You and your spouse are different people and you’re bound to have differences in your marriage. Resolving them doesn’t have to be painful. “Fighting fair” means resolving your differences without damaging your relationship. In fact, if done well, it can even strengthen your bond and help you grow closer.
Key Factors of Fighting Fair
- Remember you’re on the same team. Be agreeable when you disagree.
- Never fight in front of the children or in public. And don’t drag family or friends into the argument or complain to them about your spouse. Having a few people to turn to for support is not the same as complaining about your spouse and sharing intimate private information. Your loyalty should be to your partner first.
- No ambushing. You’ve probably been thinking about this issue for a while, but your spouse may not have. Saying “we need to talk right now!” is an ambush. Rather, tell your spouse that you’d like to discuss X and arrange a good time. Give it a time limit, especially if it’s a problem that is not easily resolved. Taking multiple steps to solve an issue can often be the best approach in order to reach a long-term solution.
- Treat each other with respect. No yelling, name-calling, or personal attacks of any kind. If that starts happening, walk away. Agree ahead of time that if either of you starts to get heated, you’ll take a break.
- Stick to the point when you’re having a disagreement. Avoid getting sidetracked or bringing in other disagreements. You might even want to write down the main point you’re discussing and point to it when the discussion veers off course. If a different issue comes up that needs discussion, write it down to talk about another time.
- Watch your tone. Research indicates that the majority of our communication is in our tone of voice and our body language, not our words. A harmless word said with a sarcastic tone can feel like a dagger in someone’s heart.
- Listen, seeking to really understand. Clarify with phrases like “so, what you’re saying is,” or “correct me if I’m wrong – your point is…”
- Try not to get defensive. Assume the best intentions of your spouse. If a comment stings, say so and ask for a correction. “You know, the way you said that really hurt. Would you consider rephrasing it?”
- Make repair attempts along the way – i.e., throughout the discussion, do things to strengthen your relationship. Choose an open and connected body language, maybe leaning on each other. Bring into the conversation a shared private joke that fits the moment. Smile when appropriate.
- Apologize. If you’ve been fighting fair, you won’t need to apologize for anything, but let’s be honest. In an argument, we sometimes mess up. Apologize immediately, retract, and try again.
- Don’t mirror unfair fighting. If your partner pulls any of these stunts, don’t do it back. Maintain the high ground, but avoid acting “superior” – that’s another form of unfair fighting.
When to “fight” and when to let it go
In reality, “fighting fair” isn’t really fighting. It’s working through a problem as a team. That said, sometimes you’ll have to decide what’s worth arguing about and what’s not. Some arguments recur because you haven’t really discussed them using these fair-fighting principles. Others recur because they don’t really have a resolution. Unless the issue is severely damaging to your marriage or someone’s health, some issues should just be let go.
If a particular issue consistently causes you or your spouse to get highly emotional or to withdraw emotionally, it could be a sign of a deeper issue. Consider reaching out to a trained marriage counselor to help you or your partner work through this problem and discover peace.