Long-term marriage takes work. Life is in constant flux, and various influences can impact the condition of your marriage. Ongoing efforts must be made to keep a marriage or any long-term relationship healthy. If your marriage has begun to show signs of wear and tear, or if either of you has personal issues that are affecting the marriage, don’t wait to get professional help. As a New York City psychotherapist and couples counselor, I know that couples therapy, sometimes combined with individual therapy, can and often does save marriages and long-term relationships.
Whether you need couples or individual counseling depends on the types of issues you need to resolve. However, if you are in a relationship, I usually recommend that you come in as a couple first. This way we can assess the situation and get a big-picture view of what may be affecting the marriage/partnership.
Individual therapy as a primary strategy
Individual therapy is usually recommended for people who are dealing with specific personal issues, such as depression, anxiety, work stress, or traumatic past experiences that have left wounds. But all of these problems will certainly impact your relationship. Furthermore, there may be interpersonal dynamics that may worsen your symptoms.
When I meet a couple for the first time, I ask many questions designed to root out sources of conflict in the marriage or struggles in the individual. In some cases, I have found that individual counseling is the primary strategy. However, I often also recommend occasional couples sessions. There are several reasons.
First, if you are working through personal issues and are learning strategies in therapy, you will want your partner to know about them and understand how to interact with you, support you, and respond appropriately. We will discuss this during a combined session. In essence, you’re “keeping your partner in the loop” and showing him or her how to be your cheerleader and support.
Second, if you only attend individual therapy, you may start to believe that “you are the problem” in the relationship, which is not healthy. Conversely, you may decide that your spouse is the real problem because of your one-sided introspection without involving your spouse.
Third, I have found in my experience that individual issues are often exacerbated by a spouse, intentionally or unintentionally. While you may make progress in a session, things fall apart at home when certain triggers set you off.
Couples therapy as a primary strategy
This leads us to the value of couples therapy. In my experience, relationship problems usually go both ways. In my practice, I don’t look for “who’s to blame.” The blame game is a losing strategy in marriage. Sometimes one partner seems to be causing more of the turmoil. However, the other partner usually plays a part in the ongoing marital problems. For this reason, I have found that for most partners, couples therapy is usually the primary strategy, with possibly an occasional individual session – not the other way around.
In couples therapy, we will identify triggers as to why each of you responds the way you do to certain things. Most of the time, these triggers are grounded in painful past experiences. Together, we will work to identify those experiences, which helps build empathy and understanding in the other spouse and engenders a desire to avoid causing hurt by pushing those buttons. We don’t leave it there, though. I help each of you work to diffuse the power those past experiences have over your emotions, helping to eliminate the triggers.
We also go over communication styles, which is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. In couples therapy, I help partners understand each other’s communication needs. We develop effective strategies to improve communication and eliminate hurt feelings and misunderstandings.
Another benefit of couples therapy is helping each spouse recognize the uniqueness of the other and value that difference. Some of those differences may be the cause of disagreements. Couples therapy can, therefore, help develop strategies of acceptance or cooperation.
In a simple example, if one partner is a night person and the other is a morning person, you may find that you are simply not spending enough time together and are drifting apart. We can examine and resolve any strife it may be causing (making noise while the other one is sleeping, for instance) and develop a daily/weekly/monthly plan for you to put other things aside and spend time together doing something you both love – while you’re both awake and alert.
Some problems run deeper than this. However, the number that can be easily resolved with a neutral third-party counselor to help you recognize and identify issues and develop solutions will surprise you. You will find that couples therapy will enhance your relationship, leading to deeper understanding and a stronger partnership. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to see how I can help you.