Infertility can be heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting. Although men and women cope differently with infertility, both feel the emotional impact. Couples should turn to each other for support in order to ease the emotional toll and maintain mental health as they address their fertility challenges.
Infertility treatments—medical procedures, appointments, and medications—can be physically exhausting, draining time and energy from a couple. But the strain on your relationship and your mental health can be just as challenging. It’s important to be aware of the signs of such strain so that you and your partner can avert any escalation of these problems and get the help you need to deal with them.
Red flags
Watch for signs that your mental, emotional, or relational health is suffering and needs attention. For instance, infertility almost invariably attacks self-esteem and leads to the blame game. You may feel defective, inadequate, or like a failure. You may blame yourself or your partner.
Do you ever find yourself thinking, “What’s wrong with me?” “What did I do to my body to cause this?” and even worse, “What did I do wrong to deserve this?” Do you ever think these things about your spouse? Guard against this negative self-talk and these false messages!
Infertility can cause feelings of jealousy towards those who easily conceive or already have children. It can cause social anxiety, making you feel like withdrawing from social situations where you will see children or where people may ask about why you don’t have any children.
You may experience anger or resentment at unsolicited advice or thoughtless words. You may have emotional swings such as bursting into tears and then feeling unreasonable anger or complete lethargy and disinterest.
These are all examples of the emotional toll of infertility, and they should not be ignored. Your relationship with your spouse and any children you have requires you to be mentally healthy and resilient. But what can you do?
Getting help
If your mental health, marriage, work, or relationships are suffering from your struggles with infertility, please know that it doesn’t have to be that way. Find a mental health professional who specializes in treating couples dealing with fertility issues.
Even before reaching out to a professional, your first step should be practicing some self-love. If you’re engaging in negative self-talk, ask yourself, “Would I talk that way to my best friend?” No, of course not! So begin to talk to yourself internally the way you would talk to someone you love who needs support. Then turn to your spouse and offer him or her the same loving support. This is an important first step on the path to healing.
The good news is that addressing mental health issues can improve the chance of getting pregnant. Several studies on the effect of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) on couples dealing with fertility have measured both a decrease in anxiety, depression, and anger as well as an increase in fertility rates. A year-long follow-up among participants found a viable pregnancy rate of 55% for the CBT group and 20% for the control group. CBT is one of the methods that I use to help my clients. Couples counseling during IVF treatments has also demonstrated lower cases of anxiety and depression and higher pregnancy rates.
I encourage you to find a psychotherapist near you who specializes in infertility counseling in order to get the help you need. If you are in the NYC area, contact me today to see how I can help you.