Dealing with Depression Through Volunteering and Service

Posted on August 15, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Counselors and psychiatrists have known for years that volunteering and serving others can help improve mental health and decrease depression symptoms. There’s also a great deal of science to support this. Researchers at Exeter Medical School in England reviewed the results of 40 studies over 20 years and found that volunteering consistently led to an improvement in mental health, a decrease in mortality, and in some cases, an improvement in physical health, as well.

Why volunteering helps

What are some of the benefits of volunteering? There are many! Here are just a few:

  • Volunteering develops social connections which are necessary for us as human beings. Even if you have social anxiety, something like dog-walking allows you to connect with a few people (briefly, while you pick up and return the dog) who have interests similar to yours (dogs, animal well-being). This gentle human interaction and the time spent with animals can create needed connections.
  • Volunteering can create changes in thought patterns in so many ways. Our thoughts affect us metabolically, changing our thought processes, our chemistry, and our health. Negative thoughts produce more negative thoughts, which further depress our physiological responses. When we volunteer, our minds focus not on our own negative thoughts, but on the needs of others, stopping that vicious cycle, at least for a time. This cessation of negative thoughts can eventually overflow into the times when we are not volunteering.
  • Volunteering gives you a sense of purpose and satisfaction that you may not have felt for a while. It’s a healthy distraction and can help you put your own life in perspective. It forces us to take positive actions, leading to more positive thoughts, which then have a positive effect on our bodies and minds.
  • Volunteering can improve your physical health. A four-year study by Carnegie Mellon University followed 50 adults who volunteered and found that those who volunteered more than 200 hours a year were less likely to develop high blood pressure and were more likely to experience psychological well-being.

Suggestions to get you started

While it’s natural to think, “I don’t want to do anything or even get off the couch. How can I volunteer?” there’s a great maxim to keep in mind: Action precedes motivation. Even if you don’t “feel like it,” or if you’re afraid you won’t be able to keep it up, try one day at a time, and you’ll find that motivation follows.

Practice thinking the opposite of the negative excuse you give yourself. You could try, “Well, at least it’s better than just sitting here all day, and besides, I’ll get in a little exercise and I’ll treat myself afterward.” Remember, studies show that volunteering really does help. Remind yourself that when you’re trying to talk yourself out of it.

So the next question is, volunteer to do what?

Choose a volunteer activity that fits your interests and skills and will not feed your negative thoughts. In the NYC area, where I live, there are a wide variety of volunteer options, from cleaning up local parks and walking dogs for the local dog shelter to reading to underprivileged children at the local library and delivering food to shut-in elderly people.

Or you could start with something less formal, like making cookies for a neighbor who is having a rough time or offering to babysit for a friend or relative. Make a plan to do some small act of kindness every day. This helps you keep your eyes open for ways to help others, even if it’s just a kind word, which can also turn your thoughts outward instead of inward.

There are many strategies that can help overcome depression naturally. Volunteering is one of them. Please don’t think you’re alone in what you’re feeling. If you’re struggling with depression, contact me to see how I can help you on your path to wellness.

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Self-Help Tips and Counseling for Empty-Nesters

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

After decades of devoting yourselves to your children, the last child has left the roost – or at least is at college most of the year. This can be a challenging time for many couples. It’s a time to readjust priorities, to focus more on each other after years of focusing on the children, of finding ways to spend your time, money, and energy that aren’t wrapped up in the kids. This alone can be a bit of a challenge. When combined with emotional stressors, it can cause what is often called “empty nest syndrome,” a particularly stressful time in the lives of parents. 

The beginning of the empty nest period takes some adjustment, just as any new situation does. Do you remember the adjustments you had to make when you first got married? When you had your first child? When you moved to a new city or state? These are major life changes, and you need to adjust. But with a positive attitude, your empty nest phase can be one of the best times of your life together! I offer some suggestions, but keep in mind that sometimes having the helpful and supportive ear of a trained marriage counselor can help you if you find the adjustments difficult to handle on your own. 

Adjusting to the “Empty Nest”

The first step is to affirm yourself and reconnect with your own identity without your children. Yes, your children are a permanent part of who you are, but they don’t define you. What do you love to do? What are your interests? If you have put off a hobby because you were focused on the children, now is the time to pick it up! Do something different, challenging, even adventuresome, and allow yourself to really have fun, not as a mom or dad on holiday, but as a person with unique interests. 

Now that the children are (mostly) gone, turn to each other even more. You nurtured the children and affirmed and supported them for years. Now it’s time to put that focus on each other. If your marriage is strong, you have probably been doing that through the years already and you now can increase that mutual attention. If you haven’t been giving each other that affirmation and attention, your marriage is probably a little stale. If so, now is the time to rekindle the love that brought you two together. 

Develop shared interests that you and your spouse can do together. Go out on dates weekly. Learn something new about each other – even after many years, there is so much more to learn! Say something nice to each other every day. Increase your intimacy and touch, both sexual and non-sexual, to rekindle the romance. 

Take care of something or someone else. Get a pet. Volunteer at the daycare center or at a soup kitchen. Care for a garden or a challenging indoor plant. By focusing on others, we forget about ourselves and our problems. 

Issues that complicate the matter

Sometimes complications make the adjustment more difficult. You may have dedicated so much of your life to your children – especially if you were a stay-at-home parent or if you were running your children to activities every night of the week – that your own identity was built around your children. 

Your marriage might be shaky; you didn’t have a lot of shared experiences outside of the children, or maybe you have unresolved hurts that were buried just so you could stay together “for the kids” and now you are thinking you may want out. 

Your children may be leaving the house but are still financially or emotionally dependent. Maybe they just moved in with a friend but still need you to pay support. Maybe you have a strained relationship, or you don’t agree with the decisions they’re making. Maybe you feel like they’re taking advantage of you, but it’s hard to say no.

These issues can feel too big to be solved without some help. This is where counseling can be very important. 

How counseling can help

A good marital counselor is there to help guide couples through the process of renewing and strengthening their relationships. We help couples improve communication; address old hurts and resolve them in light of their new situation; build new shared experiences and interests; and develop new friendships. 

Another aspect of couples counseling for empty-nesters is helping them work through redefining their relationships with their adult children. This can include addressing feelings of guilt if they feel they’ve made mistakes; possessiveness and control issues if it’s hard to let go; and learning how to set boundaries to help their adult children learn the last lesson they have to learn from you – becoming independent. 

If you need a little help navigating the “empty nest” phase of your life, reach out to me.

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Is Surrogacy the Right Option for You?

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

One of the areas of focus in my practice as a therapist is helping couples struggling with infertility. Many couples choose to go through medical procedures to help their own natural fertility kick in so that they can bear their own child naturally. While these procedures often work, sometimes they do not.

When a couple comes to the realization that they may not be able to conceive, I help them walk through their feelings and their next steps forward: to embrace life without children or to pursue other options for fulfilling their dream of parenthood. Surrogacy, while not commonly chosen, is one of those options. 

Types of Surrogacy

Most surrogate mothers are compensated for their services. Surrogacy agencies secure the services of women; bearing the child is in essence a form of employment. In some instances, a woman will be a surrogate for a couple out of altruism, but this usually occurs when the surrogate knows the couple personally. 

There are three ways a child can be conceived through a surrogate arrangement:

  • Partial or genetic surrogacy: The prospective father provides his sperm to fertilize the egg of the surrogate mother. Thus, the child has the father’s DNA.
  • Gestational surrogacy: The prospective parents contribute their own sperm and egg to conceive in vitro. The embryo or embryos are then implanted into the womb of the surrogate mother.
  • Total surrogacy: The prospective parents do not contribute their DNA. Both the sperm and egg are chosen from a donor bank, thus the adoptive parents and the surrogate mother are unrelated to the child. 

Apparent Benefits and Drawbacks of Surrogacy

Several reasons why couples choose surrogacy include:

  • The chance to have a child genetically related to one or both parents
  • The expectation that it will be quicker than adoption
  • The option to be involved in the pregnancy along the way and get to know the surrogate mother 

Surrogacy is not without significant risks, however. They include:

  • Availability – Surrogacy is not available in all states
  • Significant expense – compensation for the surrogate, program fees of the agency, medical expenses for the surrogate mother, possibly also in vitro costs could reach $80,000 or more
  • Delays and timeframe – surrogacy takes longer than expected, usually 18 months or more
  • Difficulty in finding a reputable surrogacy agency – Some agencies exploit poor women, promoting the financial benefits of surrogacy without fully informing them of the possible risks
  • Physical and mental health effects on the surrogate mother – Pregnancy affects the physical and mental health of any mother, but surrogacy adds additional risks. Months of fertility medications to prepare her body for pregnancy can have negative effects. Multiple births (as is often the case with IVF) increase maternal risks in gestation and delivery. And although the surrogate mother knows the child is not her own, many surrogates experience long-term emotional distress from the process.

Alternative to Surrogacy

A similar option to surrogacy is infant adoption from a pregnant birth mother. Agencies that offer this form of adoption create a family profile for prospective parents, provide screening and counseling to the pregnant mother, and present to the mother various family profiles. Once chosen, the adoptive parents cover the expenses for the mother and are able to have interaction with her during the pregnancy, based on mutual agreement, possibly even attending the birth. Most adoptions of this kind are open adoptions, meaning your family and the birth mother can remain in contact so the mother knows her child is in good hands.

This method for the most part is significantly less expensive than surrogacy, is fairly readily available, can be a quicker process, and is a healthier option for mothers and babies. It does, however, have a few of its own drawbacks. First, the adoptive parents will not be genetically related to the child. Second, while agencies screen prospective mothers for their commitment to adoption, occasionally a mother changes her mind and decides to keep her child. Usually, however, the agency is able to match the couple with another mother. 

Ultimately, the decision to adopt, choose surrogacy, or decide to remain childless must be made between the two of you. If you need help working through the issues surrounding this major life decision and you reside in or around the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

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“The Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse” and Their Antidotes

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

As a marriage counselor, I often see very similar patterns in troubled marriages. The great marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, grouped these patterns into four categories that he labeled “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” – that is, those behavior patterns that are signs of serious marital problems and that, if left unchecked, would doom the relationship. The horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

The Four Horsemen Defined

Criticism: In a disagreement, do you try to discuss calmly and respectfully or go for the jugular? Do you pick on the person or on the action? Do you question your spouse’s character? This is criticism, and it’s pretty easy to pick out. 

Examples: “You only think of yourself. You never think about how I feel!” “You’re such a jerk.” “I knew you would take the biggest piece of pie. You’re so selfish.” 

Contempt: Contempt is criticism on steroids, demonstrating a complete disrespect for the other person: eye-rolling, ridicule, embarrassing the other person in public, sarcasm, and mockery. Sarcasm and mockery by their nature have a component of contempt, especially when it’s a “joke.”

Subtle sarcasm: “You didn’t even clean up the spill? (Eye roll) Of course, I have to do everything around here because you’re not capable.” 

Overt sarcasm: “You’re tired? Cry me a river! I’ve been home with the kids all day, running around like crazy, dealing with their squabbling, and still trying to put the food on the table and make the house look nice for YOU. I have enough kids. I don’t need another one.” 

Overt mockery: In a crowd: “Did you tell our friends how you ‘fixed’ the dining room light so well that we needed to hire an electrician to fix your ‘fix’? (mocking laugh) The guy said it’s a good thing we called because the house could have burned down! My husband is such a great provider!” 

You’ll often hear a contemptuous person say, “Can’t you take a joke??” but it’s never funny to the victim. Research indicates that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It must be eliminated. Period. 

Defensiveness: This is pretty understandable, especially when a person feels attacked by criticism or contempt. Imagine the spouse who didn’t clean up the spill: “I did my best, but I can never seem to do anything good enough for you.” Imagine the spouse who took the big piece of pie: “And like you didn’t take the biggest piece of steak? I was really hungry! Because of you, I had to fill up on dessert!”

Stonewalling: This is the silent treatment. When a person is at the point of stonewalling, verbal communication has broken down. This is actually a form of communication in itself, clearly sending the message that the person no longer cares and is no longer trying. It can also be a form of passive-aggressive behavior. Often the stonewalling person does not respond at all, avoids eye contact, crosses arms, or turns away. 

Antidotes for the Four Horsemen

Believe it or not, many marriages are able to slay the “horsemen” in their marriages and create strong, loving relationships. It takes work, and both partners need to want it. Usually, one spouse is more motivated than the other at first, but this is often because trust has been damaged. When the other spouse sees that there is a sincere desire to start again, progress can really be made. 

Nurture fondness and admiration: Every day, remind yourself of something good about your spouse. There may be plenty of bad in your mind right now, but ignore that for the time being. Nurture some positive thoughts and say one nice thing about him or her every day. 

Get to know your spouse:  How much do you know about your spouse? Get to know about your partner’s world, beliefs, interests, hopes, and fears. Find out funny things about his or her past: touching moments and sad moments alike. If your relationship is not currently filled with trust, these sensitive details may take time to reveal. So start with fun, pleasant, or just plain practical stuff, like favorite foods, or least favorite – like beets, maybe. 

Respond to casual comments: If your spouse says “Hey! Look at that beautiful bird!” while you’re reading the paper, look up. Respond. “Where? Oh! Yes. I think I saw that one before. I wonder if it’s nesting around here.” Don’t just grunt and go back to your paper. And definitely don’t ignore him or her. This is what Dr. Gottman calls “bids” for attention, which are currency for the “love bank.” Respond to bids and the balance in your love bank grows. I’ve seen it work. It sends a message that the other person is important to you, even in small details. 

Solve your solvable problems and overcome gridlock in the others: Most problems really are solvable. Find the root cause of the thing that’s really annoying you and you’ll probably find a way to work around it. This can sometimes take some help from a counselor or trusted friend to mediate. Occasionally, differences are inherent in a person’s dreams, values, or personality, and therefore can’t really be changed without changing the person on a fundamental level. 

The goal in these cases is to find ways to work around the differences or have a good-natured joke (not a sarcastic joke!) when the difference begins to reveal itself again. Or focus on the good side of the “problem.” For example, maybe your spouse is so easy-going that he doesn’t try to get a raise. He’s just content. Do you love the fact that he’s easy-going? Then be content with a modest income and be thankful for a pleasant husband. Finding ways to overcome gridlock over unsolvable differences often benefits from the help of an experienced marriage counselor. 

Create shared meaning: Every family has unique experiences and memories. This is your microculture. Celebrate your history, your family stories, and your traditions to create a strong emotional bond with your own “tribe.” 

I’ve seen many couples chase away their personal horsemen and create strong, healthy marriages. It takes work, but it’s well worth it. If you are in the New York City area and need help healing your relationship, give me a call.

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Understanding Frustration: Causes and Cures

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

We all experience frustration from time to time in our lives. It is a natural reaction when our efforts to attain a goal are thwarted in some way. The more important we deem the goal, or the more we are blocked, the more frustrated we can become. 

Causes and Effects of Frustration

Frustration can have both external and internal causes. Obvious external causes may be events, people, or places that block your goals. Traffic is an example of something simple that can cause frustration. A colleague at work who seems hell-bent on undermining you and making you look bad to the boss is a more serious external frustration. But internal frustrations may be caused by personality traits such as a controlling personality, emotional sensitivity, or feelings of low self-esteem. These personality traits can make simple life events more frustrating than they have to be.

Unfortunately, frustration is like a “gateway drug” in the sense that it can lead to a variety of worse negative responses. It can make you feel helpless and cause you to quit. It can lead to depression or lower self-esteem and self-confidence. Frustration can cause explosive anger that hurts your relationships or physically harms others (road rage is a classic example). Sometimes frustration leads to addictive, self-destructive behavior. Because of this, it’s critically important to learn how to manage frustration.

Overcoming Frustration

Your first step in overcoming frustration is to determine exactly why you’re frustrated. What is the root cause of the frustration, and what events/people/places trigger the emotion to flare up? When you determine what’s really causing it (which is not necessarily the superficial causes that you can easily see) you can then begin to address it. For instance, morning traffic may make you slam your fist on the steering wheel, but if you were already frustrated or stressed when you got into the car, look at what was causing that feeling to find the possible root cause of your frustration.

Frustration in itself can be looked at in a positive light; it’s an opportunity to step back, look at your goals and the strategies you’re using to attain your goals, and make appropriate changes to be more effective. You may decide to take a different route to work to avoid traffic or have a conversation with the person at work (who might not actually be purposely undermining you). This kind of flexibility is an important component of overcoming frustration. 

Evaluating the root causes and developing alternative strategies does not always happen quickly, so you should also develop coping mechanisms to help temper the negative emotions that frustration often triggers. Besides the necessities of good health, including sufficient sleep and good nutrition, consider some of these activities:

  • Deep breathing, yoga, meditation
  • Moderate physical exercise
  • Walking the dog/snuggling with the cat
  • Painting a soothing subject
  • Doing a hobby you love
  • Chatting with a friend or loved one about pleasant things 

Everyone is different, so find your own ways to get your mind off whatever has you frustrated. Being able to cope with and overcome frustration is directly correlated to being happy and having a positive outlook on life, so it’s important to find what works for you to get your feelings of frustration under control. If you need to, reach out to a counselor or therapist to help you get on the right path to developing your own strategies for overcoming frustration.

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Infertility – Do You Have the Right Medical Team?

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Infertility takes an emotional toll on individuals and couples. In my practice, I counsel many couples struggling to conceive, and I help them navigate their emotions in order to stay mentally healthy. But because infertility can be caused by so many factors, I encourage them not to give up hope too quickly when it seems things aren’t going well. They may need to try a variety of professionals before finding the right experts for their particular needs. 

I do not recommend particular doctors or particular fertility treatments. But I do sometimes encourage clients to look into other options if their method isn’t working. I have seen so many different approaches that work. In New York City, we have world-class experts who use multiple approaches to deal with fertility issues in many patients. 

Fertility issues can be in the woman, the man, or a combination of both. There could be a problem with PCOS or endometriosis, sperm count or sperm strength. There could be emotional stressors or previous traumas compounding a medical problem. There could be a nutritional problem or even some health issue in a totally different part of the body that is impacting fertility. Medication can affect fertility. Some medical experts are also finding an alarming drop in male fertility worldwide, possibly due to environmental toxins and estrogen added to food. My point – don’t give up. Find the right doctors to find the underlying problems and, hopefully, fix them so that you can conceive. 

Sometimes it helps to take a fresh look at your situation and start “from scratch.” All your experiences so far – what has worked and what hasn’t, all the tests you’ve had – can be taken to a new doctor who can look at things with fresh eyes. There are many wonderful fertility clinics to choose from, but if the “usual” hasn’t worked for you, try the unusual. Find a practice that uses a multi-disciplinary approach and is open to looking outside the box. Start going to a nutritionist. Many nutrient deficiencies are known to impact fertility. 

Take the time to research and interview various experts. Make sure you’re emotionally comfortable with them and find out what they do when the standard treatments don’t work. What’s their success rate? What kinds of issues did successful couples have and how were they overcome?

Remaining mentally strong during this challenging time can help you both as you search for and build the right medical team. Make sure you have emotional support, either through friends and family or a professional counselor, that will help you stay strong and come out stronger on the other side.

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Fighting in Your Marriage – How to Fight Fair

Posted on April 29, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

You and your spouse are different people and you’re bound to have differences in your marriage. Resolving them doesn’t have to be painful. “Fighting fair” means resolving your differences without damaging your relationship. In fact, if done well, it can even strengthen your bond and help you grow closer.

 Key Factors of Fighting Fair

  • Remember you’re on the same team. Be agreeable when you disagree.
  • Never fight in front of the children or in public. And don’t drag family or friends into the argument or complain to them about your spouse. Having a few people to turn to for support is not the same as complaining about your spouse and sharing intimate private information. Your loyalty should be to your partner first.
  • No ambushing. You’ve probably been thinking about this issue for a while, but your spouse may not have. Saying “we need to talk right now!” is an ambush. Rather, tell your spouse that you’d like to discuss X and arrange a good time. Give it a time limit, especially if it’s a problem that is not easily resolved. Taking multiple steps to solve an issue can often be the best approach in order to reach a long-term solution.
  • Treat each other with respect. No yelling, name-calling, or personal attacks of any kind. If that starts happening, walk away. Agree ahead of time that if either of you starts to get heated, you’ll take a break.
  • Stick to the point when you’re having a disagreement. Avoid getting sidetracked or bringing in other disagreements. You might even want to write down the main point you’re discussing and point to it when the discussion veers off course. If a different issue comes up that needs discussion, write it down to talk about another time.
  • Watch your tone. Research indicates that the majority of our communication is in our tone of voice and our body language, not our words. A harmless word said with a sarcastic tone can feel like a dagger in someone’s heart.
  • Listen, seeking to really understand. Clarify with phrases like “so, what you’re saying is,” or “correct me if I’m wrong – your point is…”
  • Try not to get defensive. Assume the best intentions of your spouse. If a comment stings, say so and ask for a correction. “You know, the way you said that really hurt. Would you consider rephrasing it?”
  • Make repair attempts along the way – i.e., throughout the discussion, do things to strengthen your relationship. Choose an open and connected body language, maybe leaning on each other. Bring into the conversation a shared private joke that fits the moment. Smile when appropriate.
  • Apologize. If you’ve been fighting fair, you won’t need to apologize for anything, but let’s be honest. In an argument, we sometimes mess up. Apologize immediately, retract, and try again.
  • Don’t mirror unfair fighting. If your partner pulls any of these stunts, don’t do it back. Maintain the high ground, but avoid acting “superior” – that’s another form of unfair fighting. 

When to “fight” and when to let it go

In reality, “fighting fair” isn’t really fighting. It’s working through a problem as a team. That said, sometimes you’ll have to decide what’s worth arguing about and what’s not. Some arguments recur because you haven’t really discussed them using these fair-fighting principles. Others recur because they don’t really have a resolution. Unless the issue is severely damaging to your marriage or someone’s health, some issues should just be let go. 

If a particular issue consistently causes you or your spouse to get highly emotional or to withdraw emotionally, it could be a sign of a deeper issue. Consider reaching out to a trained marriage counselor to help you or your partner work through this problem and discover peace. 

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Self-Care as the World Opens Up

Posted on April 6, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Depending on where you live, your community could be at any stage of “opening up” after the coronavirus shutdown. And depending on your health or your opinions, you may not be comfortable with what’s going on. While our world remains in a state of insecurity regarding the virus, your goal should be to maintain self-care in order to stay healthy – physically, psychologically, and emotionally. 

What is self-care?

Self-care refers to a person’s deliberate efforts to care for one’s mental, emotional, and physical health. “Self-care” does not mean “selfish” – quite the opposite, in fact. Good self-care not only balances emotions, reduces anxiety, and keeps our bodies strong, it also keeps our relationships strong because we are emotionally capable of maintaining healthy friendships and family bonds. 

Therefore, good self-care is particularly critical in times of stress, such as this time of societal, economic, and political upheaval. 

Taking care of yourself

Self-care basics remain the same regardless of what is going on in your life and in the world. Things such as getting enough sleep, eating a healthy diet, exercising moderately, and practicing meditation or prayer are the foundations of health upon which everything else is built. These should be your priority. 

Some other aspects of self-care to build upon the foundation as we open up from COVID lockdowns to consider are:

  • Avoid information overload: know what’s going on in the world but don’t spend too much time on it
  • Focus on kindness and thankfulness; practice positive self-talk
  • Maintain your routine to create stability in an unstable time
  • Help your community by buying local or supporting local charity drives, food banks, etc.
  • Schedule relaxation time 
  • Find new ways to get out of the house that fit your comfort level
  • Learn something new
  •  Focus on what you can control: for instance, visit locations where social distancing is easy
  • Gradually expand your comfort zone, dipping your toe into new situations as you become more comfortable

Defining boundaries

You need connections, now more than ever. But you also need to be comfortable with the level of connection during this uncertain time. This is an important part of self-care as we open up. 

Your boundaries should be based on your comfort level. Take the time to think through what you’re comfortable with. How do you feel about wearing masks inside or outside? How do you feel about hugging or standing near family or friends? What forms of travel are you comfortable with? How do you feel about the COVID vaccinations? 

Try to define these and explain them to yourself. The goal of reviewing your reasons is so that you can understand them in order to discuss them with people who are close to you who may have a different opinion. 

Take some time to talk through your position with these important people in your life. You should both come to the conversation with the goal of listening to each other’s opinions respectfully. State at the beginning of the conversation that regardless of your differences, you care for each other and will continue to care for each other, even though you have different opinions on this issue. Listen, acknowledge their point of view, then share yours. You can maintain your position without losing the relationship. 

If you just don’t feel comfortable visiting in person with someone close to you, acknowledge sincerely that you know it might hurt them and you are very sorry. But work together to find ways to maintain a connection. 

There are many fun new traditions you can begin in order to keep the relationships emotionally close even when you can’t be physically close. Maybe play games via Zoom, or even watch a movie together in your separate homes, both make popcorn and share reactions to the show. Your options are limited only by your imagination, so find creative ways to stay close. 

Keep in mind, this time is temporary. Things will get better, they always do. Be willing and ready to allow your comfort level to grow as situations change. If your anxiety persists, consider professional help with navigating and balancing your feelings as the world returns to normal.

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Coping When Your Partner Is an Alcoholic

Posted on April 6, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Your partner’s drinking problem is undoubtedly deeply impacting you, and your children, if you have any. My first advice is that if you are in any danger, get out of there. Don’t put yourself or your children in any danger of physical harm, no matter how much you love your spouse. You can still work on the marriage or the addiction from a safe distance. 

I’d like to also make a distinction between being married to the alcoholic (or in a long-term relationship that includes children) and just dating an alcoholic. My suggestion if you are just dating is to break off the relationship and support the person as a friend if you want. But when marriage and children are involved, I encourage couples to try to work things out together. This is not always successful but, depending on the behavior and cooperation of the addicted spouse, it is possible, through careful, respectful, and supportive effort. 

Talking to your spouse about the addiction

There are some dos and don’ts when talking to an alcoholic spouse. The first is to remember that it’s an addiction, not something he or she is choosing to do at this point. Keeping this in mind may help you remain calm and avoid anger and blame. At the same time, don’t blame yourself in any way, and don’t let him or her blame you! It’s not because of anything you have done. 

Do some research so you understand the signs of alcoholism, the feelings alcoholics may be having themselves (perhaps shame and self-hatred over an addiction they hate but can’t control or maybe a need to hide the addiction or blame others), and where your partner can get help in your area. 

When your spouse is sober, discuss the situation calmly and respectfully. Say something like, “You may not realize how you sound when you’ve had too much to drink. Your words sometimes frighten the children, though I know you would never say such things right now and I know you love them. What can we do about this?” This is both honest and affirming and shows your support and love for your spouse.

If your partner expresses regret and a desire to change but doesn’t know where to start, suggest that there are resources in the area, or suggest he or she contact the family doctor or another trusted expert. Resist doing the work for your spouse, but you can present him or her with some names, maybe text some websites to make it a little easier. Just remember that people with addictions have to do the work themselves because they have to really want to change. 

If the conversation becomes heated, step away. Try again another time, because eventually, your spouse may be ready. But in the meantime, you need to take care of yourself and your children. 

Taking care of yourself and your children

While you may find your thoughts consumed with concern for your alcoholic spouse, your own emotional health and the emotional health of your children are what need to be your top priorities. Focus on keeping yourself and your children well. 

As I said, do not take responsibility for the addiction, and don’t let your children blame themselves, either. Maintain a healthy routine in the home, so that all family members feel a sense of stability, something they can count on even in the midst of upheaval from an alcoholic in the house. 

Don’t let your spouse drag you into his or her addiction. Do not make excuses for his behavior, or support her lies. Calmly explain to your spouse that you will not be drawn into it and it’s not fair to expect you to lie or cover things up. Remind your spouse of your love and that you won’t gossip or tell stories about his or her condition, but neither will you make excuses or tell lies to cover it up. 

Don’t try to fix his or her mistakes. Sometimes a crisis is necessary in order for the impact of the person’s behavior to move them to want to heal. 

Focus on self-love routines, such as pampering yourself on the weekend or picking up a hobby. Build strong, supportive friendships that remind you that you are lovable and loved. Help the children to also have activities and friendships that affirm them. 

If your spouse is open to marriage counseling, I highly recommend it. Even in the midst of alcoholism, healing can begin. Reach out to a counselor in your area who is trained specifically in marriage counseling and has experience with addictions. If you’re in the NYC area, call me to see how I can help you and your spouse heal and grow stronger together.

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Sleeping Well When Stressed Out About Infertility

Posted on April 6, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Stress of any kind can have a negative effect on sleep patterns. If your stress is from work or some other life situation, you may be able to take a vacation or change your environment; but infertility is a stress that you can’t readily get away from. For that reason, it is even more critical to develop effective stress-reducing habits so that you can get a good night’s sleep to improve your mental and physical health. 

There are myriad books and videos about reducing stress and/or getting to sleep, and different techniques work for different people. I’ll share a few that I’ve found frequently work for my clients. 

Create a “worry window” during the day – and stick to it

It may feel as if your infertility is always on your mind – and when you lie down and you’re not really “doing anything” those thoughts crowd your brain. A “worry window” is a time during the day when you allow yourself to worry. Just set your alarm for a convenient time for your worry session, then set a timer for 15-20 minutes to do nothing but worry. Think about whatever could possibly bother you, infertility and anything else. Some people like to write things down. When the alarm goes off, stop. 

The idea is to give your brain a specific time to ruminate, to corral your worried and stressful thoughts into a single time of the day – or two, if necessary, in the beginning – so you can have worry-free thoughts the rest of the day.

Naturally, in the beginning, it will be challenging to stop worrying at other times of the day, but telling your brain “Ok, I’ll think about that at my next worry session” can really give you hours of freedom and peace. 

Create sleep routines or rituals

Most people can’t just “flip a switch” in their brains, turn off the stress of the day, and quickly drift off to sleep. Most of us need to send signals to our brains to tell us it’s bedtime. Routines or rituals can help send those signals. The possibilities of sleep rituals are almost endless, but here are a few suggestions.

  • Turn off the phone and other screens an hour before bed. The light from the screens stimulates the mind, and whatever you’re looking at could give you more things to think about when you’re trying to sleep.
  • Perform your bedtime hygiene – brush your teeth, wash your face, put on your pajamas – and don’t do anything but bedtime routines afterward.
  • Have a cup of herbal tea, one known to be calming and relaxing, such as chamomile.
  • Light a scented candle or apply a soothing essential oil.
  • Do some progressive muscle relaxation or gentle stretches. Look up what movements are best for relaxing for bed.
  • Spend a little time in quiet meditation or prayer. 

Each activity should bring you closer and closer to a relaxed mental and physical state, making you ready for sleep. 

Walk through a peaceful scene in your mind

The goal is to focus your brain on something pleasant to stop the racing thoughts that make you tense and sleepless. Imagine a favorite peaceful place that you know well – a park where you had fun as a child, a beach you go to every summer, your grandmother’s house, whatever. Walk through it step by step, trying to experience it again. Do you feel the breeze on the beach? Hear the leaves rustle in the trees at the park? Smell something baking in Grandmom’s kitchen? Experience the peace again as if you were there.

Listen to something.

If you just can’t calm your brain, try an audiobook or soothing musical playlist. The idea is to distract your brain and relax your body so you can sleep, so try a few different things until you find something that works. 

Some nights you may just find you can’t relax. It’s better to get up and do something than to lie there, stressed out and adding worry about sleeping to your other worries. Do something that will make you happy so you won’t feel like you wasted your time. But don’t stare at a screen of any kind, since the light from the screen will worsen your condition. If sleeplessness persists and you’ve tried multiple techniques, talk to your doctor, who may recommend counseling or a gentle medication for sleep support.

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