Is a Fertility Support Group Right for You?

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

I work with couples struggling with infertility. Sometimes they eventually conceive and a child is born and sometimes not. My goal is to help them remain emotionally healthy as individuals and grow closer as a couple through the process of seeking help to overcome infertility or to accept it and define their next steps. Sometimes an infertility support group is part of the process. 

An Infertility (or Fertility) Support Group is not counseling or therapy. It’s a group of people going through the same basic problem but experiencing it in different ways. It’s an opportunity to talk to people who understand your feelings, a place where you can share events in your life, vent about insensitive family or friends, and gain some insight from the experiences of others. Communities can be online or in person. 

Joining a community depends on your personality. Some people feel better when they can express their feelings or thoughts in words to others. Some prefer to share only with their closest, most intimate friends. There is no right or wrong here. Which will help you? 

There is sometimes a challenge in these groups, when members become pregnant. Even though everyone in the group is hoping for it, when it happens it can be a cause of both joy and pain. This is a factor to consider when deciding if you should join a group. 

Here are just a few questions you can ask yourself:

  • Will I feel better having people to turn to who are experiencing many of my same experiences and emotions?
  • Do I need to just vent sometimes to people who aren’t in my immediate circle, so I can work through my feelings verbally?
  • Am I open to suggestions from others who are walking my same path?
  • Can I handle hearing about the suffering of others and offer them support, or will it make me feel worse?
  • How will I feel if one of the members announces she’s pregnant? Will I be able to handle it? Will I feel crushed inside, even if I am happy for her? 

These are just a few questions to consider. If you’re not sure, you may want to just try it out to see. There are many different kinds of infertility support groups; some are general, some are for specific problems, such as PCOS or endometriosis, some are all-female, all-male, or couples. 

Keep an open mind and decide if it’s right for you. If you try one group but it’s not well moderated and things seem to feel as though they are out of control, try another before giving up on the idea. 

In the end, only you know if you need a support group, a counselor, neither, or both. Talk to your spouse about it, too. You’re going through this together. If you’re in the New York City area, feel free to reach out to me to see how I can help.

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How to Work Out the Big Conflicts in Marriage

Posted on May 16, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

Every marriage has differences and conflicts because every marriage is made up of two people who have different backgrounds, perspectives, and personalities. It’s inevitable that you will disagree in some areas. Most couples can work through the small conflicts, but when the disagreements occur in important issues, such as money, sex, and child rearing, it’s important to work through them rather than get caught in a perpetual cycle of disagreement and hurt feelings. 

The big picture

The foundation of your conflict resolution must be an attitude of love and respect for the other, even if years of hurt have already accumulated. You loved your spouse when you got married; you would never have intentionally hurt your spouse and he or she surely felt the same way. Over time, hurts happen. But it’s critical to assume the best in your spouse when trying to work out conflicts.

Remember, your goal is to deal with the issue, not the person, and to make your relationship stronger through respectful dialogue and resolution. This may be difficult, especially if the two of you have already developed a habit of angry and hurtful fights. If so, you may want to get the help of an experienced couples counselor to help you create the right foundation and learn the right communication skills. 

Evaluate the issue

Ask yourself first if the issue causing the conflict is actually something that will just benefit you, and you’re not considering how it might impact your spouse. These scenarios happen more often than we realize because we tend to put on blinders when it’s something we really want. In such a case, you may have to reconsider pressing the issue. If, however, it seems to you that the matter is important for both of you and/or for the family, it’s appropriate to discuss it.

Address the issue

With an attitude of respect and compassion for your spouse, begin the discussion at an appropriate time. You may want to plan a time to discuss it, if your spouse is open to that. In order to demonstrate your willingness to listen, you may want to let your partner be the first to speak. 

Listen with a sincere desire to understand your spouse’s position and ask questions to understand more deeply. You are trying to collect information, not so you can develop a counter-argument but so that you can build a mutually-beneficial resolution.

When it’s your turn, choose words that are sensitive to your partner’s feelings and avoid accusation. Include how the conflict makes you feel, but do so lovingly, assuming that your partner does not want or intend to hurt you. 

If you have caused pain to your spouse, a sincere apology is definitely in order, without any qualifiers blaming the person. “I’m so sorry I snapped at you. I had a bad day at work and took it out on you” is acceptable, but adding “but you shouldn’t have nagged me” is not. 

Roadblocks to reconciliation

Remember that both you and your partner come to marriage with a set of experiences that could be the root of some problems. Be sensitive to those past hurts and experiences and don’t expect your spouse to change overnight any more than you could. 

Some differences are so fundamental that they are essentially unresolvable. So common are they that it’s been said that when you marry a person, you marry a set of unresolvable problems. But even with unresolvable differences you can find compromise in small areas or humor that will strengthen your bond. 

How to move forward

Hopefully, by maintaining an atmosphere of trust and respect, you will gradually find compromise on the important issues in your marriage, such as disciplining the children, use of money, or sexual intimacy. If too much pain is involved, or if you need to learn the correct communication skills, it’s best to seek the help of a counselor who specializes in couples therapy to help you work through the issues. Don’t give up or clam up. Step forward toward a happier future together. 

If you live in or around the New York City area and need help in your relationship, reach out to me for an initial consultation.

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Top 5 Problems to Work on in Your Marriage

Posted on April 9, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

Top 5 Problems to Work on in Your Marriage 

If you got married expecting “happily ever after” without any effort on your part, you’ve probably discovered by now that it doesn’t work that way. Having a healthy marriage takes a lot of work. But it’s worth the effort, because having a partner with whom you share your life can make the trials of life more bearable and the joys of life more joyful. 

Every marriage has challenges. Recognizing the challenges of your particular marriage and working together to overcome them will make your marriage even stronger and more vibrant. Traditionally, the most common problems were issues of money, children, and intimacy. In recent years, household chores and technology have made my Top 5 list. In virtually all problems, the most important ingredient is communication. 

Money

Whether you have too little, too much, or don’t know how to manage it, money is often a source of conflict in marriage. Usually, the underlying problem behind money issues is either a power struggle or a matter of conflicting values or priorities. In tough economic times, financial concerns can increase stress and irritability, affecting every aspect of marriage. 

Sit down together with the goal of collaborating to overcome this problem. Without accusation, try to determine what the underlying problem is first, then craft a solution around that. A budget is a helpful approach to keep certain non-essential spending in line. Think about what values or priorities each of you have (i.e., one of you likes to give to charity; one of you has a hobby that costs money) and define a reasonable monthly expenditure, looking at the big picture.

Consider a prepaid card for each category of spending, so that when the card is used up for the month, you stop spending on that activity or item. But try to budget in some fun-time together as well – date night at the movies or even an inexpensive picnic in the park, just the two of you. Reward yourselves for your financial wisdom! 

Children

Children are a source of great joy, but can also be a source of stress. How many children to have, struggles with infertility, differences in child-rearing and discipline styles, toys underfoot, and the running around associated with modern parenting are all issues that can stress a marriage. In addition, one parent or both may focus so much on the children that they forget to notice each other anymore.

As with money issues, it’s important to discuss your values and priorities in childrearing and find a way to work together to get everything done without forgetting about each other.

Intimacy

Intimacy refers to both physical contact (sex, holding hands, snuggling, touching) as well as emotional contact (trusting, sharing intimate or sensitive thoughts and feelings). The busy-ness of modern life can take its toll on the time we spend together as couples. If you’re exhausted at the end of a busy day, you may not be interested in sex. Conversely, you may still want sex but don’t show your spouse physical affection or emotional intimacy the rest of the day. 

Intimacy is what makes marriage a marriage, as opposed to being roommates or just friends. It’s critical you take the time to work this out. In many marriages, one partner is more interested in sexual intimacy than the other. If this is the case, find a compromise and balance this with other forms of intimacy. As I mentioned in the previous two solutions, budget into your finances a little money to spend on each other, and budget into your child-rearing efforts a little time and effort for each other. 

Chores

Years ago there used to be “women’s work” and “men’s work.” But that is a thing of the past. Or it should be. Since in many families both spouses work, household chores and errands should be divided equitably. 

Equitably does not necessarily mean equally. Only the two of you can decide what’s “fair.” You’re both probably going to have to accept some chore or errand you don’t really like, but that sacrifice, done out of love for your spouse, will help strengthen you as a couple and keep the household running smoothly, which will decrease stress and increase peace.

Technology

This recent phenomenon is quickly becoming one of the biggest causes of divorce, because it affects just about every other cause already listed. Multiple studies now show correlations between technology use and increased dissatisfaction in marriage. 

After being apart for most of the day, don’t come home and spend time on your cell phone or tablet, catching up on social media, the latest shows on Netflix, or any of the hundreds of other ways we distract ourselves with news and entertainment. Instead, spend time with your spouse. The best way to do this is to budget your time on the internet or other devices. Decide together what’s important to each of you and plan to spend time together. And please, don’t lie in bed catching up on social media before you go to sleep! 

Texting distances people. Research indicates that it creates a “remote social connection” less personal than calling. So if you mostly text your spouse during the day, maybe switch to a call in the middle of the day, just to say hi.

Sharing everything you do on social media can decrease intimacy between couples as well. Try to save some things to be personal, just shared between the two of you. 

Communication is the key

You’ll notice that every one of these problems requires communication and concern for the other’s feelings in order to be successfully overcome. If you need help learning how to properly communicate, reach out to a qualified marriage counselor. If you’re in the New York City area, contact me to see how I can help you.

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Causes of Depression

Posted on April 9, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

Depression is a complex illness that is often caused by multiple factors. As a counselor, it is important to explore the underlying causes of the depression my clients are experiencing, in order to develop a treatment plan that will be uniquely effective for them. 

Medical research has identified several major causes of clinical depression, and in my experience as a counselor, I have seen these causes manifest into depressive symptoms in my clients. 

Abuse: This is one of the most common causes of depression. Physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse can leave scars that take time to heal. Abuse can lead to depression, anti-social behaviors, addiction and other coping mechanisms, including abuse of others. 

Conflicts, major changes, life stressors: This is a large category. Someone who is undergoing conflict or dispute, especially in the family, can experience depression. Major changes can cause imbalance that leads to depression, even positive ones such as marriage or a new baby in the house.  Major stress in home life or at work can also lead susceptible people to depression. 

Death or loss: It is natural to feel sad for an extended time after the death of a loved one, loss of a job, or other major blow. When sadness goes on for an extended time or deteriorates into not caring for oneself, loss of interest in life, mood swings, anger, or isolation, it is time to seek help. 

Family History: Those with a family history of depression are more susceptible to experiencing depression when other factors are present, such as stress, abuse, or loss. Sometimes, however, a biological tendency toward depression may be the cause when a person shows signs of depression but there are no seemingly obvious triggers for these negative feelings. 

Medication: For many medications, depression is a possible side effect. People should be watched closely when they begin medications that have this side effect and help should be sought immediately if depression occurs. 

Depression looks different in different people

Although there are variations across groups, often there are themes that resonate as consistent for people experiencing depression. If you are concerned about your own depressive thoughts and feelings or feel worried about a loved one, reach out for help.

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Relaxing into Infertility

Posted on January 31, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

Probably every infertile couple has heard it: “Relax! Stress causes infertility.” These words can be very painful to couples who have struggled with infertility for a long time. Still, the advice is good for a different reason—struggling with infertility can itself cause stress, which is just plain bad for your health and your relationship. Life in New York City can be stressful enough so it is helpful to learn the skills to reduce stress so that it does not build up.

While there are studies that show a link between stress and infertility, others show little or no correlation. Yet we’ve all heard the anecdotal stories: as soon as a couple gives up trying to conceive and they adopt, she becomes pregnant. As soon as they accept infertility and embrace being childless, she becomes pregnant.

Yes. It happens. And maybe it will happen to you. But that’s not why I want you to relax. As a counselor, part of my therapy is to help people come to terms with their situation. You may still be working towards fertility, or you may have tried everything and are ready to move on. Wherever you are in the process, there are certain steps you can take to feel more at peace, which will improve your mood, your health, and your life. 

Try some of these stress-reducing activities:

Pick up a new hobby or return to an old favorite. Alone or together, do something that you enjoy.

Do something physical together. Dancing or other physical activities can increase the romantic bond, while the physical activity releases hormones that promote feelings of wellbeing.

Get more sleep. Sleep is when our bodies repair themselves (and apparently, more than 80% of women ovulate between midnight and 8am, during the repair process). Sleep helps the body and brain function more optimally, so insufficient sleep is going to decrease your performance at every level.

Enjoy intimacy for the love of each other, not just to have a baby. After a while, the focus on having a baby can make sex seem like a project rather than an act of love. For a while, don’t think about the baby-making part of it, just think about each other.

Do simple de-stressing exercises. Here’s a progressive muscle relaxation technique that helps you relax when you’re feeling noticeably tense. Try it if you have trouble relaxing before bed: Tighten and relax each part of your body, from head to toe. Start with your scalp – tighten and hold for 5 seconds, then relax. Move on to your facial muscles, jaw, neck, and step by step throughout your body. You will feel the tension melt away.

Think about getting a pet. Cats and dogs are affectionate and need exercise. Choose an animal that you both really enjoy and give it some loving. Rescue an animal from the SPCA or other reputable organization and you’ll also have the pleasure of saving an animal’s life.

Eat calming foods. Yes, calming. The nutrients in certain foods can decrease stress and anxiety. Some of these include brazil nuts, fatty fish, eggs, pumpkin seeds, dark chocolate (but watch the sugar), turmeric, chamomile, yogurt and other fermented foods (for gut health), and green tea. Good nutrition promotes optimal mental, physical, and psychological health.

Talk to a professional. Sometimes, even if you try all these ways to relax, you can still benefit from talking to a counselor who specializes in helping couples through infertility. 

If you live in the New York City area and are struggling with infertility, I’m here to help. Call for a consultation.

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Does a Marriage Counselor Ever Recommend Divorce?

Posted on January 31, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

As a couples therapist, my goal is to help couples who experience difficulty in their relationships take personal responsibility for who they are and how each contributes to the relationship. This also means they must be personally responsible for the decision to divorce or stay together. While some counselors may recommend a course of action, that is not something for a therapist to decide. A therapist should help the couple come to their own decisions – decisions that will lead them to the healthiest place for both of them. 

When  a married individual comes to me for individual therapy and I recognize that part of the stress stems from within the relationship, I often recommend we start couples therapy. When I see how my patient interacts with the spouse and I myself, meet the spouse, that I can determine where some of the problems lie and how I can help my client. Often, clients behave very differently when they are alone then when they are with their spouse, and it is always informative to see the difference. Individually, each person brings their uniqueness to the relationship but years of accumulated hurt, exacerbated by poor communication skills can bring out dysfunctions that erode a relationship. 

Conversely, when I am counseling couples, it is important to speak to each one individually, as well. The goal of this individual time is to understand each party better when the other partner is not present to affect how they answer questions. This deeper understanding will help guide our couple sessions more effectively. It also helps me see what the individual is like when not in the presence of someone who represents the source of their stress. 

It is in these individual sessions that I may find out about physical abuse. My primary responsibility is to keep my client safe, and in such cases, I would recommend a separation for safety purposes. 

When a couple comes for therapy, and both seem sincerely interested in saving their marriage, the chances of success are good. When it becomes clear after a great deal of effort that one or both are not willing to forgive, compromise, or recognize how they contribute to the problems, my next step is to help them recognize their own feelings, their own level of commitment to the marriage, their own responsibility for how the marriage arrived at the current place it is in and what steps they are willing to take to save it. Along the way, they might find the forgiveness or compromise they so desperately need. Or they may find a road forward that leads in different directions. 

Ultimately, it is the couples counselor’s responsibility to help the couple reach a place that is healthiest for them, both as a couple and as individuals. They must be responsible for the decision to stay together or continue apart. My job is to help them explore their strengths and weaknesses, draw out the story of their marriage and what brought them together and kept them together thus far, help them discern their commitment to the union, and develop the communication skills, forgiveness, and compromise needed to make any relationship a blessing rather than a burden.

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My In-Laws Are Ruining My Marriage!

Posted on January 20, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

It is often said that when you marry, you marry your spouse’s family and this feels very unnerving when you have a problematic relationship with your in-laws. It is important that your in-laws know that you, as a married couple, are independent and have the right to make your own decisions about your life. While parents’ interest in their child’s welfare does not end when the child grows up and marries, it’ i sometimes hard for parents to back off and know their limits. 

How you handle the situation of your sabotaging in-laws really depends on your particular situation. While some parents are well-intentioned, other people have agendas they want met. If your spouse’s parents have problems, your spouse has grown up with those issues and has been affected by them. So your first step is to ask yourself some questions before deciding the best course of action. 

Evaluate the situation

First, look to yourself. Are you perhaps doing things that signal that their behavior is ok? For instance, if you talk to your mother-in-law about an important decision you and your partner are trying to make, you are signaling to her that you want her advice. If she is pushy or even just highly nurturing, she may try to pressure you to do what she thinks is best. Changing your behavior might solve the problem. 

Next, ask yourself: if a neutral observer were to look at their behavior, would that person see intentionally mean or sabotaging behavior, mental illness, or well-intentioned but intrusive behavior? This is important, because if their advice is coming from a position of ill-directed love, the problem will be much easier to solve. If, however, there is intentional cruelty or mental instability, more drastic measures may be necessary. 

Is your spouse aware of the behavior or your feelings about the behavior? If so, does your spouse agree with you or his/her parents? Or perhaps does not see an issue at all? 

Steps to take

If your spouse is not aware of the problem or does not realize or acknowledge your feelings, address your concerns respectfully – after all, they are your partner’s parents—but emphasize the importance of solving this problem and not denying or ignoring it. 

If after your explanation your spouse does not see a problem with the behavior or perhaps sides with his or her parents, I strongly advise marriage counseling. When you marry, each spouse’s allegiance must shift from the family to the other spouse. This is a fundamental requirement for a strong, healthy marriage. Marriage counseling can help both spouses see how beautiful it is to nurture that mutual allegiance and develop a real partnership that makes each spouse stronger and more fulfilled in life.

If your spouse does see the problem and agrees with you, decide together how to set clear boundaries of behavior. Then, together, tell them what those boundaries are, clearly and specifically. Let your spouse do the talking. Your in-laws might still blame you for it, but the message must come from their own child so they know their child sides with you and not with them. 

Ask your spouse not to discuss with your in-laws any marital decisions you are making until after the decisions have been made. That will prevent them from giving unwanted advice. Also ask that your partner not discuss you with your in-laws—certainly not to talk about any differences you may be having. This could give them ammunition to break down the bond of allegiance between you.

Your partner will have to become more aware of the behavior that causes you so much pain and become your bodyguard, insisting to his or her parents that the behavior is unacceptable. In extreme cases, it might be necessary to cut off relations with truly sabotaging in-laws.

Even if you are both forming a united front against the behavior, it might be to your advantage to have a few sessions with a trained marriage counselor to give you some pointers and renew and strengthen your relationship.

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How to Talk to Your Spouse about Feeling Insecure in Your Marriage

Posted on January 13, 2020 by Alisa Hafkin

If you are feeling insecure in your marriage, it is possible that the source of insecurity may not be in the marriage itself, but within you. The good aspect of understanding this is that you now have a starting place for exploring why you feel insecure. However, you will still want to let your spouse know how you are feeling so he or she can help you. Take some time to evaluate where the root of the problems lies, in you or in your marriage, before talking to your partner.

Possible causes of insecurity in a marriage

One of the biggest causes of feeling insecure in a relationship is feeling insecure about yourself. When you don’t see yourself as worthy of love, you may naturally be afraid that the person who supposedly loves you will eventually stop, once he or she finds out about the real you. 

These self-doubts can lead to negative thoughts, leaving you to suspect your spouse will find someone else more desirable than you. It can lead to nagging ideas, such as, “Why hasn’t he texted me back? He must be mad at me!” or “She’s late getting home from work. Is she seeing someone else?” Thoughts like these keep you emotionally imbalanced and insecure, and might cause you to feel clingy or suspicious. 

Another common source of insecurity in a relationship comes from baggage left behind from other partners, family, or friends who have hurt you. If you become suddenly insecure, irritable or frightened when your spouse does or says something, stop and think. Was there anything that happened in your past that could be coming up to haunt you? It is critically important for a healthy relationship that you try not apply the sins or hurts that someone else caused you on to your spouse. 

But maybe the problem really is the relationship. Think objectively about your marriage. Have you had any recent major life changes that have put extra strain on one or both of you? Examples could be the birth of a child, infertility, a recent move, a new job, promotion, or job loss, or a death or illness in the family. Are you spending less time together than you were before? Are you snapping at each other lately, or sitting in angry silence? If any of these things are happening in your marriage, chances are that you are both feeling insecure in your relationship. 

How to talk to your spouse about your feelings

If you have determined that the issue may actually be within yourself, it is important to let your spouse know that you are not blaming him or her, and you are trying to make things better. Share how you think some of your old fears are causing you to feel insecure in your relationship. By starting this way, your spouse is reassured that you are not pointing fingers, you are just opening up. And opening up can actually deepen and strengthen your relationship. 

Share what you have realized through your self-evaluation and explain how your feelings make you jealous, touchy, or needy. Ask your spouse to be understanding and talk about ways your partner can assure you of his or her love while helping you become stronger and more confident. 

If the problem is caused by an issue in the marriage itself, starting in this manner might still be a good way to start a conversation without putting your spouse on the defensive. Your partner might open up that he or she has also been feeling that way lately. This is an excellent opportunity to examine the root causes, but do not let it devolve into an argument! If it starts to turn into a disagreement, try to stop it by saying something like, “Ok, we’re both having really strong feelings about this right now. Let’s think about it more and pick it up later. I’m just really glad we’ve started to talk it out.” Positive affirmations like this can leave the conversation on a strong note. 

Consider whether you would benefit from individual or couples counseling. If you are dealing with deep-seated feelings of insecurity or clear marriage problems, the gentle guidance of a trained marriage counselor will greatly increase the likelihood of successfully overcoming the issues and returning to a more stable relationship.

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Dealing with Postpartum Depression

Posted on December 30, 2019 by Alisa Hafkin

Having a baby can be an exciting and joyful time, but it can also be stressful. New responsibilities along with physical and hormonal changes can create emotional upheaval, either during pregnancy or after birth. Often these “baby blues” last only a few weeks, but if they persist, or if your symptoms are severe, you may be experiencing postpartum depression (PPD).  While you live and/or work in the bustle of New York City, it can also be isolating.  

The first thing to know about PPD is that it is not a reflection on you as a person. The powerful physical changes you have endured affect hormones that can create negative emotional responses. The second thing to know is that it is common and can be alleviated. 

Be sure to seek support, through your medical doctor, a mother’s support group, or a counselor trained in helping women who are experiencing postpartum depression. Regardless of the severity of your symptoms, there are several things you should do to speed your recovery. 

Maintain social interaction. Do not isolate yourself, no matter how you feel, because isolation can worsen feelings of depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, and loneliness. Reach out to family and friends and tell them how you are feeling. Those who love you will want to help lighten your burden. If your circle of friends is small, connect with a mom’s support group or a PPD support group.

Eat healthy, nutritious meals, avoiding alcohol, which has a depressive effect. Some studies suggest women low in DHA are more prone to PPD, so consider an omega-3 supplement after getting the ok from your physician.

Exercise. This could be as simple as taking the dog for a walk or pushing the baby in a stroller through the park. Exercise decreases stress hormones such as cortisol while it elevates endorphins, which are the body’s natural pain relievers and mood lifters. Sunshine provides vitamin D, which is a mood enhancer, and studies suggest that being in nature can decrease symptoms of mild to moderate depression. 

Get sleep and take “me” time. One of the hardest times to get a good night sleep is when there is a newborn in the house. But sleep deprivation is known to adversely affect moods. Tap into your network of friends and family for helpers, or nap when the baby naps. Again, activate that help network so that you can get away from baby care from time to time and do something fun that refreshes your mind and replenishes your soul. Even a short break can be enough to rebuild your stamina and mood. 

Cuddle with your baby. If you are not feeling very bonded right now, this may be difficult, but physical, skin-to-skin touch can help stimulate the hormones in your brain that will help you bond. The baby needs your touch, your gentle voice, your smile. He or she will be more easily soothed in the future by experiencing your physical connection now, and you will likely recover faster, as well. 

Check your breastfeeding. For many women, breastfeeding can reduce the risk of PPD, but in some cases, women experience sadness or agitation when their milk releases. This can last for several minutes, so if you notice this, recognize it is hormonally triggered, not a reaction to your baby or your motherhood.

Taking care of yourself is always important, but when you are suffering from anxiety, depression, exhaustion, or other negative symptoms associated with PPD, it can take a great deal of effort. If you feel able to make the effort, you will find the symptoms begin to decrease. If the effort feels too great, seek help right away. With help from a trained therapist, you can get through this trying time.

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Identifying and Addressing Negative Thinking Patterns

Posted on December 30, 2019 by AHafkin

We all have negative thoughts at times, and sometimes those thoughts are appropriate. But certain habitual thought patterns can increase the likelihood of anxiety and depression. It is hard to identify them because they seem so true and so real while we are experiencing them. However, to overcome these unhealthy habits, you need to step back, evaluate your thoughts as if you were listening to someone else speaking them, and correct them as needed. Doing so will help you lessen your feelings of anxiety and could relieve your feelings of depression. 

Ruminating, overthinking, and overgeneralizing

Self-reflection is good; rumination is not. Ruminating is thinking about the same thing over and over, without the intention of finding a solution to the situation. It can appear as overthinking or overgeneralizing. 

Overgeneralizing occurs when you make statements that do not reflect reality: “This always happens to me!” or “I’ll never be able to get this right.” You may think you will never find happiness, never find friends, or be stuck forever in a dead-end job. When you find yourself making such statements, stop. Ask yourself, “Is that really true?” Chances are, it’s not. Distract yourself with other thoughts or other activities. Consider asking yourself, “How can I change this situation?” and take your first step toward changing things.

When you are overthinking, you run through your mind all possible outcomes in order to avoid making any mistakes or taking any risks. Overthinking is an attempt to control every aspect of life, and it can be crippling. 

To prevent overthinking, give yourself a deadline for how much time you will allow yourself to think about the situation before taking action. Limit the number of resources you use to research possible options or outcomes. Then make a choice. Trust that it is ok to be human and make a mistake. The world will not come crashing down. It is worse to be stuck in a rut than to make a mistake moving forward.

All-or-nothing and perfectionism

This is the thinking pattern that sees situations or people as all-good or all-bad, which creates a need for perfection. Perfectionists have an all-or-nothing attitude because if it’s not perfect, it’s just not good at all — and this includes themselves. People with this black and white, perfectionist view set themselves up to fail because nothing will ever be perfect. As hard as it will be, start each day by saying, “Today, I will be good enough.” If you can tell yourself this in the morning, you will probably still do just as well as usual, but you won’t suffer as much stress.

Emotional thinking

Our emotional responses should not always be trusted, especially if generated by childhood experiences. If you felt belittled as a child, you might feel unworthy of success, or you might always assume people are thinking ill of you when, in fact, they think very highly of you. Try not to mind-read. It is not fair to the other person and it is certainly not fair to you. Examine your thoughts to see if they are consistent with reality and, as with ruminating, stop. Look at the situation rationally, as a by-stander, and try to evaluate things in a neutral, unemotional manner. 

It is never easy recognizing these negative thinking patterns, and even harder to stop them when they are well-entrenched. Talk to friends and loved ones or a counselor trained in the recognition of and treatment for depression and anxiety. Once you begin deflecting and defeating these unhealthy habits, it will get easier, and soon you will find yourself feeling much lighter about your life.

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