We often hear of people having “anger issues.” But anger is considered a secondary emotion, generally caused by a primary emotion that is under the surface. The “anger iceberg” can hide deep-seated emotions that can extend as far back as early childhood.
If you have unreasonable anger or “anger issues” that you just haven’t been able to overcome even though you’ve tried, it is probably because you’re trying to address the symptom rather than the real cause. If you fly off the handle because the cap is left off the toothpaste, or if you find yourself being irritable with your co-workers, spouse, or children beyond what the situation warrants, you may need to look deeply into what other emotions you may be hiding.
Here in NYC, emotions can naturally run high with the stress of navigating daily life. Managing your career, family, and self-care usually comes with a certain amount of hustle and stress. I work with clients to find underlying causes of the issues that brings them to my office. We can work together to develope tools that can help you slow down and take stock of how you are feeling so that you can assess all aspects of your life.
Physiology of anger
Anger is an evolutionary defense mechanism. When something triggers anger in us, our heart rate increases, blood rushes to our extremities, and we have a rush of energy, making us ready to fight to defend ourselves and our loved ones. We are ready for rigorous action to protect ourselves! The problem is that most of us don’t face physical danger that requires us to fight. Our perceived danger is emotional or relational, so a different approach needs to be exercised. Learning that approach is critical to overcoming a tendency to anger.
Say no to “anger management”
As a psychotherapist, I don’t help people “manage” their anger. I help them find out what underlying emotions are being masked by the anger. The anger may be hiding feelings such as fear, humiliation, hurt, rejection, loss, frustration, and sorrow. Many of these emotions leave one feeling raw, exposed, and vulnerable. Anger protects us from the vulnerability of these painful emotions. Anger is safer. It also often pushes people away from us, protecting us from more pain.
Most people don’t realize they are doing this. Most people don’t really want to fly off the handle so easily. But subconsciously, anger is the lesser of two evils.
For example, a woman who carries a deep-seated fear of loss since childhood due to abandonment by a parent may consciously want a good relationship as an adult, but anger keeps damaging every relationship she has. Subconsciously, she may be protecting herself from being hurt again. By uncovering the origins of her behaviors and emotions, we can resolve them in a safe environment and work to develop alternative, healthier behaviors and emotional responses to triggers.
If you find yourself struggling to overcome anger, consider the possibility that something else deeper may be going on. A professional therapist can help you find the root causes and work with you to overcome them. If you’re in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help you.