Losing a child is one of the most devastating experiences any parent can go through. This includes losing a baby before birth. And one of the hardest aspects of pregnancy loss is that friends and family may not understand the depth of your pain. In order to move forward in a healthy manner, you need to process your feelings. Sometimes professional counseling can help you and your partner during this difficult time. Openness and self-kindness are the keys to healing.
First step: Admit your feelings – all of them
You may feel guilty about moving forward after a pregnancy loss, as if you are somehow being unfair to your child. But moving forward isn’t the same as moving on. Moving on implies forgetting, and putting something behind you. Moving forward means remembering the past, including those you have lost, and moving into the future with them as part of your life. Your baby will always be part of your life. The goal is to integrate your child in a healthy manner so that you can go on living.
Grief goes through stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may feel some of these emotions more than others, but recognize them and be prepared to discuss them with your partner or another trusted person. But remember that your partner is grieving too. They may be grieving differently than you, but know that they are. It may be helpful to get some couples’ counseling to help you talk to each other about how you’re feeling and what each of you needs from the other. This is how you will heal, both individually and as a couple, and be stronger together.
For women, remember that some of your emotions are actually grounded in the hormonal changes your body is going through. Be gentle with yourself and recognize that what you are experiencing could be partly physical. A medical doctor or naturopath may be able to help.
You may find yourself trying to understand “why.” As you do this, you may start blaming yourself, hating yourself or your body. This is an unhealthy road to take. Talking to a counselor who is experienced in pregnancy loss grief will help you avoid this negative thought process.
Address triggers
At some point, when you are beginning to understand and manage your emotions, you will need to address the triggers that bring you back to painful memories. It may be helpful to do this together with your partner or with a counselor. In order to take the power away from a trigger, you need to address it intentionally – whether it’s a place, a song, a blanket or clothes you prepared for the baby, or the baby’s ultrasound pictures.
Celebrate your baby
Your child will always be a part of your life. Hold a memorial event of some kind, celebrating your child’s life. Invite a few close friends and family, or just keep it between you and your partner. If you have other children, include them in the process if they are old enough to understand.
Create a memorial, speak words of love to your baby, and create a memory that can bring a bittersweet smile to the two of you as you remember your child. Many parents name their child. This process can help you recognize that your child is part of your family, even if he or she was with you for only a short time. Celebrate your child.
Set up boundaries
It may take you some time to reach this point. Therefore, be kind to yourself just as you would be kind to someone else going through a pregnancy loss. Set up boundaries and share them with your friends and family. You may wish to let them know what you’re feeling and that you are not yet ready to talk about it. You may not yet be comfortable being around pregnant women or families with small children. Let them know that it’s not a snub, it’s a part of your grieving process.
That said, don’t allow yourself to withdraw, especially from your partner. You may each grieve differently, but you need to grow stronger together during this period. Couples’ grief counseling can help.
Take care of your health
It should go without saying, but it needs to be said: take care of your health in order to heal. Get plenty of rest. If you’re having trouble sleeping, look for natural methods, such as relaxation techniques or soothing herb teas, but if they don’t work for you, talk to your medical doctor. It’s important that your brain and body get the proper rest they need to recover physically and mentally. A healthy diet and exercise are also critical.
If you’re experiencing grief from a pregnancy loss, please do not struggle through it alone. If you’re in the New York City area, contact me. I specialize in couples counseling, infertility counseling, and grief counseling. We can work together to help you deal with pain and grief, and taking the next steps to move forward.