In my years of experience counseling couples to strengthen healthy relationships and heal troubled ones, I have found that it is very helpful for couples to have both individual and relationship goals. But an even deeper need is for a couple to have shared meaning, which should be the ultimate goal of all their other goals.
The challenge arises when the partners disagree but they don’t know how to discuss their differences and come to a healthy consensus. If you are struggling with this, an experienced couples therapist can help you set healthy goals and find that shared meaning.
The difference between individual and shared goals
Goals give you a roadmap to follow through life. It’s healthy to have individual goals as well as goals for your relationship. However, it’s important to set them congruently so that they support and enhance each other. This is the best way to find shared meaning in life and increase your own personal happiness and your satisfaction as a couple.
Individual goals refer to your development as an individual, such as your career, hobbies, personal development, health, and wellness.
Shared goals can refer to goals that focus on your relationship as well as more tangible goals about your future life together. Relationship goals may emphasize improving communication, spending time together, building shared interests, and increasing intimacy and affection. Tangible goals may include your plans for growing your family, buying a home, or making long-term financial plans.
It’s important for couples to balance their individual goals with their shared goals so that they do not conflict. Couples can also disagree on shared goals – the level of intimacy, the size of the family, and the pursuit of wealth are common differences that I have helped couples navigate.
Finding consensus
The first step in defining your goals is to discuss them. Make it fun! Plan a special evening, a day at the park, or a romantic overnight stay in order to begin the discussion with the right tone. Each of you should think about things beforehand to be ready to share in your mutual brainstorming session. In preparation, ask yourselves questions about your personal goals, like:
- What dreams do you have for yourself?
- What steps would you like to take to improve your physical and emotional well-being?
- Is there anything you’d really like to do or any place you’d like to go?
- Do you have career goals you’d like to attain?
Each of you should also ask yourselves about relational and tangible goals for you as a couple:
- Would you like to have regularly scheduled time together?
- Do you want nightly technology-free time, and focus on each other or on the children?
- Would you like to grow your family?
- Do you want more intimacy or displays of affection?
- Do you want to improve your communications?
- How can you foster more teamwork around household chores or childcare?
Remember that this time together is not about rehashing problems. If you do have some issues, it might be good to leave the more contentious differences to later or work them out with a counselor. Just start with the goals that you can both agree on. As you strengthen your relationship by applying those shared goals, you can talk again about a few others.
Usually, as couples develop their relational or shared goals, they begin to find shared meaning. That meaning could be found in a shared hobby or activity or in service to a family or important cause. Couples who find this shared meaning are happier together, have more personal satisfaction, and find it easier to communicate and compromise.
Learning these skills and finding shared meaning takes time and can be challenging. For some people, couples therapy can be a great resource. I work with couples as a neutral party to help them develop the core skills of communication and compromise. I guide my clients in learning the art of the “soft startup,” gentle and respectful ways to begin difficult conversations. Furthermore, I help them align their goals in a shared vision that also allows each person to express his or her own individuality and pursue personal goals.
Reach out to a couples therapist near you to help strengthen and grow your bond of love and develop your shared meaning. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help you.