Work and Infertility

Posted on October 26, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Dealing with infertility can be an emotional roller coaster for individuals and couples dealing with it. Many people confronting infertility can feel guilt or shame, have a sense of failure or inadequacy, or even think they’re being punished by God for something they’ve done in the past. These emotions can be hard to hide, and in the work environment, especially if you’re working closely with a team, people will probably pick up on the fact that something is bothering you. 

In addition, you may have many doctor appointments, and if you’re receiving any hormonal treatments you may be experiencing physical or emotional side effects, such as exhaustion, headaches, or mood swings. These could all affect your availability at work and even your performance. 

The question is, how much do you share?

On the one hand, it’s your personal life and you are under no obligation to tell anyone. On the other hand, your supervisors and team may need to have some explanation if your emotions or your treatments are noticeably affecting your work. 

There is no one-size-fits-all answer regarding how much you should share and with whom. Office cultures are different and jobs are different. When I work with couples going through infertility, I discuss their work environments with them and help them work out what is right for their own unique situations.

You may find you need some accommodations in order to take your medications at the precise time, for instance, or to allow for personal days after having a fertility treatment that causes unpleasant side effects. This should be discussed with your supervisor and/or HR. But you do not need to tell anyone else if you don’t want to. 

Nonetheless, some people find that sharing that they are struggling with infertility creates a sense of genuine compassion and support among co-workers. You will have to consider your office environment when it comes to this, and remember, if you tell just a few people, someone will tell others, and soon everyone will know. Therefore, I usually encourage clients to keep the details to a minimum in the office environment.

You don’t owe anyone detailed explanations. This is your life and your process. Take time for yourself, especially after doctor appointments and phone calls that might not give the news you are hoping for. Protect yourself from oversharing and be prepared for times when you might break down. 

With whom should you share?

That said, you do need a few close people to confide in. My advice, however, is that those close people not be in the office. Of course, you must keep strong lines of communication with your partner. Surprisingly, it is not uncommon for couples to not talk to each other about their infertility very much. Again, partly it is the sheer weight of emotion, but partly it is a desire not to hurt the other by bringing up a sensitive subject. However, since this is something that so deeply affects both of you, it is important to discuss it. 

I have helped many couples grow closer together as they’ve worked through infertility and fertility treatments. With the right communication and emotional healing, your relationship can grow and become stronger. 

My advice, then, is to turn first to each other for support and share at work only what is necessary. If you need help strengthening your partnership or discerning how to deal with infertility in the work environment, contact me. I’d like to help.

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When You Don’t Agree

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

It’s normal and healthy for you and your spouse or partner to have different views and disagreements. After all, you’re individuals. Differences can often fill in gaps in each other’s nature. This is why we often hear the old adage “opposites attract.” 

How many couples do you know in which one is chatty and the other quiet? One is a little high-strung and the other is very mellow? One seems extroverted and the other introverted? We see it all the time in couples because the partners balance each other well and help each other develop a little of each other’s characteristics.

But these differences can also cause friction in the relationship. Conflicts come in different forms with different root causes. In minor disagreements, compromise is easy. But if your differences are based on core values and neither will compromise, chances are unlikely that the issue will continue to be problematic. 

Core values in a romantic relationship usually revolve around children, religion, moral beliefs, and intimacy. Compromising on one of these often creates resentment in the long run. As a couples therapist, I have helped couples find ways to strengthen their relationships without compromising these fundamental values, but it is challenging and requires focused work. 

That said, most other issues can be resolved or at least improved with respectful communication. 

Resolving differences

The first step in finding a solution is to start with gratitude and appreciation. Remember that you and your partner agree on many things. Focus on his or her admirable qualities. Assume that your partner has good intentions that you need to understand in order to address the situation productively. 

Ask your partner for a good time to talk to resolve the issue. Don’t just dive in. If you both decide on a future discussion time, you can each think through your position and any potential compromises ahead of time. Ask in an affirming way, so your partner knows it won’t be a “nag session.” 

As the saying goes, “Be curious, not furious.”  Try to see your partner’s point of view. Seek common ground. Even when on the surface it seems as if you strongly disagree, you are likely to find areas of overlap when you take the time to talk things out. This is where compromise and mutual respect can take root. 

An example: Differences regarding the pandemic

The Covid-19 pandemic has caused many conflicts with couples who hold very different views on the subject. I have seen married couples in which one spouse is very concerned and takes extensive precautions to keep the family safe while the other sees the illness as nothing more than another type of cold or flu. One spouse is ready to get every shot and booster and give them to the kids while the other thinks natural immunity is better and is very concerned about putting pharmaceuticals into the body, especially in children. One spouse believes and trusts the government and mainstream news while the other is very distrusting and believes it’s all about money and government control.

These differences are very real and they can be very heated because they come from our core values. But I have found over and over that both spouses are concerned about the welfare of the whole family. That is where the two very different views overlap, and this is where mutual respect and appreciation can grow and common ground can be found.

The first step would be for you to remind yourself that you love your spouse and your spouse has many positive qualities. You have come to agreements before and you can again. Approach your spouse and express these feelings first. You can say something like, “Honey, I know we’ve been disagreeing lately about the pandemic. I don’t want our relationship to be hurt by this disagreement, because I know you have our best interests at heart, as do I. We are just coming at things differently. But the conflict isn’t good for us or the kids, so when can we talk it out, hear out each other’s positions in a calm way, and try to come to some resolution?” 

The reaction may be knee-jerk: “We’ve talked about this enough already. I’m not going to wear a mask everywhere (or whatever).” Calmly and respectfully reply with a suggestion that while the two of you have disagreed before, you haven’t really discussed the issue. This conversation would be different. It would be intended to really understand the root of why each feels the way you do, to help the other understand. 

On extremely heated issues such as this, it can help to have a neutral third party present, such as a trained couples therapist. But if your spouse sees that you respect and want to understand his or her position, this will usually break down barriers and real progress can be made. 

In the case of Covid, discuss “what ifs.” What if one of the kids gets sick? What if one of you comes in contact with an infected person? Planning ahead can avoid conflicts when the events occur. 

Be prepared to make a compromise. Neither of you is likely to completely change your mind after the discussion, but if you can understand each other better and appreciate that you’re both acting out of love and a desire to protect the family, some middle-ground should be possible. 

This strategy can be used successfully for most disagreements. In some cases, however, you may have to live with your differences and allow them to “normalize.” You know you’ll always disagree on that issue, and it’s ok. Allow your love to be more important than your disagreements. If you need help with this, give me a call to see how I can help you reach the point of putting your relationship above your differences.

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Your Relationship After the Pandemic

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

There’s no question that the pandemic has had a significant impact on romantic relationships. For some, the 24/7 togetherness has made their relationship stronger. A greater appreciation of each other and a need to find things to do together has forged a deeper bond. But for many couples, the non-stop time together has caused a significant strain. 

The fact that your relationship has suffered does not automatically mean that it’s a bad relationship or that it wasn’t meant to be. It just means it needs some work. Some couples are able to give it the extra work on their own, while others need help from an experienced couples counselor. Either way, your relationship can improve if both parties are motivated to work on it. 

Why the strain?

We all have weaknesses and we all have quirks. We also have perfectly fine personality traits that can rub another perfectly fine person the wrong way. None of this is a bad thing. It’s part of being human. And in small doses, these issues can be manageable. But when there is no way to escape these weaknesses/quirks/traits and the problems are not addressed, relationships can suffer. 

Another possible stressor was boredom. If you were previously involved in a variety of extracurricular activities or had a group of friends you saw regularly, the loss of these activities and friendships could make one feel bored and lonely. 

We can’t forget, too, that the pandemic and lockdown themselves created a state of instability, even fear. No one really knew what was going on, when it would all end, and when we would be safe again. Some people got sick. Others lost loved ones but couldn’t visit them. This is a terrible emotional pain that can add to the trial. If you experienced fear or sadness and your partner was not as supportive as you needed, this could have damaged your relationship. 

Additional stressors included job loss or financial instability, issues with parenting when the children were also cooped up at home, trying to balance work and online schooling of children, and a host of other problems that arose during the lockdowns and the subsequent gradual reopening. 

These situations can cause anxiety, which presents itself as irritability, anger, edginess, sadness, fear, or depression. It can also decrease one’s interest in sexual relations, which adds yet another layer of stress to a relationship. 

Turning the situation around

Don’t let the pandemic and lockdowns doom your relationship. You can make it strong and vibrant again. Here are a few tips.

  • Handle boredom by finding a shared passion. Whether it’s cooking, exercise, a book series or tv show, or some other activity, work hard to find something you both enjoy and plan to engage in it frequently.
  • Arrange a little alone-time daily. The old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is often true. If you both work from home, work separately and come together for lunch. Then talk about your day and “go back to the office.” Find a way that works for you both, in your situation, and celebrate the time that you come back together again.
  • Address the hurts. This is something you may want to do with a counselor, but touch on it together first and you may find that discussing your pain and your feelings may really draw you closer together. You may think your partner will not understand or respond properly. You may be surprised.
  • Since the pandemic restrictions are lifting, start going out with friends again. Do those extracurriculars again. But don’t do them to “get away from” your spouse or partner. Draw him or her into the fun by sharing about it afterward. Again, celebrate your time together after you get home by sitting down together, talking, and sharing a drink or treat.
  • Start dating each other again. Reignite that flame.

These are just a few suggestions that can help strengthen your relationship after the strain of the pandemic and lockdowns. As a therapist working with couples struggling with a variety of stressful situations, I help couples build communication and understanding and reignite their love and passion. I have found that, when both partners want to make a relationship work, it can be done. If you need help strengthening your bond, give me a call to see how I can help.

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Feeling Stressed Versus Feeling Overwhelmed – Why It’s Important to Know the Difference

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Stress has become a part of modern life. That’s not a good thing. The feeling of stress is your mind’s way of telling you something is not right. However, with all the demands of modern life, most people don’t stop to examine those feelings and develop ways to eliminate or at least cope with stress in a healthy way. When this happens, stress worsens, our emotional and physical health tends to decline, our work and relationships suffer, and we may find ourselves in a state of overwhelm. Something needs to be done to stop the snowballing of stress in order to feel balanced and at peace. 

Stressed and overwhelmed defined

We often use the terms stressed and overwhelmed almost interchangeably, but they’re really two very different emotions. “Stress” means we’re feeling a great deal of pressure, external or internal, usually from multiple sources. When we’re stressed, we’re feeling uncomfortable, maybe worried, anxious, or concerned. Our emotions are running high, but we can still function. We may make small mistakes or snap at a loved one, but we recognize that it’s stress-related and try to make amends. 

When we’re overwhelmed, stress has reached such a point that we can’t take action. Emotions are so intense that one’s ability to think or act rationally is impacted. Signs of overwhelm may include disproportionately overreacting to stimuli, such as panicking when you can’t find something. It may include feeling physically ill or exhausted, having trouble focusing, and being unable to complete simple tasks. 

Watch your words

Dr. Brene Brown is a popular and highly acclaimed speaker and podcaster on the subjects of courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She points out that we should be very careful with our words. If we are feeling stressed – feeling pressure but still able to function and take action – we should not casually say “I’m so overwhelmed!” When we say that, we’re actually signaling the brain to shut down. 

What you can do

If you truly are on the verge of overwhelm, the most important thing you should do is nothing. That’s right, do nothing. Walk away from stressors for a short time. Don’t walk away and pick up your phone and start looking at social media. You’re just replacing one stressor with another. Literally, do nothing with your mind for a little while. Studies show that this allows your brain to “reset” so that you can go back and function. 

What counts as doing nothing? Taking a quiet walk outside; lying down in a quiet room with soothing instrumental music; sitting in a quiet place with your eyes closed sipping a favorite beverage; using meditation techniques or mindfulness techniques. These are some examples of what you can do to allow your brain to relax and reset. 

This is much easier said than done, as your mind will probably be wired and may turn to the problems that have led to your current state. Make every effort to choose relaxing “do-nothings” that don’t remind you of these things. For instance, don’t choose music with words to focus on or that evokes memories or negative emotions. And please don’t choose an alcoholic beverage or stimulant. Your goal is to calm down. Your mind will slowly unwind so that you can go back and face the work more effectively and calmly.

Avoiding feeling overwhelmed

Ideally, you should get your stress under control long before you’re on the verge of being overwhelmed. It’s important to develop methods of thought that help you prevent stress from getting out of hand. Here are some suggestions: 

  • Don’t wait until you are overwhelmed to take time for yourself. If you make it a part of your daily routine to “do nothing” for at least 15 minutes every day, you’ll find you can more easily cope with life’s stressors.
  • Take time out to evaluate the roots of your emotions and why certain situations or individuals cause you stress, worry, or anxiety. Then take appropriate actions to overcome them.
  • When stressors can’t be avoided, develop coping mechanisms, such as deep breathing; humor; relaxation exercises; or talking to a trusted friend, not to vent, but to find solutions or encouragement.

There are many ways to deal with stress so you don’t reach the point of overwhelm, but sometimes people need help finding those solutions. There is a great deal of information online, but not all of it is accurate or helpful. Support groups, especially in-person groups, can help, but avoid groups that devolve into gripe sessions. People mistakenly think venting or griping is “cathartic” but in fact, studies show it makes you feel worse. Healthy sharing includes seeking an understanding of root causes and solutions to avoid future problems. 

If you need help finding solutions that will help you live a less stressed life, reach out to me. As a psychotherapist, I help my clients explore their thoughts, history, and patterns in order to chart new paths and move forward.

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Emotional Abuse or Overreacting?

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

No one is perfect and no relationship is perfect. There will always be disagreements in a marriage or romantic relationship, and sometimes one will hurt the other. It’s really important in any relationship to assume the best of the other person. However, it is important to evaluate your circumstances and how you are being treated to see if you are the victim of emotional abuse.  

What are the circumstances?

Before going through a list of possible signs of emotional abuse, we need to consider the context. We live in a very stressful world, the last few years having been particularly stressful. People react differently to stress, and sometimes it is in ways that hurt or annoy others. 

One of the big questions in determining if your partner’s behavior is abusive or just thoughtless is to consider how long it has been going on and under what circumstances. Another is to consider how your partner responds if you share that you are being hurt by his or her behavior. 

While there is no cut-and-dried sign, chances are that if the behavior seems linked to some external events or internal issues your partner is going through, your partner is not intentionally being abusive (though it may accidentally be abusive). 

If you can have a rational conversation with your partner about the behavior and you express your feelings, and he or she is sorry and tries to change, your partner is not being intentionally abusive. 

What are some signs of abuse?

Even if the abusive behavior is temporary, brought about by issues or stress in the person’s life or just ignorance of the way it hurts you, it’s never okay. Your partner needs to be confronted – in an appropriate and effective manner – so that the unacceptable behavior stops. 

That said, some patterns of behavior suggest deeper mental health issues, which can be much more serious and extremely difficult or even seem impossible to change. 

It may be emotional abuse if your partner:

  • Flies off the handle at the smallest provocation, as a general rule
  • Will not admit any wrong and will accuse you consistently of being too sensitive or overreacting
  • Makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells
  • Tries to make you completely dependent upon him or her
  • Controls your finances, your time, your relationships
  • Wants an accounting of everywhere you’ve been and what you’ve done, beyond normal curiosity about your day
  • Cancels your plans (or convinces you to cancel plans) with friends or family to spend time with him or her
  • Gets upset or jealous when you spend time with others
  • Is possessive and jealous, yet tells you it’s because s/he “loves you”
  • Regularly compares you unfavorably to others of your sex (husband comparing his wife to other women, wife comparing her husband to other men)
  • Teases you in a hurtful way, but when you complain says “I’m just kidding. You can’t take a joke.”
  • Reacts severely if you treat them the same way they treat you
  • Humiliates you in front of others
  • Is volatile and moody and threatens to leave you to get you to accede to their wishes
  • Becomes wildly upset if you confront them with their behavior
  • Tries to make you feel like you’re losing it – “gaslighting” you by denying what is patently obvious to keep you feeling off-balanced and unsure of yourself
  • Tries purposely to make you feel incapable – hides your keys and then finds them (what would you do without me?)
  • Tears down your dreams and hopes

This is an incomplete list, and certainly, some of these items can be a matter of poor communication or insensitivity about your feelings. Others are clearly abusive things that no rational, loving person would do. 

The bottom line on emotional abuse

Abuse is about power and control. If your partner’s behavior seems designed to make you feel dependent, emotionally unstable, insecure, or inferior, and there is no way to discuss it rationally, you are probably dealing with abuse. 

Trust your instincts. While none of us is perfect, and sometimes we are in fact oversensitive due to baggage in our own past, your reactions or defense mechanisms are a clear indication that it could be abusive. 

Even if you are reacting the way you are because of past experiences that have nothing to do with your spouse or partner, if he or she won’t talk to you rationally or compassionately about it, your relationship needs some professional help. 

An abusive relationship should not be endured. Keep in mind, however, if you tell your partner that you’re going to leave, he or she will promise you the moon and stars to keep you. 

As a psychotherapist focusing on couples therapy, I have worked with many couples in which one or even both of the partners demonstrated some of the behaviors above. Loving people can fall into bad habits that they need help overcoming. So even if there is some abuse going on, don’t give up on the relationship. 

However, if there is a much more serious underlying problem, such as the conditions I mentioned, you need a counselor’s help to determine how you can manage the situation or safely leave it. Please contact me today at (917) 331-6075 to see how I can help you and your partner take the right steps for a healthy and safe future.

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Are Politics Causing You Stress and Anxiety?

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

We are living in a stressful time. Concerns and disagreements about covid, vaccines, mass shootings, government actions, the accuracy of our elections, and the failing economy will cause stress and anxiety in almost all of us at one time or another. We all need to develop coping skills and healing habits to keep us emotionally strong and to maintain healthy relationships during this time of division and tumult. You can get through this while remaining healthy and strong if you take certain steps. Here in NYC, the world can seem like a very busy and overwhelming place. I am here to help.  

Control input

Examine how much time you spend looking at news shows or consuming social media. The constant bombardment of news, which by its very nature is stressful, will naturally increase your stress and anxiety. News outlets intentionally present stories in an emotionally-charged manner to maintain their audience and thus their advertisers (and thus, money). If you continually remember that it’s in their best interest to keep you anxious and looking to them for constant news updates, you may be able to break the cycle. 

Social media also has its share of emotional stress built into it. People who probably know very little about a subject offer impassioned (and sometimes rude) posts, which cause others to respond with knee-jerk emotional replies, and the cycle perpetuates itself. 

Turn it off. While it’s valuable to be aware of what’s going on, you need to monitor how much time you spend and what sources you choose. Try to turn to less emotionally-charged sources, and limit yourself to only a short time daily – or better yet, just a couple times a week. Don’t worry. If anything really important happens, you’ll hear about it from someone. Then you can look. 

This leads to another source of news and stress – other people. If you live with or work with people who are talking constantly about emotionally-charged political or cultural concerns that cause you stress, whether you agree with them or not, talk to them about your feelings and your need to discuss these things less for your own mental health. Most people will be very considerate of your feelings because they don’t want to intentionally cause others anxiety or suffering. 

Control output

Identify your “buttons.” Determine which issues cause you the most anxiety, stress, or depression. Once you’re clear on your hot buttons, brainstorm ideas to cope with those issues. 

As already mentioned, take steps to limit the input from news, social media, and people. But you can go a step further by planning how you will respond next time the conversation comes up. Plan some respectful, intelligent, fact-based responses that could diffuse emotions or redirect the conversation. If necessary, have some pre-planned ways of stepping away from the conversation.

Be open to hearing other people’s points of view. This can be very difficult, but if it is, it might be a sign that you are too convinced of your own “rightness” and everyone else’s “wrongness.” Stop and listen. Even if you continue to disagree, you may find that the other person has well-thought-out reasons for his or her position, which will certainly diffuse your emotional response and make it easier to discuss different points of view. 

Examine your fears realistically. How serious is the threat, really? If you feel there are real dangers that must be addressed, decide on some action steps. Taking physical action can give you a sense of control of the situation, which can diffuse some fear. For instance, take necessary preparations for your family, such as a nest egg or a few weeks of food and water. Find ways to help others who might be in need. Vote. 

Feed your inner self

Focus on hope. Focus on thankfulness. Be mindful of some blessing every time you start to feel anxious. Blessings are all around us. Take a deep breath, enjoy the air filling your lungs, and be thankful for it. These positive thoughts quickly overpower the negative thoughts. Yes, negative thoughts feel stronger, but in reality, they are not. Your positive self-thoughts can kick them out, at least for a time, and the more often you practice thankfulness, mindfulness, and positive self-talk, the quieter and weaker those negative thoughts become. 

Many people turn to alcohol, comfort food, or binge-watching to silence their anxiety and calm their nerves. These are not healthy choices, and the negative thoughts flood back in as soon as you stop – so you have to do it again. Positivity, hope, and thankfulness, on the other hand, gradually lessen those negative thoughts with practice.

In addition, substance abuse, poor eating, and couch-potato activities are bad for your physical health, which also affects your mental health. So choose exercise instead of sitting in front of a screen; choose the fun and challenge of making a new, healthy recipe rather than reaching for easy, unhealthy, fast food. Care for your physical health and you’ll be caring for your mental health, as well. 

When to seek professional help

If you’ve consistently tried some of these steps and they aren’t working, or if you feel too sad, anxious, or overwhelmed to put them into practice alone, reach out for professional help. If you ever have thoughts of self-harm or harm to others, do not delay for an instant. Seek help from a professional who can guide you out of this darkness and into a brighter, happier future. 

If you need help, please don’t hesitate to call my office. As a psychotherapist, I provide a safe and secure environment for my clients that fosters self-awareness and the strength to make a change. Call me today at (917) 331-6075.

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The Art of Doing Nothing

Posted on August 16, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

The American culture seems obsessed with work. Many of us feel guilty if we aren’t constantly doing something or accomplishing something. Even our “down time” is full of activity. What does it really mean to “do nothing” and how does one do it?  For many living here in New York City, it can be difficult.  

Our need to do nothing

Maybe the first thing we should consider is why we should sometimes do nothing. It’s an interesting disconnect that while we realize our bodies need to rest regularly, we think our brains can maintain an intense work schedule coupled with constant noise from social media or entertainment without a break. Not so. The brain overloads and that overload is generally known as “stress.” 

Stress overflows into every aspect of our lives: our physical health, our emotional health, our relationships, moods, emotions, and our ability to continue to function intellectually at an optimal level. Overworking your brain can hurt every aspect of your being. 

But there’s also an interesting physiological aspect that demonstrates our innate need to sometimes do nothing. When our brains are involved in a task, the brain devotes energy to the parts of the brain that are needed for that function. But there is actually an elaborate neural network that appears to only activate when the brain is not focused on a task. This network, which neuroscientists call the Default Mode Network (DMN), connects different brain areas, which could explain why we sometimes get brilliant ideas when we are no longer focused on a problem. 

Ancient Greece gives us an amusing example of this function. The story goes that Archimedes, the great ancient Greek mathematician, was puzzling over a problem so much and for so long that he forgot to bathe. His slaves, finally disgusted, carried him off to the bath. Once submerged in the pleasant waters, the solution to the problem occurred to Archimedes, and he jumped out of the bath and began to run through the streets naked, shouting in his excitement, “Eureka!” (which meant, “I’ve found it!”) while his faithful servants ran after him with his toga. 

What it means to do nothing

Doing nothing doesn’t mean scrolling through social media. This stimulates emotional centers of the brain, many of which are not always relaxing. Studies have found that people often feel worse about themselves after viewing social media. And staring at a screen, large or small, certainly does not rest the senses. So turn social media off. 

So what does it mean to “do nothing”? It means just letting oneself BE. The most basic definition is to simply sit peacefully without a screen or book or podcast, and just let one’s mind wander and enjoy being.

The problem some people have with letting their minds wander, however, is that they may turn their thoughts to work, relationship problems, or other difficult or negative thoughts. That’s not the purpose of the “do nothing” time. So in the beginning it may help to give yourself some structure until you’re more practiced. 

Some suggestions:

  • Try this in a beautiful place, for instance, sitting on a park bench, walking along a lake, or lying under a tree. Let yourself zone out and appreciate the breeze, the light reflecting off the water, the sound of the birds.
  • Instead of checking emails or journaling during your morning coffee, just sip your coffee in silence. Sit out on your porch or another relaxing, beautiful place and enjoy the quiet.
  • Learn some simple meditation techniques, like focusing on your breathing.
  • Choose peaceful, soothing music or water sounds to help your body and mind calm down.
  • Take a deep bath with calming aromatherapy.
  • Use a book of inspirational prompts to give you a peaceful, happy thought to set your mood.

Getting around to “doing nothing”

Don’t just get around to it – plan it. It’s that important. If you’re not used to relaxing or taking time for yourself, you may have to build gradually, starting with 5 minutes. You can plan it around your mid-day break, or turn off all your technology a half-hour before bed and just relax on the couch. If you have parenting responsibilities, plan to relax either before the kids get up or after they go to bed – or at nap time. 

Get over feeling guilty about not doing anything. Guilt occurs when our actions are not in line with our values. So if you’re the kind of person who always needs to be productive, just think about how your “doing nothing” is actually doing something – it’s making you healthier and more productive in the long run! And you might just have a great idea while you’re at it.

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Finding New Friends and Connecting with People in the Big City (or Anywhere)

Posted on August 15, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

If you’re new to NYC,  you may feel that finding new friends or connecting with people in your new hometown can be difficult. It’s not uncommon for people to feel isolated and lonely when they move to a new area, or when circumstances in their lives change and it’s time to start afresh with new companions. There are a lot of creative ways to connect with people in-person anywhere you may live, but in the city, opportunities abound. 

Connecting with people at work or in your neighborhood

If you go to work on location, try to develop acquaintances during office hours by striking up conversations and by taking breaks in common workspaces. If coworkers go out for lunch, coffee breaks, or cocktail hours, join in. If there’s a group that walks during your lunch break and you like the people, go with them. Make an effort, and usually, people will respond positively to your friendly gestures. If you’re lucky, there will be an office extrovert who will invite you first! 

You may live in an apartment complex or neighborhood that has group activities to help people connect. If so, go to them. If not, and you like organizing, ask a couple of neighbors if they’d like to do something like that and start to make it happen. You’ll meet a lot of people that way. 

Making connections with hobbies and interests

Getting involved in the community or pursuing your interests are great ways to meet people with shared interests.

Volunteer in something you’re passionate about. If you love animals, volunteer at a shelter. If you love nature, volunteer at a nature center or a park. If you love people, volunteer at a nursing home or hospital. 

Do you like to exercise? Sign up for a gym and strike up conversations with people you see regularly or join a walking or bike-riding group. If you enjoy the arts, go to cultural events or shows of local artisans. You’ll have much to discuss when admiring someone’s craftsmanship. And don’t forget about your house of worship – it’s a great place to make friends. 

There are many handy apps that can help you connect with people with similar interests, but use them with caution. In-person communication helps you gauge someone’s personality better than virtual, technology-driven communication. 

Making connections with continuing education

Remaining intellectually stimulated can give you a sense of accomplishment and growth when you’re navigating a new environment. Whether you’re taking a night course to continue your degree or taking a creative class in an area of interest, you will have other students to share experiences with and possibly study with. These relationships may grow into real friendships. 

Moving from acquaintance to friend

Relationships exist at different levels. In order for a person to go from acquaintance to friend, there needs to be trust, which develops over time, so don’t be too vulnerable too soon. But at the same time, going too slowly can cause you to lose that opportunity because the other person might feel like you don’t really want to be friends.  

If you need help navigating the process of meeting people or making friends, or if you’re experiencing anxiety and need someone to talk through it with you, reach out to me. We’ll walk through it together and help you build your new circle of friends.

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Dealing with Depression Through Volunteering and Service

Posted on August 15, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Counselors and psychiatrists have known for years that volunteering and serving others can help improve mental health and decrease depression symptoms. There’s also a great deal of science to support this. Researchers at Exeter Medical School in England reviewed the results of 40 studies over 20 years and found that volunteering consistently led to an improvement in mental health, a decrease in mortality, and in some cases, an improvement in physical health, as well.

Why volunteering helps

What are some of the benefits of volunteering? There are many! Here are just a few:

  • Volunteering develops social connections which are necessary for us as human beings. Even if you have social anxiety, something like dog-walking allows you to connect with a few people (briefly, while you pick up and return the dog) who have interests similar to yours (dogs, animal well-being). This gentle human interaction and the time spent with animals can create needed connections.
  • Volunteering can create changes in thought patterns in so many ways. Our thoughts affect us metabolically, changing our thought processes, our chemistry, and our health. Negative thoughts produce more negative thoughts, which further depress our physiological responses. When we volunteer, our minds focus not on our own negative thoughts, but on the needs of others, stopping that vicious cycle, at least for a time. This cessation of negative thoughts can eventually overflow into the times when we are not volunteering.
  • Volunteering gives you a sense of purpose and satisfaction that you may not have felt for a while. It’s a healthy distraction and can help you put your own life in perspective. It forces us to take positive actions, leading to more positive thoughts, which then have a positive effect on our bodies and minds.
  • Volunteering can improve your physical health. A four-year study by Carnegie Mellon University followed 50 adults who volunteered and found that those who volunteered more than 200 hours a year were less likely to develop high blood pressure and were more likely to experience psychological well-being.

Suggestions to get you started

While it’s natural to think, “I don’t want to do anything or even get off the couch. How can I volunteer?” there’s a great maxim to keep in mind: Action precedes motivation. Even if you don’t “feel like it,” or if you’re afraid you won’t be able to keep it up, try one day at a time, and you’ll find that motivation follows.

Practice thinking the opposite of the negative excuse you give yourself. You could try, “Well, at least it’s better than just sitting here all day, and besides, I’ll get in a little exercise and I’ll treat myself afterward.” Remember, studies show that volunteering really does help. Remind yourself that when you’re trying to talk yourself out of it.

So the next question is, volunteer to do what?

Choose a volunteer activity that fits your interests and skills and will not feed your negative thoughts. In the NYC area, where I live, there are a wide variety of volunteer options, from cleaning up local parks and walking dogs for the local dog shelter to reading to underprivileged children at the local library and delivering food to shut-in elderly people.

Or you could start with something less formal, like making cookies for a neighbor who is having a rough time or offering to babysit for a friend or relative. Make a plan to do some small act of kindness every day. This helps you keep your eyes open for ways to help others, even if it’s just a kind word, which can also turn your thoughts outward instead of inward.

There are many strategies that can help overcome depression naturally. Volunteering is one of them. Please don’t think you’re alone in what you’re feeling. If you’re struggling with depression, contact me to see how I can help you on your path to wellness.

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Self-Help Tips and Counseling for Empty-Nesters

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

After decades of devoting yourselves to your children, the last child has left the roost – or at least is at college most of the year. This can be a challenging time for many couples. It’s a time to readjust priorities, to focus more on each other after years of focusing on the children, of finding ways to spend your time, money, and energy that aren’t wrapped up in the kids. This alone can be a bit of a challenge. When combined with emotional stressors, it can cause what is often called “empty nest syndrome,” a particularly stressful time in the lives of parents. 

The beginning of the empty nest period takes some adjustment, just as any new situation does. Do you remember the adjustments you had to make when you first got married? When you had your first child? When you moved to a new city or state? These are major life changes, and you need to adjust. But with a positive attitude, your empty nest phase can be one of the best times of your life together! I offer some suggestions, but keep in mind that sometimes having the helpful and supportive ear of a trained marriage counselor can help you if you find the adjustments difficult to handle on your own. 

Adjusting to the “Empty Nest”

The first step is to affirm yourself and reconnect with your own identity without your children. Yes, your children are a permanent part of who you are, but they don’t define you. What do you love to do? What are your interests? If you have put off a hobby because you were focused on the children, now is the time to pick it up! Do something different, challenging, even adventuresome, and allow yourself to really have fun, not as a mom or dad on holiday, but as a person with unique interests. 

Now that the children are (mostly) gone, turn to each other even more. You nurtured the children and affirmed and supported them for years. Now it’s time to put that focus on each other. If your marriage is strong, you have probably been doing that through the years already and you now can increase that mutual attention. If you haven’t been giving each other that affirmation and attention, your marriage is probably a little stale. If so, now is the time to rekindle the love that brought you two together. 

Develop shared interests that you and your spouse can do together. Go out on dates weekly. Learn something new about each other – even after many years, there is so much more to learn! Say something nice to each other every day. Increase your intimacy and touch, both sexual and non-sexual, to rekindle the romance. 

Take care of something or someone else. Get a pet. Volunteer at the daycare center or at a soup kitchen. Care for a garden or a challenging indoor plant. By focusing on others, we forget about ourselves and our problems. 

Issues that complicate the matter

Sometimes complications make the adjustment more difficult. You may have dedicated so much of your life to your children – especially if you were a stay-at-home parent or if you were running your children to activities every night of the week – that your own identity was built around your children. 

Your marriage might be shaky; you didn’t have a lot of shared experiences outside of the children, or maybe you have unresolved hurts that were buried just so you could stay together “for the kids” and now you are thinking you may want out. 

Your children may be leaving the house but are still financially or emotionally dependent. Maybe they just moved in with a friend but still need you to pay support. Maybe you have a strained relationship, or you don’t agree with the decisions they’re making. Maybe you feel like they’re taking advantage of you, but it’s hard to say no.

These issues can feel too big to be solved without some help. This is where counseling can be very important. 

How counseling can help

A good marital counselor is there to help guide couples through the process of renewing and strengthening their relationships. We help couples improve communication; address old hurts and resolve them in light of their new situation; build new shared experiences and interests; and develop new friendships. 

Another aspect of couples counseling for empty-nesters is helping them work through redefining their relationships with their adult children. This can include addressing feelings of guilt if they feel they’ve made mistakes; possessiveness and control issues if it’s hard to let go; and learning how to set boundaries to help their adult children learn the last lesson they have to learn from you – becoming independent. 

If you need a little help navigating the “empty nest” phase of your life, reach out to me.

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