As we grow up, we develop patterns of behavior in our interactions with our parents. No parents are perfect, and no children are perfect. We all have traits, both positive and negative, that have interacted and sometimes been in conflict with each other. But once children become adults, those behaviors may need to change.
Changing our behavior may be a challenge because our behavior is based on many years of habit and conditioning. Sometimes that conditioning can roll over into other relationships, especially those involving an authority struggle. How you interact with your boss, what causes disagreements with your spouse, and what makes you pop off at the kids could actually be related to your experiences with your parents growing up, so it’s important to revisit and, when necessary, rewire those crucial relationships.
Psychodynamic therapy does a deep dive into understanding an individual’s personal history and what might drive one’s reactions, decisions, and relationships. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have helped many clients understand themselves more deeply and thus improve relationships with family, spouse, children, and co-workers.
Not everyone needs therapy to heal a relationship between child and parent, though. When both parties are motivated to improve their relationship, a few key steps will help improve your interactions and revive your parent-child bonds.
1. Act like adults
This can be harder for the child because we can be tempted to regress into old patterns of behavior and a mode of speech that is more typical for children or teens. Acting like an adult means thinking before reacting, trying to understand the other person’s point of view, and taking responsibility for one’s own life. It can take planning ahead of time to be prepared for the possibility that Mom might say that one thing that always irritates you or she may bring up that issue that you feel is none of her business. Prepare ahead of time: how will you respond? Can you flip it around and ask her questions instead, not to change the subject but to understand her motive for asking? Try using communication skills that work successfully in another aspect of your life, like at work or with clients. Treat Mom with that respect and she will hopefully respond in kind. It will be easier each time until you and your mother have created a new habit of interaction.
2. Take responsibility for your own life
If you ask your parents for money when you’re in a tight spot or assume your parents will babysit for your children so you can go out, don’t be surprised if your parents think they have the right to question your use of money, your parenting style, or your use of free time.
3. Create boundaries.
Parents are concerned about many aspects of their children’s lives. A study found that while adult children may be concerned about their parents’ health, parents of adult children are concerned about their children’s health, relationships, safety, finances, and more. Your parents have worried about these things all their lives; they aren’t going to stop. Together you need to discuss the issues of your parents’ concerns and determine boundaries. Children need to acknowledge their parents’ love, while parents need to acknowledge their children’s right to do things their own way. Children should still allow parents to offer advice or suggestions without being irritated, but parents also need to let the subject go and let their children make their own decisions once their advice or concerns are shared.
4. Stay connected
Don’t avoid each other just because your relationship is strained. Studies demonstrate that both parents and adult children fare better if they stay in contact, as long as there is no abuse involved. Working at your relationship with each other will make you better people and will help with other conflict management opportunities you may have. Family relationships are the most emotionally charged. If you can resolve differences in the family, you will have learned skills that will work in any situation.
5. Honor your parents
Your parents have done a lot for you, even if they made mistakes. They are also a wealth of information about your family history, and what it was like to live during a certain time. In previous generations, everyone had stories about what they were doing when they found out that the Twin Towers were attacked, or President Kennedy was shot, or World War II ended. Wise children collected family history and perspectives of those parents who lived through the Great Depression. Don’t miss your family legacy. Just by asking, by showing interest, you will be showing respect and will improve your relationship with your parents.
If your relationship is still too stressed, before giving up and cutting ties, ask your parents if they would be willing to attend counseling with you in order to work out the relationship. Find a counselor in your area with experience helping parents and adult children heal the gaps between them.