Dealing with infertility can be an emotional roller coaster for individuals and couples dealing with it. Many people confronting infertility can feel guilt or shame, have a sense of failure or inadequacy, or even think they’re being punished by God for something they’ve done in the past. These emotions can be hard to hide, and in the work environment, especially if you’re working closely with a team, people will probably pick up on the fact that something is bothering you.
In addition, you may have many doctor appointments, and if you’re receiving any hormonal treatments you may be experiencing physical or emotional side effects, such as exhaustion, headaches, or mood swings. These could all affect your availability at work and even your performance.
The question is, how much do you share?
On the one hand, it’s your personal life and you are under no obligation to tell anyone. On the other hand, your supervisors and team may need to have some explanation if your emotions or your treatments are noticeably affecting your work.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer regarding how much you should share and with whom. Office cultures are different and jobs are different. When I work with couples going through infertility, I discuss their work environments with them and help them work out what is right for their own unique situations.
You may find you need some accommodations in order to take your medications at the precise time, for instance, or to allow for personal days after having a fertility treatment that causes unpleasant side effects. This should be discussed with your supervisor and/or HR. But you do not need to tell anyone else if you don’t want to.
Nonetheless, some people find that sharing that they are struggling with infertility creates a sense of genuine compassion and support among co-workers. You will have to consider your office environment when it comes to this, and remember, if you tell just a few people, someone will tell others, and soon everyone will know. Therefore, I usually encourage clients to keep the details to a minimum in the office environment.
You don’t owe anyone detailed explanations. This is your life and your process. Take time for yourself, especially after doctor appointments and phone calls that might not give the news you are hoping for. Protect yourself from oversharing and be prepared for times when you might break down.
With whom should you share?
That said, you do need a few close people to confide in. My advice, however, is that those close people not be in the office. Of course, you must keep strong lines of communication with your partner. Surprisingly, it is not uncommon for couples to not talk to each other about their infertility very much. Again, partly it is the sheer weight of emotion, but partly it is a desire not to hurt the other by bringing up a sensitive subject. However, since this is something that so deeply affects both of you, it is important to discuss it.
I have helped many couples grow closer together as they’ve worked through infertility and fertility treatments. With the right communication and emotional healing, your relationship can grow and become stronger.
My advice, then, is to turn first to each other for support and share at work only what is necessary. If you need help strengthening your partnership or discerning how to deal with infertility in the work environment, contact me. I’d like to help.