Getting Ready for Holiday Family Events

Posted on November 18, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

One of the best things about the holidays is getting together with family. But one of the most stressful things about the holidays can also be getting together with family. We have all experienced this. We love our family members, but some cause friction and can make a family get-together challenging. What can you do?

Usually, the answer is not to avoid family functions altogether, but rather to prepare for them by thinking through what you really want to experience, what you want to avoid, and how to make them both happen.

What you’re looking forward to

Holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, gratitude, and time with those you love. What aspects of each holiday do you most enjoy? Is it seeing the children of the family playing together and opening gifts? Is it having four generations together in the same place? Is it reminiscing about past experiences growing up with your cousins, siblings, or best friends? Or is it singing or skiing together, or enjoying some other joint family fun?

Your own family may have unique traditions you love to experience and don’t want to miss. Start thinking about what you love and how you can make these things happen.

What (or who) you want to avoid

What are some of the issues that you want to avoid? Politics is a common problem area, but it’s certainly not the only one. Personal issues can be much more sensitive and may cause you to dread the next family function.

Maybe you’re dealing with infertility, and there’s always someone who asks when you’re going to have a baby. Perhaps you recently broke up with your partner, and you don’t want to answer personal questions. Maybe you have a health issue or you’re looking for a job and you don’t want to be bombarded with “helpful advice.”

Perhaps you’re traveling in from out of town and don’t want to sleep on the sofa. Maybe your mother expects you to stay for a long weekend, but you want to leave the next morning.

There may be someone in the family whom you would like to avoid. Or maybe you get along great with everyone, but you just can’t handle crowds for a long period of time.

Think through what it is that you don’t want to happen during the holidays. Write them down along with the things you look forward to. Then start developing a strategy.

How to do both

The most important step is to define your boundaries and wishes.

  • What subjects are off-limits?
  • What expectations will you allow others to place on you, and what will you say “no” to?
  • What individuals, if any, do you wish to avoid?
  • How can you facilitate the favorite things you love about the holidays?

Next, communicate your expectations to key people you are likely to see at the family holiday events. Start by offering to help make plans that you will enjoy. If you want to make sure Great-grandma makes it to the party, maybe you can offer to pick her up. Offering to help will make it easier to communicate your boundaries in other areas.

Have some allies who will discreetly put the word out to the worst offenders about what topics are off-limits (like Aunt Sally, who always asks you when you’re going to get married, or Uncle Bob, who loves to tell that embarrassing story from your childhood). Your ally should also be ready to back you up when something uncomfortable arises to help deflect or change the topic of conversation.

Plan strategies to handle these situations if they arise. For instance, if your cousin begins to talk about one of your off-limit subjects, prepare your simple but clear response: “You know, Cousin, I am uncomfortable talking about that (or, that’s a personal question that I don’t want to discuss), so let’s change the subject.” There’s no judgment in your statement, just a deflection, which usually works if the person loves you. If your cousin persists, simply restate “I do not wish to discuss it,” and walk away.

Be ready to say “no” politely but firmly. If you are asked to bring a casserole, a side dish, and a homemade dessert, clearly define what you can do: “I’m sorry, I will not have the time to make that much food. But I will happily bring my famous green bean casserole and a bottle of wine.”

If you need quiet time in the midst of the din and chaos of the party, ask your host if there’s a quiet room where you can “recharge your battery.” Consider taking a walk if the weather is good. You may choose to invite your favorite loved one whom you don’t see very often, so the two of you can have a quiet chat together and catch up.

Finally, don’t set your expectations too high. Remember that you’re not the only one there with life stressors. People are people, and they will step on your toes sometimes, even though they love you. Also, try to be attentive to other people’s needs, and you may find yourself having a better time than you expected.

If you’re having trouble defining your boundaries, coming up with a strategy, or getting buy-in from family, we can work together to establish an approach that will work and find the words to advocate for yourself in a way that is clear but still respectful and loving. Call me to see how I can help.

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Recognizing and Dealing with Generational Trauma in Your Family

Posted on November 18, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Generational trauma, also called intergenerational trauma, refers to psychological wounds that are passed down through family lines, often unconsciously. The recognition that trauma can be passed down through generations is fairly new. Researchers studying the children of Holocaust survivors observed that some children manifested the trauma of their parents, even though they themselves had not experienced the trauma. This discovery prompted a deeper discussion about how this trauma is being transmitted.

The answer to this question is as complex as people themselves. Types of trauma that family members may experience and pass down include:

  • War or other combat trauma
  • Refugee experience or displacement
  • Family instability or abandonment
  • Serious financial instability in childhood
  • Child abuse or neglect
  • Domestic violence, either as the victim or spectator (child of a spousal abuser)
  • Hunger, serious health problems
  • Experiencing, surviving, or witnessing a traumatic or deadly accident or tragedy
  • Impact of alcohol or drug abuse (one’s own or a close family member’s)

People find a wide variety of ways to cope with traumatic life experiences. Those coping mechanisms will affect the way their children are raised. Just some of the ways trauma can be passed on include telling family stories of the events (wartime or Great Depression stories); parenting styles that range from being too controlling and fearful to being too strict or abusive; or repeating the trauma in one’s own family (a parent abandoned as a child might abandon his or her child).

Recognizing generational trauma in your family

Are you wondering why you do what you do or why you feel the way you feel, even though you can’t pinpoint a reason? Do you see certain patterns across multiple family members? The answer may be generational trauma. Some of the signs may include:

  • Repetitive family cycles – for example, multiple generations of broken relationships or substance abuse
  • Anxiety or depression with no obvious cause
  • Difficulty with forming healthy relationships or trusting others
  • Heightened stress responses or chronic stress
  • Extreme emotions, such as anger, rage, or fear; or the reverse: tepid emotional responses or being emotionally distant
  • Common family health conditions, such as heart disease, even if eating well and exercising

When multiple members of the family are experiencing many of the same symptoms, or there seems to be a trend in your family line, it is reasonable to suspect generational trauma.

Getting help and breaking the cycle

In my experience, generational trauma is very difficult to break on one’s own. I strongly encourage you to reach out to an experienced therapist in your area for help. Interview the therapist to find out if he or she has expertise in the unique challenges of generational trauma. If you’re in the New York City area, please reach out to me to see how I can help you.

It is critically important for you to break the cycle, not only so that you can live a healthy and happy life, but so that you do not pass on your inherited trauma to your next generation. As you look for the right therapist for you, consider taking a few immediate steps.

  1. Acknowledge that generational trauma exists. Perhaps you can pinpoint the reason (ancestors who suffered through war, for example), and perhaps you can’t. But you recognize the patterns that seem to repeat through generations.
  2. Try not to blame your parents or recent ancestors, who themselves have been affected by the trauma and probably tried to do their best for you. Not placing blame and expressing sympathy or empathy toward your family members will not only diffuse anger or resentment but also be the first step in healing. It may even help them heal when they know you don’t blame them or hate them.
  3. Distance yourself from people or situations that heighten your trauma. This can be challenging, and you may need your therapist’s help to create healthy boundaries. If you recognize specific situations or individuals that make things worse, start trying to protect yourself physically and emotionally.
  4. Develop some self-help and self-love strategies, such as mindfulness and positive self-talk, enjoyable hobbies, healthy artistic self-expression, or pampering sessions that release stress and make you feel good about yourself.
  5. Find someone you can trust—a friend, spouse, support group—to help you remain focused on your healing rather than on the trauma. Your trusted support will help you stay on track and apply the healing strategies that your therapist will be guiding you through.

Once again, I encourage you to seek help breaking generational trauma. Once you can break the cycle, your loved ones may see your newfound freedom and want to experience that same liberation. Helping yourself may help many other people, in the present and future generations. Reach out to me to see how I can help you.

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Friendship and Your Mental Health

Posted on November 5, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

There is no doubt that having friendships is good for your mental health. We don’t need studies to prove it, since we see evidence all around us, but there are nonetheless studies that demonstrate the benefits of friendship, not only for our mental health but our physical health as well.

I know it can be hard to “put yourself out there” as you look for friendships here in NYC.  Below, I list several options to get you thinking, which we can explore when we meet.  

People who have close friends are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression; those with friends are also less likely to die from all causes, including heart problems and various chronic diseases.

Conversely, people with low social connection have an increased rate of heart attack, stroke, and premature death. In fact, a longitudinal study of nearly 48,000 UK residents found that social isolation increased the risk of early death by 26%. Put simply, isolation, loneliness, and poor-quality relationships are bad for your health.

Benefits of friendship

Romantic relationships are wonderful and provide powerful benefits to our mental and physical health. But even in the absence of romance, platonic friendships may be equally valuable. Studies show that friendship can provide a variety of benefits, including:

  • Promoting a sense of well-being and purpose in life
  • Increasing one’s sense of self-worth
  • Reducing stress
  • Providing support for changing unhealthy habits in one’s life
  • Helping to process and heal from difficult or even traumatic life events
  • Protecting against or decreasing depression, high blood pressure, and other poor health markers

Making friends as an adult

We all need a tribe. But it can take effort as an adult to find your people. If you’re comfortable diving into a new activity, try taking a class in karate, writing, cooking, or whatever else interests you. Or join a club; there are clubs for almost anything in a big city—walking, philosophy, board games, or just getting together for lunch. You can easily find opportunities online if you search “meetups” or  “meeting new friends.”

If new situations are scary for you, think about what you like and begin taking tiny steps. Do something that makes you maybe just a little uncomfortable but is still doable. For instance, if you like dogs, start going to a dog shelter to visit with the dogs. They may let you pet them to help keep them socialized. Once you’re familiar with the people there, perhaps ask if you could volunteer. This will help you build relationships with people (besides having the joy of being with dogs in need of attention!)

If you like to cook, try helping out at a soup kitchen. You can help in the kitchen at first, and when comfortable, begin working with the guests. Helping others who are in need brings a tremendous sense of self-worth and purpose. In addition, you will enjoy the benefits of meeting people who are also dedicated to helping others.

If you have trouble making friends, are afraid to walk into a crowd of strangers, or are uncomfortable in new situations, talk to a counselor or therapist who can help you look at the roots of those feelings, identify what triggers them, and develop new habits of thought that can help you overcome them. If you’re in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help you develop the necessary skills to build your own personal circle of friends.

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Get Moving in NYC

Posted on November 5, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Our minds and our bodies are intimately connected. This seems obvious because our brains are the central control center of everything that happens in our bodies. But somehow we can forget that it goes both ways: our bodies also affect our brains. This knowledge gives us a powerful tool for improving our moods and addressing mental health issues. 

Physical exercise reduces anxiety and depression, elevates negative moods, improves self-esteem and cognitive function, and reduces social withdrawal. Many studies have examined the mechanisms in the brain that activate this improvement, as well as how much and what kinds of movement are most beneficial. While there are specific suggestions, which you can review with a therapist or counselor, simply put, move in whatever way you like and do it enough to feel an improvement.

Your exercise does not have to be strenuous, nor does it need to be continuous. As little as 30 minutes of moderate exercise, such as a brisk walk, three times a week can help. An hour of movement a day, spread out over the day, also makes a difference. It can include a short walk, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, washing the dishes and cleaning the bathroom, and walking the dog. These short but energetic exercises throughout the day have been found to provide noticeable improvement.

Further studies indicate that synchronizing your movements with another person or a group increases the benefits, even if the person is not with you. For instance, watching an aerobics video and synchronizing with the instructor can still improve your mood, even more than exercising alone.

Of course, it would be even better if you joined a group exercise or dance class. There are many options in New York City. You will not only experience the benefits of movement and synchronization, but you will also get out of your house and meet new people, possibly making new friends. Dancing is particularly helpful because of the added benefit of human touch. These additional benefits multiply to dramatically improve your mental health.

If you’re not already in the habit of exercising, you may want to start with an activity that is not too physically taxing. If you’re not someone who enjoys exercise, you’re less likely to continue a strenuous activity. That’s okay! Many other fun activities require movement. Besides those already mentioned—walking, dancing, aerobics class—you could try gardening, martial arts, or a slow yoga-like exercise program that stretches your body without straining it.

Martial arts may sound hard and stressful on the body, but in the early stages, they include simple movements and concentration on your form. This concentration can be particularly helpful for people who tend to have intrusive thoughts and rumination.

You can also do service work for a non-profit organization that includes exercise. Consider helping a dog shelter by volunteering to walk dogs. You could take sandwiches to the homeless or volunteer at a nursing home, taking people in their wheelchairs for a stroll outside. Helping others helps us feel better, takes our minds off ourselves, and develops relationships.

There are so many ways to move. If you’re nervous about getting started or you’re overwhelmed by the options, talk to an experienced counselor for help. If you’re in the New York City area, reach out to me. It may only take a couple of sessions to help you make a plan and give you the incentive to stick to it.

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Nutrition and Mental Health

Posted on September 26, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

More and more scientific evidence is demonstrating a powerful link between the food we eat and our mental health. Nutrition fuels our brains as well as our bodies. Therefore, we should choose brain-healthy food in order to keep our brains in optimal working order.

The human body is a complex organism in which all the systems are interconnected. They depend on each other in order to function optimally. Correcting one aspect of your health may help to some extent, but usually, healing requires a multi-pronged approach. You may want to engage the help of a counselor or therapist while walking the challenging road to a healthier you.

How biology may affect mood

Your brain manages the function of every system in the body. This means your brain is constantly in need of fuel, which it collects from the food you eat. Certain vitamins and minerals are critical for the brain to function properly. For example, serotonin is called the “feel good” hormone, but in order for the brain to produce this hormone, it needs the proper balance of multiple vitamins and minerals supplied by good nutrition.

Our brains have developed to seek those vitamins and minerals in certain foods that we have been eating for many thousands of years. If we do not feed the brain the familiar foods it evolved to need, it simply will not function properly. This is why prioritizing nutrition is so important for both brain and body health.

Inflammation and the gut

Chronic inflammation is a major enemy of the proper functioning of the brain and all other aspects of the body. The immune system uses inflammation to fight off attacks from outside invaders, such as viruses and bad bacteria. But when the outside invaders are constantly entering the blood through unhealthy foods, it is in a constant state of inflammation.

These invaders enter primarily through a damaged gut microbiome. Our digestive system depends on a wide array of beneficial bacteria that help our bodies absorb the proper nutrients from our food. But when the gut and good bacteria are damaged by chemicals or by food additives that we have not evolved to eat, bad bacteria enter our bodies. The gut lining can be damaged, allowing particles of undigested food as well as pathogens to pass through the gut walls and into our blood, causing inflammation throughout the body.

Chronic inflammation can affect the brain by causing cognitive decline and decreased function in areas of the brain that control dopamine, adrenaline, and epinephrine, the neurotransmitters that manage stress and the “fight or flight” reflex. When these areas of the brain are continually inflamed or are starved of healthy nutrients, they will not function properly and can create feelings of anxiety, depression, fear, and other mental health concerns.

A lot of research is being done on how to heal the gut microbiome. One way is to reduce foods that trigger inflammation and replace them with traditional, naturally fermented foods like yogurt, sauerkraut, and kimchi.

The nervous system

The nervous system is another critical system that the brain directs. It consists of the brain, the spinal cord, and all the peripheral nerves, which send and receive messages throughout the body. The system depends on the proper nutrients to create new nerve fibers, develop neural pathways, and interpret messages accurately. When these nerves do not get the proper nutrition or are chronically inflamed, physical and mental health conditions may develop, such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and other issues. Omega-3 fatty acids have been found to help reduce inflammation in the nerves. They can even help manage diseases such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s.

Adjust your diet, adjust your mood

An estimated 73% of the Standard American Diet (SAD) is comprised of ultra-processed foods, full of additives, chemicals, and man-made oils that our digestive system simply cannot process and which cause inflammation throughout our bodies. Studies have found clear indications that ultra-processed foods are bad for our physical and mental health.

Making matters worse, sugars and chemicals in ultra-processed foods impact dopamine, which is the neurotransmitter that creates addiction. This may be part of the reason why some people have a difficult time giving up their favorite snack food. Not only do these foods harm us, but we also feel cravings to keep eating them.

Practical steps you can take

But knowledge is power. You can take control of your mental health by addressing the food that you are eating and improving your nutrition. This is the first step to healing. In order to understand how different foods affect your body, start by keeping a diary. List all the foods you eat for a week or two and record how you feel—physically and emotionally. You may begin to see a pattern in your mood and sleep, or even headaches or joint pain connected with certain foods you eat.

Go on a “fast food fast.” Decide to eliminate processed foods for a few weeks. You may have to gradually decrease them in your diet to avoid “withdrawal” symptoms. Remember, they trigger dopamine, the addiction neurotransmitter. Simple carbohydrates (white bread, donuts, Twinkies) turn to sugar quickly in the blood. Suddenly decreasing your candy, sodas, and bread may cause headaches and other withdrawal symptoms. Try removing one or two items per week to let your body gradually adjust. But don’t be surprised if you have cravings! That happens with any withdrawal. Try to resist, and it will pass.

While you’re decreasing “junk food,” replace it with healthier options. Choose organic fruits and vegetables, unprocessed healthy meat and fish, eggs and cheese, yogurt (with no added sugar), and other healthy options. This is also a great opportunity to try out different traditional diets and find out which makes you feel best! Experiment with a Mediterranean or Greek diet, a Japanese or Thai diet, or experiment with keto or eating approaches that seem to have helped many people.

You will find that none of these diets include ultra-processed foods, chemical additives, modern seed oils, or added sugars. It is likely that this is what makes them healthier. As long as you can eliminate the products that our bodies cannot properly process, you will probably see a significant improvement in your mental health, regardless of the diet you choose.

Reach out for help

This may be a challenge for you. You may benefit from having a counselor or therapist walk with you while you make these important changes. If you’ve been struggling with mental health issues for a while, you may need some therapy to rebuild healthier thoughts while you allow good food to rebuild a healthier body and brain. If you’re in the New York City area, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Mindfulness: The Secret to Success

Posted on September 26, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Though the word “mindfulness” is familiar to many, few people really know what it means or how to practice it. I frequently recommend mindfulness techniques to my clients as part of my therapy practice as it has a very powerful effect on the body, and over time, it can restructure the brain to become calmer and more positive.

Very simply stated, being mindful means you do not think of the past or the future, just the present moment. It is being aware of the present by purposefully focusing on the sensations and the environment around you, without passing judgment or evaluating them.

This may not sound particularly extraordinary, but science tells us that it can significantly shape the wiring of our brains, thus influencing our thoughts and our bodies.

Effects of mindfulness on the brain

The human brain changes based on how we use it. The areas of the brain that are used more frequently are more highly developed and have more neuron connections. By providing the right input and exercise, we can help the more peaceful and positive functions of the brain grow stronger.

For instance, studies have shown that the parts of the brain that handle emotion regulation and self-awareness are altered in those who meditate regularly (mindfulness is a form of meditation). Meditators also had a weaker connection between the part of the brain that registers the unpleasantness of pain and the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that registers emotions. In essence, meditators still feel the sensation of pain, but it feels less unpleasant to them.

Another important benefit of meditation is the effect on the central nervous system, which handles our automatic body functions: breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, and digestion. The nervous system has two subsystems: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The sympathetic nervous system is the “fight or flight” stress mode—fast heart rate, shallow breathing, slow digestion, etc. The parasympathetic nervous system is the “rest and digest” mode—slow, deep breathing, slower heart rate, and healthy digestion. This is what happens when you begin to fall asleep.

Mindfulness helps turn off the stress mode and turn on the rest mode of the nervous system.

Practicing mindfulness

Although you will begin to feel the effects of mindfulness as soon as you start practicing it, you’ll need to stick with it for a while in order to experience long-term changes in the way your brain and body respond to the natural stressors of life. But once you develop regular mindfulness micro-habits, mindfulness will become a part of your regular routine.

Simple mindfulness techniques can be utilized as soon as you start to feel stress. Others should be planned into your daily routine. Here are a few common mindfulness exercises to try that can be done any time:

  • Take deep breaths. Yes, we have all been hearing for years about breathing. While it may sound boring and cliché, it really does work. Even just a few full deep breaths can change a situation. Turn off your thoughts while you are focusing on the feeling of breathing in and breathing out. If you absolutely have to think, think about your breath: “I am inhaling. I am exhaling.” Don’t analyze, just notice.
  • Pay attention to what you are sensing. Go through each of your senses, one at a time. Close your eyes and listen. Enjoy noticing sounds around you that you usually tune out. Notice what you are feeling. How does the chair feel on your body as you sit on it? How does your shirt feel on your arms? Try this with as many senses as you have time for. You will quickly feel calmer.
  • Take a step out into the fresh air and sunshine and breathe! Listen to birds or notice other aspects of the natural world around you. Many studies show that interacting with nature has a profound effect on lessening stress and decreasing feelings of depression and anxiety.
  • Live in the moment and accept it. This may be a more advanced technique for some people, but try to accept whatever is happening at that moment. If you have a headache, simply acknowledge it without judgment. If you have a deadline that is causing stress, think openly and non-judgmentally about it. “I have a deadline. This is something that happens.” When you can think non-critically about something that normally causes you stress, you are really developing calm and mindful skills. Pair this with a positive awareness, such as noticing the picture of your family on your desk, and you have turned your thoughts around and strengthened positive pathways in your brain.

Mindfulness can help you positively impact your mood and your health. It can help you unleash your untapped potential, no longer tied down by reflexive emotions and instinctive stress responses. If you would like to learn more about how mindfulness can help you overcome stress, emotional blocks, and other barriers to your success and happiness, reach out. Sometimes it only takes a few sessions to help you learn the techniques that will make a real and lasting difference in your life.

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Self-Compassion and Moving Past Regret

Posted on September 4, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

We all make mistakes. But what you do with your mistakes can make the difference between a life of peace and purpose—and a life of rumination and regret. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have worked with many clients who have found themselves stuck in regret, constantly beating themselves up for past decisions. The good news is, you can change your thinking and find new hope and peace. With self-compassion and intention, it’s possible to find new hope, healing, and peace. Take the following steps to help you move forward into a brighter future.

  1. Recognize the purpose of regret. Regret can be a helpful emotion that signals to us that there is something we need to change. Its purpose is not to cause us to wallow in the past, but to help us make better choices in the future. Think about something that you regret; if you didn’t regret it, what would stop you from doing it again? What would signal to you that it was not a good choice? The first step in overcoming regret is to realize it has a purpose and use it constructively.
  2. Acknowledge your feelings. Take the time to grieve whatever it is that you regret. Did you say something that damaged a relationship? Lose a good job because of a serious mistake in judgment? You may even be dealing with guilt and regret for something that caused you or someone else serious harm. You need to recognize that your sorrow is valid and allow yourself to grieve for the loss.
  3. Become aware of your counterfactual thinking and nip it in the bud. “Counterfactual thinking” is a fancy term for “what ifs.” When applied to your regrets, the “what ifs” can be paralyzing. There is no way of really knowing “what might have been” had you not damaged that relationship, not lost that job, or not taken that turn too fast on a wet road. You don’t know. Imagining a future that can never happen keeps you in a state of regret and guilt for imaginary events. When you notice yourself doing this, stop! You are heading into make-believe. Stick to the truth. This leads to the next point.
  4. Recognize that there is no reset button. What’s done is done. You can’t change the past. All you can do is change the future. Use your feelings of regret to make your future brighter. The first step is to fix what you can. If you hurt someone and you still have a way of contacting the person, apologize. Be specific and acknowledge where you were wrong and how you hurt the person. Allow for the person to respond, and accept their anger. They may forgive you, they may not. But apologize, and if there is any restitution you can make, do what you can to make up for it.
  5. Learn from your mistakes. This is the purpose of regret: to help you avoid making the same mistake twice. There are a number of techniques that can help you process the events and learn from them. This is something I work through with clients to help them find what works best. Some people benefit from writing down everything they remember about the situation and analyzing it to see their mistakes and how they can change them. Sometimes, such analysis may reveal that they are blaming themselves for something that was mostly out of their control. They then only need to examine their portion of the event and determine if there was anything they should have done differently. Sometimes, to their surprise, they discover they’ve been beating themselves up for no reason.
  6. Make a plan not to do it again. What steps, if any, do you need to take to prevent yourself from making the same mistake again? Are there patterns of thought or behavior that need to change? Can you do this yourself, or do you need the help of a friend or counselor to help you make that change?
  7. Practice self-compassion. This should take place throughout this process and beyond. How would you treat your best friend if she were beating herself up about something? You would treat her with compassion, right from the start! Do the same for yourself:
  • Forgive yourself. You are not perfect, and you only go through this life once, so you’re going to make mistakes. Perfectionism helps no one and leads to burnout.
    • Try guided meditation and being in the present moment. Meditation and mindfulness help you turn off the ruminating part of your brain, calm the inner noise, and focus on the here and now.
  • Pamper yourself. You deserve to be treated well. Be your own best friend. Eat healthy foods, get plenty of sleep, and do something that makes you feel good.
  • Engage in health-building activities. Find a hobby, take a walk in nature with a friend, or volunteer for an organization that helps others. These activities take your mind off yourself and off the past.

If you need help developing self-compassion, evaluating your past regrets, and taking strides to navigate a better path toward the future, reach out to an experienced therapist in your area. If you are in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help.

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Working Through Male Infertility

Posted on September 4, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Our society focuses heavily on infertility problems related to women. However, men account for infertility in about half of all cases. The focus on women may be because men do not appear to be as affected by the diagnosis of infertility. However, this is not the case. Men tend to internalize their feelings, avoid the subject, or withdraw emotionally. This is not healthy for the man, nor is it healthy for a relationship.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, one of my focuses is working with couples and individuals dealing with infertility. I have helped many couples build stronger relationships and grow in their love as they work together through tough decisions and infertility treatments. They need to make difficult decisions, but when couples know how to communicate with each other in a loving and supportive manner and know how to address their own feelings in a healthy way, they make important progress. This can result in building a family, but also in building a future.

Causes of male infertility and how men react

Damage to the testicles, testosterone deficiency, mumps, exposure to radioactivity, and some medications can cause male infertility. Lifestyle causes of suppressed fertility may include abuse of alcohol or illicit drug use, extreme stress, reproductive tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases, and poor nutrition. Even using lubricants during sex may weaken or slow the sperm. Hot tubs, saunas, and tight underwear can overheat the testicles, creating an unhealthy environment for sperm.

Men often feel the same emotions that women do, but they are less likely to express them. They may show anxiety and depression, feelings of guilt or shame, and psychological distress through irritability, becoming withdrawn, or even behaving as if it doesn’t matter. Men also often see infertility as a blow to their male ego or their masculinity. The traditional desire to pass on the family name can seem impossible and this can increase feelings of guilt or denial.

Sometimes, while a man may be feeling great sorrow internally, he may try to deflect by making unhelpful and hurtful comments. These comments can be deeply hurtful to the partner who wants to have a family. They might see their partner as insensitive and heartless when, in reality, the opposite is the case. When these misunderstandings occur, relationships are deeply shaken. Counseling is very important to help a man cope in a healthy way and to help the couple work together toward a family and a healthy relationship.

Making treatment decisions

The good news is that complete infertility is fairly rare in men. There is usually a method of achieving conception. If you find yourself struggling with infertility, the first thing you should do is to educate yourself about male infertility and determine what factors may be contributing to your condition. A fertility specialist will also help you with this, but be sure to do your own research, as well. There are also many natural things you can do to improve the health and quantity of sperm.

Consider what lifestyle changes you need to make to help improve your fertility. Get a medical evaluation to determine if you have any health issues or infections that may be affecting your overall health. Come up with some shared interests that you and your partner can participate in together that will improve the health and fertility of both of you: healthful foods, exercise (but don’t overheat your groin!), de-stressing together with a nature walk, etc.

If medical intervention is necessary, there are many options, including:

  • Surgery to repair an obstruction or other physical cause
  • Hormone therapy to correct hormone levels
  • Artificial insemination: sperm are introduced into the woman’s reproductive system
  • In vitro fertilization: mature eggs and sperm are fertilized in a lab and then placed in the woman’s reproductive system
  • Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI): One sperm is directly injected into an egg to ensure fertilization, then placed in the woman’s reproductive system

If you and your partner are having difficulty communicating about your infertility, or if you need help thinking through the implications of the various medical interventions available, find a therapist in your area who is an expert in working with couples going through infertility. You will find therapy to be invaluable, as you work through those big questions and try to strengthen your relationship at the same time. You will need to have a strong and loving relationship to raise your baby together in a healthy environment. If you live in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

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New Fathers and Their Mental Health

Posted on August 7, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Welcoming a new child into the family is a time of great excitement and joy. But it can also be a time of stress, especially with the first child, since you’re entering into an entirely new experience. Most attention is placed on the mother and child, which is certainly understandable. Still, the new father has many new responsibilities and emotions to deal with as well, which can sometimes lead to confusion, irritability, anxiety, or depression. Up to 18% of new fathers experience generalized anxiety, OCD, or PTSD during the first year of a new baby’s life, so it’s important to take steps to protect your mental health.

Pressures on new fathers

Society and new fathers themselves place a lot of pressure on new dads. Fathers feel a powerful desire to protect and provide for the mother and child, and this is a very important part of a man’s healthy emotions. But it can lead to fear, anxiety, and worry, especially if the family is going through some financial stress or if the family lives in a less-than-safe neighborhood. A father can find himself ruminating on possible future problems, like “What if I lose my job?” or “How will we pay for college?” Future fears stoke current anxiety.

Babies can be expensive, too, with the cost of diapers, doctor appointments, clothing, and other baby necessities. A father might find himself worrying about how they will make ends meet, increasing the feeling of pressure to find more ways to provide.

The father may also feel like he doesn’t know anything about babies and is afraid to do something wrong. A mother’s bond with the baby can be very strong because she has been carrying the child in her womb for over nine months and breastfeeding can increase that sense of attachment. Fathers can feel left out or unable to address a child’s needs and may just hand the child to the mom when the baby starts to cry. This further instills in the father a feeling of helplessness and lack of bonding. Some may fathers start to feel that their baby doesn’t want to be with them, leading to a cycle of negative thoughts that can create distance between a father and child.

Changes in the home

We have all heard of postpartum depression (PPD), which describes the depression that can come upon new mothers due to drastic hormonal changes and the pressures of caring for a new baby. Paternal postnatal depression (PPND), which can affect 1 in 10 fathers and affects half of the fathers whose wives are experiencing PPD, is less well known. So if your wife is experiencing depression, there is a strong possibility it will affect you, as well.

The household now revolves around the baby, as it should in the beginning. The baby needs constant care and doesn’t sleep through the night. You will need to share chores, and the time that you used to be able to spend with your spouse will all but disappear, or will have to be shared with the baby. Oftentimes, people will fuss over the mother and child, almost forgetting the father.

A new father can feel lonely, resentful, or taken for granted during the early months of a child’s life. Recognizing these feelings can then make the father feel guilty for thinking of himself rather than being thankful and joyful, and putting his new family first.

Addressing these issues

Although men are generally less willing to talk about their feelings, one of the most important steps in addressing these new-father emotions is to discuss them. Share with your partner how you are feeling, without accusing or blaming her. She is undoubtedly going through some strong emotions herself, many of them linked to her hormones realigning after the birth. She probably has already shared them with you, so take time to discuss yours, as well, in a manner that says “we’re in this together, honey!” This can help you find ways to support each other through this exciting but sometimes challenging time.

Connect with other new fathers in a support group. You may be fortunate to find an older man who can mentor you, as well, but remember that former generations had a different view of fatherhood. Take the good advice that he can give, as his wisdom will help you, but remember that it is important to address your emotions and not ignore them, which was the expectation of men in the past.

Work to bond with your baby. Skin-on-skin contact is very important for the baby’s emotional and physical development. Hold your baby against your chest, both of you shirtless, and let your baby hear and feel your heartbeat.  Both you and the baby will feel a strengthening of your bond. Talk to your baby so he or she will come to know your voice. Don’t immediately turn the baby over to the mother when your child begins to cry; find ways of soothing your child yourself. Unless the child is hungry and is nursing, you are just as capable of soothing a crying baby as the mother is.

Take on some baby chores, giving your wife a break and furthering your baby-bond. Changing diapers isn’t the most fun activity, but there are ways to make diaper changing an adventure and fun.

Take time for yourself, too. Don’t completely give up a fun hobby or time with friends, even if you may not be able to do it as much as you used to. You are still you, and you need to nurture yourself sometimes to be stronger for your family.

Consider getting help

Big changes are not easy. Even when you expect to feel overjoyed, it can still be hard. Recognize that it’s normal to feel this way if your emotions are mild, and you can manage them by applying these helpful suggestions.

But if you are feeling a strong sense of depression, worry, anger, or thoughts of harming yourself or others, seek immediate help from a nearby mental health professional who specializes in PPD and PPND. Call or text 988 any time, 24/7, for mental health crisis support, especially concerning self-harm or violent feelings.

If you are in the New York City area and want help sorting out your emotions as a new father, reach out to me to see how I can help you.

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Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Marriage

Posted on August 7, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Money is one of the most common conflicts that can crop up in marriage and many couples say it is their most challenging relationship issue. Fortunately, there are very effective ways to resolve such conflicts and bring you and your partner into alignment around the subject of money and spending. It’s important not to let resentment build up.

Personality differences

Conflicts can arise when one of you feels the other is overspending or should be doing something to increase income. This could be a difference in upbringing or personality. One of you might have been raised in a home where money was always tight and reserved for necessities. Seeing your spouse spend money on something you think is frivolous may bring up deep-seated feelings of financial instability. These feelings might generate fear or anger that you may not even be aware of. These negative feelings then get directed toward your spouse, who may have an easier-going attitude toward money.

Maybe you are a planner and saver, with a big dream for a major future purchase, but your partner believes in enjoying life in the here and now and wants to take family trips or buy extras to enjoy in the present. You may be risk-averse while your spouse is open to riskier investments, which can also cause conflict.

Or maybe one of you works and the other stays home with the kids, and the worker feels like the stay-at-home parent doesn’t appreciate how hard it is to financially support a family.

 Financial realities

Personality differences are probably always going to be present, but there could also be serious financial circumstances that need to be addressed, for instance:

  • Household expenses may exceed household income
  • A growing family’s needs may be outpacing income growth
  • An extended family member may need financial help; one partner is willing to help, and the other one is concerned that family finances will be affected
  • Too much pre-marital debt (ex., college debt)      
  • One or both spouses may be out of work
  • One of the spouses may have a serious spending problem or a gambling problem
  • Only one partner handles the money, leaving the other partner in the dark about the family’s financial picture

Addressing money conflicts

Some of these differences can be more easily addressed, while others may need deeper healing with the help of a trained counselor or therapist. But either way, resolution always begins with communication. Have a fair and frank discussion about your attitude towards money and what you see for your future.

  • What did your parents teach you about money? Was money an issue in your home when growing up?
  • What is your attitude towards spending? What is your attitude towards saving? What is your experience with budgeting?
  • What are your financial goals? Do you have future plans or dreams for major purchases?
  • What fears do you have around money?
  • How would you answer the question “What is money for?”

Healing money conflicts

Having honest conversations about money and spending should help you understand each other and the attitudes that fuel your behavior. Once you understand each other’s perspective, consider some next steps:

  • List absolute essential expenses (debt, utilities, mortgage, insurance) and essential expenses that have wiggle room. For instance, food is essential, but is too much money being spent on meals out or junk food? The kids need clothes, but do they need the most expensive sneakers?
  • List important expenses that might not be absolutely essential. For instance, extra-curricular activities are important, but are there less expensive, equally fun options?
  • Create a budget, listing income and essential expenses first, then evaluate what is left for other expenses.
  • Discuss what changes may need to be made. You may be surprised to discover you don’t really have a financial problem; you just have a perception of a financial problem. This is great news! Discuss how much should go into savings and how much should be budgeted for “fun money” – spending that will make your family’s life more enjoyable.
  • If you find you have to “tighten the belt,” consider getting professional advice for some financial strategies: pay down debt, refinance your mortgage if rates drop, or make other major financial changes. Your bank or your tax accountant may be able to help you or may be able to direct you to low-cost financial planners.
  • Develop a plan for the two of you to sit together and talk about the financial picture on a monthly or quarterly basis so that both of you are aware of the family’s financial situation.
  • Promise to talk to each other (and do so lovingly) if one of you starts to feel stressed about money again, so that no anger or resentment can grow and take hold.

A therapist can help

When both spouses are emotionally healthy and want a resolution, these steps can help lessen the stress of money . But sometimes, if there are deep-seated fears that are based on an experience of poverty or financial instability in childhood, if there is a gambling problem, or if a partner is driven to spend, then it is critical to reach out to a therapist in your area who is experienced in helping people with these issues.

If you are in the New York City area, give me a call to see how I can help you. Therapy is an effective tool for helping people understand their history and how it affects their thoughts and behaviors. This knowledge is power. When you know why you do what you do, you are empowered to make the changes necessary to feel more in control.

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