Yes, it is another year and still no baby. I work with many couples just like you who are struggling with infertility. If you’ve been at this for some time, you are probably sick and tired of doctors, drugs, surgery, and exploring medical options. You’re also sick and tired of nosey questions, well-meaning advice, and yet another baby announcement.
Coping with infertility is not easy, but it is possible. One of the focuses of my practice is infertility counseling, and I have helped couples develop a strong, stable platform from which to face the challenging steps to building a family in the face of infertility.
In order to move forward in a healthy way, you need to learn to manage your emotions in both internal and external ways. By that I mean, both you and those around you may need to make some changes.
Communicate
The first major hurdle is communication. Infertility is not uncommon, and therefore many people are capable of showing great compassion and sensitivity if they know this is something you’re dealing with. So the next time someone says to you, “So, when are you two going to start your family?” you can politely say, “This is a sensitive topic for us and I’d appreciate you not asking. When we have good news, I’ll be sure to let you know.” That should work for most people. For the rude person who doesn’t take the hint, feel free to be blunt.
For friends and family who give well-intentioned advice, your response may change from person to person, depending on how helpful they really are. But if someone, even Mom (and sometimes especially Mom!) keeps asking or suggesting, you may have to be firm.
I can help you develop a strategy for dealing with close relatives without damaging relationships. You need your family for moral support, but that doesn’t give them license. We can work on a strategy to stop the painful comments without cutting them out of your life.
Communicate with your spouse/significant other, too, about what kind of help you need. Do you need a shoulder to cry on? A massage? A shared activity that gets your mind off things? Tell him/her. Your spouse probably also has stress and heartbreak but may cope very differently. Talk about how each of you deals with your stress about infertility and respect each person’s feelings. At my sessions with couples, we discuss ways couples can work together to help each other manage disappointment and move forward with a stronger relationship.
Give yourself boundaries
Just as you’ve instructed others on their boundaries in communicating with you, give yourself boundaries, as well. For instance, you may want to try the “20-minute rule” by limiting yourself to 20 minutes a day of talking about infertility. This can help you turn your mind to other things. And if going to a baby shower is too painful, don’t go. You’re not obligated to do something that causes you emotional pain. Send a congratulatory note and a gift if you can, or ask someone to pick up a gift for you (you can pay them back) and send your best wishes.
Care for yourself
Self-care is a critical part of mental health. Working together, we can find ways to help you relax. I know many people have probably said to you, “Oh, just relax and it will happen.” This can be so painful to hear when you are struggling with infertility that is caused by something other than simple stress. But when you start to take care of yourself, you can at least give yourself some peace as you go through the journey. We will discuss what lifestyle changes may help you during this time.
Look forward
This is your time to take care of yourself and your relationship with your spouse. It’s a difficult time for both of you, but reframing your situation and finding ways to grow closer together can reap great rewards in the long run.
And don’t be afraid to explore non-medical options. Many women and couples have sat in my office adamant that they will not adopt or use a surrogate. But the truth is that just starting to talk or explore the issue can give you peace and a feeling of hope. And sometimes couples find peace and joy in each other and develop a life plan for the two of them that is filled with expectation and satisfaction.
For many couples, talking to a counselor who is expert in the specific needs of infertile couples is just the help they need to move forward in a healthy way. Give me a call to see how I can help.