Postpartum Depression

Posted on February 20, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Postpartum depression (PPD) can occur any time within the first year after having a baby but usually begins within days or weeks after delivery. It is estimated that one in nine new mothers will experience some degree of PPD, regardless of age or number of children. Many factors can lead to PPD. If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, it’s important to review and address all possible causes. As an experienced psychotherapist in New York City who has also worked as a postpartum doula, I have helped many new mothers identify the difference between baby blues and postpartum depression.

Signs of PPD

Most women experience a variety of emotions after having a baby. There’s great joy, but there’s also a little worry – wanting to be a good mother, making sure the baby is all right, wondering how you’ll function with little sleep, concerns about juggling other responsibilities. These are all normal thoughts. But for some women, these normal concerns can feel more intense and can cause anxiety. Emotions can get out of hand and you may want to feel overjoyed but you find yourself feeling sad, angry, and/or depressed, leaving you with little energy or motivation. You might feel as though you aren’t able to care for the baby or that you can’t connect with the baby.

Do not dismiss these feelings as “baby blues” and don’t let anyone else tell you that you’re overreacting or that “this, too, shall pass.” Only by addressing your feelings will they pass. Sometimes the feelings may be so severe that you can’t address them yourself; you need your spouse or family to help you.

PPD can range in intensity from mild to severe and usually last more than three weeks postpartum. Common signs that you may be experiencing PPD include:

  • Excessive or severe mood swings, anger, sadness
  • Feelings of worthlessness or failure
  • Inability to bond with your baby
  • Withdrawal from friends, family, and activities you love
  • Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
  • Excessive sleepiness or an inability to sleep that cannot be attributed to childcare
  • Overwhelming fatigue or lethargy
  • Inability to think clearly or as well as before
  • Fear and doubt of your abilities as a mother

Possible causes of PPD

Causes of PPD can include biological factors, personal history, lifestyle, stress, and personal situations. Each should be examined so that your PPD can be quickly addressed and treated. Some causes include:

  • A history of depression or mental illness
  • Hormonal imbalance, especially if there is a previous history
  • Brain chemistry changes due to hormones and nutrition
  • Poor diet or consuming food or beverages that your body responds to negatively
  • Stress
  • Lack of emotional or financial support
  • Lack of help with the baby
  • Complications in childbirth
  • Lifestyle changes brought about by adding a baby to the family
  • Genetic disposition with a family history of PPD

Finding help for PPD

In my current practice, I help couples through the challenging first few weeks (or months, as needed) after a baby is brought home. I work with both mother and father to circumvent possible triggers in the environment that can lead to PPD. In this way, we are sometimes able to prevent it from occurring or reverse it when it shows up. 

It’s not a matter of just discussing your feelings. It’s important to set up the necessary support that the new mother needs. Historically, new mothers had the help of a wider community, experienced mothers giving them advice and taking charge when the mother needed to rest. Unfortunately, few families have that type of supportive environment in our modern society. Developing a support community or interacting with support groups can make a world of difference, helping to ease the anxiety of new mothers.

Fathers also often need emotional support, though they are less likely to recognize the need or ask for help. This is why it is important to work with both mother and father to help set the family up for success from the earliest days of the baby’s life.

 A multi-pronged approach

My approach, then, is multi-pronged. Evaluation of one’s feelings leads to a deeper exploration of causes. When actionable causes are discovered, such as stress, past traumas, or lack of support, we seek solutions together to address those causes. When there is a history of depression, therapy may lead to deeper healing. 

It may also be necessary to engage the help of a medical doctor or nutritionist to address any biological factors that are causing the symptoms of PPD. Concurrent with addressing the biological and nutritional issues, we can work to establish lifestyle changes that will further ease the depression. For instance, we may develop a plan for a family member or friend to take charge of the baby at a certain time of the day to allow the mother or father to nap, split the family chores or demands of other children, and create a sleep and exercise schedule that offers more rejuvenation.

All possible solutions are evaluated and implemented when dealing with depression, including PPD, since there are many possible factors. If you’re experiencing postpartum depression, or if you have not yet given birth and you are already feeling stress or anxiety, don’t try to deal with it alone. Talk to your partner, your loved ones, and your doctor about what you’re experiencing. Don’t let anyone dismiss it. You deserve to experience joy and health as you bring a new baby into the world. Find a counselor or therapist in your area experienced with postpartum depression. If you are in the NYC area, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Mental Health and Your Pregnancy

Posted on February 20, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

When you are pregnant, the decisions you make affect both you and your baby. Since our bodies are integrated systems, pregnancy causes changes to your entire body, including your mental health. Your emotions, stress reactions, and relationships can all be affected by the hormonal and nutritional demands of your body as you nurture your unborn child. 

It’s important to be aware of these changes so you can know how to respond and maintain a healthy body, mind, relationship, work environment and a healthy baby. Life at times, can be stressful so it is important during pregnancy to finds ways to manage that stress. There are many physical and emotional stressors that can affect the health of the mother, the couple, and the child including the after effects of infertility treatment, medical issues during pregnancy, decreased mobility, lack of sleep, work demands, among others.

Basic health practices

Of course, taking good care of yourself is even more important when you’re pregnant. However, it can also be more challenging. We should always strive to get plenty of rest, exercise, and eat nutritious foods, but this can be harder during pregnancy. You may find yourself more tired or struggling with insomnia, experiencing nausea or cravings, and not feeling up to exercising. Talk to your obstetrician about these issues, and make sure to consider all options including natural remedies. Low iron can be one of the causes of exhaustion during pregnancy. Cravings can be a sign that you may be missing some vitamins or minerals. Speak to your doctor about all your health concerns and work together to find ways to make your pregnancy as healthy as possible for you and your baby.

Mental health practices

Emotional swings and weepiness are common effects of hormonal changes during pregnancy. Being aware of this and having an honest discussion with your partner and others you see often such as co-workers and friends should help to avoid any hurt feelings or damage to relationships. It may even strengthen your bonds, as your loved ones and friends will be much more sympathetic and will probably look for ways to lessen your stress.

Stress, though often caused by hormonal changes, is also a very real part of most pregnancies. You may have concerns about how growing the family may strain finances. You may have a small home or apartment and wonder how you will accommodate a child (or an additional child). If your marriage is already strained, the pregnancy is unexpected, or you are not really excited about being pregnant, then these stressors can negatively effect your mental health during the pregnancy.

Common emotional or mental health issues during pregnancy include:

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Fear and worry
  • Panic attacks
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Loss of motivation
  • Loss of libido
  • Mood swings and irritability

Getting help if you need it

It’s important not to go through these emotional struggles alone. Certainly, talk to your medical team to make sure you are physically healthy and your hormones and vitamins/minerals are in a healthy range. A marriage counselor, one who is experienced in working with couples through the challenges of pregnancy, can play an important role in keeping you mentally and emotionally healthy while simultaneously strengthening your relationship with your partner. 

Sometimes events have unintended consequences. A welcomed pregnancy may cause strain on a healthy marriage; an unexpected pregnancy may, with some counseling, help heal a strained marriage. Either way, don’t allow the arrival of a new baby to cause your mental health or your relationships to deteriorate.

It is important to be in as calm a state of mind as possible when the baby arrives because caring for a newborn can be an even greater strain. For over seven years I was a postpartum doula, visiting couples in their homes, listening, and counseling both mothers and fathers through the challenges and joys of first-time parenting.

If you feel like you need some help managing the challenges of pregnancy and even those first few weeks after birth, I encourage you to find the help of a licensed counselor who is trained in helping couples through the strain of pregnancy and caring for a newborn. If you are in the New York City area, please give me a call to see how I can help. Sometimes, just a few sessions can give you the insights and strategies you need for a healthy, happy marriage, pregnancy, and baby.

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How Is 2025 Going for You?

Posted on February 6, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Are you feeling stuck already, and the new year has just begun? Are you struggling to stick to your resolutions? Does thinking about the year ahead make you feel discouraged? 

The new year can be exciting for some people. For others, it can feel like they’re facing another year of more of the same. An important skill for all of us to learn is recognizing and silencing the negative voice within us that holds us down. Negative self-talk is always counterproductive, even if you think it’s based on some truth (“I never finish my resolutions” or “I can never get ahead, as hard as I try” or “I just can’t find Mr. Right”). 

Sometimes past experiences, trauma, or hard times drag you down. This can make it very difficult to make necessary changes in your life. And sometimes, you just need a little help making realistic goals and knowing how to follow through.

Why resolutions fail

Making resolutions is a sign of hope, so if you’ve made them, good for you! If you haven’t, because you are discouraged that they haven’t worked before, I can share a few possible reasons why they were previously unsuccessful. This knowledge often helps people make better goals.

  • Unrealistic – Sometimes we see the big picture and make the goal too large without dividing it into bite-sized pieces to chip away at the big goal a little at a time throughout the year. And sometimes we just make too many goals.
  •  Lack of planning – If you don’t create actionable steps that can lead to final success, your goal will likely not be accomplished.
  • Not adjusting habits or routines – People are often unwilling to make changes that will help them implement their new goals – for instance, you want to curtail your drinking but you won’t stop going to your favorite bar after work.
  • No support– You don’t have a support group encouraging you in your resolutions.
  • External factors – Unexpected events or pressures over which you have little control may intervene. 

Except for external factors, we do have control over these other obstacles, but sometimes it’s hard to feel as though we are in the driver’s seat. If you want 2025 to be your best year yet and the beginning of even better years ahead, a little guidance from an experienced counselor can make all the difference. If you’re in the New York City area, give me a call to see how I can help. 

How to increase your chances of reaching your goals

The list of reasons for failure can give us hints of how to succeed. A few practical points may help you make successful resolutions this year. 

Examine your reasons for making resolutions. Are you making resolutions because of what other people think about you, because of low self-esteem, or because of a higher reason? For instance, if you want to lose 30 pounds, is it because people have teased you about your weight, because you think you’re unattractive, or because you want to maximize your health? Only the last reason is a strong enough “why” to lead to success. The other reasons are based on fear or self-loathing. In these cases, whether you lose weight or not, you will feel like a failure. 

If you lose 15 pounds and feel a lot better, you’ll still feel like a failure because your goal was off. That negative self-opinion will likely cause you to gain the weight back. Resolutions need to come from a place of strength within, and a true conviction for the good, not out of fear or negativity.

Make a few clear, actionable resolutions with a well-developed plan of action. Write out the steps you plan to take with time frames that will help you meet your goal. Track your goals in a journal, listing your successes and setbacks and what you learned from them. Adjust as needed.

If you’re trying to lose weight, list changes in diet and exercise that should help you toward your goal. Choose one unhealthy food a month to eliminate except for special occasions. For instance, allow yourself pizza once a month instead of once a week. Decide if you need to join a gym or change your commute to work. Consider parking at the farthest end of the parking lot or getting off at an earlier train stop so you walk every day. Simple life changes are the most enduring. Track your weight. If weight loss stalls, that’s ok, it usually does. If you start to gain again, find out why and make changes. Record the improvements that you feel in your health – not being so out of breath when you climb stairs or walk the dog, for instance. 

Find partners to support your resolution. Tell your friends and family about your goals and tell them how you want them to cheer you on. They don’t need to ask how you’re doing. You also don’t want them to shame you when you eat a donut. However, you want to be able to share your successes and talk out your struggles with them so they can give you moral support.

Reward yourself. When you’ve succeeded in your goal, reward yourself! You don’t need to get it done in a year. In fact, you might get close to your goal and be happy with that outcome. Whatever and whenever you succeed, reward yourself. Sticking with our example, buy a special outfit, get professional pictures taken, or take your support group out for a special, healthy dinner. 

Getting help to succeed

This is all great advice, but sometimes it’s really hard to implement it. And sometimes, a person just feels too “down” to take the necessary first steps. If this sounds like you, it could be that you’re actually experiencing “unrealized depression.”

Whether you are experiencing unrealized depression, dealing with past trauma or self-esteem issues, or you just need motivation and accountability, I’m here. If you’re in the NYC area, let’s talk about your goals and how we can help you attain them.

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Are We Heading for Divorce?

Posted on February 6, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

You’re fighting all the time – or worse, you’re not communicating at all. Has there has been a breach of trust or a loss of respect? You wonder if it’s possible to save your marriage, or if it’s even worth trying. You wonder if you are headed for divorce.

In my experience as a marriage counselor in New York City, I would say “yes, it’s worth trying.” You have committed yourself to each other and that commitment means something. You got married because you loved each other. You’ve built a world together, maybe with children, shared friends, shared property, shared experiences. It’s worth trying to save all that. It’s worth trying because you want to be able to look back and say to yourself, “I tried everything I could to make it work”.

How can an appointment with me help? 

In my couples therapy sessions, we will explore the unique patterns that you and your spouse engage in. We’ll work to uncover hidden motivations and develop new methods of communication. We will examine what is wrong in your relationship and what is right, your strengths and weaknesses, communication styles, and each one’s goals and priorities, among other important topics. 

Renowned marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, discovered four patterns that he called “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” because they forewarned marital problems. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (the silent treatment). In my experience as a counselor, I have seen many of those same patterns in troubled marriages. The good news is that many couples are able to find ways to modify these habits to create more functional and beneficial outcomes.

Most problems in marriage stem from patterns of thought that we have developed over time, usually from experiences in our early years. You don’t have to have experienced serious trauma in order to carry “baggage.” It could even be a positive life experience that is at odds with your spouse. For instance, if you grew up in a very neat, orderly home, sloppiness may drive you nuts. This may cause you to lose respect for your spouse, thinking he or she is a “slob.” This is a form of contempt. Maybe you were criticized a lot when you were younger and now any perceived criticism from your spouse results in an angry, defensive response. 

These are the kinds of underlying causes that we can bring to light. In my experience, once a person knows why he or she is behaving in such a way, the person is empowered to behave differently. Being aware of what you are doing enables you to make conscious rather than reactive choices in your relationship.

In my practice, I focus on psychodynamic therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. When necessary, I draw those disciplines into my couples counseling sessions. Psychodynamic therapy focuses on a deep understanding of your unique history of thoughts, relationships, and behavior patterns to help gain insight into how or why you behave as you do. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a more concrete approach, helping a person to make changes in one’s life through positive thinking and self-talk, mindfulness, and other practical approaches. Both of these aspects can be well-suited to finding the underlying causes of disagreements and developing new, healthy relationship patterns to heal your marriage.

If you’re in the New York City area and would like to explore how to begin healing your marriage, reach out to me. You don’t have to be on the verge of divorce. In fact, the sooner you start working on your marriage the better. If you want to strengthen your marriage, therapy may be able to help.

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Individual Goals, Relationship Goals, and Shared Meaning

Posted on January 10, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

In my years of experience counseling couples to strengthen healthy relationships and heal troubled ones, I have found that it is very helpful for couples to have both individual and relationship goals. But an even deeper need is for a couple to have shared meaning, which should be the ultimate goal of all their other goals. 

The challenge arises when the partners disagree but they don’t know how to discuss their differences and come to a healthy consensus. If you are struggling with this, an experienced couples therapist can help you set healthy goals and find that shared meaning.

The difference between individual and shared goals

Goals give you a roadmap to follow through life. It’s healthy to have individual goals as well as goals for your relationship. However, it’s important to set them congruently so that they support and enhance each other. This is the best way to find shared meaning in life and increase your own personal happiness and your satisfaction as a couple. 

Individual goals refer to your development as an individual, such as your career, hobbies, personal development, health, and wellness.

Shared goals can refer to goals that focus on your relationship as well as more tangible goals about your future life together. Relationship goals may emphasize improving communication, spending time together, building shared interests, and increasing intimacy and affection. Tangible goals may include your plans for growing your family, buying a home, or making long-term financial plans. 

It’s important for couples to balance their individual goals with their shared goals so that they do not conflict. Couples can also disagree on shared goals – the level of intimacy, the size of the family, and the pursuit of wealth are common differences that I have helped couples navigate.

Finding consensus

The first step in defining your goals is to discuss them. Make it fun! Plan a special evening, a day at the park, or a romantic overnight stay in order to begin the discussion with the right tone. Each of you should think about things beforehand to be ready to share in your mutual brainstorming session. In preparation, ask yourselves questions about your personal goals, like:

  • What dreams do you have for yourself?
  • What steps would you like to take to improve your physical and emotional well-being?
  • Is there anything you’d really like to do or any place you’d like to go?
  • Do you have career goals you’d like to attain? 

Each of you should also ask yourselves about relational and tangible goals for you as a couple:

  • Would you like to have regularly scheduled time together?
  • Do you want nightly technology-free time, and focus on each other or on the children?
  • Would you like to grow your family?
  • Do you want more intimacy or displays of affection?
  • Do you want to improve your communications?
  • How can you foster more teamwork around household chores or childcare? 

Remember that this time together is not about rehashing problems. If you do have some issues, it might be good to leave the more contentious differences to later or work them out with a counselor. Just start with the goals that you can both agree on. As you strengthen your relationship by applying those shared goals, you can talk again about a few others. 

Usually, as couples develop their relational or shared goals, they begin to find shared meaning. That meaning could be found in a shared hobby or activity or in service to a family or important cause. Couples who find this shared meaning are happier together, have more personal satisfaction, and find it easier to communicate and compromise. 

Learning these skills and finding shared meaning takes time and can be challenging. For some people, couples therapy can be a great resource. I work with couples as a neutral party to help them develop the core skills of communication and compromise. I guide my clients in learning the art of the “soft startup,” gentle and respectful ways to begin difficult conversations. Furthermore, I help them align their goals in a shared vision that also allows each person to express his or her own individuality and pursue personal goals.

Reach out to a couples therapist near you to help strengthen and grow your bond of love and develop your shared meaning. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help you.

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Using Humor to Manage Your Stress and Anxiety

Posted on January 10, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

While we should not “laugh off” serious issues, light-heartedness and laughter have proven physical and psychological benefits that improve our physical and emotional health. In the midst of anxiety, stress, depression, or illness, it can be difficult to maintain a positive attitude. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have helped many people develop this skill, which has led to an improvement in their mood and overall perspective.

Light-heartedness in difficult times

Many people are surprised to discover that humor has been researched and found to be a useful method of therapy and healing. A 2021 study found that those who showed both humor and optimism during the pandemic experienced better well-being. A 2017 study found that laughter therapy reduced symptoms of depression in long-term care patients and helped them sleep better. Another 2020 study showed that older adults living in a nursing home who regularly told jokes and engaged in fun competitions with each other had reduced depressive symptoms.

How do laughter and humor help and heal? Various other studies have found benefits to be both physiological and social.

  • Humor and laughter reduce the stress hormone cortisol while increasing endorphins, the hormones that make you feel good
  • Laughter and positivity may strengthen the immune system by decreasing stress and increasing the release of natural killer cells that fight infection
  • Humor has been found to improve student performance and short-term memory
  • Humor increases pain tolerance by inducing the body to create more natural painkillers
  • Some research suggests that humor may help protect the heart
  • Humor stimulates our natural reward system (when something makes you feel good, you do it more)
  • The very process of laughing stimulates the organs and increases the intake of oxygen-rich air
  • Laughter can increase one’s own personal satisfaction and improve personal relationships, strengthening bonds with others

Introducing more humor

Of course, one should never laugh at the expense of others. This is a form of bullying, which in the long run, hurts the bully as much as the victim. But there are so many wholesome ways of adding humor to your life. Here are just a few ways that I suggest to my clients:

  • Watch a few favorite comedic movies, podcasters, or YouTubers on a regular basis. Give yourself a daily dose, and rotate to keep them fresh and funny. Comedycures.org is a website devoted to offering something to tickle your funnybone, 24/7, whenever you need it.
  • Visit a bookstore and look through the joke books. Find a few that appeal to your humor. Read a joke or two daily that gives you a really good laugh.
  • Share funny stories or jokes with co-workers or family, and laugh together! This helps both of you in all the ways listed above, strengthens your relationship, and creates a positive atmosphere at work or home.
  • Post funny comic strips or quotes around your house or your desk at work.
  • When all else fails, sit back and just force a good laugh. Your brain may know it’s not sincere, but your body will still benefit from the laughter. And this can actually cause the happy hormones to kick in, improving your mood even though your laughter was initially “fake.”
  • If you find yourself frowning, raise your eyebrows and smile. This can also stimulate a positive physiological response and improve your mood. 

Some people can find it very difficult to get started on a path of positive thinking and lighthearted humor in the face of challenges. Therapy can help you identify and overcome barriers to joy. Look for a therapist near you who, where appropriate, incorporates the use of humor in his or her therapy, or if you are in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help you.

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Managing Childhood Trauma

Posted on December 18, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

We are all products of our experiences, both positive and negative. We can all look back on our childhood and recall sad or painful memories, but for most of us, those experiences were not traumatic enough to cause long-term problems into adulthood. But for some people, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) can continue to impact them for years, sometimes without the person realizing the connection. 

Sadly, childhood trauma is all too common in our nation. Many children witness or are themselves victims of physical or sexual abuse. They may live in a community plagued by violence. Many children experience emotional or physical neglect. A child may also be traumatized by natural disasters, the death of a loved one, bullying, or living in financial instability. Being passed around between family members or in the foster care system, even if they are loving caregivers, can impact a child negatively and become a part of subconscious thought.

How an ACE affects a child varies significantly, depending on the child’s personality and other life experiences. Not everyone who witnesses a deadly car accident or is abused as a child will develop serious issues in adulthood, but few people go unscathed. In my experience, I have found that the determining factor is whether the adult can recognize the effect the trauma has had on his or her life and can integrate it into his or her life story in a healthy manner. Few people can do this without the help of a very experienced therapist.

Healing childhood trauma’s long-term effects

As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have worked with many adults dealing with the consequences of childhood trauma. ACEs or childhood trauma can lead to emotional problems such as depression and anxiety; destructive behaviors such as substance abuse or eating disorders; difficulty in developing healthy relationships; poor self-image or self-hatred; and even health problems.

Two of the most powerful methods of addressing and overcoming the effects of childhood trauma are psychodynamic therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy. After getting to know a new client, I discuss the options with the client and recommend the best route.

Psychodynamic therapy: Psychodynamic therapy is a deep and sensitive exploration of problems and issues affecting your life in order to understand your unique history of thoughts, relationships, and behavior patterns. Uncovering the origins of behaviors and emotions leads to the potential to resolve them in a safe environment and an ability to make more conscious rather than reactive choices.

Cognitive behavioral therapy: This form of therapy is a concrete approach to uncovering automatic thoughts that lead to specific behaviors. By becoming aware of your thoughts, insight is gained as to how and why choices are made in life. Some techniques include relaxation exercises, mindfulness homework, positive thinking, self-talk practices, and journaling, all of which help you positively retrain automatic reactions and thoughts.

The effects of childhood trauma take time to heal, and you need to be patient and gentle with yourself as you go through the process. I encourage clients to have a strong support system of friends and family or a support group of others who understand what you have experienced. If you are in the NYC area, I am here to help you navigate the healing process. I have seen many clients overcome the effects of their childhood trauma and be able to develop healthy, lasting relationships and live happy, healthy lives. It may take time, but healing is possible.

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When Your Partner Is Depressed

Posted on December 18, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

When your spouse or life partner is struggling with depression, your relationship will be affected, and you may have to take some proactive steps to secure your relationship as well as protect your own mental health during this time. 

Signs that your partner is experiencing depression include changes in behavior, such as increased irritability or weepiness; withdrawal from you or from activities he or she used to enjoy; sleepiness, lethargy, insomnia; low motivation; substance abuse; and expressing feelings of worthlessness or failure. Sometimes a depressed person may make rash life decisions in order to escape from those feelings, such as quitting a job or having an affair. 

People with depression often don’t notice right away that their feelings or behaviors are the result of depression. Loved ones such as a spouse are often the first to notice and suggest that is the underlying issue. But this must be done cautiously and sensitively. Unfortunately, a depressed person’s behavior can hurt his or her partner deeply before the partner begins to suspect depression.

How to help your depressed partner

If you have been hurt by your partner’s behavior but you’re now thinking it is caused by depression, take a step back. Try to reframe all those hurtful behaviors as caused by a mental health condition. This could help you switch emotionally from a place of hurt to a place of compassion. Depression is rarely the result of a person’s choices. It is usually bio-chemical or caused by deep-seated life experiences that started long before you and your partner met. Your partner’s depression is not your fault, and you should not allow yourself to blame yourself in any way.

Sometimes, the best thing to do for starters is to just listen. Let your partner cry or rant about what is bothering him or her. Suggest talking while walking outside in the fresh air. Exercise has been proven to be as effective as medication for mild to moderate depression. If that’s not possible, go to a gym together or use exercise machines in your home. By exercising while talking, your partner may actually find those feelings dissipate, even in the midst of expressing them.

If your spouse is being unfair or unkind to you, try not to respond with anger or resentment, but firmly tell them that you do not appreciate the treatment. If this is happening, I encourage you to reach out to a counselor or therapist experienced in dealing with both depression and couples counseling. Encouraging your partner to seek counseling would be ideal. Your partner may be more willing to attend couples counseling than therapy for depression, but in the process of couples counseling, your partner may begin to recognize this underlying cause. Couples counseling is a gentle way to help yourself, your relationship, and your partner, all at the same time. 

Try to continue to do the things that you used to enjoy together. Although it will be difficult to get past the lethargy and lack of motivation, your partner will probably enjoy it once you’re doing it and will probably thank you afterward. Having many enjoyable moments in the day or week can help push out those negative feelings and replace them with positive ones.

Self-care is critical

When your partner is depressed, you may feel yourself becoming depressed, too. While it may not be true clinical depression, it is certainly difficult to watch the one you love suffer, especially if that suffering affects your relationship. Make it a priority to protect your own mental health. 

As previously stated, do not blame yourself in any way or allow anyone else to blame you. And just as your spouse needs many positive, happy experiences, so do you. Do things that you enjoy, whether engaging in a hobby, pampering yourself, or hanging out with friends. Keep eating a healthy diet, exercising, and getting plenty of quality sleep. Put your mental and physical health first so that you will be strong enough to help your partner.

Getting help

Most people do need some help from a counselor or therapist to break out of the grip of depression. Find a mental health professional in your area experienced in both depression and couples therapy. If you’re in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

If you’re having trouble knowing how to talk to your partner or how to maintain your own equilibrium in the midst of your partner’s depression, you might want to come in and learn how to manage your experience while talking honestly to your partner. Don’t try to go it alone. Even just a few sessions can make a world of difference for both of you.

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Individual Therapy or Couples Counseling?

Posted on December 18, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

Long-term marriage takes work. Life is in constant flux, and various influences can impact the condition of your marriage. Ongoing efforts must be made to keep a marriage or any long-term relationship healthy. If your marriage has begun to show signs of wear and tear, or if either of you has personal issues that are affecting the marriage, don’t wait to get professional help. As a New York City psychotherapist and couples counselor, I know that couples therapy, sometimes combined with individual therapy, can and often does save marriages and long-term relationships.

Whether you need couples or individual counseling depends on the types of issues you need to resolve. However, if you are in a relationship, I usually recommend that you come in as a couple first. This way we can assess the situation and get a big-picture view of what may be affecting the marriage/partnership.

Individual therapy as a primary strategy

Individual therapy is usually recommended for people who are dealing with specific personal issues, such as depression, anxiety, work stress, or traumatic past experiences that have left wounds. But all of these problems will certainly impact your relationship. Furthermore, there may be interpersonal dynamics that may worsen your symptoms.

When I meet a couple for the first time, I ask many questions designed to root out sources of conflict in the marriage or struggles in the individual. In some cases, I have found that individual counseling is the primary strategy. However, I often also recommend occasional couples sessions. There are several reasons. 

First, if you are working through personal issues and are learning strategies in therapy, you will want your partner to know about them and understand how to interact with you, support you, and respond appropriately. We will discuss this during a combined session. In essence, you’re “keeping your partner in the loop” and showing him or her how to be your cheerleader and support. 

Second, if you only attend individual therapy, you may start to believe that “you are the problem” in the relationship, which is not healthy. Conversely, you may decide that your spouse is the real problem because of your one-sided introspection without involving your spouse.

Third, I have found in my experience that individual issues are often exacerbated by a spouse, intentionally or unintentionally. While you may make progress in a session, things fall apart at home when certain triggers set you off.

Couples therapy as a primary strategy

This leads us to the value of couples therapy. In my experience, relationship problems usually go both ways. In my practice, I don’t look for “who’s to blame.” The blame game is a losing strategy in marriage. Sometimes one partner seems to be causing more of the turmoil. However, the other partner usually plays a part in the ongoing marital problems. For this reason, I have found that for most partners, couples therapy is usually the primary strategy, with possibly an occasional individual session – not the other way around.

In couples therapy, we will identify triggers as to why each of you responds the way you do to certain things. Most of the time, these triggers are grounded in painful past experiences. Together, we will work to identify those experiences, which helps build empathy and understanding in the other spouse and engenders a desire to avoid causing hurt by pushing those buttons. We don’t leave it there, though. I help each of you work to diffuse the power those past experiences have over your emotions, helping to eliminate the triggers. 

We also go over communication styles, which is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship. In couples therapy, I help partners understand each other’s communication needs. We develop effective strategies to improve communication and eliminate hurt feelings and misunderstandings. 

Another benefit of couples therapy is helping each spouse recognize the uniqueness of the other and value that difference. Some of those differences may be the cause of disagreements. Couples therapy can, therefore, help develop strategies of acceptance or cooperation.

In a simple example, if one partner is a night person and the other is a morning person, you may find that you are simply not spending enough time together and are drifting apart. We can examine and resolve any strife it may be causing (making noise while the other one is sleeping, for instance) and develop a daily/weekly/monthly plan for you to put other things aside and spend time together doing something you both love – while you’re both awake and alert.

Some problems run deeper than this. However, the number that can be easily resolved with a neutral third-party counselor to help you recognize and identify issues and develop solutions will surprise you. You will find that couples therapy will enhance your relationship, leading to deeper understanding and a stronger partnership. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to see how I can help you.

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Navigating Holiday Stress as a Couple

Posted on December 18, 2024 by Alisa Hafkin

As much as the winter holidays are supposed to be a time of festivities and family fun, they are also a source of stress for many people. Plan now to work together as a couple to diffuse that stress and make this year’s holiday season truly special.

The winter holiday season is the busiest time of the year and can cause strain on time, financial resources, and emotions. During a short period of just a few weeks, most of us find ourselves pouring time and effort into:

  • Gift purchasing, wrapping, and giving
  • Traveling to various events
  • Attending multiple parties given by family, friends, and work colleagues
  • Hosting our own holiday events
  • Remembering loved ones who may have died
  • Dealing with family with whom there may be tense relations 

Each of these has its own strain on time, budget, and emotions. Planning ahead together is the best strategy to ensure all things go as smoothly as possible. Sit down together well in advance to discuss holiday issues. 

Parties and events: Who is likely to have a party? How many events can we reasonably attend? Will we entertain in our own home, and if so, whom should we invite? Whose family will we spend the holidays with? Are we willing to travel, and how far?

Finances: What will be our budget for various items, such as gifts, travel, food, and entertainment?

Household responsibilities: If one spouse usually does the cooking or cleaning or running the kids around, can you decide on a teamwork arrangement during the holidays so that one spouse isn’t overwhelmed?

Interpersonal relations: Are there any people who cause friction or stress for you, your spouse, or your children? What boundaries can you decide on now and what strategies can you develop to avoid conflicts when you’re together? Should that strategy be simply to avoid that person? How might that affect others?

Self-care: How can you support each other emotionally and physically during the busy time so neither feels overwhelmed or gets sick from strain or overwork? What me-time, couple’s-time, and family-time should you plan so that your own relationship and your relationship with your children are prioritized?

Remember to approach the holiday season as a team, supporting each other and backing each other up when decisions may not be popular with other family members. For instance, if you decide it’s just too much of a strain to try to get to one family event, make sure you present a message of unity: “We have decided as a family that it will be too difficult to make it to X event this year. We hope to see everyone soon at Y event next month.” If there’s pushback from disappointed people, maintain that unity and support each other in the decision.

If you have difficulty coming up with a good plan or just the right words to say to that tough family member, reach out to an experienced family or couples counselor for some guidance. It may only take a couple of sessions to help you develop your holiday plan and stress-busting strategies. You’ll be glad you got the help! If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me. I’d love to assist you in making your holiday extra special this year. 

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