The old saying, “To err is human, to forgive, divine” has a great deal of truth to it. We all make mistakes, both large and small, and most of us have been taught as children to acknowledge our mistakes and ask for the forgiveness of someone we have hurt. We are also taught to be willing to forgive others when they hurt us. However, we are rarely taught to extend that same forgiveness to ourselves. Because of this, by the time we’re adults, most of us have accumulated a significant amount of personal guilt that can affect the way we feel about ourselves and the way we interact with others.
Forgiving ourselves can seem more difficult than forgiving others. As a psychotherapist with a background in social work, I have helped many people develop the skills it takes to forgive themselves and move on. Below I highlight some basic steps to self-forgiveness.
Why is forgiving ourselves so difficult? It’s because we believe we have failed in our own self-identity or our strongly-held values. We are angry at ourselves for that failure, but we’re also disappointed, ashamed, even humiliated. When we feel this way, we might try to suppress these feelings in order to cope, or we may constantly play the mistake over and over in our minds, further punishing ourselves. Both tendencies are very self-destructive.
While you may feel that you deserve to be punished and are thus inflicting that punishment upon yourself, what you actually deserve is compassion – that same compassion that you were taught to extend to others who regret their mistakes.
Face your mistakes objectively
The first step to self-forgiveness and moving forward is to think through exactly what happened that has caused you the regret. Think it through and write it down in a nonbiased, objective way. Include all extenuating circumstances. Do not use inflammatory or emotional terms such as “I then stupidly said…” Keep it objective – “I replied…”
Write down the kinds of thought patterns that you tend to fall into. When certain stimuli occur, do you remember your past regret and start to relive it? Do you start the “I’m such a horrible person” record playing over and over in your head? Do you take a physical action of self-harm, like start to pull on your hair or drink alcohol when you start to feel terrible? Examine your actions, both mental and physical. You may want to keep your notebook handy so you can write down your responses in real-time, next time you have thoughts of regret.
Next, acknowledge that you are not perfect. You are continually learning, just as we all are. Write down what you wish you had known then and what you know now – specifically, what you learned from this mistake. This infuses the mistake with purpose and gives you the knowledge you need to avoid the same mistake in the future.
Finally, consider what you might be able to do to make amends. Is there someone you need to apologize to? If you caused physical damage, perhaps by stealing something, can you replace the item? If it’s not possible to make reparation to the particular person or repair the actual damage, can you make a contribution or perform an act of charity in that person’s honor? Think about something concrete that can demonstrate your act of acknowledging your mistake, making amends, and moving forward.
Once you’ve gone through this evaluation, go through it all out loud. Describe out loud the mistake that you made, acknowledge your emotions, and state out loud the coping mechanisms you have developed around it. State what you plan to do to make amends and what lessons you learned about yourself and about life that you hope to apply in the future. Also, state out loud that you will be gentle with yourself if you fall into this mistake again. This is common when we have a personality weakness, such as anger, which cannot be eliminated overnight. Declare that you will continue to work to learn the opposite virtue, in this case, patience, and what you will do when you fail in the future: immediately acknowledge your mistake, apologize, and grow.
It’s important to do this out loud. This helps create a definite space in time that you can orient your life around. “On this day, at this time, I acknowledged my mistakes and my feelings and learned to forgive myself.” With this time period as a definite moment in the past, you can begin to move forward. If you have a good friend whom you trust, you can do this with him or her, making the event even more memorable. This is your chance to start turning over a new leaf.
Ongoing self-forgiveness
You have taken the most important first step. Now you will need to guard against falling back into the patterns of thought and behavior in the future, as you continue to grow and learn how to become the person that you aspire to be.
Develop the skills to interrupt your negative thought patterns, silencing your inner critic. Show yourself the same compassion that you would show a friend if he or she were in your situation. Take a lesson from mindful parenting techniques, and tell yourself, “I don’t love what you did, but I love you. We can fix this.”
Speak to a professional. Some people find comfort in speaking to a spiritual authority, such as a priest or other religious leader. This can provide help from a spiritual perspective, which can often lift much of the burden, especially if you feel you need to make amends with God. Even in these cases, following up with a professional counselor is often an important step.
If you are in the New York City area and you need help with this process or with replacing negative thought patterns with positive, self-affirming thoughts, contact me.