Problems in Your Marriage: Communication

Posted on May 24, 2017 by Alisa Hafkin

Your marriage is not going to be perfect and there are going to be bumps along the way – afterall, all couples have disagreements.  Regardless of the situation, good communication based on love and respect can help you successfully navigate anything that comes your way. Couples sometimes feel that their marriage is in trouble because they argue. Arguing isn’t the problem as much as stepping in and making loving and productive attempts to solve the problem

Couples who engage in therapy try to look at negative communication patterns that can hurt their marriage. They then work towards creating and using productive strategies to solve problems. No matter what the issue, increasing the quality of your communication can lead to a better resolution of the negative dynamic in your relationship.

  1. Have a plan.  If you are having a serious problem in your relationship that needs to be addressed then really think about how you are going to talk to your partner.  Just don’t blurt out or start screaming at your partner.  Know what you want to say and even practice so you do not get sidetracked.  Do not fill your time with complaining  – simply state the problem and ask for what you want.
  2. Find a good time to sit down with your partner.  This might not be when she walks in the door from work or just as he is finishing the dinner dishes.  Make sure it is a few minutes of distraction free time.
  3. State your position and then allow the other person to respond…or not.  Your significant other might not have a response and may need time to process what you said and form their own opinion.
  4. If the discussion does continue, you need to really listen.  You may feel that your partner is wrong but that does not make you right.  They may have a very different view of the situation and you need to listen carefully to understand their position.
  5. Stop the conversation after a specific amount of time if you have not come to an agreement.  Sometimes one partner wants to keep going until a resolution has been found but the other partner may be tapped out.  Your problem may not be solved but frustration will compound the issues – better to let it rest for a bit. This is time to reconnect as a couple, not go away mad and frustrated. Make sure to make a commitment to revisit the problem at a later time.

Couples who are constantly fighting for long periods of time usually need help working through a process of stating problems, listening and then working towards a resolution.  Sometimes we become stuck in patterns of behavior that are destructive.  It is better to take a bit of time and work through a process with a couples therapist so your future disagreements do not turn into battles that hurt your relationship.

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Financial Mistakes that can Doom a Marriage

Posted on May 24, 2017 by Alisa Hafkin

When clients visit my office here in NYC for couple’s therapy, they present a particular issue that they would like to deal with or they have a general feeling of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.  There are a few general categories in life that couples struggle with and finances, for some, is at the top of the list.  Money issues are very common in a relationship either because of different values, commitment and/or lack of communication.

What are the common problems couples experience around money?

  1. Hiding:  Hiding issues having to do with money sometimes come from embarrassment, insecurity or a need to hoard/protect wealth.  We usually see this in couples where one individual does not have a substantial amount of money or may have debt that he/she is embarrassed about and/or the partner is scared to share wealth for fear it will be squandered away.
  2. Ignoring:  it is all too common for one or both partners to completely ignore money problems.  When bills are due and the money is not available or you do not want to deal with talking about a budget or the impending bill for college – it can be easier just to ignore the problem.  You may have said “oh, we will talk about it tomorrow,” or “let him/her take care of the finances.”
  3. Different values and styles on money:  If one of you is a saver and the other a spender, your difference in values regarding money can cause significant problems.   If you feel you should go and buy a new suit for work when your partner wants to save money for retirement, or you invest in a mutual fund and your partner wanted to use that money for home renovation, that is going to cause problems.
  4. Jealousy of others:  In today’s world of instant gratification it is hard to see others advancing up the economic ladder when you are not.  It can be hard to be left behind with less purchasing power when friends are in a position to do more because they have more. You may feel that your partner is not pulling his/her weight and that resentment, fueled by your jealously is going to be a problem in your relationship.
  5. Letting the other person handle it:  you may just hate to deal with money.  And not knowing can sometimes feel better than facing reality.  The problem is that since money is how you financially support your life you should be an active participant.  And, to leave all financial decisions and management to your partner may cause them to resent the extra pressure.

As with all parts of your life, you and your partner should discuss financial issues and money management is an important one.  Making decisions together and discussing goals and problems will allow you to support each other as you plan your future and tackle financial obstacles.   I can meet with you individually and also as a couple to find better ways to communicate and help you deal with differences you and your partner face around money.

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Obstacles That Arise in Couples Therapy

Posted on April 27, 2017 by Alisa Hafkin

It is the hope that couples who make the decision to engage in therapy have the desire to achieve clarity in their relationship.  Trusting one’s partner and the therapist is the bedrock for growth, whether it be in an effort to stay together or to separate. During therapy we discuss and explore many aspects of your life as an individual and as a couple and in some instances we uncover fundamental issues that may cause therapy to break down.

What can hinder the couples therapy process?

#1 Wanting the other partner to change.  Wanting change is the first step in identifying the top layer of a problem. Some changes are plausible to put in to place but both partners have to agree that it is best for the relationship. When a deeper level of change is sought, couples run in to the challenge of expecting too much from their partner. As marriages progress throughout the years, they discover that their partner is different from the person they married. A marked change has taken place and suddenly your partner seems like a stranger. Attention must be paid on a daily basis to the nuances of your partner’s perspective on life. This becomes a sharing opportunity than can lead to cohesion in the relationship rather than surprise and disappointment.

#2 Not owning your part in the problem. Accusation and defensiveness are poisonous in a relationship and they prohibit any real communication from occurring. If you have an issue that sits between the two of you, then you both need to own the problem.  When one person is on the attack, the other person is on the defensive. Presenting a problem in a non-accusatory manner will help stave off a defensive response. Any entry in to a problem has a greater chance of resolution if you accept that you have a part in the problem as much as your partner.

#3 In therapy, it is crucial that an atmosphere of trust is created so that secrets can come out.  This can be hard if an affair, gambling, drug abuse, or financial issues have been hidden in the marriage.  Keeping secrets from your spouse and in therapy will hinder efforts at achieving growth and clarity.  It sometimes feels impossible to reveal something that causes shame or hurt. Admitting to something you have hidden is very scary. It can be an opportunity to deepen the relationship or a deal breaker that will drive the two of you apart. If kept hidden, the secret will find a way to emerge in a surprising and often dysfunctional manner. If there is a deep secret one partner may need some time to meet with me individually to work through a course of action.

#4 Not doing the work. During our time together we explore ideas to find a way out of the tangle that has been created in your relationship. Individuals and couples sometimes think that going to therapy is the work but that is a shortsighted assumption. The real work happens outside the therapy office and that takes the form of incorporating what was discussed in therapy in to your actual life.

My goal is to help you have a very successful couples therapy experience so you can move through your current issues and build a strong relationship or find the strength to move apart.  Bringing your issues in to the therapy room and making a commitment to work, regardless of how hard it may seem, is important in finding the way to move forward on your life’s journey.

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GUILTY FEELINGS AND INFERTILITY

Posted on April 24, 2017 by Alisa Hafkin

When you struggle with infertility you may experience a myriad of emotions ranging from anger to sadness to fear and possibly guilt.  It is hard for those not dealing with infertility to understand that guilt often arises as a result of not being able to conceive. We think and believe that having a baby is one of the most normal things a human body is capable of doing but when problems arise, people look for answers and blame themselves.  Both men and women struggling with infertility experience a profound sense of guilt.

Why do individuals feel guilty when struggling with infertility?

  1. Feelings of guilt arise out of a fear of disappointing a partner. If your sperm count is low or you do not ovulate, you may feel that the problem stems from you; resulting in deep feelings of guilt about how “your problem” is affecting your partner.
  2. You may feel that you are disappointing your family; including your parents, grandparents, siblings, etc. It doesn’t matter if you come from a large or small family because expectations about having children exist in all types of families and across all cultures.
  3. If you are older you may feel that you waited too long to establish your career, save up enough to buy a home or feel settled enough to start a family and now age is working against you.

The list above is only a small fraction of the reasons why a person feels guilt as a result of being infertile. The most important thing is that without exploring this feeling, guilt can poison an already very stressful and difficult journey. It is important to put guilt in its place, to check its power over your experience as you try to conceive. At the moment your body is not working the way you had hoped and expected.  As you explore options it is important to be mindful of all the emotions that arise and engage in coping strategies to help alleviate the most negative ones.

How do you change the feelings of guilt that you feel due to your infertility?

When my clients come to see me we talk about their guilt. It is a hard emotion to discuss but when we coax it out, we see that it is a part of the emotional package that accompanies infertility. I help people see that the infertility is not a matter of fault –  that it just is, and we have to deal with the situation at hand in the most sensitive way possible. It is vital to ensure that your emotional toolbox is filled with strategies that can enable you to handle your guilt in a positive and accepting manner.

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Taking Control of Your Anxiety

Posted on March 20, 2017 by Alisa Hafkin

Anxiety may be something you have lived with your entire life or perhaps you have experienced short episodes. However you experience your anxiety it is critical to get a handle on how to manage it it.

Some people are just more anxious than others.  Anxiety can be brought on by triggers such as fear of failure, being reprimanded, guilt or shame.  Some of the symptoms are heart palpitations, shaking hands and sweats or it may be a general feeling of unease. Anxiety at its core is a deep sense of fear – sometimes real and sometimes not

How and why you experience anxiety is unique to you and your circumstances. It is important to get it under control so it does not lead to dysfunctional in your daily life.  Anxiety can be crippling and can lead to depression but with the right tools it can be controlled.

One of the first steps for getting control over your anxiety is to find a therapist who you can work closely with on your issues.  You need a few coping skills in your tool box and the right professional will be able to help you figure out what works best for you.  It is important to have someone to turn to for support and developing a trusting relationship with a therapist will be a valuable resource for now and in the future.

When you sense anxiety is present and ramping up, it will be helpful to know that you and your therapist developed methods for managing it that are unique to you. This can include deep breathing, grounding, visualization, self-talk, exercise and even temporarily removing yourself from a stressful situation.

Check in regularly with your therapist to talk about the stress you are under, what is working and what is not working.  Sharing this information with someone you trust can make the difference between success and failure.  Your therapist will be able to see patterns in your situations and behavior and then help you to make adjustments to enable you to reduce your anxiety level.

Here in NYC we all live very busy lives and it is easy to get overwhelmed in the day-to-day craziness.  When anxiety starts to build in your life it is best to get on top of the issues.  There is no reason to suffer alone.

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When You are Trying to Conceive

Posted on February 15, 2017 by Alisa Hafkin

When you first start trying to start a family it can be a very exciting time.  All of the “trying” can reconnect you as a couple as you think about a nursery, little feet, and baby names.

But then nothing happens…and you give it another month…and another…

Anxiety and depression start to occur as time passes and your friends and family members announce their due dates and showers are planned.  You may experience feelings of dread and fear and wonder “will I ever get pregnant?”

When I work with clients we address these issues no matter where they are in their journey to conceive a baby.  You may be just starting to think there is something wrong, just starting to visit specialists or your kitchen table is filled with medications and you feel like a pin cushion.

While it is important to work with doctors it is just as important to take care of yourself…and your stress level.  Dealing with infertility can be exacerbated by anxiety and stress – so take some for self care and couple care with these suggestions:

  1. Exercise.  There is something magical about exercise.  Not only does it make you physically stronger and healthier but it allows you time to clear your brain and reduce stress that can build during the day.
  2. Limit caffeine and alcohol – while drinking coffee and caffeinated soda can be a daily ritual for many, it can also give you the gitters, heighten anxiety and cause nervousness.  Alcohol may initially make you feel relaxed but it can interfere with getting a solid night’s sleep and that is extremely important while you are dealing with infertility.
  3. If possible, try to get away.  Get out of your familiar surroundings and expand your experience. Traveling can be an effective distraction while you are dealing with the stress, fear and frustration of infertility.
  4. Have important parenting talks with your partner such as savings, who is going to take care of the baby, are you both going to continue working?  It is also important to talk about your feelings should your attempts at conception be unsuccessful. This is a very difficult topic but you may find that in being open an honest about your fears, you may relieve some of the stress that occurs from holding in uncomfortable feelings.

Stress and anxiety can be ugly sisters and wreak havoc on your life while you are trying to conceive.  Take time to relax, take care of you and your significant other, and explore your options for making this a more holistic process.  There are many things to consider and contend with while you are trying to conceive so remember to engage with your partner on strategies to help you both cope during this stressful time.

 

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Reconnect with Your Spouse In New York City

Posted on February 15, 2017 by Alisa Hafkin

In this busy city of ours it is easy to lose your way as a couple.  You both run around managing work and kids (school, activities, play dates) and it can often be hard to find time to reconnect with your parter.  Having regular time together is critical for not losing the connection within your relationship.  This goes beyond meeting on the sofa when the house is quiet to binge watch Netflix – doing that is a wonderful way to relax.  It is important to get out of your usual habits and rediscover each other.

If you are looking for a great date night here in NYC, here are some suggestions – some are even free!

  1. Have a dinner date – remember those?   In New York City there are so many options based on your taste, style and of course, budget.  We have the finest restaurants and the best pizza in the world  – something for everyone!
  2. Take a walk around Central Park or on the High Line – there is always something new to see and talk about.  Just hold hands, stroll along and see where the time and conversation takes you. It is also nice not to talk at all but to just be together.
  3. Do something new that you can only do in winter – like ice skating! Both Wolman Rink to Rockefeller Center are easy to get to.
  4. Visit a museum – there are of course the standard museums – MOMA, the Met, but also find the unusual ones that pop up around town for a short time.
  5. Do a Google search for adventures you might never even knew existed such as rock climbing, archery, bread baking, etc.
  6. Get out of the neighborhood – take the tram over to Roosevelt Island, visit the Brooklyn or Bronx Botanical Gardens, or walk around Governors Island.

When you have children it can be hard to add in the extra time required to vet and get a babysitter.  Just keep in mind that it is worth the effort.  Exchange babysitting nights with another couple or if available, ask family members if they would be willing to be with your kids.  Remember, life can be much easier when you have help from people you trust.

The most important part of time spent together outside of the usual routine is to reconnect with your spouse.  Take time to talk about what is working in your relationship and also what you can work on together. You may be amazed by your parter when you experience something new with them. It is important to recognize the many dimensions that exist in your spouse that often go unnoticed during the daily grind of a busy life in New York.

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Does Couples Therapy Really Work?

Posted on January 17, 2017 by Alisa Hafkin

When you and your significant other acknowledge that you need help to manage your relationship, it can be a frightening realization and a very stressful time.  You want to find the right counselor who can help you build a stronger marriage.  Here in New York City there are many choices and it may feel overwhelming to get started.  Therapy requires effort, time, work and money and you may be wondering…

Does Couples Therapy Really Work?

Yes, couples therapy can have great success.  But just like anything else in life it is going to take effort and you will get out of it only what you put in.  The answer will depend on several important factors about you and your relationship.

  1. Type of problem:  If you are starting marriage counseling because one of you has cheated on the other that is very different than working together to manage the challenges of a new baby.  It may be obvious that some issues require outside help but it is important to note that no challenge is too small to address in order to safeguard a relationship.
  2. Willingness to change:  If part of your relationship is not working then something needs to change.  Sometimes people feel that if their partner would change everything would be ok. We can only change ourselves and letting go of the need to change your partner is a good first step toward breaking a dysfunctional cycle.
  3. Commitment to ‘do the work’:  For many couples therapy is their first time sitting with another individual whose purpose is to help find solutions to problems in the relationship.  Therapy involves exploration of yourself and the way that you operate both as an individual and a partner.  It takes resolve and stamina to commit to therapy and follow through with the work of breaking through and overcoming a relationship challenge.
  4. Openness:  The only way that couples therapy is going to work is if you are both open with your thoughts, emotions and feelings. Vulnerability is a scary word but with small steps you can begin to open up to a more honest and intimate relationship. The key is to start slowly so that you can feel a sense of accomplishment.

Finding the right therapist to help you explore your relationship is critical.  You want a counselor with a significant toolbox of skills and ideas to help you negotiate your way to a healthier relationship.

 

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Dealing with Infertility

Posted on January 11, 2017 by Alisa Hafkin

As a NYC psychotherapist I have a particular focus on helping individuals and couples deal with infertility.  Often new patients seek out therapy to get help with developing a plan to get through this challenging time.  They may have just found out there is an issue or they have been struggling with infertility for quite some time.  Each session is an opportunity to talk about the struggle and emotional upheaval of dealing with infertility and its treatments but it is also an opportunity to develop coping methods and plans of action.   Inevitably, this is the question that gets asked:

How I am going to get through infertility?

I create a safe space to feel whatever it is you are feeling and that, in an of itself is a way to get some relief from anxiety, stress, depression and fear about your infertility. It may feel hard to keep going and act normal at work and with friends, but sometimes that gives your mind a break from focusing solely on your infertility. Here are some suggestions to get you started down a path of accepting where your body and mind are right now.

  1. Acknowledge your disappointment.  A diagnosis of infertility is shocking and you should expect to feel a wide range of emotions.  Discussing these difficult feelings will allow us to deal with them in a positive manner.
  2. Turn toward your partner or a trusted friend or family member.  Whether the issue sits with you or your partner or does not have an immediately understandable source, it is time to turn toward someone for support.  If you are in a relationship, blaming, giving the cold shoulder or acting aloof can creep in and you want to get a hold on that before it becomes destructive.
  3. Do your research.  Do not sit confused with unanswered questions that can lead to more anxiety.  Use your support team to get the information you need on treatments and for developing your plan.
  4. Try to get some space from thinking about your infertility.  This might be a good time to think about getting in to something that can fully absorb you, even if it’s for a very short time. That will give your brain and heart some rest.

Individuals and couples who seek therapy during this very difficult time hope to find a way to ultimately get pregnant. Therapy is part of a holistic approach to the problem of infertility along with a strong medical team, good nutrition, rest, socializing and exercise.  All of these things need attention to promote balance and as much wellbeing as possible while going through stressful treatments and wait times.  No matter where you are in the process of dealing with your infertility, make sure you have a confidential support team in place to help you through.

 

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What are the Warning Signs We Need Couples Therapy?

Posted on December 19, 2016 by Alisa Hafkin

Relationships are dynamic. We all have our ups and downs. Every relationship will hit some bumps in the road but you should get help before your relationship gets out of control and feels hopeless.

Sometimes it takes one partner realizing there is a problem and convincing the other partner that help is needed.  When there is resistance, it might be helpful to talk to your partner about how you are feeling.

Here are some things to consider when thinking about couples therapy.

  • Do you feel like your partner isn’t seeing or hearing you? Is he or she too busy with the demands of life, leaving you feeling isolated?
  • Are you having sex? Almost 12% of marriages are considered sexless or nearly sexless, according to one survey. There could be a physical issue in the way and caring for children and stressing about work doesn’t help. If you’re not interested in sex for a prolonged period of time or are no longer physically attracted to your partner, a deeper issue, like a lack of emotional intimacy or romance, might be a factor.
  • Are you thinking about or talking to ex-lovers or spouses? Do you want to get back together or have an experience with someone other than your spouse?
  • Do you enjoy time with others more than with your spouse? Are you looking forward to time with friends or family, but not with your partner?
  • Have you become so apathetic about your relationship that even arguing about issues doesn’t seem to be worth the effort? Bickering represents more of a connection than apathy because apathy is a sign you’ve given up and there’s no longer something holding you together.
  • Are you overcompensating? When asked by others how things are going, do you paint an overly rosy picture about your spouse and your relationship?
  • Are you empowering one another or spending a lot of time nitpicking and criticizing, pointing out flaws or thinking your spouse can’t do anything right? Are you verbally lifting each other up or knocking each other down?

I help couples re-build their relationships and enable them to take down the emotional walls between them. We all need help from time to time and getting help with a relationship can be an investment in time and energy that could result in a lifetime of rewards. Learn more about what I can do for you and your relationship by contacting our office.

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