Our life experiences have a tremendous impact on our growth as individuals. This is why sometimes couples who are together for many years find that they are very different people than they were when their relationship first began. The way to keep your relationship strong is not to avoid changing but to change together.
Signs of growing apart
It’s not uncommon for couples to feel like they’re drifting apart. The good news is, growing together again is usually easy to do, and enjoyable when both of you want it.
If you begin to sense any of these signs, it may be time to discuss them with your spouse or partner:
- You feel like you don’t have much in common to talk about (except maybe the kids or housework)
- You don’t seem to listen to each other or understand each other
- Intimacy, either physical or emotional, seems to be waning
- You don’t feel comfortable sharing your deepest feelings
- You just don’t spend a lot of time together
If you have noticed any of these warning signs, chances are your partner has, too.
Discussing your concerns
The reason you are growing apart is that you don’t have enough shared experiences (outside of the house and home) in which you can grow together. The simple remedy is to create those shared experiences.
In my practice, I’ve found that the best time for couples to begin the discussion is when they are having a pleasant moment together. If pleasant moments together are rare, you may have to arrange one.
When both of you are enjoying yourselves, you can point out how nice it is and how you’d like to do it more often. To your surprise, your spouse might say something like, “I’d love to! But we always seem to be so busy!” That might be an insight that your partner has also been longing for more time together and maybe didn’t know how to bring it up.
Share with your partner what you’ve been feeling, but be careful not to place blame. Saying “You’re always hanging out with your friends” is blaming. Saying “I’d really like to spend more time with you and do some fun things together” is a positive and constructive statement. Try not to get defensive if your spouse starts blaming you – hurt feelings may present themselves. Think of it as a sign that your spouse wants the same thing as you do and talk about how things can be different in the future.
Growing together as a couple
Research has shown that happy marriages have long-term physical and mental health benefits. People are twice as likely to report being happy when they are with their spouses than when apart, and activities done together seem more meaningful. Happy marriages positively affect you and those around you, so it’s worth the effort to strengthen your bond.
The first step to strengthening your relationship is to find shared interests, whether they be fun outings, such as sporting events or the theater, or service projects, such as cleaning a city park or working at a food pantry. These shared experiences will give you opportunities to grow in the same direction. You’ll have fun together, have things to talk about together, and develop a sense of purpose together. These shared experiences will also provide opportunities for growth in emotional intimacy.
You don’t have to do everything together, of course. Encouraging each other in individual pursuits and praising each other helps you each to grow in different areas of interest and feel appreciated and loved by the other. By showing appreciation and interest, even these separate activities can help you grow together.
If you have been pursuing hobbies separately, it’s time to find ways to include your spouse and to show interest in what each other loves about that hobby. Let’s use the example of a spouse who loves to play golf while the other loves to paint.
If you’re the painter, you could try to understand what makes your partner love golf so much. Maybe try swinging a club and discover how much skill it really takes! How about creating a golf-related painting to give your spouse as a gift? Maybe go to the golf course together sometime and you paint the course while your spouse golfs.
If you’re the golf-lover, ask your spouse questions about what makes something art or what he or she loves about painting. Try to see what your partner sees, and praise your partner’s work. Maybe go to an art exhibit together and let your spouse teach you something about the artist.
These are just a couple of examples of how you can use each other’s interests as a springboard for togetherness.
Growing together again can be fun and exciting, but it can feel awkward in the beginning. If you are growing apart and you’re not sure where to start, couples counseling can be a great way to get a jumpstart. Find an experienced couples counselor in your area to help you get started on your journey to strengthening your bond. If you’re in the New York City area, give me a call to see how I can help you.