No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. There will always be disagreements in a marriage or romantic relationship, and sometimes one will hurt the other. It’s really important in any relationship to assume the best of the other person. However, it is important to evaluate your circumstances and how you are being treated to see if you are the victim of emotional abuse.
What are the circumstances?
Before going through a list of possible signs of emotional abuse, we need to consider the context. We live in a very stressful world, the last few years having been particularly stressful. People react differently to stress, and sometimes it is in ways that hurt or annoy others.
One of the big questions in determining if your partner’s behavior is abusive or just thoughtless is to consider how long it has been going on and under what circumstances. Another is to consider how your partner responds if you share that you are being hurt by his or her behavior.
While there is no cut-and-dried sign, chances are that if the behavior seems linked to some external events or internal issues your partner is going through, your partner is not intentionally being abusive (though it may accidentally be abusive).
If you can have a rational conversation with your partner about the behavior and you express your feelings, and he or she is sorry and tries to change, your partner is not being intentionally abusive.
What are some signs of abuse?
Even if the abusive behavior is temporary, brought about by issues or stress in the person’s life or just ignorance of the way it hurts you, it’s never okay. Your partner needs to be confronted – in an appropriate and effective manner – so that the unacceptable behavior stops.
That said, some patterns of behavior suggest deeper mental health issues, which can be much more serious and extremely difficult or even seem impossible to change.
It may be emotional abuse if your partner:
- Flies off the handle at the smallest provocation, as a general rule
- Will not admit any wrong and will accuse you consistently of being too sensitive or overreacting
- Makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells
- Tries to make you completely dependent upon him or her
- Controls your finances, your time, your relationships
- Wants an accounting of everywhere you’ve been and what you’ve done, beyond normal curiosity about your day
- Cancels your plans (or convinces you to cancel plans) with friends or family to spend time with him or her
- Gets upset or jealous when you spend time with others
- Is possessive and jealous, yet tells you it’s because s/he “loves you”
- Regularly compares you unfavorably to others of your sex (husband comparing his wife to other women, wife comparing her husband to other men)
- Teases you in a hurtful way, but when you complain says “I’m just kidding. You can’t take a joke.”
- Reacts severely if you treat them the same way they treat you
- Humiliates you in front of others
- Is volatile and moody and threatens to leave you to get you to accede to their wishes
- Becomes wildly upset if you confront them with their behavior
- Tries to make you feel like you’re losing it – “gaslighting” you by denying what is patently obvious to keep you feeling off-balanced and unsure of yourself
- Tries purposely to make you feel incapable – hides your keys and then finds them (what would you do without me?)
- Tears down your dreams and hopes
This is an incomplete list, and certainly, some of these items can be a matter of poor communication or insensitivity about your feelings. Others are clearly abusive things that no rational, loving person would do.
The bottom line on emotional abuse
Abuse is about power and control. If your partner’s behavior seems designed to make you feel dependent, emotionally unstable, insecure, or inferior, and there is no way to discuss it rationally, you are probably dealing with abuse.
Trust your instincts. While none of us is perfect, and sometimes we are in fact oversensitive due to baggage in our own past, your reactions or defense mechanisms are a clear indication that it could be abusive.
Even if you are reacting the way you are because of past experiences that have nothing to do with your spouse or partner, if he or she won’t talk to you rationally or compassionately about it, your relationship needs some professional help.
An abusive relationship should not be endured. Keep in mind, however, if you tell your partner that you’re going to leave, he or she will promise you the moon and stars to keep you.
As a psychotherapist focusing on couples therapy, I have worked with many couples in which one or even both of the partners demonstrated some of the behaviors above. Loving people can fall into bad habits that they need help overcoming. So even if there is some abuse going on, don’t give up on the relationship.
However, if there is a much more serious underlying problem, such as the conditions I mentioned, you need a counselor’s help to determine how you can manage the situation or safely leave it. Please contact me today at (917) 331-6075 to see how I can help you and your partner take the right steps for a healthy and safe future.