What’s the difference between being generous and being a people-pleaser? The distinction can be nuanced and difficult to discern. Usually, however, a person’s emotional health is a strong indicator of whether the tendency to people-please comes from a healthy or unhealthy source. If you are dealing with any kind of anxiety, fear, or overwhelm in your life, you’ll likely need some help developing boundaries so that you can continue your generosity from a healthier space.
Defining people-pleasing
Wouldn’t the world be a better place if everyone tried to care more about others than about themselves? Absolutely! But a spirit of generosity must not come at personal expense. There are always going to be people who are in need, important causes to volunteer for, and friends who need help. All of us should care enough to provide necessary support in any of these ways.
So if these are all good actions, what are some warning signs that something is wrong?
- Feeling internally compelled to help
- Feeling guilty if you say “no”
- Feeling anxious, exhausted, or overwhelmed
- Putting aside the needs of your spouse, children, or close family in order to help someone else or to do volunteer work
- Ignoring your own physical, emotional, financial, or familial needs to help someone else
- Agreeing with something or someone just to avoid conflict
- Allowing yourself to be a doormat for others
- Wanting the approval of others
- Defining your own self-worth by how much you do for others
- Trying to be agreeable all the time; never asserting oneself
- Avoiding saying anything unpleasant, to the point of making “little white lies”
- Feeling like a “martyr” and letting people know how much you are giving up for them
A few specific examples may include:
- Loaning money or helping someone buy a big-ticket item because “they need it” or “it will make her happy,” when you can’t really afford it, or giving small amounts of money repeatedly until it causes you financial problems
- Always saying yes when people ask you to do something, large or small: finishing up a job at work so someone else can leave early but you stay later; babysitting a child so that the mother can go out, even though you had plans
- Taking on additional tasks at a volunteer organization, which cut into family time, because there’s “no one else who will step up to do it”
Notice that in all these examples, it isn’t just the kind or generous act that is in question; it is what effect it has on you and your family. And once people know that you will say “yes,” you will be asked more and more often. Without healthy boundaries, you will continue to feel pushed in an unhealthy direction.
Motivations behind people-pleasing
As a psychotherapist in New York City, I can tell you that there are almost as many reasons for people-pleasing as there are people themselves. Our emotions and behaviors are, to a large extent, formed by our life experiences. However, what may cause people-pleasing in one person may have no effect on another.
When I work with a client, we work together to review and evaluate past experiences that may have led to the root causes of people-pleasing, which may include:
- Low self-esteem or insecurity
- Fear of loss
- Fear of conflict
- The feeling that you need to earn other people’s love
- The belief that your value is dependent upon what others think of you
- The desire to control the thoughts and feelings of others (possibly unconsciously)
Anything could have caused these feelings to develop in you. Maybe you grew up in a high-conflict household and tried to be the peacemaker, which earned the approval of certain family members. Or maybe one of your siblings was unhealthy and got the lion’s share of the attention. You found yourself often forgotten, or you did more to help around the house because of the family crisis. Maybe you were bullied and developed a habit of passivism to avoid further conflict. Or maybe you grew up in a great family where service was part of the atmosphere, but you never developed healthy boundaries.
Whatever the cause, we can find solutions to help you redefine how you serve others in a healthier way.
Making healthy changes
Your internal motivations are what make the difference between a generous, caring person and a people-pleaser. Your feelings of anxiety, overwhelm, worrying about what people think of you, inability to say “no,” and other unhealthy tendencies are signs that your good works and generous actions are not coming from the right interior motivations and are actually hurting you.
Let’s work together to redefine your thought patterns, heal some of those wounds, and help you develop healthy boundaries so that you can continue to help others without hurting yourself or those who depend on you. If you live in the New York City area, feel free to reach out to me to see how I can help.