As a couples therapist in New York City, I frequently hear people complain about the partner’s use of social media: “I’m right here but she’s on her phone.” “He’s always on his phone.” Both men and women are equally likely to spend more time on their phones than their partner would like.
The ability to carry a computer around in one’s pocket is a sudden, new technology that it has impacted society and culture in ways we are just now beginning to realize. Psychologists, sociologists, and medical researchers are studying this new phenomenon and the impact it has on our mental health, our physical health, our relationships, and our culture.
There’s no question that the smartphone has impacted every aspect of our existence, and in some ways very positively. We have questions answered almost instantly; we have directions to anywhere we want to go at the touch of a button; and we can contact people from all around the world at a moment’s notice, people we may never have known.
But while social media and the smartphone keep us connected with others far from us, it can also drive a wedge in relationships with those who are closest to us.
How the cell phone hurts relationships
Whether we’re scrolling through social media, checking our emails, or texting someone, we spend a great deal of time on our phones. Just their presence is a distraction, drawing us away from those nearby.
One fascinating study found that just the presence of a cell phone in a room, even out of a direct line of sight but nearby, significantly and negatively impacted the ability of two people to discuss something meaningful. By contrast, interacting without a cell phone nearby fostered closeness, connectedness, interpersonal trust, and perceptions of empathy.
A variety of other problems are associated with the smartphone and social media:
- Looking at the phone, responding to a text, or a notification from social media while talking to someone sends the message that whatever is on the phone is more important than the person in front of you.
- Spending a lot of time on the phone instead of engaging in person can cause people to have lower social intelligence – the ability to “read” people, understand subtle cues, and feel a connection with others. This makes it more difficult to build deep relationships. Because of this, relationships require much more work.
- People can equate texting someone with actually communicating, thus decreasing in-person contact. Texts can also be used as a substitute for saying the hard things in person that need to be talked out in a loving way.
- Sharing personal information on social media without your partner’s permission can cause resentment and hurt feelings.
- Social media triggers insecurities that harm the relationship, particularly with regard to body image in young people. Feelings of dislike of their own bodies can cause young people to have difficulty in relationships and intimacy because of their low self-image.
- Social media use is linked to increased self-involvement, as well as low self-esteem. Constantly wanting to tweet, post selfies, or share about oneself can perpetuate the sense of lack of value.
- Social media can provide a dopamine rush, causing quiet moments with a loved one to seem boring and unsatisfying.
Internet addiction or social media addiction, while not yet listed as an official disorder, is nonetheless a reality that can truly damage a person’s life and relationships. But even if your use of social media and the cell phone is not to the point of addiction, everyone should take steps to limit use, for our own mental, physical, and emotional health and for the health and strength of our relationships.
Tips to help your relationship grow in the cell phone age
Here are a few steps to responsible cell phone use:
- Turn off notifications. One study found that smartphone notifications produced a decline in task performance and negatively impacted cognitive function and concentration.
- Set a time to look at your phone during the day and include a time limit. You may wish to decide to check your phone before work, at lunch, and after dinner for 20 minutes each time. The short period of time means you look less online, limiting the negative mental and emotional impacts while increasing your time spent with others and with healthy hobbies.
- Choose a time to detox from the phone and especially from social media. Some couples decide not to look at the phone all weekend and focus on each other.
- Talk with your spouse or partner about boundaries regarding what is shared on social media and when a text can take the place of a call or a visit.
- Ask yourself some tough questions: What does social media give me that my partner does not? Is it something I actually need? If so, how can I get it from my partner rather than from a piece of technology?
These steps can be very difficult to take. I can help you work through these important questions and develop new habits of thought and behavior to discover a balance between your or your partner’s use of the cell phone. If you’re in or near the NYC area, call me to see how I can help.