Money is one of the most common conflicts that can crop up in marriage and many couples say it is their most challenging relationship issue. Fortunately, there are very effective ways to resolve such conflicts and bring you and your partner into alignment around the subject of money and spending. It’s important not to let resentment build up.
Personality differences
Conflicts can arise when one of you feels the other is overspending or should be doing something to increase income. This could be a difference in upbringing or personality. One of you might have been raised in a home where money was always tight and reserved for necessities. Seeing your spouse spend money on something you think is frivolous may bring up deep-seated feelings of financial instability. These feelings might generate fear or anger that you may not even be aware of. These negative feelings then get directed toward your spouse, who may have an easier-going attitude toward money.
Maybe you are a planner and saver, with a big dream for a major future purchase, but your partner believes in enjoying life in the here and now and wants to take family trips or buy extras to enjoy in the present. You may be risk-averse while your spouse is open to riskier investments, which can also cause conflict.
Or maybe one of you works and the other stays home with the kids, and the worker feels like the stay-at-home parent doesn’t appreciate how hard it is to financially support a family.
Financial realities
Personality differences are probably always going to be present, but there could also be serious financial circumstances that need to be addressed, for instance:
- Household expenses may exceed household income
- A growing family’s needs may be outpacing income growth
- An extended family member may need financial help; one partner is willing to help, and the other one is concerned that family finances will be affected
- Too much pre-marital debt (ex., college debt)
- One or both spouses may be out of work
- One of the spouses may have a serious spending problem or a gambling problem
- Only one partner handles the money, leaving the other partner in the dark about the family’s financial picture
Addressing money conflicts
Some of these differences can be more easily addressed, while others may need deeper healing with the help of a trained counselor or therapist. But either way, resolution always begins with communication. Have a fair and frank discussion about your attitude towards money and what you see for your future.
- What did your parents teach you about money? Was money an issue in your home when growing up?
- What is your attitude towards spending? What is your attitude towards saving? What is your experience with budgeting?
- What are your financial goals? Do you have future plans or dreams for major purchases?
- What fears do you have around money?
- How would you answer the question “What is money for?”
Healing money conflicts
Having honest conversations about money and spending should help you understand each other and the attitudes that fuel your behavior. Once you understand each other’s perspective, consider some next steps:
- List absolute essential expenses (debt, utilities, mortgage, insurance) and essential expenses that have wiggle room. For instance, food is essential, but is too much money being spent on meals out or junk food? The kids need clothes, but do they need the most expensive sneakers?
- List important expenses that might not be absolutely essential. For instance, extra-curricular activities are important, but are there less expensive, equally fun options?
- Create a budget, listing income and essential expenses first, then evaluate what is left for other expenses.
- Discuss what changes may need to be made. You may be surprised to discover you don’t really have a financial problem; you just have a perception of a financial problem. This is great news! Discuss how much should go into savings and how much should be budgeted for “fun money” – spending that will make your family’s life more enjoyable.
- If you find you have to “tighten the belt,” consider getting professional advice for some financial strategies: pay down debt, refinance your mortgage if rates drop, or make other major financial changes. Your bank or your tax accountant may be able to help you or may be able to direct you to low-cost financial planners.
- Develop a plan for the two of you to sit together and talk about the financial picture on a monthly or quarterly basis so that both of you are aware of the family’s financial situation.
- Promise to talk to each other (and do so lovingly) if one of you starts to feel stressed about money again, so that no anger or resentment can grow and take hold.
A therapist can help
When both spouses are emotionally healthy and want a resolution, these steps can help lessen the stress of money . But sometimes, if there are deep-seated fears that are based on an experience of poverty or financial instability in childhood, if there is a gambling problem, or if a partner is driven to spend, then it is critical to reach out to a therapist in your area who is experienced in helping people with these issues.
If you are in the New York City area, give me a call to see how I can help you. Therapy is an effective tool for helping people understand their history and how it affects their thoughts and behaviors. This knowledge is power. When you know why you do what you do, you are empowered to make the changes necessary to feel more in control.