We all make mistakes. But what you do with your mistakes can make the difference between a life of peace and purpose—and a life of rumination and regret. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have worked with many clients who have found themselves stuck in regret, constantly beating themselves up for past decisions. The good news is, you can change your thinking and find new hope and peace. With self-compassion and intention, it’s possible to find new hope, healing, and peace. Take the following steps to help you move forward into a brighter future.
- Recognize the purpose of regret. Regret can be a helpful emotion that signals to us that there is something we need to change. Its purpose is not to cause us to wallow in the past, but to help us make better choices in the future. Think about something that you regret; if you didn’t regret it, what would stop you from doing it again? What would signal to you that it was not a good choice? The first step in overcoming regret is to realize it has a purpose and use it constructively.
- Acknowledge your feelings. Take the time to grieve whatever it is that you regret. Did you say something that damaged a relationship? Lose a good job because of a serious mistake in judgment? You may even be dealing with guilt and regret for something that caused you or someone else serious harm. You need to recognize that your sorrow is valid and allow yourself to grieve for the loss.
- Become aware of your counterfactual thinking and nip it in the bud. “Counterfactual thinking” is a fancy term for “what ifs.” When applied to your regrets, the “what ifs” can be paralyzing. There is no way of really knowing “what might have been” had you not damaged that relationship, not lost that job, or not taken that turn too fast on a wet road. You don’t know. Imagining a future that can never happen keeps you in a state of regret and guilt for imaginary events. When you notice yourself doing this, stop! You are heading into make-believe. Stick to the truth. This leads to the next point.
- Recognize that there is no reset button. What’s done is done. You can’t change the past. All you can do is change the future. Use your feelings of regret to make your future brighter. The first step is to fix what you can. If you hurt someone and you still have a way of contacting the person, apologize. Be specific and acknowledge where you were wrong and how you hurt the person. Allow for the person to respond, and accept their anger. They may forgive you, they may not. But apologize, and if there is any restitution you can make, do what you can to make up for it.
- Learn from your mistakes. This is the purpose of regret: to help you avoid making the same mistake twice. There are a number of techniques that can help you process the events and learn from them. This is something I work through with clients to help them find what works best. Some people benefit from writing down everything they remember about the situation and analyzing it to see their mistakes and how they can change them. Sometimes, such analysis may reveal that they are blaming themselves for something that was mostly out of their control. They then only need to examine their portion of the event and determine if there was anything they should have done differently. Sometimes, to their surprise, they discover they’ve been beating themselves up for no reason.
- Make a plan not to do it again. What steps, if any, do you need to take to prevent yourself from making the same mistake again? Are there patterns of thought or behavior that need to change? Can you do this yourself, or do you need the help of a friend or counselor to help you make that change?
- Practice self-compassion. This should take place throughout this process and beyond. How would you treat your best friend if she were beating herself up about something? You would treat her with compassion, right from the start! Do the same for yourself:
- Forgive yourself. You are not perfect, and you only go through this life once, so you’re going to make mistakes. Perfectionism helps no one and leads to burnout.
- Try guided meditation and being in the present moment. Meditation and mindfulness help you turn off the ruminating part of your brain, calm the inner noise, and focus on the here and now.
- Pamper yourself. You deserve to be treated well. Be your own best friend. Eat healthy foods, get plenty of sleep, and do something that makes you feel good.
- Engage in health-building activities. Find a hobby, take a walk in nature with a friend, or volunteer for an organization that helps others. These activities take your mind off yourself and off the past.
If you need help developing self-compassion, evaluating your past regrets, and taking strides to navigate a better path toward the future, reach out to an experienced therapist in your area. If you are in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help.