Do you ever feel guilty when you relax? You’re not alone. It’s extremely common for highly effective people to feel guilty if they slow down, go on vacation, or even sit and relax for an hour. But why? Is it just because you like being busy, or is there some deeper reason that’s making it hard for you to appreciate leisure time?
This is a very complex question that could have many different answers and first let’s understand that guilt implies that you have done something wrong. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have had many clients who equated relaxation with laziness or “wasting time.” But relaxation is absolutely not a waste of time. It is necessary for your mental, emotional, and physical health.
The first thing I do with my clients who feel this guilt is to help them evaluate what is causing this false perception of relaxation. Then I help them reframe their thinking so that they can relax and actually enjoy themselves while doing it.
Why you can’t relax
There could be a number of reasons that contribute to your guilt about relaxing. Some are positive, some negative, and some neutral. Most of us have a combination of reasons. See how many of these may be contributing to your guilt:
- Your mind is overactive or anxious: If you struggle with intrusive or negative thoughts, staying busy could be your way of keeping them at bay.
- You see hard work as a virtue: Certainly, hard work is a wonderful thing! We should all be committed to doing our best at whatever we are doing. If you came from a family or culture that idealizes hard work and the results that can come from it, then you may have a hard time relaxing.
- You identify yourself with your productivity or your job: You may feel like your job or your success defines you. This may actually come from a place of low self-esteem, not recognizing that you have value beyond your work.
- You may be concerned about losing your job or being able to pay your bills: This can be a very real concern, and it can prevent you from spending time with those for whom you are working so hard to make ends meet.
- You like to see results: The benefits of relaxation are mostly abstract and come with time. By contrast, work is measurable, tangible, and offers immediate gratification. There’s nothing more satisfying than checking something off the to-do list or getting that bonus for beating the numbers for the month!
- You compare yourself to the success of others: People in your life or people you see online have what you want, and you feel like you need to keep pushing so that you, too, can reach that level. Conversely, you may have grown up with an example of someone who did not work hard and therefore did poorly in life, and you do not want that person’s fate.
This is not, of course, an exhaustive list, but you may see yourself to some degree in several of these scenarios. There are a few things you can do to break this connection between rest and guilt.
The benefits of relaxation
First of all, you need to know the benefits of relaxation. In fact, knowing these benefits will help you see that you’re actually “doing something” while relaxing: you’re making yourself more productive in the long run! That’s not actually the point; leisure has value in itself, but it is a nice benefit for those who love to always accomplish something.
By relaxing regularly, your body is able to get out of the “fight or flight” merry-go-round that modern American culture has pushed us onto. This leads to a staggering number of physical, mental, and emotional benefits:
- Healing of the nervous system
- Improved mental health
- Better emotional regulation and balance
- Clearer thinking, improved decision-making
- Improved creativity and problem-solving
- Improved focus, concentration, and memory
- Better sleep, less fatigue
- Improved relationships
- Improved digestion
- Increased blood flow and oxygen by relaxation of the arteries
- Possible reduced inflammation
- Possible decreased blood pressure and risk of stroke or heart attack
Once you know the benefits of relaxation, you see that you aren’t “doing nothing” when you relax. You are doing something critically important.
Claiming the benefits of relaxation
Being a productive person is a good thing. You don’t have to stop “being productive” to relax. But you may have to address some deep-seated lies first, if they are driving your guilt. Working with a counselor could help define them. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me for help. In the meantime, try a few of these ideas:
- Acknowledge that you deserve to relax. You’ve certainly earned it.
- If you’re the kind of person who lives by the calendar, be sure to schedule in your relaxation every day, with some longer breaks (a few days off) from time to time.
- Step away from your desk or computer frequently. Learn some relaxation or mindfulness techniques that only take a few minutes and that you can do hourly or at least several times during the work day to keep you relaxed while being productive.
- Turn off the phone and the computer in the evening, and tell people your new available hours.
- Plan time with friends or family, and stick with it. If you plan to sit down with your spouse at 8 pm every day, or you plan to play catch with the kids on Saturday after lunch, you won’t want to disappoint them, so you’ll make the time to relax with them.
- Find a fun hobby that may be active, so you feel like you’re “doing something” when you’re actually relaxing. That could be biking, baking, painting, or playing an instrument. The goal is to choose something that you won’t be judging yourself on. There are extra benefits for doing something with friends or family, but some alone time is also valuable.
These are just a few ideas that can help you learn to relax. It’s hardly productive to feel guilty about relaxation when the benefits of relaxing are so clear. If you have trouble applying these tips but you’re ready to learn the fine art of leisure, give me a call to see how I can help.