Is Your Marriage Stuck in a Rut? How to Get the Momentum Back

It is common for a couple to find themselves falling into life routines that cause a sense of boredom and monotony in their marriage. The day-in-day-out sameness of modern life seems to suck the joy out of the relationship and can lead to a sense of discontent. Focus can be drawn away from each other and toward work and raising children, causing the couple to forget that they ARE a couple and that the commitments to work and care for children are products of their commitment to each other. Your relationship matters, and it comes first. The first step is one of discovery – the discovery of each other.

Discuss your feelings

Are you the only one who is feeling bored or stuck? You may be trying to tell your parter how you feel and how you do that matters in order to avoid conflict. Try sharing your thoughts while doing something you both enjoy, like taking a hike. Express that you feel like your marriage has gotten a little stuck and ask if he or she feels the same way. Make sure to check in with your partner by asking if they are open to having a talk so that they aren’t caught off guard.

You may get a variety of answers. Your partner may say no, they haven’t noticed anything, which may indicate that they still feel the same way about you as they did in the early days. They might say yes, and share that they’re worried about work or finances, or something else, again suggesting their feelings for you are unchanged and that they’re just distracted. Finally, they may say yes and tell you some things that have been bothering them that do have something to do with you.

Whatever the answer is, you can grow from the knowledge. If they still feel the same flame, you can discuss ways you’re feeling in a rut and discuss things you can do together to help you both feel that fire again. If they’re distracted by other pressures, talk about ways you can both unwind together. If there are some relationship issues, knowing them means you can begin to work on them. Depending on what they are, consider finding a counselor to help you work through them.

Remember why you fell in love

To start rekindling the flame, take some time to reminisce together about the early days. Look at old photos, relive the happy memories, and laugh together. Snuggle together while you’re doing this. Touch is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. It doesn’t always have to lead to sex – in fact, a healthy relationship includes many instances of non-sexual touching. Touch is the most primordial and the most personal of all our senses and reaches our hearts. Combined with happy memories, it will help embed those positive emotions deeper into our relationships.

Pursue each other again

When you were dating, you were in a rhythm of pursuing and enticing into pursuit. While we traditionally think of the man in pursuit of the woman, both in their own way are chasing and drawing each other into the chase. Once the couple is married, this process often stops, and that’s what can cause the couple to feel bored and stuck. 

That ongoing give and take of the chase can continue even after you’re married, even after many years and when the children are grown up. Date nights can involve getting dressed up and going out together, but it can also be taking a quiet walk together or watching a favorite movie with a glass of wine and the lights dimmed. 

Another element to help increase a connection is acts of kindness. One partner gets the other one coffee; one brings home a rose for the other; a tired parent gets to relax while the other takes the kids out, etc. You’re touching each other’s heart with these thoughtful acts.

Maybe intellectual pursuits or the arts are something you both enjoy. Then you can share a book or a visit to the art museum and discuss the characters, the motive, or the deeper points the author or artist may be trying to make.

Find common activities

In our busy modern life, couples often spend most of their waking hours apart. This is one of the reasons they tend to drift. Make a conscious decision to do things together to increase your positive shared experiences. 

Come up with a few fun things to do together and do at least one weekly. If you can find a hobby that you both enjoy, especially one that provides exercise and the great outdoors, you will be strengthening both your relationship and your health at the same time. 

An even more fulfilling activity could be serving others less fortunate. Working together to make life better for others can provide a sense of purpose. This can also greatly benefit your children because they will see their parents working together for a good cause, which instills in them the importance of service, it strengthens the marriage, and it shows the children an example of what a good marriage looks like. 

Your love can be enhanced and be even stronger than before after you work together to rekindle the joy and attraction that you had in the early days of your relationship. You have years of experiences that you’ve gone through together, and you’ve shown each other that you truly are committed to each other, good times and bad, and are willing to work for the marriage. There’s nothing more satisfying than knowing that someone else is willing to fight for your love.

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Late-term Pregnancy Loss

Losing a child is one of the most excruciating pains anyone can experience. Miscarriage also involves the loss of a child, but unfortunately, society does not generally give the same level of sympathy to parents after miscarriage as to those who lose a child at birth or after. This often exacerbates the terrible grief parents feel. Most couples benefit from the help of a counselor who has experience in pregnancy and fertility issues to help them grieve and reach wholeness again.

How miscarriage is different from other loss

The death of a loved one is always painful, but in most cases, you have memories of the person to give you some comfort as time goes by. With miscarriage and stillbirth, it is the future that has been taken from you, with your only memories being those of anticipation. 

When your baby dies before birth, you feel robbed of the future as well as the past. Both parents bond with the baby in their own way and after a miscarriage you leave the hospital empty-handed, with no days of future joy together to look forward to. The grief can seem truly unbearable. 

In our culture, we unfortunately, do not have an established tradition for acknowledging the loss of a child pre-birth that allows the parents to publicly grieve and receive sympathy. Thus, most people who have not experienced this kind of loss do not know how to respond and even with the best intentions, their comforting words may feel painful. Perhaps worse, they may act as if your loss is not very serious. 

Commonly, people may ask questions, like when you will “try again,” as if your child was just “something” you were “trying” to accomplish. Or they will offer advice on what you should do differently to prevent miscarriage next time. Though generally well-intended, these comments can be salt in your wound.

Beyond how others treat you, there is the issue of how you treat yourself. Everyone handles grief and trauma differently, but most people go through what are commonly defined as “the five phases of grief” and when pregnancy loss is involved, parents often turn in on themselves in the process.

Working through the stages of grief

The five stages of grief are generally listed as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone goes through all these stages and not always in this order, and some are experienced simultaneously. But it’s important to recognize them and work through them in a healthy manner. Again, a trained counselor can be instrumental in this process. 

Denial may present itself as isolation. You may not want to admit to yourself or to others that you have lost your child, so you isolate yourself in order not to face it. Being alone is sometimes necessary to help us process, so rather than hiding, turn your isolation into personal time. Don’t leave your partner out of this period of isolation, either. Be alone together, at least part of the time, holding each other and acknowledge your love for each other, even if you spend most of your time in silence.

Anger is a powerful emotion that appears when we feel we have experienced a grave injustice. Surely, losing a child feels like the most unfair thing that could possibly happen. Seeking some explanation for this injustice and someone to blame, you may turn your anger upon your own body for failing to keep your child safe. You may blame your parter for doing something wrong, or blame the doctor for not doing the right tests to prevent this. You may turn your rage upon anyone who says the wrong thing. If you do discover a reason for the miscarriage, the “blame game” can really ramp up. In most cases, however, pregnancy loss is no one’s fault. Sometimes, it just happens. 

In order to overcome this anger, you must constantly remind yourself that nothing was intentional: your doctor didn’t intentionally refrain from offering you a test that may have revealed a problem; your body didn’t purposely develop the condition that led to the miscarriage; your mother or best friend didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and was probably trying to help. This is the first step to forgiveness, which is the only way to overcome the darkness of anger. 

Bargaining can include making a “deal” with God, promising to change this or that lifestyle decision if He would just let you have a healthy delivery next time. Or you could just bargain with yourself that if you eat better and exercise, you could prevent another miscarriage. Healthy food and exercise are always good choices, but choose them in order to be healthier, not with the sole goal in mind of avoiding pregnancy loss, because that keeps your mind always focused on the pain of the past.

Depression can set in when you feel like you are helpless to prevent another miscarriage, when you feel like you aren’t getting pregnant again fast enough, or when you feel that another baby will never replace the baby you lost. 

Depression due to pregnancy loss should be handled with the same sensitivity as with any depression, and often with some of the same solutions. Try to get out in the fresh air, especially in nature. Participate in fun activities like exercising with your parter in order to build up the happy memories from interests that you share together. Talk to a counselor who has expertise in depression, especially depression caused by miscarriage. And the mother should keep in mind that some of these emotions are actually associated with sudden hormone changes, which should make it easier to forgive yourself for the anger and depression and help you overcome it.

Please remember that you don’t have to go through the grief of miscarriage alone. If you are in the New York City area, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Adoption as an Option

As a couples therapist and marriage counselor in New York City, I see many couples who struggle with infertility. Fortunately, a variety of medical interventions have been developed in recent years that help some couples conceive their own child; however, these treatments are usually quite expensive, can be very stressful, and sadly, do not work for everyone. Some couples find themselves wondering what other options they have. One of those options is adoption.

Adoption is an option that works for many couples. Giving a safe, happy home to a child who otherwise would not have one can bring a sense of joy and satisfaction to a couple, as well as finally having a child to nurture and love. So many adoptive parents gratefully think, “What would have happened to our child, had we not adopted?” The benefits of adoption are many. But it’s important to be cautious and take a number of steps to determine if adoption is right for you. 

Deciding you’re ready to adopt

Before adopting, it’s important to complete the grieving process of not being able to conceive your own biological child. Your heart and mind need to be ready for, and excited about adopting your child after coming to terms with not being able to give birth to your child.

It’s normal for one spouse to be ready to adopt before the other. We all grieve differently, and we all have different ideas about what adoption is like. I often encourage couples to seek out people they know who have adopted. There are always bumps in parenting, whether your child is biological or adopted, so don’t be surprised by stories of complications in the adoption process. Talk to parents about how much their adopted child means to them, and you will likely discover great joy and gratitude for the child. 

Initial steps in adoption

When you’re both ready to adopt, start asking yourself questions. You will both need to agree on these decisions. I often recommend couples think about these questions separately and then discuss them together. Any areas of concern or disagreement can be discussed in a counseling session.

  • Do you want to adopt a newborn, a young child, or an older child?
  • Are you willing to adopt a child with disabilities?
  • Are you willing to adopt a child of a different race or religion?
  • Do you want a U.S. adoption, or are you open to international adoption?
  • Are you willing to have an open adoption arrangement, in which the birth mother has some contact with the child or is at least kept informed about the child?

Once you have answered these questions and any other questions that may arise as you talk, begin researching adoption agencies or looking into private attorneys who specialize in adoption. You need to determine which is best for your needs. You can also ask for recommendations from people you know who have adopted a child.

Be wary of unscrupulous organizations or individuals who take advantage of couples and birth mothers. Red flags include being unlicensed, not having sufficient answers to questions on screening of birth mothers, emotional manipulation, and mothers asking for money directly. 

Before you make any decisions about the best agency or attorney to choose, talk with a marriage counselor who has experience helping couples navigate the emotional and psychological aspects of the adoption process. Adoption can trigger a lot of emotional stress, and it’s good to have an expert support you with this important, life-changing decision. If you are in the NYC area, contact me to see how I can help you.

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When Parents Disagree About Parenting Decisions

It is common for parents to disagree on how to discipline their children, at least in some areas. Sometimes parents’ styles don’t differ greatly and they’re able to work out the minor differences. It’s actually healthy for children to see different styles in their parents, as long as the parents remain partners in the hard work of raising their children in a loving home. But when parents disagree strongly, problems can arise, both for the children and for the parents’ marriage. 

Big differences in parenting style

Parenting differences are often driven by upbringing and personality type. If you’re an easygoing person or a person who wants to avoid conflict, you may be a more permissive parent. Permissive parents tend to use reminding, repeating, or giving in, which can devolve into nagging, begging, arguing with the child, using guilt, or ignoring bad behavior in the hope it will go away. 

If you tend to have a strong personality or a temper, you may be a more authoritative parent. This may include having unbending rules and using negative reinforcement as the primary form of discipline, with little room for discussion with the child. This can devolve into yelling, harsh punishment, shaming, and being feared by your child. 

Sometimes our parenting styles are affected by our own upbringing. For instance, if your parents had an authoritative style, you might mimic that style. However, if you feel scarred by that form of parenting, you may swing too far in the other direction and become too permissive, which comes with its own negative baggage.

Neither of these extremes is healthy. If you or your spouse have fallen into any of these ruts, it’s important to sit down together to work them out. You may need a neutral party, such as a counselor trained in helping parents and couples, to work through your differences in order to find a healthy balance, for both your children and yourselves. 

What not to do when you disagree

It’s very important that you don’t disagree in front of the children. Children can usually pick up on unspoken signals, and you may not be able to prevent that. Don’t argue in front of them or undermine your spouse’s authority in the children’s eyes by contradicting him or her in front of them. Find a chance to talk together. If the cause is urgent, you may want to say, “Honey, can we talk about this first?” and step into another room and quietly discuss. You can then come back together and suggest a revised discipline decision, with both of you standing behind it. 

If you can’t find common ground on a particular issue, do not play your child against your spouse. Never make it an “us versus Dad” or “us versus Mom” atmosphere! This is so unhealthy for the child. Your children need to love and respect both of you. There is almost always a positive way to discuss your spouse’s decision with your child. 

For instance, if your child is crying to you because Daddy grounded him for a week, even if you thought that was too big a punishment, it’s best to offer sympathy while also supporting your husband – something along the lines of, “I know that seems like a long time but Daddy loves you, and the rules were clear. It’s important to us that you understand what you did.” You may be able to suggest to your husband that he talk to your child halfway through that week, see if your child has learned his lesson, and possibly “commute” his sentence. This can actually work very well to help the child see Dad’s love and mercy in cutting the punishment short. 

Keeping your marriage strong

Remember, through all of this, that the best thing you can do for your children is to have a healthy, loving marriage. They need to see you two as a team, working together, loving each other, and loving them. You should talk together about how to handle disagreements. For instance, you won’t likely be able to ask your spouse to step into another room to discuss disciplining unless you have already agreed on parameters. Such a move should be used very minimally and only when a major situation is taking place. Most discipline decisions can wait until later to be discussed.

When you begin to discuss, try first to discover why you each have those parenting styles and what buttons the kids are pushing that might cause some of your decisions. Discovering these points can also strengthen your marriage, as you begin to understand each other better and maybe understand how you two might be accidentally pushing each other’s buttons, as well. 

Next, look at the big picture: What qualities do you want your children to have when they grow up? What matters are most important to you? Religion, family, work ethic, kindness?

With these parameters in mind, decide some non-negotiables you can agree on: what time the teenagers have to be home on weeknights and weekends; showing respect to parents and others; safety matters such as going near the road or playing near the pond unsupervised. These are important issues that should be firmly established, maybe even written down where the children can see them. 

Others may be firm but can adjust under circumstances, such as always having homework done by a certain time. Things may come up that require flexibility, but you can have a general rule.

Then discuss the hot topics that you disagree on the most. For instance, you both agree that you want your child to learn responsibility, but you have different ideas about how. One thinks a child should learn the hard way: when he forgets to do his chores, he loses privileges. The other wants to remind him, so he has time to learn. This is where negotiation and cooperation need to come into play in your parenting.

Talking through discipline differences will not only help you improve your parenting, it should improve your marriage, as well. If you find you need help with this, find an experienced parenting or couples counselor to guide you through this important step. If you live in the NYC area, feel free to reach out to me.

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Nothing in Common with Your Spouse?

So you’ve been married for a while and you realize you have no interests in common. You’re only talking about the kids or work or what needs to be done around the house. While this might seem distressing when you first realize it, it is not uncommon in marriages, including long-term, successful marriages. As a marriage counselor and psychotherapist, I have helped many couples in the New York City area find their way in this new normal and build new experiences together. 

Take inventory

All marriages go through seasons. One or both of you may be shifting a bit in interests, tastes, and abilities, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re drifting apart. The key is to find what brought you two together and work from there. Spend time together remembering your early months and years, what attracted you to each other, and reminisce about happy events in your early days. Doing this will help remind you of your bond of love. 

Be honest

Next, be honest with each other about your limited shared interests – not in an accusatory way, but in a way of discovery. Take the time to inventory your interests, opinions, and preferences. Talk about what you share, including the kids and various marital experiences. You may find that you actually do have things in common, they just need to be emphasized or appreciated more. 

Explore each other’s interests

After inventorying, see what things you can get interested in together. For instance, if one is really interested in cars and the other is interested in cooking, try finding out what makes this topic so interesting. Attend a car show together, or watch a cooking show together and choose a fun recipe to prepare as a couple. 

If you’re interested in fitness but your spouse is sedentary, find out if there’s a reason. Maybe your spouse doesn’t feel like there’s enough time in a busy day to exercise. Could you take a nice walk around the block after dinner instead of watching TV? While walking you can talk, listen to a favorite podcast together, or just silently enjoy the fresh air and scenery. Or maybe a bad back makes your spouse hesitant to exercise. If your spouse is willing, work together to find a fitness regime that strengthens other parts of the body. Working out together, even if it’s just stretches, is fun and releases happy hormones that can not only enhance your mood but strengthen your relationship as well. 

You could find a new hobby you both like or develop more shared experiences. Take trips together; pick up ballroom dancing; find a favorite restaurant and try a different menu item each time you visit. Or find out what your spouse likes about an activity and find another activity that includes that element. For instance, if your spouse likes building engines, maybe you could both build something together you’d both enjoy, like a piece of furniture or a series of birdhouses that attract different birds.  

Let it be

A final option is to just let it be. This is a great time to practice acceptance of the other and even celebrate your differences. Just make sure you turn into each other rather than drift apart. If you’d like someone to help guide you as a couple through this time of discovery, give me a call. I can help you navigate to a new place of shared experiences and mutual appreciation.

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Forgiving Yourself and Moving Forward

The old saying, “To err is human, to forgive, divine” has a great deal of truth to it. We all make mistakes, both large and small, and most of us have been taught as children to acknowledge our mistakes and ask for the forgiveness of someone we have hurt. We are also taught to be willing to forgive others when they hurt us. However, we are rarely taught to extend that same forgiveness to ourselves. Because of this, by the time we’re adults, most of us have accumulated a significant amount of personal guilt that can affect the way we feel about ourselves and the way we interact with others. 

Forgiving ourselves can seem more difficult than forgiving others. As a psychotherapist with a background in social work, I have helped many people develop the skills it takes to forgive themselves and move on. Below I highlight some basic steps to self-forgiveness. 

Why is forgiving ourselves so difficult? It’s because we believe we have failed in our own self-identity or our strongly-held values. We are angry at ourselves for that failure, but we’re also disappointed, ashamed, even humiliated. When we feel this way, we might try to suppress these feelings in order to cope, or we may constantly play the mistake over and over in our minds, further punishing ourselves. Both tendencies are very self-destructive. 

While you may feel that you deserve to be punished and are thus inflicting that punishment upon yourself, what you actually deserve is compassion – that same compassion that you were taught to extend to others who regret their mistakes.

Face your mistakes objectively

The first step to self-forgiveness and moving forward is to think through exactly what happened that has caused you the regret. Think it through and write it down in a nonbiased, objective way. Include all extenuating circumstances. Do not use inflammatory or emotional terms such as “I then stupidly said…” Keep it objective – “I replied…”

Write down the kinds of thought patterns that you tend to fall into. When certain stimuli occur, do you remember your past regret and start to relive it? Do you start the “I’m such a horrible person” record playing over and over in your head? Do you take a physical action of self-harm, like start to pull on your hair or drink alcohol when you start to feel terrible? Examine your actions, both mental and physical. You may want to keep your notebook handy so you can write down your responses in real-time, next time you have thoughts of regret.

Next, acknowledge that you are not perfect. You are continually learning, just as we all are. Write down what you wish you had known then and what you know now – specifically, what you learned from this mistake. This infuses the mistake with purpose and gives you the knowledge you need to avoid the same mistake in the future. 

Finally, consider what you might be able to do to make amends. Is there someone you need to apologize to? If you caused physical damage, perhaps by stealing something, can you replace the item? If it’s not possible to make reparation to the particular person or repair the actual damage, can you make a contribution or perform an act of charity in that person’s honor? Think about something concrete that can demonstrate your act of acknowledging your mistake, making amends, and moving forward. 

Once you’ve gone through this evaluation, go through it all out loud. Describe out loud the mistake that you made, acknowledge your emotions, and state out loud the coping mechanisms you have developed around it. State what you plan to do to make amends and what lessons you learned about yourself and about life that you hope to apply in the future. Also, state out loud that you will be gentle with yourself if you fall into this mistake again. This is common when we have a personality weakness, such as anger, which cannot be eliminated overnight. Declare that you will continue to work to learn the opposite virtue, in this case, patience, and what you will do when you fail in the future: immediately acknowledge your mistake, apologize, and grow. 

It’s important to do this out loud. This helps create a definite space in time that you can orient your life around. “On this day, at this time, I acknowledged my mistakes and my feelings and learned to forgive myself.” With this time period as a definite moment in the past, you can begin to move forward. If you have a good friend whom you trust, you can do this with him or her, making the event even more memorable. This is your chance to start turning over a new leaf. 

Ongoing self-forgiveness

You have taken the most important first step. Now you will need to guard against falling back into the patterns of thought and behavior in the future, as you continue to grow and learn how to become the person that you aspire to be. 

Develop the skills to interrupt your negative thought patterns, silencing your inner critic. Show yourself the same compassion that you would show a friend if he or she were in your situation. Take a lesson from mindful parenting techniques, and tell yourself, “I don’t love what you did, but I love you. We can fix this.” 

Speak to a professional. Some people find comfort in speaking to a spiritual authority, such as a priest or other religious leader. This can provide help from a spiritual perspective, which can often lift much of the burden, especially if you feel you need to make amends with God. Even in these cases, following up with a professional counselor is often an important step. 

If you are in the New York City area and you need help with this process or with replacing negative thought patterns with positive, self-affirming thoughts, contact me.

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Is Social Media a Problem in Your Relationship?

As a couples therapist in New York City, I frequently hear people complain about the partner’s use of social media: “I’m right here but she’s on her phone.” “He’s always on his phone.” Both men and women are equally likely to spend more time on their phones than their partner would like. 

The ability to carry a computer around in one’s pocket is a sudden, new technology that it has impacted society and culture in ways we are just now beginning to realize. Psychologists, sociologists, and medical researchers are studying this new phenomenon and the impact it has on our mental health, our physical health, our relationships, and our culture.

There’s no question that the smartphone has impacted every aspect of our existence, and in some ways very positively. We have questions answered almost instantly; we have directions to anywhere we want to go at the touch of a button; and we can contact people from all around the world at a moment’s notice, people we may never have known. 

But while social media and the smartphone keep us connected with others far from us, it can also drive a wedge in relationships with those who are closest to us. 

How the cell phone hurts relationships

Whether we’re scrolling through social media, checking our emails, or texting someone, we spend a great deal of time on our phones. Just their presence is a distraction, drawing us away from those nearby.

One fascinating study found that just the presence of a cell phone in a room, even out of a direct line of sight but nearby, significantly and negatively impacted the ability of two people to discuss something meaningful. By contrast, interacting without a cell phone nearby fostered closeness, connectedness, interpersonal trust, and perceptions of empathy. 

A variety of other problems are associated with the smartphone and social media:                 

  • Looking at the phone, responding to a text, or a notification from social media while talking to someone sends the message that whatever is on the phone is more important than the person in front of you.
  • Spending a lot of time on the phone instead of engaging in person can cause people to have lower social intelligence – the ability to “read” people, understand subtle cues, and feel a connection with others. This makes it more difficult to build deep relationships. Because of this, relationships require much more work.
  • People can equate texting someone with actually communicating, thus decreasing in-person contact. Texts can also be used as a substitute for saying the hard things in person that need to be talked out in a loving way.
  • Sharing personal information on social media without your partner’s permission can cause resentment and hurt feelings.
  • Social media triggers insecurities that harm the relationship, particularly with regard to body image in young people. Feelings of dislike of their own bodies can cause young people to have difficulty in relationships and intimacy because of their low self-image.
  • Social media use is linked to increased self-involvement, as well as low self-esteem. Constantly wanting to tweet, post selfies, or share about oneself can perpetuate the sense of lack of value.
  • Social media can provide a dopamine rush, causing quiet moments with a loved one to seem boring and unsatisfying. 

Internet addiction or social media addiction, while not yet listed as an official disorder, is nonetheless a reality that can truly damage a person’s life and relationships. But even if your use of social media and the cell phone is not to the point of addiction, everyone should take steps to limit use, for our own mental, physical, and emotional health and for the health and strength of our relationships. 

Tips to help your relationship grow in the cell phone age

Here are a few steps to responsible cell phone use:

  • Turn off notifications. One study found that smartphone notifications produced a decline in task performance and negatively impacted cognitive function and concentration.
  • Set a time to look at your phone during the day and include a time limit. You may wish to decide to check your phone before work, at lunch, and after dinner for 20 minutes each time. The short period of time means you look less online, limiting the negative mental and emotional impacts while increasing your time spent with others and with healthy hobbies.
  • Choose a time to detox from the phone and especially from social media. Some couples decide not to look at the phone all weekend and focus on each other.
  • Talk with your spouse or partner about boundaries regarding what is shared on social media and when a text can take the place of a call or a visit.
  • Ask yourself some tough questions: What does social media give me that my partner does not? Is it something I actually need? If so, how can I get it from my partner rather than from a piece of technology? 

These steps can be very difficult to take. I can help you work through these important questions and develop new habits of thought and behavior to discover a balance between your or your partner’s use of the cell phone. If you’re in or near the NYC area, call me to see how I can help.

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How to Move Forward After a Pregnancy Loss

Losing a child is one of the most devastating experiences any parent can go through. This includes losing a baby before birth. And one of the hardest aspects of pregnancy loss is that friends and family may not understand the depth of your pain. In order to move forward in a healthy manner, you need to process your feelings. Sometimes professional counseling can help you and your partner during this difficult time. Openness and self-kindness are the keys to healing. 

First step: Admit your feelings – all of them

You may feel guilty about moving forward after a pregnancy loss, as if you are somehow being unfair to your child. But moving forward isn’t the same as moving on. Moving on implies forgetting, and putting something behind you. Moving forward means remembering the past, including those you have lost, and moving into the future with them as part of your life. Your baby will always be part of your life. The goal is to integrate your child in a healthy manner so that you can go on living. 

Grief goes through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may feel some of these emotions more than others, but recognize them and be prepared to discuss them with your partner or another trusted person. But remember that your partner is grieving too. They may be grieving differently than you, but know that they are. It may be helpful to get some couples’ counseling to help you talk to each other about how you’re feeling and what each of you needs from the other. This is how you will heal, both individually and as a couple, and be stronger together. 

For women, remember that some of your emotions are actually grounded in the hormonal changes your body is going through. Be gentle with yourself and recognize that what you are experiencing could be partly physical. A medical doctor or naturopath may be able to help.

You may find yourself trying to understand “why.” As you do this, you may start blaming yourself, hating yourself or your body. This is an unhealthy road to take. Talking to a counselor who is experienced in pregnancy loss grief will help you avoid this negative thought process. 

Address triggers

At some point, when you are beginning to understand and manage your emotions, you will need to address the triggers that bring you back to painful memories. It may be helpful to do this together with your partner or with a counselor. In order to take the power away from a trigger, you need to address it intentionally – whether it’s a place, a song, a blanket or clothes you prepared for the baby, or the baby’s ultrasound pictures.

Celebrate your baby

Your child will always be a part of your life. Hold a memorial event of some kind, celebrating your child’s life. Invite a few close friends and family, or just keep it between you and your partner. If you have other children, include them in the process if they are old enough to understand.

Create a memorial, speak words of love to your baby, and create a memory that can bring a bittersweet smile to the two of you as you remember your child. Many parents name their child. This process can help you recognize that your child is part of your family, even if he or she was with you for only a short time. Celebrate your child.

Set up boundaries

It may take you some time to reach this point. Therefore, be kind to yourself just as you would be kind to someone else going through a pregnancy loss. Set up boundaries and share them with your friends and family. You may wish to let them know what you’re feeling and that you are not yet ready to talk about it. You may not yet be comfortable being around pregnant women or families with small children. Let them know that it’s not a snub, it’s a part of your grieving process. 

That said, don’t allow yourself to withdraw, especially from your partner. You may each grieve differently, but you need to grow stronger together during this period. Couples’ grief counseling can help. 

Take care of your health

It should go without saying, but it needs to be said: take care of your health in order to heal. Get plenty of rest. If you’re having trouble sleeping, look for natural methods, such as relaxation techniques or soothing herb teas, but if they don’t work for you, talk to your medical doctor. It’s important that your brain and body get the proper rest they need to recover physically and mentally. A healthy diet and exercise are also critical. 

If you’re experiencing grief from a pregnancy loss, please do not struggle through it alone. If you’re in the New York City area, contact me. I specialize in couples counseling, infertility counseling, and grief counseling. We can work together to help you deal with pain and grief, and taking the next steps to move forward.

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How to Better Cope with Life

Our modern American lifestyle seems to generate a great deal of stress, whether from our jobs, our home life, relationships, finances, or unexpected major life-changing events. Knowing how to cope can help prevent these stressors from causing a feeling of being overwhelmed and a spiral into anxiety, depression, health issues, and relationship problems.

Frustration is often a sign of oncoming stress. It can have external causes, such as traffic or an uncooperative co-worker, or internal causes, such as having a controlling nature or being emotionally sensitive. Frustration is often the entry point for more serious and enduring emotional responses, so if you see or feel frustration coming on, immediately take steps to rein it in. 

Nipping stress and frustration in the bud

The first step is to notice your feelings and acknowledge them. The next is to determine their root source. For instance, morning traffic may cause your temper to rise, but were you already frustrated before you got in the car? Are you concerned about a presentation you’re giving that day? Did you have an argument with your spouse last night? Does any of this result from an interior cause, such as fear of losing your job, low self-esteem, or a need to control? Taking the time to make this deeper evaluation will help you respond with the proper coping mechanisms.

But we don’t always have time to think too deeply when we suddenly feel overwhelmed and it’s about to come out in a snippy comment or poor work performance. So try some of these immediate techniques and see which ones work for you: 

  • Close your eyes, do some deep breathing exercises, turn your mind to a pleasant thought or a relaxing scene in your imagination
  • Center yourself in the here and now. There are numerous techniques, but one easy method is to name out loud three things you can see, three things you can hear, three things you can touch, etc. This interrupts anxious thoughts and helps you begin to calm down. Remember to breathe deeply!
  • Distract racing thoughts by counting backwards. Too easy? Try counting backward by 7s, starting from 100.
  • Grab hold of the negative thoughts you’re experiencing and say the opposite out loud in a truthful manner. For instance, you may think, “I’ll never get this project done! There’s too much and they haven’t given me all the information I need!” Grab those thoughts and correct them. “I will certainly get this project done, though it may take longer than expected. Let me focus on the portions I have enough information for and inform my boss that I need this other information. I will also give her a reasonable timeframe and ask what parts are most critical to do first.”
  • Get some exercise. If you are able, walk away from the stressor, get outside in the fresh air and sunshine, and do nothing for a few minutes. Look at something beautiful or listen to some cheerful music.
  • Count your blessings. Think of at least three things you are thankful for. If you’re really stuck, be thankful for the most obvious – “I’m thankful that I have a brain. I’m thankful that I have legs and they work. I’m thankful for the air. I’m thankful that my allergies aren’t very bad today.”

The techniques above aim to immediately break the power of racing thoughts or negative emotions to allow you to react more calmly to the situation.

Lifestyle changes

Besides stopping anxiety or frustration when something triggers the feelings, look to your lifestyle to see what changes you can make to dial down your emotional level.

  •  Turn off the news and the use of social media – give yourself a time limit daily, maybe 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening.
  • Evaluate what you watch. Does it make you compare your life to other people? Is the content uplifting? Eliminate that which does not support positive emotions.
  • Add moderate exercise to your daily regimen. Moderate exercise boosts your mood because it releases hormones that create positive emotions. It also applies low-level stress to the body, triggering the release of even more hormones which help with stress management. If you’re not big into exercise, take a brisk walk of about 30 minutes a day. Walking with a pet or with a friend makes the walk more pleasant and commits it to your daily routine.
  • Plan time to wind down after work, filling quiet hours with light, sound, and creativity – keeping in mind that the music or art or whatever you choose should not, as stated above, create negative emotions.
  • Connect with loving friends and plan pleasant events with your spouse or partner.
  • Practice self-love and self-compassion. Get into the habit of making positive statements to yourself and allow time for pampering sessions, a good night’s sleep, and healthful food. 

Getting help

One of the most important aspects of coping with stress is knowing your triggers and the roots of the stress. As mentioned in the beginning, it may take a little soul-searching to find the core reasons. You may feel you need some help finding the underlying causes of chronic stress or the reason why certain things tend to “set you off.” If so, reach out to me. I provide a safe and secure environment for people as they seek self-awareness, and I help them develop the motivation to make a change for a more peace-filled, happier life. If you are in the New York City area, contact me to see how I can help you.

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How Infertility Impacts Your Mental Health

The stress associated with infertility comes from many different directions. Recognizing the sources of psychological stressors is the first step to combatting them. As an individual or couple struggling with infertility, you have medical professionals addressing your physical health, but you may also need a professional addressing your mental health. 

Can stress cause infertility?

I’m sure you’ve heard the well-intentioned but painful advice, “Just relax and you’ll conceive.” There are certainly anecdotal incidents in which women who cannot conceive during a period of stress are able to conceive when the stress has passed, but this is not always the case.

Studies have suggested, however, that improper functioning of the thyroid and the hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal axis can lead to an increase in depression and anxiety, which can in turn, impact fertility. Other studies have found an association between depression and abnormal regulation of hormones that control ovulation.

While studies are ongoing, there is enough evidence to suggest that one’s mental health can decrease fertility and therefore should be carefully managed.

Impacts on mental health

Infertility can cause a wide range of emotional responses in both men and women, though they often cope differently. Frequent emotional responses to infertility include:

  • Depression, anxiety, mood swings
  • Guilt or shame, blaming yourself
  • Blaming your spouse or partner
  • Feeling like your spouse doesn’t understand or doesn’t know what to say or do to help you
  • Low self-esteem, feeling defective, inadequate, or a failure
  • Jealousy of people who easily conceive or who have children
  • Stress, hurt, or anger from unsolicited advice, thoughtless words, and misunderstanding among family and friends
  • Anger or hatred of your body 

In addition, infertility treatments and the very process of assisted reproduction can cause significant stress, depression, and anxiety, through a number of mechanisms:

  • Fertility drugs: Hormone treatments to improve fertility or bring about ovulation can impact your mood, cause sleep disruption, anxiety, depression, hot flashes, and other unpleasant side effects
  • Physical pain and discomfort from the medication or medical procedures
  • Juggling appointments, taking medication at just the right time
  • Tracking bodily symptoms, which can make you hyperaware and focused on your body, increasing body anxiety
  • Feeling intimacy has become a project rather than a spontaneous act of love
  • Trauma from frequent failed attempts, especially with IVF 

Protecting your mental health and your relationships

If your mental health, marriage, work, or relationships are suffering from your struggles with infertility, therapy may be a way to alleviate some of the stress. Find a mental health professional who specializes in treating couples dealing with fertility issues.

Your improved mental health may also increase the success of your treatments. Several studies on the effect of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) on couples dealing with fertility have measured both a decrease in anxiety, depression, and anger as well as an increase in fertility rates.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, one of my areas of focus is infertility counseling. I utilize psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapies to help couples and individuals develop coping skills to manage stress in order to stay healthy while dealing with fertility issues. Contact me today to see how I can help you. 

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