Bored and Stuck at Home? Ideas for Your Mental and Emotional Health

Posted on January 5, 2021 by Alisa Hafkin

Life isn’t returning to normal very quickly in various parts of the country, including here in NYC. People living in urban areas, in particular, tend to be accustomed to having lots of exciting activities to engage in outside of their homes, but that’s not possible right now. Playhouses, movie theaters, and professional sports venues are mostly closed; gyms, too, are closed or considerably restricted; restaurants may allow outdoor seating with limited capacity, but as it gets colder, fewer people will want to eat al fresco. Face-to-face book clubs, sports clubs, and other group activities aren’t happening. So what can you do to get out of the house, stay active, and maintain your mental and emotional health? 

Hobbies and Pastimes for Mental and Emotional Health in COVID-19 Times

Yes, time spent watching TV or surfing the web has increased dramatically in the last few months, but I don’t recommend these as particularly good for mental health. There’s so much on mass media that can drag one down, and it does not generally engage the brain or the body. These are two important factors for mental health – engaging the brain and the body. Many people are picking up new hobbies that address both of these important factors. 

Exercise comes in many forms: working out with a work-out video or channel, doing yoga, taking walks in the park or walking the dog, and bicycling are excellent options. Science has clearly proven that exercise does wonders for emotional well-being. Getting out of the house, soaking up vitamin D from the sun, and breathing in fresh air are very good for your physical health, in addition to the benefits to your muscles from the exercise. 

Other activities that engage the brain include word puzzles, reading, writing a book or poetry, learning a new language, and learning an instrument. Hobbies like knitting, crocheting, and other crafts can be fun and relaxing, as are gardening and baking, which may exercise new muscles or new areas of the brain as you work to master any of these activities.

I recommend you pick up an activity or two in both categories so that you exercise both your body and your mind. 

If you are partnered, married or have children, I recommend you also come up with some fun things you can do with your family. Board games, picnics, creating your own family reading and discussion group, playing Frisbee or some other simple sport as a family – all these will add the dimension of strengthening family bonds.

Other Benefits

Hobbies and pastimes do more for you than just keep your brain and body from turning to mush. They make you a more well-rounded person and add new layers to your personality and your own self-identity. They can expand your circle of friends and connections. The skills you learn, along with the exercise to your brain, may help you in your career path and develop motivation and creativity. When we’re stuck at home with limited activities, these activities can help you structure your time, decrease boredom, and give you something to look forward to after a tough day.

As I have encouraged my clients as well as readers of my blog articles, it’s very important to develop a mindset of finding the best in every situation. Though the shutdowns have been painful in many ways, we don’t have to be victims. Take the time to develop some new interests or pick up old interests and nurture your relationships. You might find that these times have hidden blessings!

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Exhaustion of Infertility

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

If you’re struggling with the issue of infertility, you know how emotionally exhausting it can be. Pressures can come from within and without, often from people who love you the most and who mean well. It’s critical for you to guard your mental health in order to guard your physical health and increase the possibility of healing infertility.

Exterior pressures

The medical interventions available to help couples overcome fertility issues run a broad range of levels, from following simple medical recommendations to pharmaceuticals and surgery. Some protocols can feel invasive and demeaning, or may eliminate the spontaneity and joy that should accompany love-making.

Having to be constantly vigilant and aware of your body in order to follow medical advice can create a sense of stress, always being in the “fight or flight” mode. If you’re taking medications, some of them also affect mood. Being aware of these side effects may help you remain calmer. When you can say to yourself, “These feelings are just caused by the medication” or “These feelings are just caused by the heightened awareness I’m in right now” you may be able to step outside of your feelings and realize they are not really “you.” 

Other exterior pressures can come from friends and family, who often are trying to be helpful, but other times may be downright rude. Asking “Are you pregnant yet?” is insensitive. In these situations, if you can do so calmly, try to let the person know how you feel. If the person is a friend, he or she will understand and be more sensitive in the future. If not, it might be best to try to avoid that person. You need to surround yourself with supporters, not detractors. 

Other times loved ones may offer a suggestion they read about that helps infertility. This is intended as a kindness. I have had clients who really appreciate these suggestions, but others who feel additional pressure from them. Whichever your response, I encourage you to keep in mind the person’s good intentions and try to discuss as needed so the suggestions are truly helpful, not adding to your anxiety. 

Interior pressures

No matter who we are, we need to be aware of our own self-talk and adjust it to be self-supportive, not self-defeating. This is especially true for those dealing with infertility. Feeling worthless or undeserving, blaming yourself for some past behavior that you perceive may have caused the fertility problems, and experiencing jealousy or sorrow upon seeing couples with children are all common reactions but they are also unhealthy. It’s critical that you learn ways to turn these thoughts around so they do not drag you down. 

We can also sometimes transfer our own emotions to others. In doing so, you are amplifying your own negative feelings by applying them to someone else. For example, you may feel terrible about disappointing your spouse. While your spouse may indeed be disappointed, your own disappointment may be amplifying your perception. Your spouse loves you and therefore is probably more concerned about you than you realize. 

If you are dealing with these kinds of emotionally exhausting and unhealthy thought patterns and are unable to find ways to control and redirect your thoughts, please reach out for help. It’s important to have a strong bond of communication with your spouse, but you may also want to find an infertility support group or a counselor who specializes in helping couples struggling with infertility. Reach out to me if you are in the NYC area to see how I can help you.

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Centering When You Feel Anxious

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

There are many techniques to help you calm down when you feel your anxiety level rising. Almost all of them include deep breathing. This is something most people don’t know how to do, so before I suggest some anxiety-busting techniques, let’s review breathing. 

How to breathe deeply

Unless you’ve been trained as a singer or you play an instrument like the trumpet, you may not know about breathing from the diaphragm. Most of us breathe fairly shallowly throughout the day, and when we get anxious, our breaths become even shorter and shallower. This is why paying attention to your breathing is a part of almost every centering or relaxation technique. Here’s what you need to do:

  • Breathe in deeply and slowly through your nose
  • Let your breath expand your ribcage and your abdomen. If your shoulders are rising but your belly is not, you probably aren’t breathing deeply. Your shoulders and upper rib cage should stay put. Let the lower part of your ribcage and abdomen expand. It may not look attractive to you to see your belly stick out while breathing in, but that’s what you want.
  • Placing one hand on your chest and one hand on your abdomen can help you judge that you are breathing correctly.
  • When you can’t breathe in anymore, slowly exhale from your mouth (or nose, if you prefer) 

Deep breathing brings more oxygen to the brain and muscles, slows the heart rate, relaxes muscles, and improves clear thinking. 

Centering techniques

Below are a few choices of centering techniques, which are best combined with deep breathing. You can stop anxiety in its tracks when you find a couple of techniques that really work for you. 

5-4-3-2-1 method: Close your eyes briefly while breathing deeply, then open your eyes and name 5 things you see, then 4 things you feel, then 3 things you hear, then 2 things you smell, then 1 thing you taste (maybe keep something yummy handy so you taste something other than your own mouth). Take your time and enjoy this process. 

A simpler counting method: A simpler method is just to name, out loud, 3 things you can see, 3 sounds you can hear, etc., until you’ve interrupted your anxious thoughts and begun to calm down. (Remember to breathe deeply!)

Count backward out loud: To stop your brain from racing, sometimes just counting out loud backward from 5 or 10 can help. Counting backward takes a little thought, but not too much stress, and saying it out loud distracts your senses. If you need a greater distraction, try counting backward by 7s starting at 100. That takes more concentration and helps many people calm racing thoughts. 

Talk honestly but positively to yourself: Again out loud, offer yourself simple, positive affirmations: “I’m having feelings I don’t like right now, but they are beginning to disappear as I relax and I will be fine.” “I know I’m feeling worried, but things usually turn out fine, so I’m not going to worry about this.” “Yes, this is upsetting, but I am not helpless.” Recognize your feelings but affirm, out loud, that you are not helpless. They are just emotions. Though they feel like they control you when they’re happening, you have the will to overcome them. 

Relax and focus: Sit in a comfortable chair in a comfortable environment. Focus on what you are feeling physically. Feel the chair or the floor. Rub the fabric with your hands and pay attention to it. Think about your senses, not other thoughts. Then imagine your stress, like water, draining out of you from your head and out through your toes. 

Get your adrenaline pumping:  An alternative to relaxing is to get your blood pumping! Exercise is one of the very best methods to decrease anxiety and worry. If you can add a favorite person or a pet to your exercise, so much the better. Walking a dog gets you out in the fresh air getting exercise with a four-legged friend who loves you. 

Sometimes you need more help

Find which of these techniques work best for you. There are many others, as well, so don’t give up hope; you can find peace. But if the various techniques don’t help you enough and you continue to have problems with excessive anxiety, don’t suffer alone. Find a helpful friend, support group, or professional counselor or psychologist trained in helping people with anxiety. If you are in the NYC area, reach out to me to see what I can do to help you overcome anxiety in your life.

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Range of Emotions in Dealing with Infertility

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

Infertility is for most couples an emotional roller coaster. Each month, or after each infertility treatment, there is some hope that this time they will conceive, often to be disappointed once again. Many couples who struggle with infertility do, eventually, conceive and have a healthy child, but the process causes much emotional upheaval, which should not be ignored if the couple is to be healthy and strong for the new baby – or to remain strong together even if no baby ultimately arrives.

Although the general perception of infertility is that it is usually an inadequacy in the woman’s body, the cause of infertility is actually quite evenly split between the man, the woman, a combination of the two, or unknown causes. Both men and women experience emotional stress from infertility, though in different ways or in differing degrees. Some common feelings include feeling inadequate because you can’t conceive; feeling guilty because you can’t give your spouse a child; depression or anxiety; even anger at your spouse if it is his or her physical problem causing the infertility.

Couples struggling with infertility often compare themselves with couples who have children. It’s hard not to. But this can accentuate feelings of loss and even cause envy, damaging relationships with those who have children. Couples can even feel judged by society, believing that people think they’re selfish for not having children or inadequate for not being able to.

Feelings of rejection are common: rejected by God, rejected by your spouse, rejected by your family or community because you can’t have a baby. You may wonder if you don’t deserve a child, if you’re somehow unworthy, or you may blame some past behavior for your fertility issues. This blame game can be very toxic and harmful to oneself and loved ones.

You may be mad at or even hate your body, or begin to feel like you’re chronically “ill” because you spend so much time at fertility treatments or thinking about your body’s functions. Medication side effects can affect your mental health – anxiety, sleep problems, mood swings, depression, and thinking problems are common. Treatment failure may renew your feelings of grief and failure. Infertility treatments are expensive, which may cause financial stress, leading to emotional or marital stress as well. At some point, one spouse may be ready to stop trying while the other wants to continue, thus compounding the problem.

If infertility causes marital stress, you might believe that everything will be all right if you just have a child. This is not always the case in that the emotional stress couples endure throughout fertility treatment and pregnancy can be carried over into parenthood. It is imperative to find ways to heal and strengthen your relationship, with or without a child.

A counselor who has expertise in assisting couples with infertility is your partner in helping you learn how to cope with fertility-related stress. Stress caused by infertility is different from many other causes and should be addressed with a somewhat different approach. The key factors in helping couples include, among others, developing a sense of optimism, feelings of control over their bodies and their environment, and a broader outlook on life and relationships. Find a marriage counselor who has experience with fertility issues. If you are in the New York City area, contact me to see how I can help you.

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When It May Be Time to Leave Your Marriage

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

The decision to leave a marriage is always a difficult one and should never be taken lightly. As a marriage counselor, I have seen many marriages healed that seemed on the verge of ruin. Sadly, though, some marriages cannot be saved. I have found several situations that tend to be the most difficult to overcome. 

Serial cheating: One act of infidelity can be devastating to the spouse who was betrayed, but when couples come to me after infidelity, the one who stepped outside the marriage is sometimes quite remorseful and wants to change. If the spouse who was betrayed can forgive and learn to trust again, the marriage can flourish. But when a spouse does not take his or her commitment to the other spouse seriously and has no intention of remaining faithful, or if a spouse repeatedly falls into infidelity even after promising to stop, this may be a sign that the marriage cannot be saved. 

Cut-throat relationship: When a couple is always at each other’s throats, it can be very difficult to teach them both how to communicate and disagree in a thoughtful, caring, considerate, and respectful manner. Often, this kind of behavior is a source of anxiety or depression for one or both spouses. If this is not corrected, there can be serious mental health consequences, not just for them but for any children they may have. 

Financial ruin caused by the reckless behavior of one spouse: There are incidences when one spouse spends indiscriminately, gambles excessively, or repeatedly leads the family into bankruptcy with failed business endeavors. If that spouse cannot develop restraint and put the financial needs of the family first, then divorce may be necessary in order to keep the family out of poverty. 

Abuse: If one spouse is physically abusing the other spouse or the children, it is critical to get out of the dangerous situation immediately. Emotional abuse and manipulation may have a degree of subjectivity – people have differing degrees of tolerance – but no one deserves to be controlled, belittled, or insulted on a regular basis.

One spouse simply does not want to try: Whatever problems a couple may be having, if both want to fix the marriage, chances are good that it can be repaired and love restored. However, if one spouse simply does not care, does not want to try, or blames the other spouse for all the problems, there is not much that can be done. The spouse who wants to work on the marriage may want to get personal counseling in order to judge clearly what would be the best next step to take.

 As a counselor, it is not my place to recommend divorce to my clients. That is a decision they must come to on their own, though I always encourage couples to try counseling first and to consider divorce only as a last resort—except in the case of physical abuse, in which case one should immediately get to safety. 

Balance the degree of marital dysfunction against the amount of upheaval divorce would cause and the degree of healing that is possible. Then come to the decision that is right for you.

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Finances: The Hot Button for Couples and What You Can Do About It

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

Money is one of the leading causes of stress and conflict in a marriage. Entering into a marriage with debt and a lack of complete honesty about money are two factors that cause stress. Blending families can add additional financial pressures, such as child support payments. But one of the most important factors in money conflict, I have found, is differing “money personalities.”

People’s attitudes towards money are strongly affected by their personalities and their experiences. Often, the way a person’s parents dealt with money will frame that person’s response to money as an adult. There are a variety of ways to define money personalities, such as spenders, savers, those who see money as a status symbol, those who see it as a means of security, and those who see it as a means to help others. All of these personality types have positive and negative sides, and most people straddle different styles. The challenge for a married couple is for each of you to understand your relationships with money, then determine how those can be blended for a healthy shared view of money. 

Strategies for overcoming money differences

Sit down together and lay everything out on the table – figuratively and literally. You’ll need to discuss your emotional response to money and be ready with details of your income, expenses, and debts. 

First, have a little fun with finding out your money styles. There are lots of different “money quizzes” online, but remember that they tend to have an “all or nothing” approach – you’re either this or that, when in fact, most of us are a blend of types. Take the quizzes with a grain of salt and let them be a chance to laugh together and a springboard for deeper discussion. 

It’s important to treat each other with respect as you go through this process. Some of the reasons for our money usages can actually be very sensitive. For instance, if a man grew up with parents who were constantly worrying about money and never seemed to have enough, he may demonstrate an intense need to save, even when he has plenty of money, because of the fear and insecurity he learned as a child. On the other hand, he might become a spender, not wanting to experience that sense of deprivation ever again. 

Once you both understand each other better, you can look at your finances. A healthy corporation will not remain a healthy corporation for long without clear financial statements, financial goals, and financial budgets. Neither will a marriage. Sit down at least yearly to discuss your goals for the short-term, mid-term, and long-term. When you know your big picture plans, you can make a budget, occasionally reviewing it for accuracy. Include saving for the future, but also include some “fun money” in the budget. 

Lay some ground rules. Decide what expenditures should be discussed before they occur and which ones can be made without discussion. If one of you is more of a spender than the other, try to find a happy medium. You may also consider a separate “fun money” budget for each of you. But it’s important to stay within the allotted amount and not go over it without first discussing it with your spouse.

If you and your spouse have very opposing styles – for instance, one’s a saver and one’s a spender – you will have to work very hard to develop a plan for financial harmony. However, most couples should be able to find a happy medium. Some even gradually redirect a money style. A husband who saves because of childhood poverty could be encouraged to turn his experiences into a combination of developing good saving strategies while also budgeting an allowance to help others in poverty. 

Get help working through your budget – and your marriage

If you’re having trouble working through the process, don’t hesitate to get help. Some of you might benefit from the help of a financial planner. Other couples might benefit from the guidance of a religious leader or a support group. Others may find their marriage needs the help of a counselor. Whatever you need, reach out for support to eliminate money as a source of friction in your marriage.

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Maintaining Mental Health During Social Unrest

Posted on October 21, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

If you are feeling emotionally imbalanced due to the recent unrest across the nation and locally, you aren’t alone. Recent studies indicate that one-third of American adults have experienced feelings of anxiety or depression over the pandemic. Now, add to that the sustained violence that has been infecting so many communities in recent weeks and that number has probably increased. But there are things you can do to help weather the storm in relative peace.

As I tell all my patients – as well as friends and family – one of the most important factors of mental health is our physical health: a nutritious diet, sufficient sleep, and regular exercise, 3-5 times per week, preferably outside. If you do these things, you will find it much easier to maintain a sense of calm.

However, especially if you have been personally affected by the pandemic or the unrest in the city, you will need more than just a healthy lifestyle. You will need to take proactive steps to ward off or reverse feelings of anxiety or depression that may be creeping up on you.

Take a weekly mental health self-examination. How have you been feeling or behaving this past week? Have you been moody, short-tempered, or more sensitive than normal? Or maybe that is your new normal? How have you been sleeping? Eating? Are you keeping your routine, or have you lost interest in things, feeling “blah” or unmotivated? These behaviors or feelings could all be signs that your mental health has been compromised. Try these strategies:

  • Go on an “information diet.” Have a time limit for reading/watching information about the pandemic, the social unrest, or whatever else may be disturbing you. And even if you have a time limit, if on a particular day you are feeling particularly vulnerable, don’t turn on the news or check your newsfeed! Focus on your own health and decide in favor of your own peace. You can’t help anyone if you can’t help yourself.
  • Think about the present moment, where you are right now. This is called “mindfulness.” It is very relaxing to stop and pay attention to your senses, what you’re hearing, feeling, touching… this is especially valuable if you place yourself in an atmosphere that is pleasant to you: in a park with trees and birds or in a quiet room with restful music and a soft chair.
  • Practice deep breathing exercises to calm your mind or your heart rate. Prayer has been found to help reduce anxiety and increase feelings of peace. Gratitude lists, new hobbies (and I don’t mean binge-watching a new TV show), decluttering, and brain games are all ways to distract yourself by filling your mind with positive thoughts or valuable new knowledge.
  • Reach out to others for positive personal interactions. Hang out with friends. Find people who can support you when you’re feeling anxious and help direct you to more peaceful feelings. It can be difficult to choose some of the activities I listed above on one’s own. If you have a friend or support group, you can get encouragement and accountability to help you stay on a healthy path.

If you try these strategies and you’re still feeling significant anxiety or depression, reach out to a professional who is an expert in helping people through traumatic experiences.

If there are any children in your life, be sure to watch them for any signs of stress or anxiety. You will need to be mentally healthy yourself in order to give them a sense of security and safety during this time.

If you have experienced violence, know that your feelings of anger or fear are natural responses based on our fight-or-flight instinct and that sometimes that instinct just doesn’t know when to turn off. Get professional help. Don’t wait. With the right thought patterns and actions, you can move forward, beyond the violence, and take back your mental peace.

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COVID-19 and Infertility: When Your Plans Are Put on Hold

Posted on July 9, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

During the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, all “non-essential” activities and businesses were closed, and non-emergency medical services were suspended. While for some people this shut-down was nothing more than an inconvenience, for others it was devastating – including infertile couples in the middle of fertility treatment.

Fertility treatment is an emotional rollercoaster for most couples. It requires a lot of psychological preparation and support during a difficult time, trying to maintain hope in the midst of uncertainty and disappointment. When things end abruptly and unexpectedly, feelings of anxiety and helplessness can escalate. If your fertility treatments have been delayed because of the COVID-19 shutdown, it’s more important than ever that you protect your mental health.

Feelings of anger, fear, helplessness, and anxiety are natural when your plans to build your family are put on hold. You may also feel that your window of opportunity is closing. Overcome these negative thoughts and feelings through healthy behaviors and thought patterns, and if needed, additional help from a support group or a professional. Here are some important steps to take for your emotional well-being:

  • Spend time with those you love. Surround yourself, either literally or virtually, with the people who understand you, love you, and can distract you from negative thought patterns. As the country begins to open up, take the time to visit with others while maintaining social distance.
  • Read or watch funny stories. People who laugh daily are physically and emotionally healthier. Joke books can help.
  • Take care of your physical health. Your physical and emotional health are closely intertwined. Eat a nutritious diet, exercise daily, and get plenty of sleep.
  • Pray or meditate. According to a study in Psychology Today, prayer offsets the negative health effects of stress, increases trust, and makes us more forgiving, self-controlled, and all-around nicer. Meditation comes in a number of forms, but the goal of meditation is to find serenity and calm and a new perspective on one’s situation.
  • Maintain strong communication lines. Don’t turn in on yourself. Talk with your spouse about your feelings. You are going through this together. Allow it to be a time in which you more deeply express your love for each other and work together to find coping mechanisms that make you both feel better.

Don’t forget to reach out for help if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Find a counselor near you who has expertise in helping people through the difficulties of fertility treatments. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help you.

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Rebuilding Your Life after Coronavirus

Posted on June 4, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

As the coronavirus case curves continue to flatten and decline, restrictions placed on our lives are beginning to ease. While we will still need to be careful for quite some time, the small steps toward the freedom we once enjoyed are encouraging. 

It’s natural to have some anxiety during this time, especially if you have uncertainty in both your personal and professional lives. You and your spouse may have had a very rough experience because of the quarantine. Maybe you were furloughed from your job or the company closed. Maybe you saw friends or loved ones sicken or die. Or maybe you saw people on social media who used the quarantine time to master yoga, read 100 books, or repaint their NYC condo. 

My first word of advice to you: do not compare your quarantine experience to anyone else’s. You have no idea what other factors were going on in other people’s lives. Remember, people generally only share the best parts of their lives on social media. Therefore, focus on your own situation and how to begin to get back to a healthy place emotionally, physically, and relationally. 

Continue to take precautions

It’s important to continue to follow the reasonable guidelines of healthcare professionals. In most instances, we are being asked to wear face masks and maintain a social distance of six feet when in public. Even as these requirements ease, if you feel more comfortable going out with a mask on, by all means, continue to follow whatever precautions you feel safest using, even if they are not required. 

Maintain your physical and mental health

It’s reasonable to have mixed emotions as restrictions are lifted. You may continue to worry about your own health and the health of loved ones. Or, on the flip side, people you know may continue to have worries when you don’t, which could cause hurt feelings and strained relationships. 

Maintaining emotional and physical health now is, for the most part, the same as any other time. However, keep in mind that everyone reacts differently to stressors, and we’re all under stress. Try not to allow yourself to be hurt by those who do not understand your precautions, and try not to be hurt when others are more cautious than you think is necessary. We will all get past this soon, and you do not want to damage any relationships over the level of health precautions you and others are taking. 

Your mental health and physical health are very closely intertwined. Good sleep habits and healthy nutrition are critical for good mental and emotional health. Certain mineral deficiencies, such as being low in iron or B12, can cause low moods. Excessive caffeine can make you jittery. Drinking, smoking, and other substances are often used to help a person cope but can develop into serious health problems. If you haven’t started to use them, don’t. If you have started to use them, stop. If you can’t stop easily, you may be developing an addiction, and I recommend you seek help. Freedom from addiction will have tremendous positive effects on your mental and physical health as well as your relationships. 

Exercise is another necessity that is as good for your mind as it is for your body. Most of us, especially in New York City, have been forced to be cooped up. As coronavirus restrictions are being lifted, we are encouraged to get outside as long as we are maintaining social distance. Find some form of exercise that you enjoy that will lift your spirits and improve your health. If you can get outside, so much the better – vitamin D, which we get from the sun, is incredibly helpful to mind and body, improving both our mood and cell function. 

Coping with your career and finances

Financial difficulty is a serious stressor that you may be struggling with right now. Fortunately, the government has set up a number of programs specifically to help people get back to work quickly, there is reasonable hope that the situation will start to improve. 

Reach out to your bank or local government office to see what programs you may qualify for. Doing so may give you some sense of control, which, along with the other techniques I mentioned above, is a powerful way to limit your emotional stress due to financial difficulties. 

Final advice

Remember that if you find yourself ruminating – thinking about fears or worries for an extended time – “switch the channel” in your thoughts. Consciously make the decision to think about something else. You may want to put on a movie or pick up a book you really enjoy to get your mind onto happier thoughts. 

Keep moving forward every single day. Take daily steps to begin to get back to normal, at a pace you feel comfortable with. And as I said in my first word of advice, I say again in my last word – don’t compare your quarantine experience with anyone else’s. Focus on you and your loved ones, and on making the transition to normalcy as pleasant as possible.

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Lessons from Marriage Counseling

Posted on May 20, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

One of the most important lessons I try to help my clients understand is that maintaining a long-term intimate relationship takes a lot of work, and the work is ongoing. It’s not like you can work on your marriage once and fix it. Life is in constant flux, and we need to be ready to adjust as needed to every new situation in life.

The idea of working hard all one’s life may seem scary. However, you will have to work hard all your life no matter what. So why not do so with a partner who can help you through it and make life more meaningful and fun? That’s what a good marriage can do. It’s worth the effort. 

Marriage can make you a better person. The efforts you and your spouse make to heal and help your relationship will make you both better people. Neither you nor your spouse will likely ever be perfect, but you can grow in virtues such as patience, understanding, compassion, and even a good sense of humor.

From a big-picture perspective, I help guide my couples to grow in several areas: communication skills; emotion and anger management; trigger recognition; development of mutual respect, empathy, and compassion; development of healthy problem-solving skills. 

Each of these big-picture goals has many aspects, and they are all interconnected, because we are complex, rational beings who often act irrationally. But a few of the aspects include:

Identifying triggers: We all have them, and they are generally grounded in painful past experiences. We might be able to consciously identify why something bothers us, and we might not. For instance, if you were teased a lot in school, you might feel hurt by what your husband thinks of as just joking around. Sometimes identifying the cause of the triggers can actually eliminate the triggers. However, for the most part, unless you heal past hurts, those triggers will remain, and you and your spouse need to be conscious of them and avoid them.

Recognizing that most marriage differences can’t actually be “fixed” and need to be managed: This is important. One of the greatest benefits of marriage is that very different people with different strengths are stronger together than apart because they fill up what the other might lack. However, these very different people also have different weaknesses, or simply different personality traits that might rub each other the wrong way. Triggers are included here, but it is broader than that. Developing methods to manage the differences with patience, love, and good humor is a critical component of counseling.

Managing emotions: Anger is often used to hide pain. Blame, stonewalling, and other poor emotional responses to stress or pain cause a great deal of damage to a marriage. I help couples recognize their unhealthy emotional reactions and develop communication skills that are softer and kinder, healing the pain and hurt in both spouses.

Looking to fix yourself, not your spouse: You have enough to work on. Be proactive and start with what you see that you can do to help make your marriage better. As my couples learn better communication skills and emotional responses, they are able to help each other more and find healthy answers to their problems. But each must be doing his or her part separately in order to have good success as the counseling progresses. 

You don’t have to be on the brink of divorce to seek out marriage counseling. In fact, the sooner you start after noticing your marriage is stressed, the better. If you are going through a family crisis such as job loss or a sick child, getting help at that time can give you the resources you need to avoid major damage and make you much stronger, just when you need each other the most. 

One last word of advice – if the first counselor you choose just doesn’t really click for you, try another. Your counselor should share your values and have a communication style and counseling approach that you feel comfortable with and that works for you. Don’t think “there’s no hope for my marriage!” just because one counselor wasn’t able to help. 

If you’re in the New York City area, reach out to me and let’s see if I can help you strengthen your marriage.

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