Perfectionism and anxiety have an interesting link. Walking around NYC, you may see people who look as if they are perfect. From cars and clothes to addresses and jobs, they may all look perfect. The problem begins when you start comparing yourself to the version of them that you see.
In some people, perfectionism can lead to anxiety, while in others, anxiety can lead to perfectionism. What is this anxiety/perfectionism cycle, and how can you break it?
Understanding the cause of perfectionism
Perfectionism may have many causes, including events from childhood through adulthood. For instance, if you were raised in a family in which everyone was measured by their success in school or sports, you might feel the need to drive yourself too much to be approved or loved. If you made a mistake early in your career that caused you embarrassment or even the loss of a job, you may feel the need to be perfect to avoid another similar occurrence. Maybe a mistake in a relationship in the past has made you feel like you have to be perfect and never make another mistake in your relationships.
But the fact is, we are human. We make mistakes. And sometimes other factors out of our control may contribute to a mistake or an imperfect result. Since nothing is ever truly perfect, your drive for that perfection is never fulfilled, thus creating feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem, a feeling that you are a failure, and sometimes other mental health disorders such as obsessive-compulsive behaviors, eating disorders, and depression. Anxiety could also have developed first from those factors and then led to perfectionism in an attempt to mitigate the anxiety by eliminating the chance of the failure ever happening again – unfortunately worsening the anxiety rather than mitigating it.
Breaking the cycle
Whatever the underlying cause, it is clear that this cycle needs to be broken and there are many approaches we can take that can help.
Some methods we can consider are:
- Cognitive behavioral therapy to help you identify negative thought patterns and develop better coping methods
- Psychodynamic therapy if the causes of the anxiety and/or perfectionism seem to be rooted in a history of thoughts, relationships, and behavior patterns that need to be gently explored to resolve unconscious responses that trigger current mental health issues
- Mindfulness, which will help you become aware of how you are reacting, so that you can remain present in the moment rather than heading into a cycle of “what ifs”
- Exposure and response prevention therapy to help you face uncertainty in small doses and learn to manage imperfection and become comfortable with it
If you live in the New York City area, reach out to see how I can help you learn to reduce the need to be perfect and embrace life in its surprising and sometimes pleasant imperfections. If you aren’t in the NYC area, reach out to a trained therapist near you who has experience with your particular needs.