Bullied as a child? You’re not alone. Many people share your experience. One longitudinal study following more than 1,200 children into adulthood found that about a third of the children experienced bullying. Many of the victims of bullying carried the effects of the experience into their adult years.
Here in my NYC office, I help clients process bullying that they experienced and build the strength to move forward. The experience of childhood bullying can range in intensity, as can the long-term effects. However, it does not always follow that the worst experiences caused the worst problems. We are all different, and we have other life experiences that can ease or exacerbate the wounds of childhood. The good news is that adult survivors of childhood bullying can find the help they need to break free from the effects of these adverse childhood experiences.
Effects of childhood bullying
When children experience bullying, they internalize negative messages about themselves at a very tender age. The presence of other supportive and loving people in their lives can mitigate the negative messaging. However, depending upon their personalities and other life experiences, these negative messages may become embedded long-term and result in health issues and emotional behaviors rooted in these now-subconscious beliefs.
Some health problems that may be rooted in bullying include anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, headaches and migraines, insomnia, poor stress management among others.
People who have been bullied sometimes develop a deep sensitivity towards the sufferings of others. This may be a result of remembering their own feelings from childhood. Others can experience a sense of detachment from their own feelings, perhaps because they felt no one cared about them, or perhaps to protect themselves from more hurt.
Some adult survivors of bullying become disconnected and isolated, not trusting people. Others feel a tremendous need to be liked and to be accepted by others.
Some develop a submissive, passive personality, while others are hypervigilant, ready to defend themselves aggressively (verbally or physically) against any perceived insult or injury.
These behaviors find their roots in a feeling of powerlessness and low self-esteem, messages that the bullies ingrained into your head in childhood. These messages need to be rewired, and these lies need to be dispelled. Doing so will improve your emotional and physical health, improve your relationships, and relieve you from the weight of your childhood trauma.
Becoming free from childhood bullying
Some adult survivors of bullying continue to experience the bullying with the mind and heart of their inner child. In therapy, we work to help you reexamine your past experiences with the mind and heart of an adult. In therapy, we explore your unique history and the various experiences that have impacted your life. This will help you understand the connection between past experiences and your own emotional and physiological responses today.
When you are able to review your childhood experiences, recognize the hurting child who is still experiencing them, and reevaluate them from an adult perspective, you will begin to be able to let go of the grieving and powerless child’s perspective and replace it with the perspective of a healthy adult.
Bullying is a statement on the bully, not on you. As a child, you could not understand that, but as an adult, you can. Allowing the bully to continue to hurt you means they still have power over you, even after all these years. They may be old and lazy now, they may be in prison, or they may have turned into a great person who regrets being mean as a child. Whatever their fate, they have no right to hold power over you anymore.
How therapy can help
Once you begin to uncover your automatic thoughts by recognizing their roots, you can begin to reclaim control over your own emotions, thoughts, reactions, and triggers by rewiring them in healthy ways. This is where cognitive behavioral therapy can be very helpful.
There are a variety of techniques that can help you positively retrain your automatic thoughts and reactions. We will customize them to what works best for you. These include relaxation exercises, mindfulness homework, self-talk practices, positive thinking, and journaling, to name a few.
Reframing your core beliefs about yourself based on the reality of your self-worth will help you change old habits of thought, develop a healthy self-love, and build self-confidence. On this strong foundation, you can strengthen relationships and empower yourself to navigate your future towards success and inner peace. Find a good therapist near you to help you reach your true potential. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help.