You’re fighting all the time – or worse, you’re not communicating at all. Has there has been a breach of trust or a loss of respect? You wonder if it’s possible to save your marriage, or if it’s even worth trying. You wonder if you are headed for divorce.
In my experience as a marriage counselor in New York City, I would say “yes, it’s worth trying.” You have committed yourself to each other and that commitment means something. You got married because you loved each other. You’ve built a world together, maybe with children, shared friends, shared property, shared experiences. It’s worth trying to save all that. It’s worth trying because you want to be able to look back and say to yourself, “I tried everything I could to make it work”.
How can an appointment with me help?
In my couples therapy sessions, we will explore the unique patterns that you and your spouse engage in. We’ll work to uncover hidden motivations and develop new methods of communication. We will examine what is wrong in your relationship and what is right, your strengths and weaknesses, communication styles, and each one’s goals and priorities, among other important topics.
Renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, discovered four patterns that he called “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” because they forewarned marital problems. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (the silent treatment). In my experience as a counselor, I have seen many of those same patterns in troubled marriages. The good news is that many couples are able to find ways to modify these habits to create more functional and beneficial outcomes.
Most problems in marriage stem from patterns of thought that we have developed over time, usually from experiences in our early years. You don’t have to have experienced serious trauma in order to carry “baggage.” It could even be a positive life experience that is at odds with your spouse. For instance, if you grew up in a very neat, orderly home, sloppiness may drive you nuts. This may cause you to lose respect for your spouse, thinking he or she is a “slob.” This is a form of contempt. Maybe you were criticized a lot when you were younger and now any perceived criticism from your spouse results in an angry, defensive response.
These are the kinds of underlying causes that we can bring to light. In my experience, once a person knows why he or she is behaving in such a way, the person is empowered to behave differently. Being aware of what you are doing enables you to make conscious rather than reactive choices in your relationship.
In my practice, I focus on psychodynamic therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. When necessary, I draw those disciplines into my couples counseling sessions. Psychodynamic therapy focuses on a deep understanding of your unique history of thoughts, relationships, and behavior patterns to help gain insight into how or why you behave as you do. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a more concrete approach, helping a person to make changes in one’s life through positive thinking and self-talk, mindfulness, and other practical approaches. Both of these aspects can be well-suited to finding the underlying causes of disagreements and developing new, healthy relationship patterns to heal your marriage.
If you’re in the New York City area and would like to explore how to begin healing your marriage, reach out to me. You don’t have to be on the verge of divorce. In fact, the sooner you start working on your marriage the better. If you want to strengthen your marriage, therapy may be able to help.