The holidays are traditionally an opportunity to spend time with family and loved ones. They are a time for enjoying each other’s company with good food and warm feelings of love and joy. But sometimes those feelings are not so warm. Many people feel stress during the holidays, often from being stretched too thin or from problems with relationships. Whatever causes your stress, setting boundaries will help you enjoy the holidays without undue discomfort.
Recognizing your stressors
Your stressors could be major issues in your life. For instance, maybe you’re dealing with infertility, and you just know Aunt Sally is going to quiz you about when a baby is coming. Or maybe you just broke up with your significant other and Mom and Dad are going to point out that you’re the only one who isn’t married yet. Perhaps your political or religious views are different from some of your family members, and you don’t want to discuss these topics at a party.
Your stressors may involve what is expected of you. Maybe you don’t want to sleep on an air mattress in the living room. Or perhaps you don’t want to be expected to bring several dishes. Maybe some family parties are too far away, cost too much to travel to, or tend to go on for longer than you like.
You may love all your family very much and have no issues with anyone, but you’re an introvert by nature and can only handle crowds for a limited time.
Once you’ve determined what situations or expectations cause you to stress, think about how you can manage them. Think, too, about what you would like your holiday season to look like.
Planning to manage your stressors
If there is a topic that you want to avoid, make it known. If you have to call a couple of key people to tell them, do it. It’s also helpful to have an ally on your side who will help deflect the conversation. If Aunt Sally didn’t get the memo and she asks about having a baby, your ally can chirp up with a comment such as, “Well, I think that’s a pretty personal question for a public party, Aunt Sally. And by the way, how is Cousin Jack doing in his new job?”
Give yourself permission to walk away from conversations you don’t like. If you’re not directly involved in the conversation they may not notice. However, if you’re part of the conversation, be polite but firm about your decision to end the discussion.
If you cannot or do not want to attend a given party, let the host know clearly. Avoid ambiguous statements like, “I don’t think we can make it.” Say instead, “Unfortunately, we won’t be able to make it this year. I hope to see you another time soon.” This goes also for expectations. If the host expects you to bring a casserole, a side dish, a homemade pie, and a platter of homemade cookies, state simply, “I don’t have time to make all of those. I will bring a casserole and a store-bought pie.”
If you need time to yourself during the party, plan to escape to another room for a nap or to read a good book for a little while. Let the host know ahead of time that you have the need to “recharge your batteries” and ask where you could rest for a bit. Taking a walk can also make you feel better if it’s not too cold where you are. It will help you digest your food, clear your head, and increase serotonin, those “happy hormones” in your brain.
To avoid disappointment, don’t set your expectations too high. Other people have their stressors, too, and they may not manage them as well as you do. Enter into your family parties with a degree of leniency and humor. Then, when people show their own quirks, you can laugh off a few things without getting upset.
Making the holiday that will bring you joy
While you’re planning to avoid what you don’t want to happen, plan something that you do want to happen. Schedule some “me time” in the midst of the frenzy of the season. If an invitation arises that conflicts with your plans, say no – unless it’s something you really want to do. In this case, move your “me time,” but don’t skip it.
Arranging some activities for yourself will benefit your mental health significantly, but take care of your physical health, as well. We tend to eat a less healthful diet during the Christmas and New Year season, with lots of cookies, candy, hot cocoa, and other sweets. Sugar has a negative effect on mental health and it can weaken our immune systems, just when cold and flu season is at its height. To stay healthy, limit your sugar intake. Talk to a nutritional expert about supplements or foods that can keep your immune system and mental health in tip-top shape.
If you’re having trouble defining your boundaries or getting buy-in from family, we can work together to establish the patterns that aren’t working. I can help you find the words to advocate for yourself in a way that doesn’t cause even more stress. Call me to see how I can help.