When you find yourself on the defensive at work because of the behavior of a co-worker, try not to respond in kind or make major decisions in the moment. Take some time to evaluate before deciding your strategy for dealing with the situation. Depending on what’s going on, it might be helpful to go over everything with a trained counselor to help you assess its real source so that you can react accordingly.
Why are people mean?
It’s important to distinguish between unintentional and intentional meanness because they are handled very differently. Just as every person is different, so are their causes and motivations, but it is often possible to make some broad assessments in order to create a plan for neutralizing the behavior’s effect on you.
Let’s first clarify what we’re NOT talking about; we’re not referring to any physical meanness that involves your body or your personal space. No one should ever touch you without your consent, and that behavior should be reported immediately. If you see someone taking your things or damaging your property, that must also be reported.
By “meanness” or “being mean” we mean verbal unkindness in many forms. I’m sure you remember as a child complaining to your parents or teacher that “so-n-so is being soooo mean!” I remember it! Meanness is childish behavior that occurs when someone doesn’t get his or her way or doesn’t know how to cope with the events in his or her life. This can lead to both unintentional and intentional meanness.
Unintentional meanness
When you perceive someone has been mean to you, in some cases, it may be an innocent misunderstanding. Someone may not have adequate training or awareness of office procedures or office culture and may do something that seems like meanness but is actually just ignorance.
Others may come off as mean because of things happening in their own lives. A person with a terrible headache may be frowning and snapping out of pain. The person may also have personal problems of which you are unaware – a sick child or parent, marital strain, unstable housing – which could be causing the negative behavior.
People under this kind of pressure may not notice that they’re coming off mean; then again, they may. Such behavior could be a way of pushing others away while they are in emotional pain. Lashing out at others may also release some anger or pain they are feeling as they unburden themselves upon someone else.
This behavior is certainly not acceptable, but it should engender in us some compassion. Assuming that the person’s behavior is not about you but is caused by their own personal problems can help prevent you from personalizing or internalizing the bad behavior as a statement about your value and worth as a human being or as an employee.
Intentional meanness
Intentional meanness may also come from a place of pain on the part of the mean person; actually, mean people are always in pain in some way, though they may not realize it.
Some people are mean because they feel threatened by you. If you are better at your job, more attractive, more popular, or have a better family life – whatever the mean person perceives as better – you could become an object of attack. These people have low self-esteem or unhappy lives and can become jealous of others whom they perceive as better off. You won’t always realize this right away, but after a while, you may pick up clues that will help you realize that the person’s behavior is a reflection on her, and not on you.
Others may lash out when things go poorly on a project at work, trying to find a scapegoat to blame. If you are caught in the crosshairs of someone’s attack, your quality of work and your professionalism will be criticized. This can cause tremendous strain and require you to defend yourself with ample evidence of your quality of work or your qualifications. If, however, that person is not in a position of authority and most people do not believe the person’s words, you could just ignore the person’s behavior or quietly mention it to a supervisor.
The most significant meanness is rooted in maliciousness, mental illness, or psychopathy. This behavior can often be subtle, especially with psychopaths and narcissists, who know how to manipulate people and create a group of supporters to stand with them against the victim. Whispering, gossiping, gaslighting, using racial slurs, controlling, and manipulating – these behaviors go beyond petty meanness and rise to the level of workplace harassment, bullying, and abuse. Do not allow this behavior to continue without reporting it to authorities within your workplace.
Why we react the way we do to meanness
Negativity tends to generate attention. This is a survival mechanism. We are less likely to make a mental note of the basic human decency all around us because we expect people to behave that way. But when someone treats us poorly, we notice. This is because bad behavior is potentially dangerous. We should notice it. But one of the best ways to lessen its impact on our emotions is to begin to notice all the kindness around us, too.
If you need help evaluating the type of office meanness you may be dealing with and developing a strategy to neutralize its effect on you, contact an experienced counselor near you. If you are in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help you.