Your Life Is Perfect, but You Feel Unhappy

Posted on July 9, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

You thought that once you achieved a certain goal, you would be happy. You assumed that a certain lifestyle, level of income, or circle of friends would be satisfying. But somehow, you’re not happy. Why does this sometimes happen?

Success doesn’t always guarantee happiness. The big promotion, new job, family, or anything else that defines success in your life cannot generate happiness within. Only what’s inside of you can do that. And sometimes we need a little help figuring out what it is inside that’s keeping us from being happy.

The feeling of happiness is a response to a pleasing stimulus. It’s a temporary and pleasant emotion, but it’s not the same as being happy. Being happy is a general state of contentedness and well-being. There could be a number of factors in your life that are impeding your inner sense of contentment, even when everything external suggests you should be content.

Reasons for being unhappy

What could be going on inside that is feeding this discontent? Of course, everyone is unique and has different personalities and life experiences, but here are a few reasons that often show up in therapy:

  • Lack of meaning and purpose in one’s life
  • Holding onto past wrongs and resentments
  • Stress or anxiety
  • Social media use
  • Unhealthy social circles
  • Monotony
  • No free time or leisure
  • Unprocessed trauma
  • Comparing oneself to others
  • Negative thought patterns such as assuming the worst, focusing on the negative, or assuming other people are having negative thoughts about you
  • Feeling unfulfilled
  • Feeling unchallenged
  • Mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or ADHD
  • Sleep disorders
  • Physical health problems
  • Feeling incompetent, even when you aren’t
  • Focusing on yourself too much

How to build internal happiness

The methods for generating internal happiness depend on what is causing the unhappiness. Sometimes, if the reasons are deep and stem from previous life experiences, a trained therapist can help you look closely at what causes your automatic responses to triggers and help you reprogram your thinking so you can start to let go of the pattern that contributes to your sense of unhappiness.

You can take some steps on your own, starting with eating a healthy diet and creating a consistent schedule to get plenty of sleep. Your physical health is the foundation of your mental health, so don’t discount this important component of overall well-being.

Create time for relaxation in your life. Leisure is more important the more stressful or hectic your life is. Make relaxation a priority, like you prioritize eating (hopefully you do!). Create quiet alone time or fun time, even if it just means sitting quietyly with your coffee or tea in the morning. But also plan time with loved ones who actually build you up and bring you those moments of emotional happiness that we all need. The more moments of emotional happiness you experience, the more opportunities for your internal happiness to grow.

Look at your values and what motivates you. Are they healthy goals and values? Usually, values that include concern for the well-being of others have the unexpected effect of creating a sense of well-being in us as well.

Stop comparing yourself to other people. This can be particularly hard to do with social media use. Decrease or eliminate social media if you have a problem with comparing yourself to others. Develop healthy self-talk responses every time you catch yourself comparing. For example, you can say, “That person’s life is different, but that doesn’t mean it’s better.”

When you think people are imagining negative things about you, it is often difficult to stop that thought process. This is probably coming from a place of insecurity, which likely has some deep origins that need to be uncovered. It is important to question what you imagine people are thinking by first looking for any evidence to support the thought. It is also important to feel more in control by telling yourself you can’t control what people think.

If you feel like you need help creating these changes in your life or if you feel like you need to more deeply evaluate the roots that may be causing your discontent, reach out to an experienced therapist near you. If you are in the NYC area, reach out to see how I can help you. We will create a safe space to explore, discover, and help you build a new paradigm that can lead to a more peaceful sense of self.

Posted in General Self Help | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Your Life Is Perfect, but You Feel Unhappy

Getting Lost in a Big Life Change

Posted on July 9, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

You’ve had a big life change for the better! So why do you feel so anxious or lost? These are natural responses to change, but they should not be overwhelming or interfere with your joy.

Whether you are pregnant, have a new baby in the house, started a new job, or earned a big promotion, your identity shifts. You’re now a parent to a new human being; or you’re navigating a new environment; or maybe you’re now the boss over your former workmates. How do you work this into your busy NYC life?  

The loss of familiar routines and the need to build new schedules and procedures can leave you feeling lost and confused. Greater responsibilities can be frightening. Changes in relationships can cause loneliness or isolation. How do you manage these changes?

Why we sometimes feel overwhelmed

If you’re a new mother, the biological changes you’re going through only add to the confusion and fear with a new baby in the house. If you’re a father or the parent of an adopted child, you’re still going to experience physical changes from lack of sleep and new routines, which could impact your ability to cope with basic stressors of life that previously did not bother you or that you had under control. Relationships with friends may change, as you’re not as available as you used to be. Add to that the new demands of the new little life in your care, and it’s easy to see why sometimes people get panicky.

Perhaps the big change is at work: a new job or a promotion. Certainly, a whole new job means learning the company culture, getting to know people, learning your job responsibilities, and navigating company politics. A promotion may leave you isolated from old friends while having to navigate new relationships and new dynamics around authority. You may experience jealousy from previous peers who didn’t get a promotion or from other employees who see you as a threat to the status quo. This can be quite stressful.

Sometimes you may feel grief over the loss of your old life, maybe wanting to go back to the way things were, just because it was safe and stable. But we don’t grow as human beings by staying still. We grow by stretching ourselves, learning new things, and sharing our lives with others.

Getting help to manage change

For most people, emotions stabilize fairly soon after the transition, and new routines fall into place. But if you’re having difficulty reaching that place of peace, or if your confusion or feeling overwhelmed are making it difficult to function, please reach out to an experienced therapist who can help you navigate these feelings, evaluate and resolve them, and develop new mental structures and habits to find peace and joy in your life again.

If you’re in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help. I work with clients to identify underlying causes of the issues that you need help with. Finding the roots will help you understand and manage the problems so that you can feel more prepared for future life changes.

Posted in General Self Help | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Getting Lost in a Big Life Change

The Emotional Cost of People-Pleasing

Posted on May 26, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

What’s the difference between being generous and being a people-pleaser? The distinction can be nuanced and difficult to discern. Usually, however, a person’s emotional health is a strong indicator of whether the tendency to people-please comes from a healthy or unhealthy source. If you are dealing with any kind of anxiety, fear, or overwhelm in your life, you’ll likely need some help developing boundaries so that you can continue your generosity from a healthier space.

Defining people-pleasing

Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everyone tried to care more about others than about themselves? Absolutely! But a spirit of generosity must not come at personal expense. There are always going to be people who are in need, important causes to volunteer for, and friends who need help. All of us should care enough to provide necessary support in any of these ways.

So if these are all good actions, what are some warning signs that something is wrong?

  • Feeling internally compelled to help
  • Feeling guilty if you say “no”
  • Feeling anxious, exhausted, or overwhelmed
  • Putting aside the needs of your spouse, children, or close family in order to help someone else or to do volunteer work
  • Ignoring your own physical, emotional, financial, or familial needs to help someone else
  • Agreeing with something or someone just to avoid conflict
  • Allowing yourself to be a doormat for others
  • Wanting the approval of others
  • Defining your own self-worth by how much you do for others
  • Trying to be agreeable all the time; never asserting oneself
  • Avoiding saying anything unpleasant, to the point of making “little white lies”
  • Feeling like a “martyr” and letting people know how much you are giving up for them

A few specific examples may include:

  • Loaning money or helping someone buy a big-ticket item because “they need it” or “it will make her happy,” when you can’t really afford it, or giving small amounts of money repeatedly until it causes you financial problems
  • Always saying yes when people ask you to do something, large or small: finishing up a job at work so someone else can leave early but you stay later; babysitting a child so that the mother can go out, even though you had plans
  • Taking on additional tasks at a volunteer organization, which cut into family time, because there’s “no one else who will step up to do it”

Notice that in all these examples, it isn’t just the kind or generous act that is in question; it is what effect it has on you and your family. And once people know that you will say “yes,” you will be asked more and more often. Without healthy boundaries, you will continue to feel pushed in an unhealthy direction.

Motivations behind people-pleasing

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I can tell you that there are almost as many reasons for people-pleasing as there are people themselves. Our emotions and behaviors are, to a large extent, formed by our life experiences. However, what may cause people-pleasing in one person may have no effect on another.

When I work with a client, we work together to review and evaluate past experiences that may have led to the root causes of people-pleasing, which may include:

  • Low self-esteem or insecurity
  • Fear of loss
  • Fear of conflict
  • The feeling that you need to earn other people’s love
  • The belief that your value is dependent upon what others think of you
  • The desire to control the thoughts and feelings of others (possibly unconsciously)

Anything could have caused these feelings to develop in you. Maybe you grew up in a high-conflict household and tried to be the peacemaker, which earned the approval of certain family members. Or maybe one of your siblings was unhealthy and got the lion’s share of the attention. You found yourself often forgotten, or you did more to help around the house because of the family crisis. Maybe you were bullied and developed a habit of passivism to avoid further conflict. Or maybe you grew up in a great family where service was part of the atmosphere, but you never developed healthy boundaries.

Whatever the cause, we can find solutions to help you redefine how you serve others in a healthier way.

Making healthy changes

Your internal motivations are what make the difference between a generous, caring person and a people-pleaser. Your feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, worrying about what people think of you, inability to say “no,” and other unhealthy tendencies are signs that your good works and generous actions are not coming from the right interior motivations and are actually hurting you.

Let’s work together to redefine your thought patterns, heal some of those wounds, and help you develop healthy boundaries so that you can continue to help others without hurting yourself or those who depend on you. If you live in the New York City area, feel free to reach out to me to see how I can help.

Posted in General Self Help | Tagged , , , | Comments Off on The Emotional Cost of People-Pleasing

Depressed Because You Feel Left Behind

Posted on May 26, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

You had big plans, and maybe some of them were successful at first, but now your life feels stuck. You created timelines and expectations for yourself that aren’t being met, and you feel like your peers are moving ahead while you’re being left behind. You’re anxious about aging and not making progress. You feel pressure from family and friends, and generalized anxiety is turning into depression.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I see that pattern all the time. New York is the city that never sleeps. It’s a place that, by its reputation, can make or break you. As the song goes, “If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere!”

Unrealistic Expectations

But it doesn’t have to be that way. When we construct unrealistic expectations and develop unhealthy belief systems – about ourselves, the place where we live, what our friends and family are thinking – we set ourselves up for anxiety, depression, and eventually a feeling of failure, even if objectively we are very successful. How we view ourselves and the events in our lives determines how we feel about them and sometimes how well we perform. It’s critical to redefine, recreate, and re-envision ourselves and our lives.

Most people internalize beliefs about success from their childhood experiences and their family culture. Oftentimes, these are positive influences that may be taken too far. For instance, your father started his own business, worked hard, and became successful, supporting his family very comfortably. You want to do the same, but you have put upon yourself the added pressure, perhaps, that you need to “make Dad proud” or “prove yourself” to your family. These are the kinds of unhealthy expectations that may only take a few sessions to review and reframe so that you can move forward successfully, with a peaceful persepctive.

But perhaps you had negative experiences in the past: growing up in poverty, making a mistake in your career that caused you to lose a promotion, or low self-esteem from childhood bullying. There are myriad past events, large or small, that could be causing you to pressure yourself in unhealthy ways or that may actually be undermining your success.

Using Therapy to Move Forward

As a psychotherapist, I utilize psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapies. These practices enable me to provide a safe and secure environment that fosters self-awareness and the motivation necessary to make a change.

Psychodynamic therapy is a deep and sensitive exploration of problems and issues affecting your life in order to understand your unique history of thoughts, relationships, and behavioral patterns. Uncovering the origins of behaviors and emotions leads to the potential to resolve them in a safe environment and an ability to make more conscious rather than reactive choices.

Cognitive behavioral therapy offers a concrete approach to uncovering automatic thoughts that lead to specific behaviors. By becoming aware of your thoughts, you gain insight into how and why choices are made in life. Some techniques include relaxation exercises, mindfulness homework, positive thinking, self-talk practices, and journaling, all of which help you positively retrain automatic reactions and thoughts.

In my first session with a client, I encourage the client to share freely, guiding them with expert questions that help me determine the best approach. With the help of these therapies, I will help you find the underlying beliefs that may be causing your depression and your unfulfilled expectations, develop methods and habits of thought to overcome these feelings, and then work with you to redefine where you are now and where you want to be, chart a realistic growth plan, and reconstruct your timeline to help you reach your goals. If you’re in the New York City area, reach out to see how I can help you.

Posted in Depression | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Depressed Because You Feel Left Behind

The Guilt of Relaxing

Posted on April 21, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

Do you ever feel guilty when you relax? You’re not alone. It’s extremely common for highly effective people to feel guilty if they slow down, go on vacation, or even sit and relax for an hour. But why? Is it just because you like being busy, or is there some deeper reason that’s making it hard for you to appreciate leisure time?

This is a very complex question that could have many different answers and first let’s understand that guilt implies that you have done something wrong. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have had many clients who equated relaxation with laziness or “wasting time.” But relaxation is absolutely not a waste of time. It is necessary for your mental, emotional, and physical health.

The first thing I do with my clients who feel this guilt is to help them evaluate what is causing this false perception of relaxation. Then I help them reframe their thinking so that they can relax and actually enjoy themselves while doing it.

Why you can’t relax

There could be a number of reasons that contribute to your guilt about relaxing. Some are positive, some negative, and some neutral. Most of us have a combination of reasons. See how many of these may be contributing to your guilt:

  • Your mind is overactive or anxious: If you struggle with intrusive or negative thoughts, staying busy could be your way of keeping them at bay.
  • You see hard work as a virtue: Certainly, hard work is a wonderful thing! We should all be committed to doing our best at whatever we are doing. If you came from a family or culture that idealizes hard work and the results that can come from it, then you may have a hard time relaxing.
  • You identify yourself with your productivity or your job: You may feel like your job or your success defines you. This may actually come from a place of low self-esteem, not recognizing that you have value beyond your work.
  • You may be concerned about losing your job or being able to pay your bills: This can be a very real concern, and it can prevent you from spending time with those for whom you are working so hard to make ends meet.
  • You like to see results: The benefits of relaxation are mostly abstract and come with time. By contrast, work is measurable, tangible, and offers immediate gratification. There’s nothing more satisfying than checking something off the to-do list or getting that bonus for beating the numbers for the month!
  • You compare yourself to the success of others: People in your life or people you see online have what you want, and you feel like you need to keep pushing so that you, too, can reach that level. Conversely, you may have grown up with an example of someone who did not work hard and therefore did poorly in life, and you do not want that person’s fate.

This is not, of course, an exhaustive list, but you may see yourself to some degree in several of these scenarios. There are a few things you can do to break this connection between rest and guilt.

The benefits of relaxation

First of all, you need to know the benefits of relaxation. In fact, knowing these benefits will help you see that you’re actually “doing something” while relaxing: you’re making yourself more productive in the long run! That’s not actually the point; leisure has value in itself, but it is a nice benefit for those who love to always accomplish something.

By relaxing regularly, your body is able to get out of the “fight or flight” merry-go-round that modern American culture has pushed us onto. This leads to a staggering number of physical, mental, and emotional benefits:

  • Healing of the nervous system
  • Improved mental health
  • Better emotional regulation and balance
  • Clearer thinking, improved decision-making
  • Improved creativity and problem-solving
  • Improved focus, concentration, and memory
  • Better sleep, less fatigue
  • Improved relationships
  • Improved digestion
  • Increased blood flow and oxygen by relaxation of the arteries
  • Possible reduced inflammation
  • Possible decreased blood pressure and risk of stroke or heart attack

Once you know the benefits of relaxation, you see that you aren’t “doing nothing” when you relax. You are doing something critically important.

Claiming the benefits of relaxation

Being a productive person is a good thing. You don’t have to stop “being productive” to relax. But you may have to address some deep-seated lies first, if they are driving your guilt. Working with a counselor could help define them. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me for help. In the meantime, try a few of these ideas:

  • Acknowledge that you deserve to relax. You’ve certainly earned it.
  • If you’re the kind of person who lives by the calendar, be sure to schedule in your relaxation every day, with some longer breaks (a few days off) from time to time.
  • Step away from your desk or computer frequently. Learn some relaxation or mindfulness techniques that only take a few minutes and that you can do hourly or at least several times during the work day to keep you relaxed while being productive.
  • Turn off the phone and the computer in the evening, and tell people your new available hours.
  • Plan time with friends or family, and stick with it. If you plan to sit down with your spouse at 8 pm every day, or you plan to play catch with the kids on Saturday after lunch, you won’t want to disappoint them, so you’ll make the time to relax with them.
  • Find a fun hobby that may be active, so you feel like you’re “doing something” when you’re actually relaxing. That could be biking, baking, painting, or playing an instrument. The goal is to choose something that you won’t be judging yourself on. There are extra benefits for doing something with friends or family, but some alone time is also valuable.

These are just a few ideas that can help you learn to relax. It’s hardly productive to feel guilty about relaxation when the benefits of relaxing are so clear. If you have trouble applying these tips but you’re ready to learn the fine art of leisure, give me a call to see how I can help.

Posted in General Self Help | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on The Guilt of Relaxing

Anxiety of High Achievers

Posted on April 21, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

As a high achiever, you drive yourself to succeed, and you usually do succeed. But you may also experience anxiety associated with that success. You want peace of mind, but you don’t want to give up everything to find it. The good news is, you don’t have to.

Unhealthy behaviors

In my experience, it is very common for high achievers to ruminate on worst-case scenarios, evaluating every little thing that could possibly go wrong. They minimize praise and fixate on constructive criticism. They compare themselves unfavorably with others, always expecting better of themselves, and not sufficiently acknowledging their accomplishments.

You might have thought you would be happy when you reached a certain milestone, moving up the ladder of success. But you now feel isolated from co-workers and friends who may not have reached that level or who now feel awkward with (or even jealous of) your new authority. You may also find you need support in a new position, but are afraid to ask for help and appear weak or underqualified.

Some of these unhealthy mental behaviors stem from low self-esteem that may be driving you to succeed. Others may simply arise from not knowing how to navigate your new reality. Either way, you need to resolve these feelings in order to continue to function well and be happy.

Type A personalities

The term “type A personality” is often used to describe a person who is self-driven and always busy. It’s fine to be type A, but it is not fine to have anxiety. The correlation of anxiety with functionality is a bell curve. Those who have no anxiety generally also have very little self-motivation and often very little functionality; they could be the couch potatoes in your life. Those who have too much anxiety are on the other end of the bell curve, unable to function.

The top of the curve is where the healthy type A personalities reside: just enough anxiety to stay on their toes while still being highly functional. They do not experience negative side effects from their anxiety. It does not affect their work, their personal lives, or their overall happiness. It’s considered “healthy anxiety.”

Therapy can help

Where would you place yourself on that bell curve? If you are experiencing any of the negative effects of anxiety, talk to a professional counselor who can help you evaluate the root causes of your anxiety and guide you to reframe your thinking. If you live in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

Together, we’ll review what your main concerns are, what triggers you, and what steps need to be taken to create healthy thought patterns. My orientation is in psychodynamic and cognitive behavior therapies, which provide me with a wide range of tools to help you find solutions for your unique situation.

We do not function in a vacuum; we are the sum of our own life stories. These stories have their beautiful parts and their dark sides. By looking at both positive and negative, we can work together to craft a future that builds on your past, healing old wounds, and building up all that is good, so that you can move forward with greater joy and deeper connection to the important people in your life. Give me a call to see how I can help.

Posted in Anxiety | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Anxiety of High Achievers

Postpartum Anxiety

Posted on April 9, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

You’ve just had a baby, and everyone is so excited for you, but you feel like this wonderful time is nothing but stress. You’re expected to host guests and well-wishers who want to see the baby and congratulate you, but you’re exhausted, worried, tense, and moody. You wonder, “What’s wrong with me?”

Nothing is really wrong with you. Your reactions are common and understandable. Postpartum anxiety (PPA) can occur any time within the first year after having a baby, but usually begins within days or weeks of the delivery, and can occur no matter how many children you have had.

As an experienced psychotherapist in New York City who has also worked as a postpartum doula, I have helped many new mothers recover their sense of calm and balance after childbirth.

Baby blues, postpartum anxiety, and depression

A new mother’s emotions can be a bit volatile shortly after having a baby. This is mostly caused by hormonal changes, disruption in normal sleep cycles, family life, and concern for the baby. It can begin a few days after delivery and last a couple of weeks. These feelings generally resolve on their own, as you settle into parenthood and your hormones calm down.

However, if these symptoms seem extreme or if they persist, you may be experiencing anxiety, which strikes about 17% of mothers postpartum. Factors that increase the risk of PPA include:

  • Previous history of anxiety, PTSD, or abuse
  • Limited social or familial support
  • Preterm birth or difficult delivery
  • Poor health habits, both physical and mental
  • Low sense of self-esteem or capability
  • Difficulty nursing or concern because the baby needs to take formula

Symptoms of PPA are not unlike general anxiety but tend to be focused on the baby or parenthood. These may include:

  • Physical symptoms such as rapid heart rate, loss of appetite, shortness of breath, trouble sitting still, or muscle tension
  • Disruption of sleep beyond the need to feed or care for the baby at night; getting up to constantly check that the baby is breathing; jumping at every sound
  • Racing thoughts (especially worse-case scenarios); forgetfulness; irritability or tearfulness; unable to relax; feeling fearful; obsessive thoughts
  • Excessive caution; being controlling or not trusting anyone else with the baby; avoiding certain people or places beyond healthy precautions

Sometimes these feelings can bloom into postpartum depression (PPD), so it’s important to address your symptoms as soon as possible to avoid this possibility. PPD differs from PPA in degree and also in thoughts of hopelessness or worthlessness; overwhelming fatigue; excessive mood swings, anger, or weepiness; inability to think clearly; and even thoughts of harming yourself or your child.

Getting help quickly

Turn to your partner and talk out your feelings to get support during this time of transition. You need help so that you can get the sleep you need, and you need someone to make healthy meals for you so that you maintain your own health. If you have family or friends whom you trust, turn to them for emotional support and share the caregiving.

As a psychotherapist who started as a postpartum doula, I understand what you’re going through. We can work on grounding skills so that you can develop the confidence and peace that you need to trust that your baby will be fine and that you can be the mother that you want to be.

Interestingly, 11% of partners can also experience PPA, so you may want to get counseling together. Your partner can learn techniques to help and support you while getting the help he/she may need for themselves. Find an experienced postpartum counselor near you so that you can address your feelings as soon as possible. If you’re in the New York City area, call to see how I can help.

Posted in Postpartum Depression | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Postpartum Anxiety

Why Saying “Just Relax” Is Not Emotionally Healthy

Posted on April 9, 2026 by AHafkin

Whether you say this to yourself or you hear it from your spouse, friend, or colleague, being told to “just relax” or “just let it go” doesn’t work and isn’t healthy. While it might be true that you need to relax or let go, it’s not that easy. You need to address your main issue—you are stressed, and you want help.  

Yes, you can learn to relax, let it go, and get over it. But the keyword is “learn.” As a psychotherapist in New York City, I regularly help my clients learn powerful tools that don’t just “manage” stress but can actually help to reduce it. We can work together to calm your nervous system, get you through stressful situations, and manage future stress successfully.

First steps

Evaluate what causes you to feel stressed or anxious. What are your triggers? Do they involve specific situations? Individuals? Levels of busyness? Do they come on when you are low on sleep or haven’t exercised in a while?

Sometimes the answer is fairly obvious: “Whenever I don’t get enough sleep or miss my workout, I get really stressed.” This is easy to fix. But if it were that obvious, you probably would have fixed it. So it likely goes deeper.

If you get overwhelmed and stressed when you have too many things going on at once, and you’re just too busy, the answer may be to learn how to politely say no.

But if you evaluate yourself and can’t find an obvious solution, or if the solution is obvious but you can’t really change it (for instance, an extremely stressful work environment or trouble balancing work and family life), then you need to develop strategies to ease your stress and anxiety.

Helpful strategies

We should always look first to lifestyle fixes: nutritious food, healthy sleep, and regular exercise. Involving your family in these steps deepens the family bond and helps everyone be less stressed and healthier together! Walking the dog with your spouse or going to the park to jog with the kids can be a wonderful bonding time and an emotional lift.

Beyond basic self-care, there are many very helpful strategies for de-stressing, but different methods work better for different people. We can work together to see which works for you. Some possible strategies include:

  • Mindfulness: There are many techniques, and I work with my patients to determine which mindfulness techniques work best for them.
  • Movement that calms: Again, there are many techniques. We can find something you enjoy that helps you relax.
  • 60-second reset: There is strong science behind a breathing technique that calms the brain and slows the nervous system reaction to anxiety in just 60 seconds. Here are the steps: Relax your shoulders and get comfortable; breathe in through the nose for four seconds; hold it for four seconds; release the air slowly through your mouth for six seconds; repeat four times.
  • Laughing and smiling: You literally trigger “happy hormones” when you smile and laugh. Get a joke book, tell someone your favorite joke, or watch a funny movie.
  • Doing a hobby you love: Pick something soothing, not something that you will criticize yourself over. For instance, if you try to draw or paint a portrait and it doesn’t look like the person, and that would bother you, don’t pick that hobby.

In our discussions, we will also explore the possibility of a deeper cause for your anxious response to these stimuli. Sometimes, a past event keeps rehearsing subconsciously in your head. For instance, if traffic makes you very anxious, was there a traffic accident in your past that involved you or a loved one, that may still be affecting you? If you are fearful of losing your job if you don’t perform to perfection, is there an event in your past that is creating this fear?

The stress management techniques may be all you need to balance your emotions and overcome anxious moments. But if there is an underlying issue that causes your anxiety, we can explore that together. With deeper underlying causes, there are no quick fixes, since they’ve been there for a while. But together we can create a safe space for you to explore what causes the stress and how to deal with it long before you are in a prolonged state of anxiety. If you’re in the NYC area, contact me to see how I can help you.

Posted in General Self Help | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Why Saying “Just Relax” Is Not Emotionally Healthy

Apps Don’t Help Your Relationship Issues

Posted on March 17, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

Lots of relationship apps have been developed in recent years that claim to help couples connect and bond. These apps offer suggestions for date nights, send daily relationship questions, or help couples understand each other’s emotional needs. 

I applaud every attempt to help couples engage in meaningful dialogue and grow in understanding of each other’s emotional needs. But an app can’t help deep-seated issues that may be causing conflict in your relationship.

When relationship apps can be useful

I have found that these types of apps do have some value. They help couples get to know each other at the beginning of relationships. This can help them determine if they are actually compatible. The apps are also helpful in stable, long-term relationships when a couple wants to renew their focus on each other, as the busyness of life can often distract partners from one another. I think an app is a great idea for helping these healthy relationships become stronger. There are many different kinds of apps with different focuses. If you want to try one, look at several to see which one suits your needs.

When it’s time to seek professional help

Nonetheless, if you and your spouse have been struggling in some area, don’t depend on an app to fix it. If an issue is just beginning to crop up, nip it in the bud. Reach out to an experienced marriage counselor who can help determine if the problem is a communication style difference or a difference in emotional needs. A counselor can help you pick up on each other’s emotional signals and adjust your communication styles so that the other one hears and understands what you’re trying to say (and vice versa, of course). With this knowledge, you may be able to use apps effectively and continue to strengthen your relationship over time.

Couples who are dealing with more extreme issues such as infidelity or infertility need the safe and supportive environment that a couples therapist can provide. The breakdown that extreme issues cause, can often trigger intense responses in a relationship and this is when couples therapy can help.

The value of doing the work together

I applaud and honor couples who are willing to work together to overcome problems for the sake of their love and the commitment they made toward each other. We all benefit from having someone to walk through life with and help us through our rough spots. When you have a partner who is willing to do that for you, life is a little easier. Recognizing what a gift such a person is in your life, will help you both see the value in working hard to keep your relationship strong.

Feel free to try a few relationship apps. But if you need more help, reach out to a good marriage therapist. If you’re in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help you.

Posted in Couples Therapy | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Apps Don’t Help Your Relationship Issues

Dealing with Anger

Posted on March 17, 2026 by Alisa Hafkin

We often hear of people having “anger issues.” But anger is considered a secondary emotion, generally caused by a primary emotion that is under the surface. The “anger iceberg” can hide deep-seated emotions that can extend as far back as early childhood. 

If you have unreasonable anger or “anger issues” that you just haven’t been able to overcome even though you’ve tried, it is probably because you’re trying to address the symptom rather than the real cause. If you fly off the handle because the cap is left off the toothpaste, or if you find yourself being irritable with your co-workers, spouse, or children beyond what the situation warrants, you may need to look deeply into what other emotions you may be hiding. 

Here in NYC, emotions can naturally run high with the stress of navigating daily life. Managing your career, family, and self-care usually comes with a certain amount of hustle and stress. I work with clients to find underlying causes of the issues that brings them to my office. We can work together to develope tools that can help you slow down and take stock of how you are feeling so that you can assess all aspects of your life.  

Physiology of anger

Anger is an evolutionary defense mechanism. When something triggers anger in us, our heart rate increases, blood rushes to our extremities, and we have a rush of energy, making us ready to fight to defend ourselves and our loved ones. We are ready for rigorous action to protect ourselves! The problem is that most of us don’t face physical danger that requires us to fight. Our perceived danger is emotional or relational, so a different approach needs to be exercised. Learning that approach is critical to overcoming a tendency to anger.

Say no to “anger management”

As a psychotherapist, I don’t help people “manage” their anger. I help them find out what underlying emotions are being masked by the anger. The anger may be hiding feelings such as fear, humiliation, hurt, rejection, loss, frustration, and sorrow. Many of these emotions leave one feeling raw, exposed, and vulnerable. Anger protects us from the vulnerability of these painful emotions. Anger is safer. It also often pushes people away from us, protecting us from more pain.

Most people don’t realize they are doing this. Most people don’t really want to fly off the handle so easily. But subconsciously, anger is the lesser of two evils.

For example, a woman who carries a deep-seated fear of loss since childhood due to abandonment by a parent may consciously want a good relationship as an adult, but anger keeps damaging every relationship she has. Subconsciously, she may be protecting herself from being hurt again. By uncovering the origins of her behaviors and emotions, we can resolve them in a safe environment and work to develop alternative, healthier behaviors and emotional responses to triggers.

If you find yourself struggling to overcome anger, consider the possibility that something else deeper may be going on. A professional therapist can help you find the root causes and work with you to overcome them. If you’re in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help you.

Posted in General Self Help | Tagged , , , , | Comments Off on Dealing with Anger