Communicating with Your Partner During Infertility

Posted on March 7, 2016 by Alisa Hafkin

Here in NYC we all experience busy lives.  The hustle and bustle of getting to work, navigating the subway, and even buying groceries (and walking them up the five flights to your apartment) can be exhausing and overwhelming.

Couples in our vibrant city may have extra stress and pressure as they negotiate building a life with higher living expenses, managing children, and just planning schedules.  It can be hard to breath and communicate and it’s much harder when you are experiencing infertility.

You want to grow your family and you can not seem to get pregnant.  Infertility can happen when starting a family or even when you are trying for the second time.  It is important to not let the stress of infertility crack your relationship.  Regular communication can help you understand how the current situation is impacting each of you.

  1. Set aside time just to talk.  This can be a regular date night at a restaurant or time on the sofa.  Check in on other aspects of life like work and family and then discuss the stressors in your lives.
  2. When events happen related to your infertility such as a treatment, a disappointing result, or a new plan of action, check in to discuss the details.  For instance, if you find out you are not pregnant your partner may show indifference to hide his own pain – it is important for you to understand that silence is not the same as not caring.  One of you may have difficulty showing and expressing feelings and you do not want that to drive a wedge in your relationship.
  3. At some point stop talking and engage in an activity together.  Talking is a way to bring about closeness but so is just being with someone in silence. Go back and do the things that you loved to do when you were a couple – either with the children you have or even when it was just the two of you.  Getting back to those fun and/or quiet times will fill your emotional tank so when you are presented with a stumbling block you are not wiped out.

All this sounds great in theory but putting it into practice in your own life can be quite a challenge.  I work with clients who are moving through the process of infertility treatment.  Sometimes, an individual just needs someone to talk to or the couple needs help establishing communication about feelings that feel too painful to talk about.  Whatever your situation, I am here to help you.

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When Infertility Treatment Is Not Working

Posted on February 23, 2016 by Alisa Hafkin

The drugs, shots, and doctors visits – they have been going on for months and still no pregnancy.  You have hopes and dreams of starting and growing a family that seem to be lost in test tubes and syringes.  The stress of waiting for good news is mounting and you are starting to lose hope.  This is a very typical feeling for individuals going through infertility treatments.

The very first thing you need to do is take a deep breath. Our minds and emotional state are very connected to the physical part of our being.  Take a moment to just let some fresh air in and blow the stress out.

Talk with your partner about what you are feeling.  I can guarantee that he/she is feeling the same pressure and anxiety as you.  The problem for most couples is that each individual tries to stay strong for the other while sometimes ignoring their own feelings.  The more you approach this as a couple problem the less strain on your relationship the issue will cause. While infertility can be a great stressor, it can also bond you closer to your partner as you go through this process.

Get educated on the whys and options.  You can feel quite empowered when armed with the information you need on how your reproductive system works, where and when problems occur and the myriad of reasons why infertility affects some couples and not others.  Also, knowing what your options are – all of them, can give you hope during your treatments.

Talk with your doctor about options.  There is a process doctors use to diagnose and treat infertility.  They start with the most common methods of treatment such as injections and then move to more intensive measures such as IVF.

Relax:  This is the hardest part because you so desperately want a baby. I understand that strain but research has shown that there is great power in reducing the stress in your life.  You can try a few simple stress relievers such as yoga and mediatation or think about removing bigger stressors by taking a leave of absence from work if that is the cause of your stress.

When I work with my clients who are moving through infertility treatments we focus on taking care of self and your relationship as a priority.  Many women feel they are at war with their bodies which is not functioning as they would like and they are distraught with feelings of biological betrayal.  Reconnecting with yourself and your partner as you proceed can allow you to find peace, and hopefully a blue line on the stick in the very near future.

 

 

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Your Friend is Pregnant…You are Not

Posted on February 16, 2016 by Alisa Hafkin

It does not matter how close of a friend she has been…your friendship may even date back to Kindergarten or it could be your closest cousin or your sister.  The fact is, she is pregnant and you are not.  Add to the frustration, she may have just started trying to get pregnant or was not trying at all…already has two beautiful children and whispers to you this was an “oops.”  Whatever the case may be, you hear the screaming in your head “THIS IS NOT FAIR!”

And yes, let me acknowledge that it is not fair.

How do you get through this situation? Well if your friend knew you have been trying to get pregnant and are having problems, hopefully she told you in a way that enables you to cope. You may have the sudden urge to fall apart and that’s ok.  If you found out in a crowd or at a restaurant it may be very hard to hold it together until you can get some time alone (I acknowledge this is much easier said than done).

When I work with clients through their infertility struggles, inevitably a friend, colleague, or relative will announce a pregnancy. Mustering up a bit of joy for the other couple can bring a bit of peace.  Of course, it is always critical to acknowledge all the feelings that are coming up for you in your mind and in your heart.  This can really sting.  It is a great idea to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal so you can share with your partner or therapist.

Try to find a way to positively acknowledge what has just happened for your friend and try not chastise yourself for also feeling angry and resentful. It is possible for you to have many conflicting feelings at once. Validating your own feelings while trying to celebrate this time with your friend can help to broaden your perspective on the situation and hopefully enable you to feel more whole.

What else can you do?  Well if you are suffering with a constant feeling of “why are my infertility treatments not working”, then you might want to take a look at what you are currently doing to see if there is room to incorporate additional strategies to help you cope. This is a good time to sit down and review what you have already done and make plans for the next steps. Movement helps you feel less stuck, so it is important to feel that you are the driver of what is going on with your body and mind.

In working with my patients, we find ways to reduce stress levels so anxiety doesn’t feel as though it’s taking over their lives. It is also important to focus on easing the tension in the body to create a more physically relaxed and less pressured state.  I encourage deep breathing, taking some time outside if possible, and enjoying some time away from anything that reminds you of having a baby.

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New Year – New You – Beating Depression

Posted on January 7, 2016 by Alisa Hafkin

This time of year is when New Year’s resolutions are made.  Many individuals want to lose weight, adjust their attitude, find a better job, or move.  For individuals suffering from depression, they just want to start to feel a little better and are nervous about not beating their depression.  How that is going to work and where the daily strength will come from can be a little difficult.  Working closely together, we can start to change your mindset and give you the tools you need to build your life.  Here are a few ideas to get you started:

  1. Start to meditate – it can be quite a challenge to quiet your mind spend a few minutes in peace.  Often our minds are racing and we are constantly thinking of the myriad of things we need to do.  However, taking some time to sit in peace and reflect on all that we have can not only be therapeutic but transformational.
  2. Journal – putting pen to paper can allow your brain to organize thoughts and feelings. Rather than keep it all bottled up inside it can be helpful to let it all out.
  3. Join a gym or exercise group – healthy body and healthy mind – our physical and mental worlds do work together.  Exercise and eating right can get your body operating at maximum capacity. And regularly exercising, even if it is just walking for 20 minutes outside gives your mind time to unwind a bit.
  4. Get out regularly – we were lucky this year the weather was so warm and we could spend so much time outside because it was pleasant.  Now, we see the cold air has arrived and it might take motivation to get you out of the house.  Enlist the help of a friend to go to dinner on a regular basis.  You could also take a class on something that interests you (try photography or cooking).  Attend lectures or tours at one of the city’s many art museums.

When you suffer from anxiety and depression you face a set of challenges but also opportunities.  Overcoming your tendency to allow nervousness and sadness is very empowering and we can work together to make that happen for you.

 

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Fight Your Depression During the Colder Weather

Posted on October 12, 2015 by Alisa Hafkin

Some term it winter depression or winter blues.  Whatever label you put on those feelings, we all know that for some, the colder months can be harder.  When you are prone to or already in a depressed state you may not welcome the upcoming change of seasons. Shorter days, less sunlight, and waking up in the dark can make the blahs come back or even get a bit worse.  With a little planning you can ensure your depression does not worsen or creep back in.

  1. Check in with your therapist.  If you have not seen a professional in quite some time, the fall is the perfect time for a check-up.  You can review how your year has been going so far, what has triggered your depression in the past, and then plan a course of action for you to get through the winter months.
  2. Get support around you now.  Make sure you have personal support around you so that during the colder time of year you can socialize and keep busy.  Find a book club, sign-up for a new class, or schedule dinners with friends to get you out and about. When you stay busy and interact with others you will find you stay happier.
  3.  Do not consume too much alcohol.  Yes, we are approaching the holiday season, and with that comes celebration and merriment.  When alcohol flows people tend to be in a good mood – but if you struggle with depression, alcohol can exacerbate your sadness.  While alcohol can help you forget about your problems in the short term, it can have the opposite effect in the long term.  And of course a hangover will keep you indoors and not feeling well which is exactly where you do not want to be.
  4. Take inventory and acknowledge your feelings.  When you look for the signs of depression on a regular basis in yourself or at least commit to being aware, you will have a greater chance of catching them before you hit trouble.  For instance, if you start to feel sad and not sure why, get out and take a walk or talk to a friend about your feelings.  Climbing into bed or sitting on the couch hoping your mood improves will not help you.

The fact that you walk a path with depression is one that adds an interesting dimension to your life.  There is no reason to feel sorry for yourself or simply hope that it goes away. You know the steps you have to take to make sure you live a fulfilled life and I am here to help you at every turn.  Take full control of your feelings and emotions during this time – it is the best gift you can give to yourself during the holiday season.

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When Your Friend is Pregnant…and you still are not

Posted on October 12, 2015 by Alisa Hafkin

When you are walking a path of infertility, you are struggling with a myriad of emotions and feelings.  Of course there is anxiety around your constant question “why can’t I get pregnant?”  And that is usually accompanied by a constant feeling of when will it finally happen for you?  I work with many individuals and couples who are dealing with infertility. We sort through their feelings and ensure they are coming together as a couple rather than falling apart.  While my patients do range in age, they undoubtedly have other friends who want to get pregnant as well…some are struggling and others are getting pregnant right away.

My friend just announced she is pregnant….

The friend may or may not have been trying to get pregnant.  In fact, when you are going through infertility treatment and hear of an oops pregnancy you may just about fall apart. Either way, when a friend announces her pregnancy at work or in your personal life you enter a small tunnel of pain.  Sure you are excited, but her news can also create much more anxiety for you.  How should you deal?

  1. Acknowledge that you wish it was you.  Yes, I know you have that feeling.  You want to be the one who is pregnant.  This could be your best friend or a close relative.  You are excited for them, but you wish it was you.  I understand.
  2. Dig deep and celebrate for your friend.  Find a way to not remain isolated by sending a card or flowers and if you feel prepared, spend some time together.  Ignoring the situation will only cause you more pain and she may actually be upset – especially if she does not know your current struggle.
  3. Come in for a visit with me. There is no better solution than to talk.  You can cry or express your anger and then we can discuss your emotions. Together we can work through your feelings and build some strategies to help you cope.

Being upset that someone else is pregnant does not make you a bad person. It just pushes your level of pain up another notch and that makes you want to avoid feeling more anguish. You are a good person and you want the best for your friends and family members. I know you are suffering through your infertility and you just want to get pregnant…already!  We can work together so you can relax into treatment with your medical doctor and deal with the myriad of emotions – including those that want your friends to be a little less pregnant and you to be scheduling sonograms.

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5 Ways to Help a Friend in Crisis

Posted on July 8, 2015 by Alisa Hafkin

Most of us have had a friend who has had some emotional crisis.  Hopefully family and friends (like you) have helped them find ways to maintain their life and receive assistance sorting out their stressful issues.  Many times those closest to the person in crisis feel helpless because they just do not know what to do.  Here are five great ways to help your friend get through to the other side.

  1. Just go out for a walk.  Have you noticed the power of being outside?  Here in NYC it can be hard to really commune with nature, but being out in the fresh air and looking up at the sky can really help a person who is struggling.  Depending on how they are doing you can go to Central Park, the zoo, the High Line, or walk around the quiet of Battery Park early on a Sunday morning. Let them guide the discussion and direction or just accompany them in their silence.  Remind them of hope, their own strength and that you are there for them.
  2. Cook a meal.  When I work with post-partum moms here in the city, there can sometimes be no better help than a home cooked meal.  Find out what the like to eat, if there are any dietary restrictions, and of course if they have any favorites.  Not a gourmet chef yourself, well then splurge and order from their favorite restaurant!
  3. Take their kids for a few hours or an overnight.  If your friend or loved one is struggling, they need some rest, and usually taking care of children leaves no time to reflect or have a quiet mind.  Make plans to take their children so they can get the alone time they need.
  4. Give them space.  You may feel the need to be a constant voice and fill your friend or loved one with the hope that activity and companionship will make them feel better.  While it is true some people do not want to be left alone, others crave space and solitude.  Of course, we do not want to see those who are struggling spend all day in bed, but they may need some time on the sofa watching a great movie by themselves.
  5. Do not try to solve their problems, in fact that can make matters far worse.  You can not just cheer up a depressed person if their relationship has ended.  If a friend is in debt, money may not be their only problem.  If they regularly feel overwhelmed do not swoop in and take over their to-do list.  Again, offer support but do not try to save them.

Many of my patients here in New York City suffer with depression and/or anxiety.  Sometimes they feel as if they have no one to talk to, so just knowing you are there for them can make all the difference in the world.

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We are Half Way Through the Year

Posted on June 3, 2015 by Alisa Hafkin

As we make our way through June we are closing in on the half way point of 2015.  Did you set a list of personal things to do and have not made much progress?  Do you need a bit of encouragement  to get moving through your goals?  It can be a bit overwhelming.  I understand.  When we work, live, play and sometimes just try to keep our head above water in this fantastic city of ours, moving forward can be a challenge.

I have worked with clients in my NYC office who tell me it is frightening to think of actually achieving the goal.  I get it, it may seem a bit unusual and contrary to a regular line of thinking.  But the truth is, once you achieve a goal, what is next?  As long as that goal is in sight, you still have hope. Are you ready to step up and then do even more?  It can be scary to think that you could actually get your act together.  Then what would happen?

So what should you do if you are looking to accomplish some goals?

  1. Write down what you want to do.  There is a certain power in the written word.  Seeing your goals in black and white (could be up on a screen) can have a profound effect on you.
  2. Make sure your goals are obtainable.  For instance, if you want to be able to run a marathon in the next 30 days, that might not be reasonable if you have yet to walk around the block.
  3. Determine some manageable steps by setting smaller goals to meet and celebrate when accomplished.

I have a friend who sets 90 day goals.  This seems to be a good number for her.  Her goals are always significant and they lead to bigger steps in her life. Most importantly, she has found that the her 90 day time frame is a perfect measurement tool that enables her to obtain her goals.  Using her system she increased her business, paid off a car, lost weight, and toned up her arms.

So why do I write about goals?  Goals can keep you on track to building your life.  When you are moving forward working toward certain accomplishments you will find that other pieces will fall into place.  Also, when you are working on goals, professional and personal, you will find there is little time for you to get complacent.

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Infertility Counseling Session 9: Ethics

Posted on May 20, 2015 by Alisa Hafkin

Modern science has reached a stage within the area of reproductive medicine, that challenges practitioners and their clients to face many ethical considerations when moving forward in the quest to have a child. The limited options that were available to individuals and couples 25 years ago did not create the kind of ethical dilemmas we face today. No one would have predicted that a child could potentially have five parents: the intended mother, the intended father, the egg donor, the sperm donor and the gestational carrier. That concept, during the early years of assisted reproductive technology, would have been considered science fiction and today it is just one of the magical advances individuals and couples have to choose from.

Some of the other leaps in assisted reproductive technology include having a child for a woman over the age of 50 with the use of egg donation, homosexual and lesbian individuals and couples having children through egg donation and surrogacy and having a child after death with the use of frozen sperm or eggs. These concepts are in use today and require in depth consideration of the considerable ramifications that can affect a much wider circle than just the individual or couple using assisted reproductive technology.

We first begin by identifying the reason/s for infertility as that determines the direction and individual or couple needs to take in order to have a child. Depending on the options available, and there are many, we then look at viability, practicality and then identify if there is an ethical dilemma. An example of this may occur when a woman diagnosed with infertility wants to use an egg from another family member such as a sister, niece or cousin. It may seem selfless and logical to implement this decision but there may be hidden issues that could cause potential harm. The donor may feel coerced or guilty or there may be financial incentives, all of which need to be explored before any further steps are taken. Another example is when a prospective parent is of an advanced age, increasing the potential that a parent will die while the child is still young. Looking beyond the immediate need to have a child to a future that may be compromised is a way to incorporate ethics in to the assisted reproductive arena.

The next step involves gathering as much information as possible about the situation at hand so as to make an informed and ethical decision. Using the in-family egg donation example above, a practitioner needs to help the parties involved make the best decision for themselves, the donor and the child. The practitioner can help shed some light on to concepts that were not previously considered such as, will the donor have a say in decisions about the child? Will the parents insist that the conditions under which the child was conceived be kept secret? What are the ramifications of offering money for egg donation to someone in financial need? As this information is gathered, the parties involved have the opportunity to look at and understand that they may or may not be making the best ethical decision for themselves, their family or their child.

After information is gathered and all parties understand the complexities of the situation, options are then identified with the goal that everyone can agree on the best path to take. For couples, one partner may be rooted in one ideology while the other wants to try something different. For individuals, it is important to focus on finding a viable and dependable support system that fosters the long term emotional and physical health of both parent and child.

There are so many things to consider with the use of assisted reproductive technology and being open to the scientific options as well as the ethical dilemmas, enables the potential for more holistic choices. Once all the options are explored, it is then time to make the decision to move forward and sometimes that means opting to remain childless. There is no way to predict the long term outcome of a decision fraught with challenging ethical issues but without consideration of those issues, there is certainly more potential for long term harm.

 

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The Power of Keeping a Journal

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Alisa Hafkin

As a therapist I am always honored when a client chooses to work with me.  I work tirelessly to stay current on issues and information  to bring the best therapeutic techniques to my practice.

With new developments and new theories always being brought to light, one constant that has stood the test of time is maintaining a journal.  When working and/or living in New York City, life can seem a bit hectic.  A journal can be a place you sort out your thoughts, dreams, and areas of your life that you want to work on.

A journal is a way to organize your thoughts and find clarity when your head is spinning.  A good friend of mine puts circles in her journal for the areas of her life that seem to be causing her stress.  This type of mind mapping works well for her.  A client of mine writes lists, lots and lots of lists.  Others just write in paragraphs about their feelings and emotions.
In your journal you can keep a running diary of happenings, thoughts and emotions for us to talk about during our work together.  When we meet you will want to share all that has happened in your life since we last sat down and some details are particularly important.   Writing down your feelings and thoughts may allow you to recapture the moment so that we can better process what has happened to you.

We live in a very busy world and you may want a bit of private space that is only yours.  You may be married, have children, and a very busy career.  Going from home to office and home again at night may put you on interaction overload with your “space” constantly being invaded by others.  A journal can be the space where your privacy lives.

Track the progress we make
When you work with me, you will start to feel better just because you made the important step of finding help.  You may want to keep a list of things to do, that you have done, or interesting ideas.  Even if you are not comfortable with the idea of writing, just keeping a space for your accomplishments can be phenomenal way to track and reflect on at later points.

What a journal should look like?
The most important part of selecting a journal is to make sure you are comfortable with it.  I have clients who use a regular notebook, others who purchase a leather bound scratch book, and some who prefer to use their computer (word document or online diary).

Not sure where to begin to establish a journal?  No problem.  We can talk about it during our time together and find a situation you find most comfortable for your private thoughts and dreams.

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