When we think of ADHD, we usually think of children. However, studies show that, while symptoms may decrease in adulthood, only 15-35% of children with ADHD completely outgrow the full disorder. So if you have a spouse with ADHD symptoms, you are not alone.
In any committed relationship, each person loves the other for who he or she is – both strengths and weaknesses, virtues and flaws. But over time, some personality traits can begin to rub the wrong way. This can be even more true when one spouse has ADHD. In such cases, couples counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be very effective.
ADHD symptoms
People with ADHD exhibit difficulty with “executive function” and self-regulation, which help the brain manage information, make decisions, and plan ahead. This difficulty can vary in degree, but some symptoms may include:
- Forgetfulness, distractedness or hyperfocus, and inability to complete tasks
- Interrupting conversations or abruptly changing subjects
- Not listening or forgetting what was just said
- Difficulty concentrating
- Compulsive behavior or dysregulated emotions
- Difficulty seeing other points of view
- Hyperactivity or lack of motivation
Sometimes depression and anxiety can include some of these behaviors. Therefore, a mental health professional should properly evaluate your spouse to determine the root of the issue. In my counseling practice in New York City, I have found that once we determine the underlying issue, a proper treatment plan can be developed. We can greatly improve or even resolve many issues.
How your spouse’s ADHD affects you
If your spouse is showing symptoms of ADHD, you may feel like you’re parenting your spouse, doing many things for him or her, taking on a heavier load of household chores and responsibilities, and always having to follow up to make sure your spouse has done his/her part.
This can leave you feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, lonely, unappreciated, and even resentful. You may begin to forget why you fell in love with your spouse and begin to overlook all the wonderful traits that your spouse still has, because you’re overwhelmed by the ADHD traits that are making your life more difficult.
You may find yourself doing most things for your spouse, like making appointments and constantly reminding him/her about them, paying the bills, finishing chores your spouse was supposed to do, and even talking to your spouse like a parent to a child.
This can lead to unintended consequences for your spouse, including learned helplessness, becoming dependent on you to do everything, and forgetting or not developing necessary skills every adult should have. In addition, your spouse, who is an adult, may begin to develop resentment towards you, realizing that you’re treating or talking to him/her like a child. This can lead to marital conflict.
What we can do together
An ADHD-affected marriage has the same challenges as any marriage: learning proper communication skills, creating boundaries, defining expectations, learning how to focus on the good, and growing together rather than apart. When the main difficulty is ADHD, I often suggest couples therapy as well as therapy for the ADHD-affected partner to help him or her develop different behavioral patterns and thought processes. This can benefit the non-affected spouse as well, particularly if the problem has been going on for a while and that partner has developed a set of negative thoughts and reactions that need to be unlearned. But couples therapy is always an important part of the healing process.
As you learn better communication methods, discover or rediscover your own unique strengths, and remember what you love in each other, you will strengthen your marriage, put healthy strategies into place, and be able to look forward together with hope and joy.