No one is perfect, and sometimes you’re going to make mistakes that hurt others. When you offend your spouse or partner, you’ve hurt one of the most important people in your life. An apology is in order, but many people don’t quite know how to apologize effectively.
What an apology is not
Many people have trouble admitting they were wrong. Other times, we may think we were right and our loved one took it wrong. In these cases, we may come out with these common one-liners:
- I’m sorry you feel that way.
- If I’ve offended you, I’m sorry.
- I’m sorry I used that tone/those words.
These might actually be true statements. Perhaps what you said was valid, but you said it rudely. So you are adequately apologizing for your tone, but not your message. You and your spouse might sincerely disagree on something and you regret that he or she feels differently. But you’re not sorry for your opinion, so it’s not really an apology.
If this is the case, the two of you need to work out your differences until neither of you feels hurt by the other one’s position or opinion. It’s not something to be ignored. Conflict resolution is a skill that must be learned, especially in a romantic relationship. As a psychotherapist and couples counselor in New York City, I have helped many couples find a way to communicate in an atmosphere of trust and respect in order to resolve differences and move forward.
What an apology is
A true apology is recognizing that you have been wrong, acknowledging the hurt, showing remorse, and making atonement. All those steps are necessary. An apology is not saying, “Sorry, but…” If you qualify your statement or make excuses, you’re not admitting your mistake, and thus not apologizing.
When you’ve done something accidentally that has hurt your spouse’s feelings, apologize as soon as you discover your mistake. Take ownership, even though it was accidental. Don’t assume that because it was an accident, your partner should be able to accept a simple “Sorry!” as a sufficient sign of regret. Let’s go through the steps.
“Honey, I’m sorry I said _______________. I wasn’t thinking about your feelings when I spoke. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did, and I’m very sorry. I’m really trying to learn how to think before I speak. Please let me know if I hurt you in the future so I can get better at controlling my mouth.”
That’s a sincere apology. You’ve recognized you were wrong, acknowledged the hurt, showed remorse, and demonstrated how you are going to change in the future, which is a form of atonement. This gives your spouse assurance that you can be trusted to not do it again (or at least that you’re trying). This shows true love and respect.
If you have hurt your spouse intentionally, the situation will require a greater degree of remorse and more significant acts of atonement. It may require multiple apologies, acts of kindness, and gestures of love to convince your partner that you are sincerely sorry.
An apology must be sincere. If you’re not really sorry, don’t apologize. But discuss the situation with your partner to find out why he or she is hurt. With discussion, you may discover where you have been wrong, and perhaps even where your partner has been wrong, so that you can mutually apologize and move forward.
Taking responsibility can be hard. Forgiving a spouse for repeated hurts, intentional or unintentional, can also be hard. An experienced couples therapist or counselor should be able to help you develop the skills you need to learn to communicate, to forgive, and to grow stronger together. If you live in or around the New York City area and need help in your relationship, reach out to me for an initial consultation to see how I can help you.