Lots of relationship apps have been developed in recent years that claim to help couples connect and bond. These apps offer suggestions for date nights, send daily relationship questions, or help couples understand each other’s emotional needs.
I applaud every attempt to help couples engage in meaningful dialogue and grow in understanding of each other’s emotional needs. But an app can’t help deep-seated issues that may be causing conflict in your relationship.
When relationship apps can be useful
I have found that these types of apps do have some value. They help couples get to know each other at the beginning of relationships. This can help them determine if they are actually compatible. The apps are also helpful in stable, long-term relationships when a couple wants to renew their focus on each other, as the busyness of life can often distract partners from one another. I think an app is a great idea for helping these healthy relationships become stronger. There are many different kinds of apps with different focuses. If you want to try one, look at several to see which one suits your needs.
When it’s time to seek professional help
Nonetheless, if you and your spouse have been struggling in some area, don’t depend on an app to fix it. If an issue is just beginning to crop up, nip it in the bud. Reach out to an experienced marriage counselor who can help determine if the problem is a communication style difference or a difference in emotional needs. A counselor can help you pick up on each other’s emotional signals and adjust your communication styles so that the other one hears and understands what you’re trying to say (and vice versa, of course). With this knowledge, you may be able to use apps effectively and continue to strengthen your relationship over time.
Couples who are dealing with more extreme issues such as infidelity or infertility need the safe and supportive environment that a couples therapist can provide. The breakdown that extreme issues cause, can often trigger intense responses in a relationship and this is when couples therapy can help.
The value of doing the work together
I applaud and honor couples who are willing to work together to overcome problems for the sake of their love and the commitment they made toward each other. We all benefit from having someone to walk through life with and help us through our rough spots. When you have a partner who is willing to do that for you, life is a little easier. Recognizing what a gift such a person is in your life, will help you both see the value in working hard to keep your relationship strong.
Feel free to try a few relationship apps. But if you need more help, reach out to a good marriage therapist. If you’re in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help you.