When You are Fighting all the Time

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Marriages, like all relationships, take work.  Over time many problems can be worked out if you both recognize there is a problem and both want to work on it.  As a relationship therapist in NYC, I help couples when they are struggling by working closely with them as individuals and as a couple to get them back on track.  Marriage counselors can help both partners get to the heart of the issues by uncovering the tools necessary to solve problems.

A good first step is to book an appointment with an experienced relationship counselor.  As you contemplate this, here are a few first steps to try.

  1. Realize that this is normal.  All relationships have conflict.
  2. Acknowledge that you need some help to move past this. If your partner does not agree then you can come in for a session by yourself.  Sometimes just having one of you start the process can make a huge difference.
  3. Take a big time out.  This can save you both from saying things out of anger that you really do not mean.  Sometimes the best thing for you to do is remove yourself physically from your environment, which is a good temporary solution.  Just taking a walk around the block can bring relief. Remember to let your partner know that you will be back.
  4. If you think you can start to talk (without fighting) then you and your partner could try communicating.  Give each other interrupted time to say what is on their mind.  This can work well if you both prepare to remain calm and you stay on the subject.
  5. Do not further aggravate the situation.  If your spouse does not get along with your parents, then during this time don’t make him/her go to dinner with your folks.  If money is an issue then don’t make your spouse feel shame because he/she does not have a high paying job.

Sometimes the topic of the argument isn’t the problem at all and there is a deeper issue that needs to be addressed.  Couples therapy can help you dig to get to those core issues and then build a stronger relationship by working through each of them.

When I work with couples in my NYC office I see the transformation in couples who are willing to work hard as we progress through sessions.   Men and women come into my office often feeling disconnected from each other and together we work to try and build a much healthier marriage and relationship.

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