When a spouse suffers from addiction, the whole family suffers. Addiction is a disease that looks more like a character flaw. In some cases, personality may play a part in the addiction, as well as stressors, past trauma, or a predisposed tendency toward addiction. But once an addiction has taken root in a person, it can be very difficult to reverse – but not impossible. Divorce from an addicted spouse is not inevitable. Many people recover from addiction. Your particular situation and your addicted spouse’s condition will determine what is best and safest for you and your family.
Addiction comes in many forms. The National Survey on Drug Use and Health reports that over 24 million Americans are in marriages in which at least one spouse has a substance abuse problem. This can include alcohol, hard drugs, and marijuana, including use for supposed medical purposes. Other addictions can include gambling, gaming, shopping or spending, pornography or sex addiction, and eating disorders.
Addiction brings about many negative behaviors that damage trust and a sense of security in a marriage: lying, cheating, stealing, explosive emotions, emotional withdrawal, financial problems, and even violence. I want to underscore this point – no matter how much you love your spouse and want to help him or her, never remain in a dangerous situation. Get yourself and your children to safety immediately.
Even in the face of this negative behavior, addiction is not a measure of your spouse’s love for you or the kids, although it can feel like it, especially with a sex and pornography addiction. All addictions in a relationship need emotional healing in addition to restoring the loss of trust and security that addiction can bring.
Steps that can be tried to heal the marriage
Don’t threaten a divorce unless you’re ready to go through with it. While sometimes getting divorced forces the ex to clean up their act since they now have half the income and no support system, it doesn’t always work. Try these steps first, if possible.
- Counseling and 12-step programs: Many, many people recover from addiction with the help of specialized addiction counseling and 12-step programs designed for your spouse’s particular problem. But the addicted person needs to want it. That’s why Alcoholics Anonymous, the flagship 12-step program, begins with the person admitting he or she is an addict. “My name is Mary and I’m an alcoholic.” Until your spouse can admit a problem, you can go to a counselor who is an expert in your situation to help you remain emotionally healthy as you try to help your spouse recognize and admit the addiction.
- Intervention: A family-and-friend intervention can be very effective in helping an addict become aware of his or her condition and take action. Often times there are family dynamics that allow the addiction to continue. With the help of a counselor or individual who knows how to lead interventions, the family and the addict can be educated on what addiction is, what creates the environment for addiction, and how to cut it off.
- Separation: A separation without a divorce may be a wake-up call to the addicted spouse. This step separates not only your living arrangements but also financial arrangements, which could possibly spur action towards healing on the part of the addicted spouse.
What to expect in a divorce
Divorce is difficult for all parties and I encourage people to try the above steps first. But if you feel like you’ve tried everything and you decide to go the route of divorce, don’t expect it to go smoothly. Your spouse is not rational. That’s the nature of addiction. Negative behavior will continue; if there was lying and cheating during the marriage, there will be lying and cheating during the divorce process. Make sure you hire a divorce lawyer who has experience working with addiction cases.
Creating a new marriage
If your spouse is working on overcoming the addiction, there is a great deal of hope for your marriage, but you will have to work through the damage that has been done. Counseling during this healing process will help you confront the pain, hurt, and anger. It will give you the opportunity to address ongoing concerns. And it will help you set up new structures of behavior and communication that can decrease the likelihood of backsliding into addiction or other negative behaviors. Really, it’s a chance to create a whole new marriage, perhaps even stronger than before, because you’ve weathered the storm together and are ready to chart a new course into the future.
Find a professional marriage counselor in your area who is an expert in helping couples overcome addiction. If you’re in the New York City area, I’d be happy to speak to you.