The word “boundary” seems to have a negative connotation – a boundary prevents me from going someplace; it limits me. But if that boundary was a tall fence that keeps you from stepping off a steep cliff, you would be very glad it’s there! So it is with marriage boundaries. As a marriage counselor in New York City, I have witnessed the difficulties that develop in marriage when couples don’t respect each other’s boundaries. A healthy marriage can be restored, but every couple should strive to set personal boundaries from the outset in order to remain strong – and avoid stepping off that cliff.
What are boundaries?
Boundaries are preferences, agreed behaviors, and no-go areas in a relationship. You don’t have to call them boundaries. In fact, you have probably already established some without realizing it. For instance, if you’ve asked your spouse not to look at his or her phone during your together-time, you have established a boundary – no technology during intimate moments. You didn’t have to call it a boundary in order to make that agreement. And that’s the key word – agreement.
A boundary is something you both agree on in your relationship that can help you grow stronger as a couple and as individuals. But because you are a couple, you need to agree on them, or one spouse may have a tendency to cross the boundary, which is where trouble can begin.
Communicating boundaries
The boundaries of one couple or one individual may be different from another couple or individual. In my example above, some couples may enjoy cuddling, looking at their social media together, and sharing what each other is seeing. Another couple may think that takes away from together time. The challenge is when one person wants to cuddle while focusing on social media while the other wants to cuddle while focusing on each other. That’s when communication comes into play.
Communication between spouses must be robust and respectful at the same time. Saying “You prefer that phone over me!” is not a good way to begin a conversation on the topic. Saying something along the lines of, “Honey, I really want us to focus on each other without technology when we are together” is a much healthier way to begin the conversation.
Clear communication is critical in order to prevent hurt feelings, which can bottle up and lead to resentment if a spouse feels like his or her unspoken (or unclearly spoken) boundaries are repeatedly crossed. Be prepared for a real conversation. Your spouse may say, “Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize it bothered you.” You can simply state, then, “Let’s make it a plan that when we are having our quiet time together at the end of the day, for at least a half hour, we look at no technology and focus on each other.” That’s a clear boundary.
On the other hand, your spouse may push back. “I haven’t gotten to look at my phone all day. It helps me relax and unwind.” Or “Why does it bother you so much? I’m here, aren’t I?” Depending on how it’s said, these could be hurtful. Try not to respond with anger or clam up with resentment. Explain why it bothers you. Ask how you two can arrange things so that your spouse can have time to look at social media and you have time for his or her full attention. Quality time together will strengthen your relationship, so it’s worth the effort.
If you have difficulty with this kind of healthy communication, an experienced marriage counselor can help teach you both healthy communication techniques, which are crucial for a healthy marriage.
Some healthy boundaries
Your boundaries or relationship preferences may be very different from other people’s. One boundary that every healthy relationship must have is no physical abuse or emotional manipulation. You do not have to stay in a relationship where you are being abused. Get away from physical abuse as soon as possible. Emotional abuse can sometimes be unintentional, but the abuser probably is dealing with issues and probably needs professional help. Protect yourself from emotional abuse, even if you decide to try to work on the marriage.
Besides these obvious non-negotiable boundaries, here are a few others that you may want to discuss with your spouse. Again, you don’t have to think of them as boundaries. They are how your relationship is arranged in order for you both to be happy, together and apart.
- Privacy – Some couples use the bathroom together, others don’t. Some couples have access to each other’s social media or computer files, others don’t. Discuss your preferences.
- Time – Do you or your spouse need some downtime, alone time, friend time, cuddle time? Talk it out.
- Space – Do you want a personal space to escape to when you need to unwind? Someplace to do your hobby? Emotional space to work things out on your own?
- Intimacy – This may include non-sexual cuddling as well as your sex life. Boundaries are important here because neither spouse should feel like a sex toy nor feel ignored and undesired. You are meant to complement each other and bring each other comfort, not to feel used or rejected by one extreme or another.
- Outside influences – Your marriage is more important than any friend, relative, or hobby.
- Finances – Discuss spending preferences so that you agree with the uses of funds. Each of you could have a “play fund” where a certain amount of your money is set aside for your hobbies or purchases, thus avoiding arguments over expenses.
Take some time to talk with your spouse about any boundaries you think would benefit your marriage, and if you need help, contact an experienced marriage counselor.