Marriage counseling before marriage may sound like putting the cart before the horse, as the saying goes. Such counseling is generally referred to as pre-marital counseling (for obvious reasons) and it is not a sign that your relationship is in trouble. On the contrary, attending counseling before you tie the knot is a sign that the couple is committed to giving themselves the very best chance of achieving a relationship filled with trust and intimacy.
Multiple studies have demonstrated that pre-marital counseling significantly strengthens marriages and decreases divorce rates in counseled couples. This is because couples ask the big questions and address possible problems before they face them, giving them time to work through them without the emotional pressure that is present in the midst of the situation.
Communication
In any relationship, communication is the key to success. During pre-marital therapy, couples learn how to effectively communicate in ways their future spouse will understand. To do this, we delve a bit into what motivates each of them, their likes and dislikes, and possible past events that have framed their thinking. They can then practice how to communicate effectively as they discuss the big questions and potential problems that may arise over the decades to come. At the same time, they will learn how to resolve heated arguments and how to make up afterward.
Big Questions
There are a lot of big questions that many couples surprisingly do not discuss before marriage. Some of the big questions addressed in pre-marital counseling include:
- How committed are you to this relationship and fidelity to your partner? Do you agree that “affairs of the heart” are as devastating as sexual infidelity and commit to complete emotional fidelity?
- Where would you prefer to live? Do you prefer a city, suburban, or rural setting? Do you want to be near family or farther away?
- What are your feelings about children? How many would you like to have? What opinions do you have about discipline, allowance, sports, education?
- How important is your spiritual life to you? If faiths differ, how will you both practice your religions? In whose religious beliefs will the children be brought up and will they go through the rituals of the religion?
- What are each partner’s relationship with their own parents/family and the future in-laws? What family expectations does each person have, with regard to visits, communication, holidays, etc.?
- What are each partner’s career expectations? Does one or both of you have jobs that take more than 40 hours per week? Is travel involved? How will you maintain your relationship when there is little time together? Would changing jobs be a possibility? Will family be a priority over career?
- What are your feelings regarding money? This is huge. It touches on everything from day-to-day spending and savings to home-buying, career, saving for children’s education, and more.
Potential Problems
Though we go through many potential hot points in counseling, couples need to be ready to use the skills learned to address problems as they arise. One of the issues that often pop up is traditional gender roles. While in counseling we may discuss big topics, such as staying home to raise the children, other issues will arise organically as the marriage progresses. Couples will need to address the division of labor around the house and be flexible.
Sexual intimacy is a sensitive subject, but it should not be avoided. It is the core of marriage, and spouses need to be comfortable sharing with each other their expectations and their preferences. This is covered in pre-marital counseling, but as time goes on, preferences or expectations change. Lessons learned in pre-marital counseling should be able to help couples work through each situation as it arises.
When married couples come to me for marital counseling, they are often hurting. If both are committed to healing, we work together to achieve a healthy relationship. However, when I lead couples through pre-marital counseling, they gain confidence from what they learned in our sessions before conflict arises, helping them avoid a lot of future strife. If you are in the NYC area and would like marital or pre-marital counseling, contact me.