t. But you recognize the patterns that seem to repeat through generations.
  2. Try not to blame your parents or recent ancestors, who themselves have been affected by the trauma and probably tried to do their best for you. Not placing blame and expressing sympathy or empathy toward your family members will not only diffuse anger or resentment but also be the first step in healing. It may even help them heal when they know you don’t blame them or hate them.
  3. Distance yourself from people or situations that heighten your trauma. This can be challenging, and you may need your therapist’s help to create healthy boundaries. If you recognize specific situations or individuals that make things worse, start trying to protect yourself physically and emotionally.
  4. Develop some self-help and self-love strategies, such as mindfulness and positive self-talk, enjoyable hobbies, healthy artistic self-expression, or pampering sessions that release stress and make you feel good about yourself.
  5. Find someone you can trust—a friend, spouse, support group—to help you remain focused on your healing rather than on the trauma. Your trusted support will help you stay on track and apply the healing strategies that your therapist will be guiding you through.

Once again, I encourage you to seek help breaking generational trauma. Once you can break the cycle, your loved ones may see your newfound freedom and want to experience that same liberation. Helping yourself may help many other people, in the present and future generations. Reach out to me to see how I can help you.

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