When your spouse or life partner is struggling with depression, your relationship will be affected, and you may have to take some proactive steps to secure your relationship as well as protect your own mental health during this time.
Signs that your partner is experiencing depression include changes in behavior, such as increased irritability or weepiness; withdrawal from you or from activities he or she used to enjoy; sleepiness, lethargy, insomnia; low motivation; substance abuse; and expressing feelings of worthlessness or failure. Sometimes a depressed person may make rash life decisions in order to escape from those feelings, such as quitting a job or having an affair.
People with depression often don’t notice right away that their feelings or behaviors are the result of depression. Loved ones such as a spouse are often the first to notice and suggest that is the underlying issue. But this must be done cautiously and sensitively. Unfortunately, a depressed person’s behavior can hurt his or her partner deeply before the partner begins to suspect depression.
How to help your depressed partner
If you have been hurt by your partner’s behavior but you’re now thinking it is caused by depression, take a step back. Try to reframe all those hurtful behaviors as caused by a mental health condition. This could help you switch emotionally from a place of hurt to a place of compassion. Depression is rarely the result of a person’s choices. It is usually bio-chemical or caused by deep-seated life experiences that started long before you and your partner met. Your partner’s depression is not your fault, and you should not allow yourself to blame yourself in any way.
Sometimes, the best thing to do for starters is to just listen. Let your partner cry or rant about what is bothering him or her. Suggest talking while walking outside in the fresh air. Exercise has been proven to be as effective as medication for mild to moderate depression. If that’s not possible, go to a gym together or use exercise machines in your home. By exercising while talking, your partner may actually find those feelings dissipate, even in the midst of expressing them.
If your spouse is being unfair or unkind to you, try not to respond with anger or resentment, but firmly tell them that you do not appreciate the treatment. If this is happening, I encourage you to reach out to a counselor or therapist experienced in dealing with both depression and couples counseling. Encouraging your partner to seek counseling would be ideal. Your partner may be more willing to attend couples counseling than therapy for depression, but in the process of couples counseling, your partner may begin to recognize this underlying cause. Couples counseling is a gentle way to help yourself, your relationship, and your partner, all at the same time.
Try to continue to do the things that you used to enjoy together. Although it will be difficult to get past the lethargy and lack of motivation, your partner will probably enjoy it once you’re doing it and will probably thank you afterward. Having many enjoyable moments in the day or week can help push out those negative feelings and replace them with positive ones.
Self-care is critical
When your partner is depressed, you may feel yourself becoming depressed, too. While it may not be true clinical depression, it is certainly difficult to watch the one you love suffer, especially if that suffering affects your relationship. Make it a priority to protect your own mental health.
As previously stated, do not blame yourself in any way or allow anyone else to blame you. And just as your spouse needs many positive, happy experiences, so do you. Do things that you enjoy, whether engaging in a hobby, pampering yourself, or hanging out with friends. Keep eating a healthy diet, exercising, and getting plenty of quality sleep. Put your mental and physical health first so that you will be strong enough to help your partner.
Getting help
Most people do need some help from a counselor or therapist to break out of the grip of depression. Find a mental health professional in your area experienced in both depression and couples therapy. If you’re in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help.
If you’re having trouble knowing how to talk to your partner or how to maintain your own equilibrium in the midst of your partner’s depression, you might want to come in and learn how to manage your experience while talking honestly to your partner. Don’t try to go it alone. Even just a few sessions can make a world of difference for both of you.