Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Posted on April 19, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

The word “boundary” seems to have a negative connotation – a boundary prevents me from going someplace; it limits me. But if that boundary was a tall fence that keeps you from stepping off a steep cliff, you would be very glad it’s there! So it is with marriage boundaries. As a marriage counselor in New York City, I have witnessed the difficulties that develop in marriage when couples don’t respect each other’s boundaries. A healthy marriage can be restored, but every couple should strive to set personal boundaries from the outset in order to remain strong – and avoid stepping off that cliff.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are preferences, agreed behaviors, and no-go areas in a relationship. You don’t have to call them boundaries. In fact, you have probably already established some without realizing it. For instance, if you’ve asked your spouse not to look at his or her phone during your together-time, you have established a boundary – no technology during intimate moments. You didn’t have to call it a boundary in order to make that agreement. And that’s the key word – agreement. 

A boundary is something you both agree on in your relationship that can help you grow stronger as a couple and as individuals. But because you are a couple, you need to agree on them, or one spouse may have a tendency to cross the boundary, which is where trouble can begin.

Communicating boundaries

The boundaries of one couple or one individual may be different from another couple or individual. In my example above, some couples may enjoy cuddling, looking at their social media together, and sharing what each other is seeing. Another couple may think that takes away from together time. The challenge is when one person wants to cuddle while focusing on social media while the other wants to cuddle while focusing on each other. That’s when communication comes into play. 

Communication between spouses must be robust and respectful at the same time. Saying “You prefer that phone over me!” is not a good way to begin a conversation on the topic. Saying something along the lines of, “Honey, I really want us to focus on each other without technology when we are together” is a much healthier way to begin the conversation.

Clear communication is critical in order to prevent hurt feelings, which can bottle up and lead to resentment if a spouse feels like his or her unspoken (or unclearly spoken) boundaries are repeatedly crossed. Be prepared for a real conversation. Your spouse may say, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize it bothered you.” You can simply state, then, “Let’s make it a plan that when we are having our quiet time together at the end of the day, for at least a half hour, we look at no technology and focus on each other.” That’s a clear boundary.

On the other hand, your spouse may push back. “I haven’t gotten to look at my phone all day. It helps me relax and unwind.” Or “Why does it bother you so much? I’m here, aren’t I?” Depending on how it’s said, these could be hurtful. Try not to respond with anger or clam up with resentment. Explain why it bothers you. Ask how you two can arrange things so that your spouse can have time to look at social media and you have time for his or her full attention. Quality time together will strengthen your relationship, so it’s worth the effort. 

If you have difficulty with this kind of healthy communication, an experienced marriage counselor can help teach you both healthy communication techniques, which are crucial for a healthy marriage.

Some healthy boundaries

Your boundaries or relationship preferences may be very different from other people’s. One boundary that every healthy relationship must have is no physical abuse or emotional manipulation. You do not have to stay in a relationship where you are being abused. Get away from physical abuse as soon as possible. Emotional abuse can sometimes be unintentional, but the abuser probably is dealing with issues and probably needs professional help. Protect yourself from emotional abuse, even if you decide to try to work on the marriage.

Besides these obvious non-negotiable boundaries, here are a few others that you may want to discuss with your spouse. Again, you don’t have to think of them as boundaries. They are how your relationship is arranged in order for you both to be happy, together and apart.

  • Privacy – Some couples use the bathroom together, others don’t. Some couples have access to each other’s social media or computer files, others don’t. Discuss your preferences.
  • Time – Do you or your spouse need some downtime, alone time, friend time, cuddle time? Talk it out.
  • Space – Do you want a personal space to escape to when you need to unwind? Someplace to do your hobby? Emotional space to work things out on your own?
  • Intimacy – This may include non-sexual cuddling as well as your sex life. Boundaries are important here because neither spouse should feel like a sex toy nor feel ignored and undesired. You are meant to complement each other and bring each other comfort, not to feel used or rejected by one extreme or another.
  • Outside influences – Your marriage is more important than any friend, relative, or hobby.
  • Finances – Discuss spending preferences so that you agree with the uses of funds. Each of you could have a “play fund” where a certain amount of your money is set aside for your hobbies or purchases, thus avoiding arguments over expenses.

Take some time to talk with your spouse about any boundaries you think would benefit your marriage, and if you need help, contact an experienced marriage counselor.

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The Difference Between Guilt and Shame

Posted on April 19, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

When you start to experience depression and anxiety, feelings of guilt and shame tend to creep into your thoughts. I help patients process the feelings usually present when they are not feeling well and/or are very anxious about life. When you feel as if you are not doing the right thing or are not far enough along in the world, it is important to pause to evaluate whether your thoughts are justified. More than likely, they are not.  

While the terms guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, they are very distinct emotions with different paths to healing. Simply stated, guilt is when you think you did something wrong. Shame is when you think there’s something fundamentally wrong with you. 

Guilt is usually related to an incident that you feel remorse over, whether it was an action or inaction. It’s also possible to feel guilt for things outside of your control, which is often the cause of survivor guilt. Guilt can also sometimes lead to shame, if you come to believe that there is some personal flaw in you that caused the incident.

Shame is often rooted in insecurity, which may be caused by negative experiences that become internalized. While it is usually fairly easy to find the reasons for guilty feelings, shame usually requires a deeper examination of root causes. 

Self-talk for guilt and shame

When you experience guilt, your self-talk may include statements like, “I can’t believe I did that! What was I thinking?! I really hurt his feelings and I feel so terrible about it.” This can often lead to self-condemning statements such as “I’m so stupid. Why did I do that? I feel like such a terrible person.” These statements, if not checked, can lead to a deeper sense of shame. But if the guilt is caught early enough and addressed, you may be able to avoid falling into the pit of shame.

When you experience shame, the self-condemnation is deeper. Your self-talk may include statements like, “No one loves me. I’m unlovable. I don’t deserve good things. I’m a terrible person. I’m broken and unfixable. There’s something really wrong with me.” These kinds of statements are dark and deeply harmful, making you turn in on yourself and away from others.

How to address guilt

The emotion of guilt can actually be helpful because it can lead you to address behavior that you perceive is wrongful. As a therapist, I work with people through their feelings of guilt to discover the incidents that may have caused those feelings. At times we may discover together that the guilt is unfounded and we discuss ways to overcome the false guilt. But if it is built upon an incident that you determine is truly a mistake that you made, the first step is to address it, take responsibility, and admit you were wrong to the person you wronged. Ask forgiveness and promise to change your behavior. If you must make amends in some way, discuss with the person how you can make it up to him or her. 

Sometimes, if a relationship has been harmed, repairing the damage may take a lot of effort because trust has been broken. But try. If you try to change your behavior, your friend or loved one may begin to trust you again and you can patch up the relationship. I have seen marriages heal when the wronged spouse sees that the repentant spouse is really trying.

One of my areas of focus is cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps people make changes to their lives by focusing on automatic thoughts that lead to specific behaviors. We go through a variety of techniques that can help you positively retrain your automatic reactions and thoughts in order to help overcome actions or behaviors that have led to guilt in the past. 

How to address shame

Shame is caused by deep-seated emotions that may be rooted in past experiences. Psychodynamic therapy, another one of my areas of focus, can help you understand your unique history of thoughts, relationships, and behavior patterns to unlock unconscious internal dilemmas. By looking deeper into early childhood and life experiences you had growing up, we can often find the root causes of shame and help you make more conscious rather than reactive emotional choices.

No one should live with either guilt or shame. Guilt, if caught early, can sometimes be healed without the help of a therapist, but shame often needs the gentle guidance of an expert in a safe environment to address deeper wounds that need to heal. I encourage you to find a competent therapist near you.

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How to Nurture Better Relationships Between Parents and Adult Children

Posted on April 19, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

As we grow up, we develop patterns of behavior in our interactions with our parents. No parents are perfect, and no children are perfect. We all have traits, both positive and negative, that have interacted and sometimes been in conflict with each other. But once children become adults, those behaviors may need to change. 

Changing our behavior may be a challenge because our behavior is based on many years of habit and conditioning. Sometimes that conditioning can roll over into other relationships, especially those involving an authority struggle. How you interact with your boss, what causes disagreements with your spouse, and what makes you pop off at the kids could actually be related to your experiences with your parents growing up, so it’s important to revisit and, when necessary, rewire those crucial relationships.

Psychodynamic therapy does a deep dive into understanding an individual’s personal history and what might drive one’s reactions, decisions, and relationships. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have helped many clients understand themselves more deeply and thus improve relationships with family, spouse, children, and co-workers.

Not everyone needs therapy to heal a relationship between child and parent, though. When both parties are motivated to improve their relationship, a few key steps will help improve your interactions and revive your parent-child bonds.

1.   Act like adults

This can be harder for the child because we can be tempted to regress into old patterns of behavior and a mode of speech that is more typical for children or teens. Acting like an adult means thinking before reacting, trying to understand the other person’s point of view, and taking responsibility for one’s own life. It can take planning ahead of time to be prepared for the possibility that Mom might say that one thing that always irritates you or she may bring up that issue that you feel is none of her business. Prepare ahead of time: how will you respond? Can you flip it around and ask her questions instead, not to change the subject but to understand her motive for asking? Try using communication skills that work successfully in another aspect of your life, like at work or with clients. Treat Mom with that respect and she will hopefully respond in kind. It will be easier each time until you and your mother have created a new habit of interaction.

2.   Take responsibility for your own life

If you ask your parents for money when you’re in a tight spot or assume your parents will babysit for your children so you can go out, don’t be surprised if your parents think they have the right to question your use of money, your parenting style, or your use of free time.

3.   Create boundaries.

Parents are concerned about many aspects of their children’s lives. A study found that while adult children may be concerned about their parents’ health, parents of adult children are concerned about their children’s health, relationships, safety, finances, and more. Your parents have worried about these things all their lives; they aren’t going to stop. Together you need to discuss the issues of your parents’ concerns and determine boundaries. Children need to acknowledge their parents’ love, while parents need to acknowledge their children’s right to do things their own way. Children should still allow parents to offer advice or suggestions without being irritated, but parents also need to let the subject go and let their children make their own decisions once their advice or concerns are shared.

4.   Stay connected

Don’t avoid each other just because your relationship is strained. Studies demonstrate that both parents and adult children fare better if they stay in contact, as long as there is no abuse involved. Working at your relationship with each other will make you better people and will help with other conflict management opportunities you may have. Family relationships are the most emotionally charged. If you can resolve differences in the family, you will have learned skills that will work in any situation.

5.   Honor your parents

Your parents have done a lot for you, even if they made mistakes. They are also a wealth of information about your family history, and what it was like to live during a certain time. In previous generations, everyone had stories about what they were doing when they found out that the Twin Towers were attacked, or President Kennedy was shot, or World War II ended. Wise children collected family history and perspectives of those parents who lived through the Great Depression. Don’t miss your family legacy. Just by asking, by showing interest, you will be showing respect and will improve your relationship with your parents. 

If your relationship is still too stressed, before giving up and cutting ties, ask your parents if they would be willing to attend counseling with you in order to work out the relationship. Find a counselor in your area with experience helping parents and adult children heal the gaps between them.

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Dealing with Anxiety: Set Up Your Apartment for Success 

Posted on April 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Your living arrangements can have a dramatic impact on your mood. Even the layout of your NYC apartment is important. A 2018 study published in the Journal of Urban Health found that apartment layouts in which rooms all branched out from a corridor were more associated with depression in women than apartments in which rooms branched out from a central living space.

We can’t easily change the apartment in which we live, but we can make adjustments to decor that can help lift the spirits and improve mood. I often suggest that my clients make changes at home to support the work we are doing in our therapy sessions. Try some of these things to help improve your mood, especially if winters are dark, dreary, or cold where you live. 

  • Bring in the light: Uncover your windows to bring in as much light as possible. In rooms where you may want privacy, such as your bedroom and bathroom, you could add interior shutters or a curtain that only covers the lower half of the window, leaving the top open to the light. Natural light also helps the circadian rhythm in the brain which sends signals to us when it’s time to unwind and sleep.
  • Change your lights: That said, light sensitivity is commonly associated with anxiety, and certain lights are very disruptive. Fluorescent lights have been found to affect melatonin (which is needed to sleep), increase panic attacks, and even induce seizures. Light from blue lightbulbs has a calming effect. This is not to be confused with the blue light emitted from technology screens, which has been proven in studies to have the same anxiety-producing and sleep-disrupting effects as fluorescent bulbs. Therefore, turn off the screen and let your brain relax. Even better, have parts of your home that are designated “technology-free.”
  • Decorate with blue: Blue light is not the only way blue can have a calming effect. Try painting your walls in blue, adding some blue pillows or a tablecloth, and maybe a wall hanging in a calming blue pattern.
  • Hide the clutter: Cluttered environments increase levels of cortisol (the stress hormone). Put your technology behind a cabinet that can be closed. Remove knickknacks from your shelves so that your shelves look half empty. Thin out your closets and donate your extras to an organization that helps those less fortunate. If it’s hard to let go of things, imagine someone else’s joy in being able to use the item you are considering getting rid of. You will then have the satisfaction of helping others while you help yourself.
  • Add plants: Not only do plants help clear the air of toxins, but interacting with indoor plants by touching, smelling, and caring for them can reduce stress levels. If you’re afraid you won’t keep your plants well watered, ask someone at a plant shop which houseplants best handle neglect. Believe it or not, there are houseplants that thrive when you forget to water them for a couple of weeks. And you can always set an alarm on your phone to remind you to water your plants regularly.
  • Add soft textiles: When you’re dealing with anxiety, soft textures and cuddly blankets are calming and soothing.
  • Use scents to soothe your senses: Lavender is a well-known mood calmer. Try sachets or collections of dried lavender in a pretty bouquet next to the sofa. (As a bonus, lavender is a lovely shade of blue!) Other scents, such as lemon and grapefruit, can brighten your mood and provide positive energy. Consider potpourri or diffusers to provide an enhanced sensory experience to suit your needs. 

Try some of these easy changes to your home and see if they help reduce your anxiety. If you feel you need more help, please find an experienced therapist near you. If you live in the New York City area, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Can a Support Group Help?

Posted on April 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

When we are going through a difficult time in our lives here in New York City, we can benefit from supportive, empathetic people to share our journey with us and help lighten the load. Depending on what the issue may be, a friend, family member, or spouse may be enough to get us through. But sometimes we need others who understand what we’re going through and who have experienced what we’re experiencing, to help us walk that road and come out the other side. That’s where a support group comes in.

Whether you’re dealing with grief, abuse, anxiety, or infertility, there is a group out there for you. Your doctor or your local hospital may be able to recommend local support groups or reputable online organizations. However, a support group is not a substitute for therapy. Working one-on-one with a therapist is often necessary when overcoming deep wounds or events in your life that have affected your ability to cope.

Support groups are often peer-led groups, moderated by someone who shares a common experience with others in the group. These groups can provide you with a sense of belonging, a feeling that you are not alone, and that feeling in itself can be very therapeutic. But be careful; while a well-run support group can enhance your therapy and build upon the progress you make with your therapist, a poorly run group can devolve into individual personalities that can dominate or derail the meetings and possibly make you feel worse.  

Rather than seeking out a support group first, I recommend finding a therapist first, one who is experienced in your particular needs. Interview the potential therapist to find out his or her knowledge of your issues and what type of therapy he or she would use. A good therapist, in the initial conversation, should be able to get a sense of which method of therapy would be most helpful for you. That is not to say that the approach won’t change as therapy progresses – I sometimes make adjustments as my clients begin the process of healing and I assess that a different form of therapy would be more productive at the new stage. This ability to continually evaluate the person’s needs is a product of my empathy, intuition, and years of experience. 

Once you have begun sessions, ask your therapist about adding a support group, if you feel like you would like one. Your therapist undoubtedly knows some reliable groups that have good moderators and can enhance your therapy so that you can progress at a rapid pace toward healing and recovery. 

Find a therapist near you before joining a support group. If you are in the New York City area, feel free to reach out to see how I can help you.

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Healing From Infidelity

Posted on April 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Infidelity in marriage is a tremendous assault on the commitment of the wedding vows. If you discover that your spouse has stepped outside the marriage, you undoubtedly have complex emotions and questions that need to be addressed. For some people, the automatic reaction is to think the marriage is over. But it doesn’t always have to be that way. If you both want to save the marriage, and there is no abuse involved, your marriage can heal. 

The emotional impact of the betrayal of infidelity

While there are many ways for a spouse to betray your trust – substance abuse, lying, financial misdeeds – cheating can feel like it is the most damaging to the relationship. You’ve been betrayed, you’re deeply hurt, and you may be hating your partner or asking yourself what you did wrong to cause him or her to cheat on you, or maybe both. 

Infidelity can cause an avalanche of emotions that can spiral into other areas of your life. You no longer feel like you can trust your spouse, but this distrust can spread to others, as well, making you feel like you can’t trust anyone or anything anymore. You may find your work performance affected because of sadness, anger, or brain fog. You may become testier with the kids, or more clingy. It’s imperative that your emotions be addressed and healed.

But what about the offending partner? Your spouse is likely feeling deep shame as well as remorse for having hurt you. Your unfaithful spouse may be fearful that all is lost, that you will leave and take the kids. Conversely, in some cases, the spouse may compensate by blaming you for your past failures to justify the affair. This kind of behavior can make it even harder to save a marriage after betrayal. It is important to remember that infidelity can seem inexcusable, but that doesn’t mean you may not have things you need to address, too. It’s a painful road to walk, but I have seen marriages become stronger after infidelity than they were before.

How to work to heal your relationship

The shock of discovering infidelity may cause you to feel lost, confused, and alone. You may want to talk to someone, but sometimes people really cannot be trusted with this information – they won’t understand your complex emotions and will offer advice or opinions that may not help you and may actually hurt your chances of recovery.

That said, keeping your discovery to yourself may increase your feelings of loneliness, pain, and isolation. You need someone trustworthy in whom you can confide your feelings. Some people have a close friend or relative who can provide unconditional love, an ear to listen, and a heart to not judge, but unfortunately, some people do not. Whether you have that special person or not, a marriage counselor can be just the right person to provide this support, while also having the training, experience, and expertise to guide you and your spouse through the recovery process.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I help couples through difficult times in their lives, such as infertility or infant loss, troubled marriages, and infidelity. Couples heal best when they have someone with experience to guide them through the difficult conversations that must be had. My orientation is in psychodynamics and cognitive behavioral therapy, in which I guide couples, both individually and together, to find the underlying causes of the issues that may have led to the betrayal and through the steps to recovery. 

If you are willing to forgive, and if your spouse is ready to recommit to the marriage, find a marriage counselor in your area who has experience with helping couples recover from betrayal. Interview the counselor first. It’s critical that you can relate to him or her and trust their approach to marriage therapy. If you are in the NYC area, give me a call. I’d be happy to talk to you about how I can help.

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How to Heal Your Relationship

Posted on April 5, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Are you and your spouse at odds and unhappy, but want to stay together? Make 2024 your year to address these issues and find loving, mutually supportive solutions. As a psychotherapist in New York City working with couples, I have seen many couples who were in troubled relationships recover the love that seemed lost in their marriage. It is possible, if you are both committed to it.

Look at yourself first

Though it’s hard to admit, sometimes we need to start with “fixing” ourselves. Couples therapy should include a little soul-searching, and you might find that some of the triggers that your spouse always seems to be able to hit are actually rooted in past experiences in your life that hurt you. Your spouse may be accidentally reminding you of those past events and you may be responding, unconsciously, to that earlier stimulus. In therapy, it is important to identify clues that there might be something deeper going on. 

There may also be something else going on, such as stress at work, that may be causing you to be more on edge. External stressors are extremely important to consider when doing couples therapy. We can look into those, as well.  

Both spouses will need to examine their behaviors to see how they may be contributing to the turmoil. Be prepared to humbly recognize that you both need to change, and be committed to making those changes, for the good of your marriage and the good of each other. 

Learn how to communicate

My experience has shown me that the biggest issue couples have is communication. When couples develop the skills to properly communicate their feelings and their wishes, they are more able to resolve problems amicably, to the benefit of their marriage and family.

Communication is very complex, involving not just the choice of words, but also the tone of voice, body language, pauses, and more. Perhaps even more important in communication is the ability to listen. If the other person does not know how to listen effectively, communication literally will not take place. If you say one thing but your spouse “hears” the opposite, either because of your tone of voice or body language, or because of your spouse’s past experiences, you have not been able to communicate. 

Most of us listen in order to know how to respond, instead of listening in order to understand. When one is seeking to understand, one asks clarifying questions – sincere questions, not “gotcha” questions – so that deeper understanding can be reached. 

Learning communication skills is one of the most important aspects of couples therapy. Once you and your spouse master this skill, you will hear what the other one is saying, you will be able to discuss issues constructively, and most importantly, you will find that the other spouse is working just as hard to resolve the issue by focusing on listening.

Household and financial management

Finances and childrearing are two of the most common causes of disagreements in marriage. Another is taking care of the home. Financial decisions and housekeeping tend to be fairly easily addressed, once healthy communication has been developed. 

One’s attitude towards child rearing is often rooted in one’s own childhood experiences and one’s values, which cannot be easily compromised. Often, when we dig into the roots of disagreements, awareness of past childhood experiences and how they affect your present disagreements can provide insight into the foundations of your child-rearing goals and style, as well. With this knowledge, I work together with couples to find a compromise that can benefit both the couple and their children. 

Spend time together and apart

It’s important to nurture your relationship as a couple, independent of the children or the home. In other words, get out of the house together on a regular basis. It could be dinner or a movie, walking or biking, visiting museums, or going to a show. Find something you both enjoy or take turns introducing your spouse to something you love. For instance, if your spouse is into motorcycles and you are into classical music, go on a date to a motorcycle race and have your spouse explain why it’s so interesting and exciting. Then on your next date, go to a concert, explaining the composer and the musical pieces to your spouse ahead of time so that he or she can understand and appreciate it better at the concert. 

You should also spend time alone, doing something that fuels you. This quiet time can help you unwind, recharge, and appreciate your family all the more. 

If you and your spouse are in the NYC area and are looking to heal a troubled relationship or even strengthen a good one, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Is Your Marriage Stuck in a Rut? How to Get the Momentum Back

Posted on November 6, 2023 by Alisa Hafkin

It is common for a couple to find themselves falling into life routines that cause a sense of boredom and monotony in their marriage. The day-in-day-out sameness of modern life seems to suck the joy out of the relationship and can lead to a sense of discontent. Focus can be drawn away from each other and toward work and raising children, causing the couple to forget that they ARE a couple and that the commitments to work and care for children are products of their commitment to each other. Your relationship matters, and it comes first. The first step is one of discovery – the discovery of each other.

Discuss your feelings

Are you the only one who is feeling bored or stuck? You may be trying to tell your parter how you feel and how you do that matters in order to avoid conflict. Try sharing your thoughts while doing something you both enjoy, like taking a hike. Express that you feel like your marriage has gotten a little stuck and ask if he or she feels the same way. Make sure to check in with your partner by asking if they are open to having a talk so that they aren’t caught off guard.

You may get a variety of answers. Your partner may say no, they haven’t noticed anything, which may indicate that they still feel the same way about you as they did in the early days. They might say yes, and share that they’re worried about work or finances, or something else, again suggesting their feelings for you are unchanged and that they’re just distracted. Finally, they may say yes and tell you some things that have been bothering them that do have something to do with you.

Whatever the answer is, you can grow from the knowledge. If they still feel the same flame, you can discuss ways you’re feeling in a rut and discuss things you can do together to help you both feel that fire again. If they’re distracted by other pressures, talk about ways you can both unwind together. If there are some relationship issues, knowing them means you can begin to work on them. Depending on what they are, consider finding a counselor to help you work through them.

Remember why you fell in love

To start rekindling the flame, take some time to reminisce together about the early days. Look at old photos, relive the happy memories, and laugh together. Snuggle together while you’re doing this. Touch is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. It doesn’t always have to lead to sex – in fact, a healthy relationship includes many instances of non-sexual touching. Touch is the most primordial and the most personal of all our senses and reaches our hearts. Combined with happy memories, it will help embed those positive emotions deeper into our relationships.

Pursue each other again

When you were dating, you were in a rhythm of pursuing and enticing into pursuit. While we traditionally think of the man in pursuit of the woman, both in their own way are chasing and drawing each other into the chase. Once the couple is married, this process often stops, and that’s what can cause the couple to feel bored and stuck. 

That ongoing give and take of the chase can continue even after you’re married, even after many years and when the children are grown up. Date nights can involve getting dressed up and going out together, but it can also be taking a quiet walk together or watching a favorite movie with a glass of wine and the lights dimmed. 

Another element to help increase a connection is acts of kindness. One partner gets the other one coffee; one brings home a rose for the other; a tired parent gets to relax while the other takes the kids out, etc. You’re touching each other’s heart with these thoughtful acts.

Maybe intellectual pursuits or the arts are something you both enjoy. Then you can share a book or a visit to the art museum and discuss the characters, the motive, or the deeper points the author or artist may be trying to make.

Find common activities

In our busy modern life, couples often spend most of their waking hours apart. This is one of the reasons they tend to drift. Make a conscious decision to do things together to increase your positive shared experiences. 

Come up with a few fun things to do together and do at least one weekly. If you can find a hobby that you both enjoy, especially one that provides exercise and the great outdoors, you will be strengthening both your relationship and your health at the same time. 

An even more fulfilling activity could be serving others less fortunate. Working together to make life better for others can provide a sense of purpose. This can also greatly benefit your children because they will see their parents working together for a good cause, which instills in them the importance of service, it strengthens the marriage, and it shows the children an example of what a good marriage looks like. 

Your love can be enhanced and be even stronger than before after you work together to rekindle the joy and attraction that you had in the early days of your relationship. You have years of experiences that you’ve gone through together, and you’ve shown each other that you truly are committed to each other, good times and bad, and are willing to work for the marriage. There’s nothing more satisfying than knowing that someone else is willing to fight for your love.

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Late-term Pregnancy Loss

Posted on November 6, 2023 by Alisa Hafkin

Losing a child is one of the most excruciating pains anyone can experience. Miscarriage also involves the loss of a child, but unfortunately, society does not generally give the same level of sympathy to parents after miscarriage as to those who lose a child at birth or after. This often exacerbates the terrible grief parents feel. Most couples benefit from the help of a counselor who has experience in pregnancy and fertility issues to help them grieve and reach wholeness again.

How miscarriage is different from other loss

The death of a loved one is always painful, but in most cases, you have memories of the person to give you some comfort as time goes by. With miscarriage and stillbirth, it is the future that has been taken from you, with your only memories being those of anticipation. 

When your baby dies before birth, you feel robbed of the future as well as the past. Both parents bond with the baby in their own way and after a miscarriage you leave the hospital empty-handed, with no days of future joy together to look forward to. The grief can seem truly unbearable. 

In our culture, we unfortunately, do not have an established tradition for acknowledging the loss of a child pre-birth that allows the parents to publicly grieve and receive sympathy. Thus, most people who have not experienced this kind of loss do not know how to respond and even with the best intentions, their comforting words may feel painful. Perhaps worse, they may act as if your loss is not very serious. 

Commonly, people may ask questions, like when you will “try again,” as if your child was just “something” you were “trying” to accomplish. Or they will offer advice on what you should do differently to prevent miscarriage next time. Though generally well-intended, these comments can be salt in your wound.

Beyond how others treat you, there is the issue of how you treat yourself. Everyone handles grief and trauma differently, but most people go through what are commonly defined as “the five phases of grief” and when pregnancy loss is involved, parents often turn in on themselves in the process.

Working through the stages of grief

The five stages of grief are generally listed as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone goes through all these stages and not always in this order, and some are experienced simultaneously. But it’s important to recognize them and work through them in a healthy manner. Again, a trained counselor can be instrumental in this process. 

Denial may present itself as isolation. You may not want to admit to yourself or to others that you have lost your child, so you isolate yourself in order not to face it. Being alone is sometimes necessary to help us process, so rather than hiding, turn your isolation into personal time. Don’t leave your partner out of this period of isolation, either. Be alone together, at least part of the time, holding each other and acknowledge your love for each other, even if you spend most of your time in silence.

Anger is a powerful emotion that appears when we feel we have experienced a grave injustice. Surely, losing a child feels like the most unfair thing that could possibly happen. Seeking some explanation for this injustice and someone to blame, you may turn your anger upon your own body for failing to keep your child safe. You may blame your parter for doing something wrong, or blame the doctor for not doing the right tests to prevent this. You may turn your rage upon anyone who says the wrong thing. If you do discover a reason for the miscarriage, the “blame game” can really ramp up. In most cases, however, pregnancy loss is no one’s fault. Sometimes, it just happens. 

In order to overcome this anger, you must constantly remind yourself that nothing was intentional: your doctor didn’t intentionally refrain from offering you a test that may have revealed a problem; your body didn’t purposely develop the condition that led to the miscarriage; your mother or best friend didn’t mean to hurt your feelings and was probably trying to help. This is the first step to forgiveness, which is the only way to overcome the darkness of anger. 

Bargaining can include making a “deal” with God, promising to change this or that lifestyle decision if He would just let you have a healthy delivery next time. Or you could just bargain with yourself that if you eat better and exercise, you could prevent another miscarriage. Healthy food and exercise are always good choices, but choose them in order to be healthier, not with the sole goal in mind of avoiding pregnancy loss, because that keeps your mind always focused on the pain of the past.

Depression can set in when you feel like you are helpless to prevent another miscarriage, when you feel like you aren’t getting pregnant again fast enough, or when you feel that another baby will never replace the baby you lost. 

Depression due to pregnancy loss should be handled with the same sensitivity as with any depression, and often with some of the same solutions. Try to get out in the fresh air, especially in nature. Participate in fun activities like exercising with your parter in order to build up the happy memories from interests that you share together. Talk to a counselor who has expertise in depression, especially depression caused by miscarriage. And the mother should keep in mind that some of these emotions are actually associated with sudden hormone changes, which should make it easier to forgive yourself for the anger and depression and help you overcome it.

Please remember that you don’t have to go through the grief of miscarriage alone. If you are in the New York City area, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Adoption as an Option

Posted on October 23, 2023 by Alisa Hafkin

As a couples therapist and marriage counselor in New York City, I see many couples who struggle with infertility. Fortunately, a variety of medical interventions have been developed in recent years that help some couples conceive their own child; however, these treatments are usually quite expensive, can be very stressful, and sadly, do not work for everyone. Some couples find themselves wondering what other options they have. One of those options is adoption.

Adoption is an option that works for many couples. Giving a safe, happy home to a child who otherwise would not have one can bring a sense of joy and satisfaction to a couple, as well as finally having a child to nurture and love. So many adoptive parents gratefully think, “What would have happened to our child, had we not adopted?” The benefits of adoption are many. But it’s important to be cautious and take a number of steps to determine if adoption is right for you. 

Deciding you’re ready to adopt

Before adopting, it’s important to complete the grieving process of not being able to conceive your own biological child. Your heart and mind need to be ready for, and excited about adopting your child after coming to terms with not being able to give birth to your child.

It’s normal for one spouse to be ready to adopt before the other. We all grieve differently, and we all have different ideas about what adoption is like. I often encourage couples to seek out people they know who have adopted. There are always bumps in parenting, whether your child is biological or adopted, so don’t be surprised by stories of complications in the adoption process. Talk to parents about how much their adopted child means to them, and you will likely discover great joy and gratitude for the child. 

Initial steps in adoption

When you’re both ready to adopt, start asking yourself questions. You will both need to agree on these decisions. I often recommend couples think about these questions separately and then discuss them together. Any areas of concern or disagreement can be discussed in a counseling session.

  • Do you want to adopt a newborn, a young child, or an older child?
  • Are you willing to adopt a child with disabilities?
  • Are you willing to adopt a child of a different race or religion?
  • Do you want a U.S. adoption, or are you open to international adoption?
  • Are you willing to have an open adoption arrangement, in which the birth mother has some contact with the child or is at least kept informed about the child?

Once you have answered these questions and any other questions that may arise as you talk, begin researching adoption agencies or looking into private attorneys who specialize in adoption. You need to determine which is best for your needs. You can also ask for recommendations from people you know who have adopted a child.

Be wary of unscrupulous organizations or individuals who take advantage of couples and birth mothers. Red flags include being unlicensed, not having sufficient answers to questions on screening of birth mothers, emotional manipulation, and mothers asking for money directly. 

Before you make any decisions about the best agency or attorney to choose, talk with a marriage counselor who has experience helping couples navigate the emotional and psychological aspects of the adoption process. Adoption can trigger a lot of emotional stress, and it’s good to have an expert support you with this important, life-changing decision. If you are in the NYC area, contact me to see how I can help you.

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