Trust is critical for any healthy relationship, and that includes the relationship with yourself. You are your own best friend. You are the only person who will be going through all of life with you, the person who should know you the best. Sometimes, though, we realize we don’t really know ourselves very well, or we have developed an opinion of ourselves that is not healthy.
There are many people who seek out help to explore a fundamental problem with self-trust. By developing self-trust, clients can heal in other areas, as well. Trusting yourself is crucial for your mental, emotional, relational, and physical well-being.
When you don’t trust yourself
Most of us don’t go around saying, “I don’t trust myself.” So how do you know if you don’t? Here are a few red flags:
- Inability to make decisions or second-guessing every decision you make
- Needing others to affirm your decisions before taking steps. This may masquerade as team-building or consensus-building, but you don’t need to do that for your personal life (unless you have a family that will be impacted)
- Not sticking up for yourself
- Having low self-esteem or low self-confidence
- Having a negative internal voice, sometimes spoken out loud – “Dummy! You screwed up again!” “I’m so stupid!”
- Avoiding self-reflection, afraid of what you may find
- Needing people around all the time to avoid being alone with yourself – may masquerade as being extroverted or friendly
- Needing to stay busy so you don’t have to be alone with your thoughts or feelings – may masquerade as “Type A” personality, workaholic, or industrious
- Believing everyone else’s ideas or answers but not your own
- Living with regret over past decisions, paralyzing future decisions
- Perfectionism, which prevents you from completing projects or making decisions that might be wrong
- Fear of making mistakes
- Anxiety about consequences that may occur with any of the possible choices you have when you have to make a decision
Healing and rebuilding confidence and trust
We are not born mistrusting ourselves. Most babies and small children try new things with confidence and joy, whether it’s learning to walk, feeding themselves, or piling blocks. They try and try again until they get it, and they usually have the encouragement of those around them. But over time, most of us have experiences that cause us to begin to doubt ourselves. We develop habits of thought and behavior that further engrain that doubt in our hearts.
The good news is, if self-doubt has been learned over time, it can be unlearned. It takes effort, and it usually takes a trained counselor to help you recognize those patterns of behavior and thought that are keeping you trapped. But it can be done.
Start by recognizing that we don’t have value based on what we do. We have value simply because we are. YOU have value. YOU matter. And YOU are enough, just as you are. Begin by affirming that to yourself, out loud and in front of a mirror. If you can’t start there, start by saying it to yourself, then out loud quietly, then, when comfortable, looking yourself in the eye and saying:
“I am a valuable human being. I have value simply by being me. I am enough as I am. I don’t need to be more. I have worth, and I can trust myself.”
You may feel like you’re lying to yourself at first, but you’re not. If it makes it feel more honest, you can add:
“I may not feel it right now, but it’s the truth, and I will feel it eventually.”
Affirming your value is the first step to loving yourself and trusting yourself. This statement does not say that you are perfect as you are; it says you are enough. You have value. Maybe you still have things about yourself that need work. But guess what? We all do. Once you value yourself, you will have the confidence to work on those areas that need improving.
If it helps, think of it this way: A very historic house or a classic car may need to be fixed up, but it has value as it is. You are worth more than any building or vehicle. You are a unique, special, valuable human being who has great worth. It’s time to believe that about yourself.
This is the first step to healing and trusting yourself. I walk my clients through the next steps when they come to me for help. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to see if I can help you. If not, find someone nearby who is trained to help clients build self-esteem, self-trust, and self-love so they can reach their full potential and be their own lifelong best friend.