Criticized in the Workplace

Posted on October 9, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

There can be many reasons and causes for receiving criticism in your workplace. Let’s make a distinction here between criticism that comes from a bully or a toxic work environment and work-related criticism from a boss or co-worker who perceives a problem. It may not be possible right away to know the difference, and the criticism may be causing you anxiety, depression, or a decrease in your work quality. 

It’s so important to address these feelings and the criticism that is causing them. However, it’s often helpful to talk it out with someone before taking steps that you might regret. Whether you have a strong support system who can help you make good decisions or you choose to talk to a professional, there are some steps you should take.

I’ve talked about toxic bosses and general meanness in other articles. Signs of toxic or mean behavior include personal attacks, over-the-top negativity, yelling, criticism in front of others, criticism for things out of your control, and gaslighting. These issues are quite serious and may require getting management or HR involved in the resolution. 

In this article, however, I’d like to focus on general criticism and what steps you can take to manage it effectively. 

Types of criticism

In any work situation, you will experience correction or criticism from bosses or co-workers. It may be meant to help you improve your quality of work or your interaction with the team. It may be presented well or it may be presented poorly. Either way, you need to develop a successful response plan in order to deflect negativity and internalize the helpful message that may be intended. 

Many bosses and teammates have not been trained on the ways to offer criticism in a constructive manner – or if they have been trained, they have not yet mastered it! So, some valid criticism may be expressed very poorly. It’s up to you to react properly.

Handling criticism in the workplace

Here are a few DOs and DON’Ts when you receive negative feedback, regardless of how well or how poorly it is presented.

  • DON’T become immediately defensive. DO listen.
  • DON’T react in anger. DO assume good intentions.
  • DON’T make excuses. DO ask questions to clarify.
  • DON’T take it personally. DO thank the person, if there is any foundation in the feedback.
  • DON’T blame yourself. DO treat yourself kindly, recognizing mistakes are a part of learning.
  • DON’T act arrogantly. DO show some humility.

These suggestions can be especially difficult for people who have experienced a lot of criticism in their lives or have low self-esteem. People who have had painful relationships in the past and have developed self-defense mechanisms may find those mechanisms showing up in the office when they’re criticized. 

We also have to realize that the shoe could be on the other foot. The person criticizing you may have some self-esteem issues and is acting out his or her own self-defense mechanisms. Realizing that we are all coming from a different place and others may be acting out of their own wounds can often help us be more understanding and compassionate, even to those who have a hard time offering constructive criticism in a way that is not hurtful. 

When the criticism is unfair

You may find sometimes that the criticism, whether it was well-meaning or not, is not warranted. When this happens, continue to follow the principles above, but gather evidence to demonstrate the truth. This could include logs of communication or documents showing your work. Document all conversations. Collect witnesses, if necessary.

Start with the least offensive steps, such as discussing it directly with the person in private and showing your evidence. If that isn’t sufficient, depending on the structure of your company you may go to your boss or HR department. You can also try again in the presence of a witness who can vouch for your position. Always remain professional and as positive as possible, since you will probably continue to work with this person.

Again, this can be difficult. You may need help developing a constructive plan to address workplace criticism. Or you may struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, or depression that is complicating the situation. Working with a counselor could help you define the sources of these feelings and develop helpful techniques and patterns of thinking to overcome them. Healthy self-esteem makes it much easier to handle all negative events in life. 

If you need help with workplace criticism and you live in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

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What Happens in Your First Therapy Session and How to Prepare

Posted on October 9, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

It is perfectly natural to be nervous for your first therapy session. First, know that I applaud your effort in making the appointment. That is a great first step!  

Scheduling that first therapy session can be difficult, even frightening. But you’ve done it, and you can congratulate yourself for taking that courageous step towards a healthier life. Still, you may have some concerns and fears. Allow me to allay those fears and prepare you for this first, important meeting with your therapist. 

As a psychotherapist in New York City with an orientation in psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapy, I help many individuals and couples overcome a variety of challenges, from depression, anxiety, and marriage and infertility counseling. I have found that when my clients know what to expect and have taken the time to prepare themselves for a successful session, we are able to accomplish so much more in subsequent meetings, leading to positive outcomes.

Let me share what you can expect from me in our first meeting. I will also let you know what you can do to prepare. Most therapists will likely follow a similar procedure. 

What to expect

When you arrive, you may have paperwork to complete; if so, I will let you know ahead of time. We may have already discussed your insurance coverage and any documents that you should bring to the first appointment, if any. 

I will begin with simple questions to make you feel comfortable. Then I will guide you through a series of questions to help me understand some background about you, your needs, and your goals. Questions I might ask:

  • What brought you in today?
  • What are your goals for therapy?
  • What symptoms are you experiencing? (anxiety, depression, problems with your spouse or at work)
  • How do these symptoms present themselves? (anxiety accompanied by panic attacks; marital problems resulting in explosive fights, etc.)
  • Have you had any therapy previously? What worked and what didn’t?
  • Is there any family history of these problems?
  • What helps now, if anything?
  • Do you have a support system, friends or family who are trying to help?
  • Are there any other important concerns or important factors in your life that I should know about?

These are the types of questions I usually begin with, although each individual is different and I may need to expand in different directions, depending on your specific need. As we proceed I’ll share with you what I have heard to confirm that I understand. Then I’ll offer my preliminary thoughts on what steps would be best to take in future sessions. We can discuss in a broad sense the types of strategies, patterns of thought, and a “toolbox” of tactics that will help.

How you can prepare

Now that you know what you can expect, you can prepare for a successful first meeting. Here are some strategies:

  • Knowing the questions I’ll ask, take time before the session to ask them of yourself and prepare honest answers.
  • Sometimes in our first session, you may have to delve into uncomfortable or painful memories that you might be hesitant to address. Going into those places more deeply will probably be necessary in future sessions in order for you to find the healing that you seek. But in this first session, before you know me well, you may be hesitant to share. Please be assured that I will keep all that you share in strict confidence; it is not only the law, it is the ethical and compassionate thing to do.
  • Recognize that we will collaborate to figure out the answers to your questions. It is my job to help you address the root causes of your situation and guide you as you make the discoveries and the interior changes necessary to be healed and whole again.
  • Prepare any questions you have for me.
  • Reserve some “me-time” before and after the session. Give yourself a little pampering ahead of time so that you are relaxed. After the session you may be a bit emotional, so you’ll need to wind down with something that you find peaceful. Make plans and clear your schedule to allow for this extra personal time.
  • During and after the session, ask yourself, “Are we a good fit? Do I feel comfortable sharing with this person? Do I feel like she understands my situation and has the experience to help me?” Not everyone clicks with a particular therapist. Personalities and styles need to mesh. But if you’re not sure the first time, give it a couple of sessions before looking elsewhere. You’ve taken a big first step; give it some time before starting over with another therapist.

These are just a few ways you can prepare for your first therapy session, no matter who your therapist may be or what your concerns and needs are. I sincerely hope you find the help that you need, whether it’s a matter of feeling stuck and needing guidance to find a new direction in life or a matter of deep trauma that requires more intense therapy. Find the help you need from a licensed, experienced therapist in your area who specializes in your issues. If you are in the NYC area, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Boundaries Around Election Discussions in NYC

Posted on September 26, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Politics can be an emotionally charged subject for many people, and election season can be especially stressful. If you find that the people around you talk about politics in a manner that makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to take action to protect your own mental health and communicate boundaries around discussions.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have helped many clients develop boundary strategies. Such strategies have helped alleviate a lot of stress and anxiety. The strategies around political boundaries are very similar to boundaries around any other subject that may cause you discomfort. You may be open to some discussion, but certain behaviors or manners of discussion may make you uncomfortable or trigger you. Start by communicating your feelings to your co-workers, friends, and family. 

The closer you are to a person, the more their comments can upset you, because it is easier to take things personally. But since family and friends know you better and care about you, you can be more honest and express why you have to set these boundaries. 

To co-workers, simply request that they leave you out of their political discussions. Ask them not to discuss politics near your work area. Or, you can ask that the conversation remain neutral, without inflammatory rhetoric, only facts. These are certainly reasonable requests. If the conversation goes in a more volatile direction, simply excuse yourself. You do not owe them any explanation. 

The strategy can be similar with your friends and loved ones. However, you can be more personal with them because they certainly care about your emotional well-being. You should also consider allowing them to share in the building of boundaries. 

For instance, while it might be unreasonable to ask your family not to discuss politics during a family get-together, especially when there are upcoming elections, you can ask that people not discuss politics at the dinner table.  

As with your co-workers, you can ask your family to save inflammatory rhetoric for when everyone present feels the same way with the same degree of passion. If your family has a hard time with that (and certainly, some people are very emotional while still remaining very good people) you can simply let them know that you will excuse yourself when they get started. Clarify that it’s nothing personal, you’re just not comfortable with the conversation. They can have their discussion happily without you.

The important thing with boundaries, whatever the subject matter, is for you to develop the skills to say “I’m not comfortable talking about this subject right now” and stick to it. Change the subject, or politely excuse yourself. You have a responsibility to protect your mental health. 

In the process, try to remember that the people who are discussing things that upset you are not bad or rude – they’re just different from you. They’re ok with it, you’re not, and you should both respect each other’s comfort levels.

Sometimes people who feel passionately about something forget to be courteous toward others who either feel differently or who feel uncomfortable with strongly expressed opinions, even if they may agree with them. Try to protect your mental health without thinking ill of other people. They probably don’t mean it. Maintaining kind thoughts toward others (or at least neutral thoughts) will help you maintain a positive attitude, which is critical for mental health.

If you are in the NYC area and you need help creating boundaries, or if you feel you would benefit from talking to an expert to develop healthy strategies to combat anxiety, depression, or any other emotional issue, please contact me. I am here to help.

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Election Anxiety in NYC

Posted on September 26, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Every election season is fraught with a degree of tension and stress, but recent and upcoming elections have become increasingly more emotionally charged on both sides of the aisle. No matter where you sit on the issues, you probably feel the heat. It’s important to know how to turn down your anxiety levels in order to get through this season – and beyond – with a degree of peace, no matter who wins. However, as a psychotherapist in New York City, I have found that different techniques work for different people. Let me suggest a few strategies that could help you. If you need more help, don’t hesitate to reach out for some professional guidance. 

Good strategies for everyone

Certain techniques help with stress and anxiety, regardless of their source. You may have heard of “mindfulness.” This is a broad term for a wide variety of techniques to help you pay attention to the present moment and interrupt racing thoughts or reflexive fight-flight-or-freeze reactions that may take over when anxiety hits. These come in various forms of relaxation and meditation, such as simply stopping and taking some deep breaths while listening to the sounds around you; focusing on what each of your five senses is experiencing at that moment; or meditating while lying down, sitting, walking, or stretching.

These techniques can help when anxiety looms, but they are only part of the process of overcoming anxiety. I help people examine their thoughts and retrain their thinking away from negative, fearful, or painful thoughts to positive and helpful thoughts. Mark Twain, known for his often humorous but truthful statements, once said, “I’m an old man now. I’ve lived a long and difficult life filled with so many misfortunes, most of which never happened.” When we rehearse in our minds negative things that might happen, we create the anxiety we would experience if it ever did happen. Thus we suffer from the event, even if it never occurs. 

None of us really consciously intends to do this, but our minds can start racing before we know it. I help people learn to recognize these thoughts. I teach them how to redirect their thoughts so they can take the exit ramp off that mental highway into more pleasant terrain.

Get involved…

Some people feel their anxiety lessens when they get involved. By getting involved, you may feel that you are able to take some control of the situation. Consider volunteering for a politician you support, donating to a cause you believe in, or contributing in some other way that feels safe but meaningful to you.

Two warnings, however: If you get involved with other politically-charged individuals who are discussing the issues in a very emotional manner, your anxiety might actually increase; and if your chosen candidate loses the election, you may experience some anxiety or depression.

Before taking this route, ask yourself if feeling like you tried to make a difference will give you sufficient comfort to avoid future anxiety, even if your candidate loses.

…or turn it off

If you feel that such an environment would not work for you and might make you feel worse, you are not alone. For most people, the best way to decrease anxiety is to significantly decrease their exposure to news and drama.

I am not suggesting that you ignore the whole election process. It is very important for all citizens of the United States to be aware of the issues, do a reasonable amount of research from both perspectives, and plan to vote. However, many people overdo it and find themselves ramping up their anxiety.

Take authority over your exposure, and that includes controlling the conversations that you participate in. People who are particularly passionate about an issue or candidate may make you uncomfortable. Share your concerns and insist – politely – that political conversations remain calm (or not take place when you are around, whichever you need to do).

If you need help developing strategies to keep anxiety at bay, contact an experienced therapist or counselor near you. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

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 Dealing with Adult ADHD

Posted on August 22, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Adult ADHD or ADD can be difficult to deal with. Modern life, especially here in New York City, can be highly stimulating, creating stress, distraction, anxiety, and disorganization in some people. But is it actually ADHD? And if so, what type? What category do your symptoms fall into? Getting an accurate diagnosis can be challenging. 

While you may be struggling with symptoms of ADHD, you may have self-diagnosed (or diagnosed your spouse) based on what you have read or what someone who has ADHD has shared with you. Getting an accurate diagnosis is critical to help you develop the right plan of action to address your particular needs. 

Some people try to cope on their own, but because of the nature of the symptoms, it can be very difficult, like trying to pull oneself up by one’s own bootstraps. If you feel unmotivated, how do you motivate yourself to become motivated? If you are always exhausted, how do you will yourself to exercise? If you’re distracted and disorganized, how do you keep focused enough to organize clutter and develop attentiveness? If you’re anxious, how do you tell yourself not to be anxious?

Overcoming these issues is possible, and the right therapist, counselor, or psychologist can help. It is critical to start working with a therapist you trust who has in-depth knowledge of these conditions and can walk you down a treatment path to find balance in life. 

As a psychotherapist oriented towards psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapy, I work with clients to find underlying causes of the issues that have brought them to my office. The problems you are dealing with may be rooted in a medical condition, which may find some alleviation through medication, but there may be other causes that we can work together to discover, to either free you from your symptoms or reduce them to a manageable level.

Once we look into possible causes or triggers, we will be able to chart a course of action. Some strategies, depending on your symptoms and your personal situation, include:

  • Making changes to your work or home environment that will make it easier to maintain an orderly environment
  • Using technology, such as apps, to help you maintain an accurate schedule, provide reminders, and help you track things like budgeting, exercise, and healthy food consumption
  • Developing relaxation techniques to improve sleep
  • Examining root causes of anxiety or negative inner voices and re-learning how to think about yourself and events in your life

The most important thing is to come in and talk about the issues you are experiencing. You may just need a little help getting some structure put into place in your life, or you may need to heal old wounds that have set up negative patterns of thought and behavior that have caused your symptoms. You may have ADHD, or some life experiences to work through, or both. We won’t know until we talk. If you are in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help you.

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Mean-Spirited Co-Workers? Here is What to Do

Posted on August 22, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

When you find yourself on the defensive at work because of the behavior of a co-worker, try not to respond in kind or make major decisions in the moment. Take some time to evaluate before deciding your strategy for dealing with the situation. Depending on what’s going on, it might be helpful to go over everything with a trained counselor to help you assess its real source so that you can react accordingly. 

Why are people mean?

It’s important to distinguish between unintentional and intentional meanness because they are handled very differently. Just as every person is different, so are their causes and motivations, but it is often possible to make some broad assessments in order to create a plan for neutralizing the behavior’s effect on you.

Let’s first clarify what we’re NOT talking about; we’re not referring to any physical meanness that involves your body or your personal space. No one should ever touch you without your consent, and that behavior should be reported immediately. If you see someone taking your things or damaging your property, that must also be reported.

By “meanness” or “being mean” we mean verbal unkindness in many forms. I’m sure you remember as a child complaining to your parents or teacher that “so-n-so is being soooo mean!” I remember it! Meanness is childish behavior that occurs when someone doesn’t get his or her way or doesn’t know how to cope with the events in his or her life. This can lead to both unintentional and intentional meanness. 

Unintentional meanness

When you perceive someone has been mean to you, in some cases, it may be an innocent misunderstanding. Someone may not have adequate training or awareness of office procedures or office culture and may do something that seems like meanness but is actually just ignorance. 

Others may come off as mean because of things happening in their own lives. A person with a terrible headache may be frowning and snapping out of pain. The person may also have personal problems of which you are unaware – a sick child or parent, marital strain, unstable housing – which could be causing the negative behavior. 

People under this kind of pressure may not notice that they’re coming off mean; then again, they may. Such behavior could be a way of pushing others away while they are in emotional pain. Lashing out at others may also release some anger or pain they are feeling as they unburden themselves upon someone else.

This behavior is certainly not acceptable, but it should engender in us some compassion. Assuming that the person’s behavior is not about you but is caused by their own personal problems can help prevent you from personalizing or internalizing the bad behavior as a statement about your value and worth as a human being or as an employee. 

Intentional meanness

Intentional meanness may also come from a place of pain on the part of the mean person; actually, mean people are always in pain in some way, though they may not realize it. 

Some people are mean because they feel threatened by you. If you are better at your job, more attractive, more popular, or have a better family life – whatever the mean person perceives as better – you could become an object of attack. These people have low self-esteem or unhappy lives and can become jealous of others whom they perceive as better off. You won’t always realize this right away, but after a while, you may pick up clues that will help you realize that the person’s behavior is a reflection on her, and not on you.

Others may lash out when things go poorly on a project at work, trying to find a scapegoat to blame. If you are caught in the crosshairs of someone’s attack, your quality of work and your professionalism will be criticized. This can cause tremendous strain and require you to defend yourself with ample evidence of your quality of work or your qualifications. If, however, that person is not in a position of authority and most people do not believe the person’s words, you could just ignore the person’s behavior or quietly mention it to a supervisor. 

The most significant meanness is rooted in maliciousness, mental illness, or psychopathy. This behavior can often be subtle, especially with psychopaths and narcissists, who know how to manipulate people and create a group of supporters to stand with them against the victim. Whispering, gossiping, gaslighting, using racial slurs, controlling, and manipulating – these behaviors go beyond petty meanness and rise to the level of workplace harassment, bullying, and abuse. Do not allow this behavior to continue without reporting it to authorities within your workplace. 

Why we react the way we do to meanness

Negativity tends to generate attention. This is a survival mechanism. We are less likely to make a mental note of the basic human decency all around us because we expect people to behave that way. But when someone treats us poorly, we notice. This is because bad behavior is potentially dangerous. We should notice it. But one of the best ways to lessen its impact on our emotions is to begin to notice all the kindness around us, too. 

If you need help evaluating the type of office meanness you may be dealing with and developing a strategy to neutralize its effect on you, contact an experienced counselor near you. If you are in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help you.

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Your Mental Health Is Critical

Posted on August 22, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

In our modern world, mental health seems to be on the decline–partly due to our fast-paced lifestyle, partly to the intrusion of technology in our lives, and perhaps partly due to the food we eat and the pollutants in our environment. 

Whatever the causes, if you’re experiencing mental health issues, such as anxiety, stress, depression, extreme mood swings, or any other problems, do not ignore these symptoms. Start making some changes to improve your mental well-being and reach out for help from a professional, if needed.

Lifestyle causes

Most of us find our days flying by without being able to take the proverbial breath. Work consumes most of our days and we allow few opportunities for recreation or healthy interactions outside of work. If we have families, we may be touchy and stressed when we get home, causing a negative atmosphere in the one place where we should be able to relax and unwind with those we love.

The constant fast pace can make it very difficult to relax enough to sleep well. On top of that, most of us sit for the majority of our days and grab quick meals of questionable dietary value, filling ourselves with coffee or some other stimulant to keep us going when our bodies are trying to tell us to stop.

Technology causes

There’s no doubt that the internet and more specifically the smartphone and social media have had a very negative impact on mental health, especially the mental health of young people. While social media was initially intended to bring people together, it seems to have had the opposite effect. While it’s great to be able to keep in touch with loved ones living on a different coast, in some cases, social media has become a replacement for meaningful, face-to-face relationships, creating a feeling of isolation and loneliness for many people.

Since people tend to post the best versions of themselves online, social media users may begin to compare their own lives to the idyllic versions of someone else’s life, leading to lower self-esteem and greater dissatisfaction with oneself and one’s own life. The posting of ideal bodies, often adjusted by filters, causes body-image issues, especially in young women. Online bullying has become a serious problem as well, as bullies have such a wider audience and a single incident can humiliate a person in front of thousands and potentially millions of people.

The technology itself may also cause mental and physical harm. Some people are adversely affected by the electromagnetic waves produced by cell phones that are held against the ear for hours. The blue light emitted from computer screens throws off our circadian rhythms and damages our sleep cycles. 

Environmental causes

While there is some disagreement regarding what constitutes an environmental hazard and what may be affecting human health, both physical and mental, there is no doubt that our soil, water supply, and even our food contain a variety of chemicals, microplastics, and very low-level toxins. What is considered a “safe” dose of pesticide?

What you can do

Your body is a holistic system and your mental, emotional, intellectual, and physical health are interconnected. Making some lifestyle changes and adjusting your inward dialog will improve your overall health.

Start by considering what factors may be causing you to feel imbalanced, unwell, or mentally off. As a psychotherapist in the New York City area, I have helped many clients examine their lifestyles and their environments to determine what may be causing their mental or emotional health concerns. Together we create a plan to address these factors and create an atmosphere of positive energy. 

Consider taking these steps before reaching out to a mental health professional. You may find that these are all you need in order to dramatically improve your emotional well-being.

  • Turn off technology. You may need your computer and cellphone for work or to keep in touch with your spouse or children when you’re not around, but pick a time every day that you turn off the technology. Whether it’s the constant distractions or the electromagnetic waves that are bothering you, separating yourself from technology for at least an hour every day and working up to longer periods will likely result in a calmer, more peaceful you.
  • Make it a point to have some recreation period every day that doesn’t include technology. That might be reading a book over a cup of tea to unwind at the end of the day, or it may include just walking the dog without listening to a podcast, perhaps taking time to appreciate nature or spend quality time with a loved one.
  • Exercise. Studies indicate that a daily brisk walk is as effective as medication for moderate depression due to the chemical changes that take place in the brain when we exercise. It is also extremely valuable for the body, getting the lymphatic system circulating, drawing fresh air into the lungs, and strengthening the muscles.
  • Get enough sleep. Turning off your technology early and keeping the phone on the other side of the room at night may help you get your healthy sleep cycle back. If necessary, develop relaxation techniques to do before bed.
  • Eat a healthy diet, avoiding processed foods and fast foods. Try whole, natural foods as much as possible and organic foods if you can get them. Replace sodas, which are full of sugar and additives, with clean spring water.
  • Develop positive thinking patterns and habits of thankfulness, mindfulness, and generosity to others. When you change your thinking you change your world. When you give to others, you forget your own problems, at least for a little while. 

If you find these steps too difficult to implement without help, reach out to a friend or loved one to make the changes with you. If you don’t have that option, or if that doesn’t work, reach out to a mental health professional. Many people are still embarrassed by the notion of talking to a counselor or therapist, but there is no shame in getting some assistance in talking through life. Of course, our work is ALL confidential. 

But whatever level of help you need, whether from a friend or a therapist, do reach out to someone to help you make these changes. You deserve to be happy and at peace in your heart and mind. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help you make a plan to get you to that state of peace.

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Gaslighting at Work

Posted on August 22, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Do you feel that you are being manipulated or lied to at work by a colleague, subordinate, or supervisor? This person may be engaging in behavior known as gaslighting. The act of gaslighting another person is considered abusive behavior and is probably causing you an enormous amount of stress and anxiety. Before it reaches a point of causing harm to your career and personal life, let’s talk so we can put together a plan to ensure it does not impact you.  

The term “gaslighting” references a 1938 play called “Gaslight” in which the main character is being manipulated by her husband to think she’s crazy so that he can get her committed to a mental institution and continue his nefarious activities undeterred. The gaslight in the house dimmed every time he went into a supposedly inaccessible portion of the mansion. By convincing her that she was imagining it, hiding things from her and accusing her of misplacing or stealing them, denying events that took place, and other cruel lies, he almost succeeds, as she begins to act unstable. Fortunately, the play has a happy ending; the gaslighter is caught and his gaslighted wife is vindicated. The popular play was turned into a movie with Ingrid Bergman in 1944, becoming a part of American theater history, and giving us a term for this sort of manipulative emotional abuse. 

Gaslighting is more commonly seen in personal relationships, but it can happen in the workplace, as well. It is a form of workplace bullying, but it tends to be more subtle, thus making it difficult to detect early on. You may gradually find yourself feeling off-base, unsure, and under-confident, and you can’t quite put your finger on why. If you’re feeling this way, examine the behavior of your boss or co-workers to see if you’ve been gaslighted.

Gaslighting is a persistent behavior that causes you to question reality or your own sanity. This is distinct from bullying or harassment, although one could argue that it is a form of both. There is always some cross-over with abusive behavior, because the abusive personality may have a variety of expressions. But what sets gaslighting apart is its subtle manipulation to undermine your sanity.

Examples of gaslighting

Below are some examples. Remember, one unnerving event does not count as gaslighting, but if it happens multiple times, you may be a victim of this controlling behavior.

A gaslighter may deny that you turned in a report. You may remember clearly completing the report and putting it on his desk because you stayed late to complete it. But the gaslighter is adamant that he didn’t receive it, so you begin to think up scenarios in which you may both be right – did someone take it? Did it fall in the trash? Did you actually forget to put it on his desk after all? 

You may notice things disappearing from your desk (for instance, a stapler). You see one just like it on your coworker’s desk and you ask for it back, but he insists that it is his. You even see the same scrape on the stapler that you had on yours. He accuses you of lying and trying to take his stuff, making a scene. Now you may begin to second-guess yourself and wonder if you’re remembering correctly.

You begin to hear negative gossip about yourself. This may be a form of submarining, trying to make you look bad in front of coworkers. If someone tells you that a certain coworker is spreading rumors about you and he denies it vehemently and acts like his feelings are hurt that you would ever think something like that about him, you begin to doubt the friend who was trying to help you.

A coworker or boss says things that you consider unkind and you confront him. He then tells you you’re being too sensitive. You talk to him later and he entirely denies that he said such a thing.

Your boss does not tell you about an important meeting to attend, or she tells you it’s not important that you attend. Then when you don’t show up, she uses that as an opportunity to suggest at the meeting that you are a poor worker and blames you for not attending. She denies that she didn’t tell you about the meeting or that she told you not to attend.

A boss gives you constant negative feedback, tries to burst your bubble when you’re excited over a new project, and belittles work that you’re proud of. When he sees you are beginning to crack or he thinks you may be ready to quit, he gives you unexpected praise, even in front of others, to build you back up. Now you start to regret thinking ill of him, but you also wonder why he’s praising you for this small thing when he was tearing down all the great work you were doing before. Or was he? You start doubting your memories of his bad behavior, wondering if you really were oversensitive. You start to think that maybe he really is a great guy who appreciates your work. Maybe it really is all your fault, after all. 

This is where gaslighting leads you – to a state of self-mistrust, self-blame, anxiety, and instability. This emotional abuse can be truly devastating. Gaslighters need control of the people they gaslight. They don’t want you quitting and they don’t want you figuring them out. 

What do you do about gaslighting?

If you’ve finally started to see through the gaslighter, don’t try to confront him alone and without hard evidence. Start keeping a journal and documenting everything. Don’t give things to him by hand or tell him things verbally; send emails and texts so you have a paper trail. Record meetings. In some states, all parties involved have to agree to a recording, but New York State, where I am located, is a one-party consent state. Hitting the record button as you enter into a meeting with your boss or coworker is a legal activity. Out of courtesy, you may inform those present that you are recording, but if the gaslighter refuses to be recorded you can refer them to New York Recording Law. 

Once your gaslighter knows you are onto them, their behavior may change. Or they may become less subtle and more belligerent or try to undermine you with their superiors. Don’t back down. Get other coworkers to support you and present your evidence. You will feel a real sense of accomplishment when you are able to stand up to a gaslighter. Undoubtedly, you’re not the only person they are mistreating. 

If you need help with strategies and with standing up to a bully or gaslighter in your life, reach out to an experienced counselor in your area. If you are in the NYC region, reach out to me. I’d love to see how I can help you.

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How to Offer an Effective Apology

Posted on July 9, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

No one is perfect, and sometimes you’re going to make mistakes that hurt others. When you offend your spouse or partner, you’ve hurt one of the most important people in your life. An apology is in order, but many people don’t quite know how to apologize effectively.

What an apology is not

Many people have trouble admitting they were wrong. Other times, we may think we were right and our loved one took it wrong. In these cases, we may come out with these common one-liners:

  • I’m sorry you feel that way.
  • If I’ve offended you, I’m sorry.
  • I’m sorry I used that tone/those words. 

These might actually be true statements. Perhaps what you said was valid, but you said it rudely. So you are adequately apologizing for your tone, but not your message. You and your spouse might sincerely disagree on something and you regret that he or she feels differently. But you’re not sorry for your opinion, so it’s not really an apology. 

If this is the case, the two of you need to work out your differences until neither of you feels hurt by the other one’s position or opinion. It’s not something to be ignored. Conflict resolution is a skill that must be learned, especially in a romantic relationship. As a psychotherapist and couples counselor in New York City, I have helped many couples find a way to communicate in an atmosphere of trust and respect in order to resolve differences and move forward.

What an apology is

A true apology is recognizing that you have been wrong, acknowledging the hurt, showing remorse, and making atonement. All those steps are necessary. An apology is not saying, “Sorry, but…” If you qualify your statement or make excuses, you’re not admitting your mistake, and thus not apologizing. 

When you’ve done something accidentally that has hurt your spouse’s feelings, apologize as soon as you discover your mistake. Take ownership, even though it was accidental. Don’t assume that because it was an accident, your partner should be able to accept a simple “Sorry!” as a sufficient sign of regret. Let’s go through the steps.

“Honey, I’m sorry I said _______________. I wasn’t thinking about your feelings when I spoke. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did, and I’m very sorry. I’m really trying to learn how to think before I speak. Please let me know if I hurt you in the future so I can get better at controlling my mouth.” 

That’s a sincere apology. You’ve recognized you were wrong, acknowledged the hurt, showed remorse, and demonstrated how you are going to change in the future, which is a form of atonement. This gives your spouse assurance that you can be trusted to not do it again (or at least that you’re trying). This shows true love and respect. 

If you have hurt your spouse intentionally, the situation will require a greater degree of remorse and more significant acts of atonement. It may require multiple apologies, acts of kindness, and gestures of love to convince your partner that you are sincerely sorry. 

An apology must be sincere. If you’re not really sorry, don’t apologize. But discuss the situation with your partner to find out why he or she is hurt. With discussion, you may discover where you have been wrong, and perhaps even where your partner has been wrong, so that you can mutually apologize and move forward. 

Taking responsibility can be hard. Forgiving a spouse for repeated hurts, intentional or unintentional, can also be hard. An experienced couples therapist or counselor should be able to help you develop the skills you need to learn to communicate, to forgive, and to grow stronger together. If you live in or around the New York City area and need help in your relationship, reach out to me for an initial consultation to see how I can help you.

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Perfectionism and Your Anxiety

Posted on July 9, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Striving for excellence is a praiseworthy characteristic. Excellence, however, should not be confused with perfection. In our imperfect world, perfection is impossible; predictably, perfectionism is often linked to anxiety and panic disorder. It is an important part of the therapeutic process to learn the distinction between perfectionism and excellence and then assess whether there is anxiety stemming from trying to be perfect.

The cause-effect relationship between anxiety and perfectionism is not fully understood, but a meta-analysis published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology found that people diagnosed with anxiety have a higher rate of perfectionism than those without anxiety.

Perfectionism could be defined as hyper-excellence. It involves having such high expectations that there is little chance of attaining the goal. While it’s important to hold oneself to high standards for one’s professional, sport, or artistic performance, or even in interaction with friends and loved ones, perfectionists often set the bar so high that they are practically setting themselves up for failure.

Perfectionists often equate their self-image with their performance. A mistake is a sign of failure, or even being a bad person. The perceived failure often leads to a flood of anxious or negative thoughts, including ruminating on unreasonable worst-case scenarios that might occur because of the mistake, most of which are highly exaggerated but cause tremendous stress. Over time, this can lead to anxiety or panic attacks. 

Perfectionism can also overflow into relationships, as perfectionists may hold others to their same unreasonably high standards, thus creating serious conflicts with their co-workers, spouse, children, and friends. This can be a source of intense stress in a relationship. 

Strategies for excellence without perfectionism

Perfectionism motivates you to do your very best and encourages self-improvement. However, since perfection is an unattainable extreme, you will never actually succeed, causing negative self-evaluation and even procrastination – if you never finish, you’ll never have to look at an imperfect product. Such an unhealthy view of yourself and your work needs adjustment.

Overcoming perfectionism can be challenging because it requires a mental reset. It takes realizing that doing a great job is sometimes better than doing a perfect job. Being excellent is better than being perfect. There are a number of well-known sayings that are variations on this theme: “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” or “Better done than perfect.” 

To a perfectionist, this can be very difficult to swallow. The goal is to gradually lower your expectations of excellence until you reach a level that is challenging but attainable. You may want to work with a counselor, good friend, or mentor to apply this to specific areas of your life, such as your job or creative endeavors.

Simultaneously, look for ways to boost your self-esteem and separate your self-worth from your work. You are valuable as a human being, simply because you exist. You have worth. Find friends who appreciate you for yourself, not for what you’re good at. Volunteer with a charity to serve those who are less fortunate. Take walks to appreciate nature and unplug from the noise of our busy world. 

Practice mindfulness, which consists of appreciating the moment and silencing the inner voice that is ruminating on what could happen or what happened in the past that can’t be changed. Think of the present, and find something to be thankful for right now. You can research many mindfulness techniques online or meet with a good counselor to find which method works best for you.

Try a few of these methods to release some of the stress associated with perfectionism and see how much more peaceful your life can be. If you’re in the New York City area and would like some counseling to get started, contact me to see how I can help.

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