Every couple has differences. You’re two different people with different backgrounds, different experiences, and different triggers. Some differences are inconsequential and easily overlooked, but when they are connected with deeply held beliefs and core values, as is usually the case with politics, religion, and child-rearing, much sensitivity and compassion are required to ensure peaceful coexistence.
Of the three issues, politics may be the easiest to tackle. But that doesn’t mean it will be easy. When you and your spouse disagree on politics, you may feel threatened, as if your concept of right and wrong is being challenged. When dealing with political differences, the most important qualities that must be in play are the sincere desire to treat your spouse with respect, to understand each other, and to find common ground – or at least declare a ceasefire. You don’t have to agree on everything, and that’s ok.
When working through your differences, try these strategies:
- Choose love and respect. See the differences as an opportunity to get to know each other better, to understand each other better, and to grow closer by it. Attitude is just about the most important aspect of mental health and relationship health. A positive, respectful, mutually supportive attitude can carry a couple through almost any hardship in life. And there will be hardships, so consider working through this issue as practice for the big stuff that may come.
- Discuss and listen. Approach differences with curiosity. Be interested in why your spouse has these views and discover the key issues that motivate that decision, then compare them to the key issues that motivate you. Just seeing that you’re focusing on different things might be enough to explain your differences. You might agree that, yes, Candidate A might do a better job on this issue, but Candidate B might do a better job on that issue. Recognizing the strengths each candidate has can help you both feel validated as you recognize that based on your key issues, each has a valid point.
- Consider triggers. The person you support might remind your spouse of someone he or she was hurt by – an authoritarian parent or a bad boss, perhaps. It’s hard sometimes to separate our emotions from our judgments.
- Your trigger might not be the person but rather an issue that upsets you in an unhealthy manner. If you feel you’re getting angry or emotionally upset, take deep breaths or take a break. Watch for this in your spouse as well, and take a break if necessary. If one issue is particularly painful, you may have to agree not to discuss that issue.
- Look at yourself and ask, “How would I feel if my spouse said that to me?” Ask yourself if you are following the golden rule in your political discussions – do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
- If all else fails, ban the subject until after the election. This also means not watching or reading political information in each other’s presence. This way you avoid overhearing what is going on and seeing each other’s reactions. When the election is over, no gloating if your candidate won; no sulking if your candidate lost; and no saying “I told you so.” The goal is to keep the peace.
If you’re having political differences in your relationship, maybe have your spouse read this article so you’re both following the same game plan. As an added bonus, the principles used to overcome or at least live in harmony with political differences can also be applied to other sensitive issues like religion and child-rearing. These have their own unique difficulties, but they, too, can be resolved amicably, when the couple is committed to each other.