As a psychotherapist in New York City, I help individuals, couples, and those struggling with infertility with their psychological or emotional challenges. My orientation is in both cognitive behavioral and psychodynamic practices, which help foster a safe and secure environment while my clients develop self-awareness and the motivation to make changes. I have found that these methods are successful for many people. But there is more to a good therapist than his or her expertise and methods. In order for you to experience the most benefit from your therapy, you need the right fit of the therapist’s skills, your particular needs, and how you work together.
Signs that the therapist is right for you
In a nutshell, your therapist is right for you if you feel comfortable and you are seeing improvement. Of course, it often takes a little while to see noticeable improvement. However, after a few sessions, some progress should be taking place, if not in feeling better then at least in starting to understand what is behind the issues that are fueling your emotional or mental distress.
Some signs that you and your therapist are a good match are:
- You feel comfortable being fully honest with your therapist
- You feel fully accepted, not judged
- The challenges that your therapist may suggest to you, even though difficult, seem to make sense and are appropriate
- The goals of the suggestions or challenges are explained, not dictated without being clarified
- Your therapist is not giving excessive advice but rather is helping to guide you in finding the root causes and helping you find your own answers and develop helpful strategies
- You are seeing improvement or can see how the process will soon lead to improvement
These are all good signs that your therapist is a good fit for you in your healing and growth process.
Signs that it’s time for a change
When you begin with a new therapist, allow for a brief breaking-in period as you come to understand each other. Your therapist can use this time to evaluate what methods may help you best. You likely came to your first session with questions and expectations. Hopefully, your therapist took time to interview you, get a foundational understanding of you and what you may need, and explain to you his or her methods. If you did not take these steps at the beginning, you might quickly discover that your therapist is not a good fit.
Sometimes, even if you’ve been working with a therapist for a while and all has gone well, a time may come to make a change. Some signs that it may be time to find another therapist may be:
- You feel dissatisfied or discouraged, or you consistently leave therapy sessions feeling worse
- You feel misunderstood, bored, unchallenged, or “not being heard”
- You don’t see any improvement at all, or perhaps you did see improvement before but things have stalled
- Your personalities don’t “click” or you don’t feel comfortable or safe
- Your therapist is doing too much talking or is sharing too much personal information
- Your therapist is telling you what to do, rather than guiding you to find the answers yourself so that the change comes from within
- You are becoming too dependent on the therapist, feeling like you can’t live without him or her
- The therapist does not have the expertise you need
- What worked before doesn’t work now since you have progressed and your therapist doesn’t have a broad enough “toolbox” to find the right tool to help you in this next phase
If you are only just beginning to feel like things aren’t working, speak up. Advocate for yourself. Let your therapist know how you’re feeling and give him or her a chance to make adjustments. There is much to be said for maintaining a long-standing relationship with someone who has helped you up until now. However, sometimes it is just time to move on.
How to make a switch
A good therapist can tell when a client is not benefitting from his or her help. At that time, they should recommend a switch. But sometimes you need to take the initiative.
Unless you feel unsafe with the counselor, don’t just cancel future appointments and go elsewhere. Tell your therapist that you feel like you have reached an end to how he or she can help you and now you would like to explore other avenues. Thank them for the work they have done up to now (even if it was just a few sessions). It is reasonable to say “I just don’t think it’s a good fit” or “I want to look into a different approach.” A good therapist will understand and encourage you in your next phase.
If you are looking for a new therapist and you are in the New York City area, give me a call. I spend time in the first session getting to know my clients and helping them know me so that we can make sure it’s a good fit from the start.