It’s normal and healthy for you and your spouse or partner to have different views and disagreements. After all, you’re individuals. Differences can often fill in gaps in each other’s nature. This is why we often hear the old adage “opposites attract.”
How many couples do you know in which one is chatty and the other quiet? One is a little high-strung and the other is very mellow? One seems extroverted and the other introverted? We see it all the time in couples because the partners balance each other well and help each other develop a little of each other’s characteristics.
But these differences can also cause friction in the relationship. Conflicts come in different forms with different root causes. In minor disagreements, compromise is easy. But if your differences are based on core values and neither will compromise, chances are unlikely that the issue will continue to be problematic.
Core values in a romantic relationship usually revolve around children, religion, moral beliefs, and intimacy. Compromising on one of these often creates resentment in the long run. As a couples therapist, I have helped couples find ways to strengthen their relationships without compromising these fundamental values, but it is challenging and requires focused work.
That said, most other issues can be resolved or at least improved with respectful communication.
Resolving differences
The first step in finding a solution is to start with gratitude and appreciation. Remember that you and your partner agree on many things. Focus on his or her admirable qualities. Assume that your partner has good intentions that you need to understand in order to address the situation productively.
Ask your partner for a good time to talk to resolve the issue. Don’t just dive in. If you both decide on a future discussion time, you can each think through your position and any potential compromises ahead of time. Ask in an affirming way, so your partner knows it won’t be a “nag session.”
As the saying goes, “Be curious, not furious.” Try to see your partner’s point of view. Seek common ground. Even when on the surface it seems as if you strongly disagree, you are likely to find areas of overlap when you take the time to talk things out. This is where compromise and mutual respect can take root.
An example: Differences regarding the pandemic
The Covid-19 pandemic has caused many conflicts with couples who hold very different views on the subject. I have seen married couples in which one spouse is very concerned and takes extensive precautions to keep the family safe while the other sees the illness as nothing more than another type of cold or flu. One spouse is ready to get every shot and booster and give them to the kids while the other thinks natural immunity is better and is very concerned about putting pharmaceuticals into the body, especially in children. One spouse believes and trusts the government and mainstream news while the other is very distrusting and believes it’s all about money and government control.
These differences are very real and they can be very heated because they come from our core values. But I have found over and over that both spouses are concerned about the welfare of the whole family. That is where the two very different views overlap, and this is where mutual respect and appreciation can grow and common ground can be found.
The first step would be for you to remind yourself that you love your spouse and your spouse has many positive qualities. You have come to agreements before and you can again. Approach your spouse and express these feelings first. You can say something like, “Honey, I know we’ve been disagreeing lately about the pandemic. I don’t want our relationship to be hurt by this disagreement, because I know you have our best interests at heart, as do I. We are just coming at things differently. But the conflict isn’t good for us or the kids, so when can we talk it out, hear out each other’s positions in a calm way, and try to come to some resolution?”
The reaction may be knee-jerk: “We’ve talked about this enough already. I’m not going to wear a mask everywhere (or whatever).” Calmly and respectfully reply with a suggestion that while the two of you have disagreed before, you haven’t really discussed the issue. This conversation would be different. It would be intended to really understand the root of why each feels the way you do, to help the other understand.
On extremely heated issues such as this, it can help to have a neutral third party present, such as a trained couples therapist. But if your spouse sees that you respect and want to understand his or her position, this will usually break down barriers and real progress can be made.
In the case of Covid, discuss “what ifs.” What if one of the kids gets sick? What if one of you comes in contact with an infected person? Planning ahead can avoid conflicts when the events occur.
Be prepared to make a compromise. Neither of you is likely to completely change your mind after the discussion, but if you can understand each other better and appreciate that you’re both acting out of love and a desire to protect the family, some middle-ground should be possible.
This strategy can be used successfully for most disagreements. In some cases, however, you may have to live with your differences and allow them to “normalize.” You know you’ll always disagree on that issue, and it’s ok. Allow your love to be more important than your disagreements. If you need help with this, give me a call to see how I can help you reach the point of putting your relationship above your differences.