Stress in Relationships and How to Cope

Posted on November 20, 2019 by AHafkin

There are a number of factors in modern life that can strain relationships. It is important to address these stressors as quickly as possible and find ways to overcome them. Some of the top stressors include:

  • Death of a loved one, particularly a child
  • Work-related stress, which can include starting a new job, performing a job, and transitioning into retirement
  • Financial problems or different ideas about the use of money
  • Moving to a new home or area
  • Chronic health conditions or caring for ill loved ones
  • Disagreements about child-rearing
  • Having just too much to do – overbooked schedules or too many projects around the house 

Identify your stressors and your coping mechanisms

When you become aware of stress and you notice your relationship is suffering, ask yourself, “What are my stressors? How are these stressors affecting me emotionally or physically? What coping mechanisms do I use to deal with my stress? Are these methods helping or hurting my relationship?” Your spouse or partner should also ask these questions, since you may both be experiencing stress. 

Some practical advice about working through stress as a couple

Communication is absolutely key to any healthy and successful relationship, as are empathy and a real desire to support each other. You need to first recognize that people have different ways of coping, neither good nor bad – assuming, of course, the coping mechanism does not include intentional harm to self or others. Such behavior is definitely unhealthy and needs to be addressed, preferably with the help of a professional counselor. 

First, identify your coping mechanisms and discuss them together. If your way of coping is to talk it out and your spouse’s way of coping is to shut down, there would seem to be a conflict. However, you can find a compromise. For instance, if the stress is from work, agree together to give your spouse time to calm down, relax, and destress before listening to you talk it out. You may have to wait a short time, but you will get a more sympathetic ear. 

And if your partner is the one who needs to talk it out, don’t be too quick to offer advice. Just listen. Make supportive, sympathetic comments and ask thoughtful questions that show that you are really listening. By no means should you be looking at your cell phone or the TV while your partner is talking! After unwinding, your partner may be open to some suggestions or advice but offer it sparingly. This is time to cope and unwind. Save problem-solving for another talk. 

Don’t compare your levels of stress. Everyone handles stress differently. If you are both stressed, assume you are equally stressed, and for that reason alone, you should both want to help the other, because you know how bad it feels. 

Share private jokes and laugh together. We all know that laughter actually lifts the mood. Sharing laughter together, especially if it is something between just the two of you, increases intimacy and strengthens bonds. 

Do activities together, especially away from work and without the children. “Date night” should be a regular event or some other way that you can share time away from anything stressful. If you can apply some of these techniques, your stressful events could actually help you grow closer.

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Can you Take a Narcissist to Marriage Counseling or Couples Therapy?

Posted on October 16, 2019 by AHafkin

A person who demonstrates narcissistic personality traits can be difficult to help through marriage counseling or couples therapy, though it is not impossible. But entering marriage counseling is only the beginning of healing for those dealing with a narcissist.

What is narcissism?

The narcissist needs to always look good to others and sees the world, and themselves, in black and white: they appear perfect and wonderful in their outward demeanor to cover up a deep feeling of insignificance and lack of self-worth. Unfortunately, this attitude overflows to their relationships: their spouse can do no wrong, or, once “the honeymoon is over,” can do nothing right.

Because the narcissist cannot bear to admit they have done anything wrong (since to do so would be to admit they are worthless), they will do anything to avoid this. They will not take responsibility for any problems in the relationship and will blame their partner for everything. Because they are completely self-centered, they have little or no empathy and cannot recognize – or seem to not care – how they make others feel. Of course, according to them, everything is your fault.

Can couples therapy help?

A counselor or therapist who is not experienced in recognizing narcissistic behavior may be fooled by the narcissist’s charm. The partner of a narcissist is usually quite distraught, with damaged self-esteem and frazzled emotions. The partner’s desperate attempt to make the counselor understand while the narcissist looks hurt but calm can fool the counselor into blaming the victim.

But a good counselor or therapist will not be fooled. If you have gone with your partner to a therapist who was unable to see through the narcissist’s mask, do some research and find one who is experienced in working with narcissists. That counselor can help you find ways to make inroads with your narcissistic spouse.

Since narcissists like to look good to others, they are often willing to show that they can learn quickly. They also like to blame other people or situations for their behavior. An experienced therapist may be able to help a narcissist understand the roots of their personality issues—perhaps situations in childhood damaged their self-esteem so that they developed these traits as a self-defense mechanism. If the narcissist can recognize this, it may be a sign that they are ready to begin changing some behaviors. This will take time as the defense against the belief that they are worthless developed over a life time and is deeply rooted.

Next steps

If you have been able to find a good counselor or therapist who can help the narcissist in your life look at underlying causes and admit there might be some need for change, the next step really should be individual therapy for each of you. Your narcissistic partner needs serious therapy to overcome a lifetime of negative feelings and traits. And you need very different counseling to help you heal from the damage your narcissistic partner has caused and encourage you to find healthy ways to validate who you are and what you do.

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Signs of Mild, Moderate, and Severe Depression

Posted on October 2, 2019 by AHafkin

Everyone has a bad day from time to time, but how do you know when the occasional “blues” is really depression? The distinction isn’t clear, which is why depression is often missed in its mildest form. But catching it early can help you manage it before it gets worse.

Mild depression

Most symptoms of depression are found at every level, whether the depression is mild, moderate, or severe. Common feelings of mild depression include irritability or sadness, a feeling of hopelessness, guilt, or low self-esteem, low motivation at work or school, and a loss of interest in things you used to like. You may feel achy for no reason and be fatigued during the day or unable to sleep at night – or both.

People probably don’t notice your feelings and you might not think they’re worth telling a doctor about. You tell yourself that everyone has stress, everyone has down days, right? Well, yes, but not everyone feels bad most of the time. If you feel this way for a few days out of every week, or if the feelings persist for more than a few weeks in a row, talk to a professional.

Fortunately, at the mild stage, simple changes can make a big difference. You’ve probably heard it before, but it’s true: exercise decreases feelings of depression just as well as some medications do. Exercise causes the brain to release hormones that actually improve your mood, and the improvement is long-lasting. Also proven to be effective are yoga, meditation, and picking up a hobby. Be sure to keep a regular sleep schedule and eat nutritious food to strengthen your brain and heal your mood.

Moderate depression

Moderate depression includes the symptoms of mild depression, only they’re deeper and more frequent. Your low self-esteem may become self-loathing. Your low motivation may mean you just can’t do anything, affecting your performance at work or at school. And you may completely stop doing the things you used to love or stop spending time with your friends.

At this point, you may realize something is wrong. If you’ve stopped socializing, your friends might notice, too. Please talk to your doctor, a counselor, or a support group. Those activities that help people with mild depression will help you, too, but you may need more. Talk therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy, which I use in my practice, can be very effective. Also, the prescription of supplements or antidepressants can be considered when necessary.

 Severe or major depression

This condition requires immediate medical help, because not only are the symptoms of moderate depression present in a deeper form, additional dangerous symptoms such as suicidal thoughts, delusions, and hallucinations can also occur, endangering yourself or others.

Everyone feels the various, individual symptoms of depression at some point in their lives. The difference is that those who struggle with depression have many symptoms at once, occurring frequently or all the time. People with mild depression may feel like they can “handle it” on their own, or “that’s just life.” It’s not. Seek help.

Those with moderate or severe depression may be too unmotivated to even reach out for help, so it’s up to loved ones to help the person with depression see that there is hope and there is help available. Please contact a support network, doctor, or counselor for yourself or your loved one right away. You deserve to feel better.

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The Effect of Infertility Treatment on Your Mood and What You Can Do

Posted on September 16, 2019 by AHafkin

If you’re struggling with infertility, you know the emotional roller coaster it takes you on. But fertility treatments may exacerbate mood swings and emotional stress, so be prepared to combat these symptoms in a healthy way. 

How infertility treatments affect mood

A woman’s natural cycle is an ebb and flow of various hormones, particularly estrogen and progesterone. Although these are our natural hormones, when they are imbalanced, we can feel emotionally unsettled, irritable, or sad. These problems are compounded when additional hormones of various kinds are given to a woman to help her body release eggs and conceive.

Common treatments such as Clomid and human menopausal gonadotropin (hMG) trigger glands in the body to release hormones essential for healthy ovulation. Oral contraceptives, often used in IVF treatment, flood the woman’s body with higher levels of progesterone. Other medications actually suppress hormones that are overproducing in order to treat endometriosis.

If a natural imbalance in our hormones can cause us to feel emotionally off, then forced imbalances caused by artificially increasing or decreasing hormone production can have an even stronger impact. Many women undergoing fertility treatment respond with symptoms of depression, anxiety, or irritability, as well as insomnia and changes in libido. 

In addition to the hormonal treatments, the process itself can cause additional stress and emotional pain. Often there is a strict schedule of appointments, treatments, and behaviors that must be followed for a regimen to have an optimal chance of success. This puts a great deal of stress on a couple, and can also cause the woman to feel like a science experiment!

What you can do to address mood issues

First, don’t blame yourself. Recognize that your emotional responses are natural and, to a large extent, caused by the treatments themselves. Talk to your infertility doctors and be sure they know the emotional symptoms you are experiencing. If they disregard your concerns, find different doctors. Infertility is stressful enough. You need doctors who care about you as a whole person.

Next, find emotional support. Your spouse or partner should be your first and most important support. He needs to know and help you through this time. Then build a circle of sympathetic friends and family, and finally, if necessary, find a counselor expert in helping couples through infertility.

And as always, take good care of yourself. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, and exercise regularly. Exercise can be an effective anti-depressants for lifting a mood.  

You need not be alone as you go through this process. Find the help and support you need and keep yourself healthy, and you’ll get through the treatments with more of an ability to manage your emotions.


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Why Exercise Boosts Mood

Posted on September 16, 2019 by AHafkin

Studies have shown that exercise can be as effective as antidepressants at alleviating some forms of depression and anxiety, and has long-lasting effects without any adverse side effects. While you should always check with your doctor before starting any exercise program, don’t discount this very effective mood-boosting activity.

 Why does exercise improve mood?

There are a number of reasons why exercise boosts mood, starting with what happens in the brain. Exercise releases hormones in the brain that produce positive emotions, including dopamine, endorphins, norepinephrine, and serotonin. These produce feelings of peace, joy, and even euphoria. Brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF) is a protein that soothes, repairs, and protects neurons in the brain, making you feel like you can think more clearly.

But happy hormones and neuron-healing chemicals aren’t the only benefits of exercise. Another is the increased ability to handle stress. When you exercise, you’re essentially stressing your body at a low level – increasing the heart rate and activating the muscles, which trigger yet more chemical responses that actually increase your ability to handle stress.

Besides these benefits, there are plenty of others, depending on the exercise you choose. A brisk walk outside? You get fresh air and vitamin D. Walk the dog while you’re at it and you add the pleasure derived from the companionship of a devoted pet. Dancing provides improved social interactions and the chance to make new friends. And all exercise tones your muscles, providing you with a level of satisfaction and a sense of control over your body as you see yourself becoming stronger and healthier.

 What exercises should I do to boost my mood?

Your exercise need not be vigorous, but it must be regular and frequent. Ideally, moderate aerobic exercise of 30-45 minutes per day, 3-4 days per week can have lasting results, and it’s fine to break it up into 10 minute periods throughout the day. But if you can’t commit to 30-45 minutes, or if you’re just starting out, even 10-15 minutes every day could benefit you.

Walking briskly, biking, swimming, dancing, and playing tennis all provide the right amount of aerobic exercise to decrease stress, anxiety, and depression and boost your mood for the long-term. Clearly, exercise should be a part of everyone’s regimen for optimal physical and psychological health but remember to consult with your doctor before beginning any exercise regimen. If you begin exercising or have been exercising for a while and still do not feel the benefits mentioned above, you may be experiencing depression and/or anxiety that requires additional treatment. Do not hesitate to contact your physicians or a licensed therapist to discuss your symptoms and treatment options.

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Pregnancy and Anxiety after Infertility

Posted on July 31, 2019 by AHafkin

You’re finally pregnant after struggling with infertility; so why aren’t you full of joy? If you’re feeling anxious or numb, know that your reaction is common and natural after such a long period of stress. That said, there are ways to decrease or eliminate these feelings so you can enjoy your pregnancy and your new baby.

Common emotional responses to pregnancy after infertility

When pregnancy is finally achieved after so many disappointments, you may not want to get your hopes up. You may doubt your body’s ability to carry to term and find yourself obsessing over every symptom – or lack of symptoms. You may feel guilty for complaining about morning sickness or aches and pains, feeling like you should be thankful for every discomfort since you’re finally pregnant.

Sometimes a pregnant woman is afraid that anything or everything she does could hurt her baby. You might be concerned about exercising too much or too little, eating the wrong things, even taking a bath! Then realizing you’re too anxious, you may worry that your anxiety could be hurting the baby, which makes you worry more – an ongoing cycle of anxiety.

And when you transition to an OB from your fertility doctor, you may be concerned that the OB doesn’t have the expertise you need or worry that he or she won’t understand what you’re going through.

Finally, some women feel like they don’t fit in anywhere. You may feel like you don’t fit in with other pregnant women who got pregnant easily, and now you don’t fit in with the women you met along your journey of infertility. In fact, you may feel guilty and want to avoid them, because you’re pregnant and they’re not.

Please hear me when I tell you that all these feelings are understandable, but they are not necessary and can be alleviated.

How to alleviate your stress

Make sure your OB has experience caring for women who have high-risk pregnancies or who are pregnant following infertility. Your provider must be understanding and supportive, willing to offer you more tests than most women get, and be able to address your fears and concerns. Do NOT hesitate to tell your doctor about your symptoms! Your doctor will be able to either allay your concerns or address your symptoms if they seem unusual in any way.

Though some women may choose to get a home sonogram or Doppler to listen for the baby’s heartbeat, I would advise against it unless your doctor thinks it is absolutely necessary. The home versions of these instruments are less powerful than those the technicians use, and a heartbeat can be tricky to find on a young baby. You will be worrying yourself unnecessarily. Simply ask for more frequent testing or find an outpatient testing facility that does ultrasounds.

Find a support group with other pregnant women who have struggled with infertility, either in person or online. You don’t know who else may have experienced infertility or miscarriage so this is an easy way to connect with people in a similar position as you are. These groups are really helpful because you can share your experiences and support each other. Your situation is not uncommon, so share your story and feel the love and support from others.

Educate yourself. By learning all you can about a healthy pregnancy, delivery, and infant care, you will feel more empowered and less a victim of circumstance.

Allow yourself to bond with your baby, and don’t feel guilty if it doesn’t come easily or quickly. Talk to your baby in the womb, play your favorite music and dance around the room with your baby. Prepare a system of supportive helpers for after the baby arrives and be prepared for an emotional rollercoaster ride.

New mothers often feel emotional — happy, fearful, and overwhelmed. On top of that, you have years of anxiety and grief that have built up following unsuccessful treatments and/or miscarriages. These feelings won’t go away just because you have a baby in your arms. Be sure to talk these feelings out with your husband, your family and friends, and if necessary, a trained counselor. Find someone who is an expert in dealing with infertility who can help you heal from the past pain and be free to experience joy in the gift of new life.

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Can I Save My Marriage If My Spouse Isn’t Trying?

Posted on July 31, 2019 by AHafkin

It is common that only one spouse is willing to work to save a struggling marriage. Fortunately, in many cases, one partner can make changes that will turn the marriage around dramatically.

Some marriages need to end, especially if there is abuse involved. But in many cases, marriages can be improved with the initial efforts of just one spouse. It is often helpful to walk through the steps with a professional marriage counselor who can help you adjust your approach to your particular situation. The following are the things I suggest to my clients.

Avoid these tactics

No one stays happily married by force or guilt. Do not cry, beg, threaten, or guilt your spouse into staying. While those tactics may work for a short time, they will increase resentment and distance.

Do not make the mistake of thinking it is all your fault – or only the fault of your spouse. Marriage problems usually arise because two good people have made small mistakes that have added up over time, or they have clashing personality quirks. These issues are in and of themselves fixable with the following techniques.

Determine your WHY

Ask yourself: “WHY do I want to save my marriage?” Write down every reason you can think of, and refer back to this list often to help you maintain your focus and purpose. I recommend you keep this private.

Change your thinking

There are multiple components to this step.

  • Remind yourself why you fell in love in the first place. What enduring qualities attracted you? What did you enjoy doing together? How did he or she make you feel? Why? Each day, spend time remembering those feelings and seeing your spouse as you once did. Fall back in love.
  • Do not just focus on the problems, focus on what is good. It is extremely important that you do not badmouth your spouse to your friends. Yes, you need friends to support you, but ask them to support you in saving your marriage and helping you focus on the positive. What does your spouse do, right now in your current situation, that is good? Bring home a paycheck? Help the kids with their homework? Take out the trash? Focus on that.
  • Redirect your thinking when you find yourself dwelling on the negative. Turn on happy music, do an engrossing activity, help someone else.

Change your approach

Whatever you are doing must not be working, so try a different tactic. This is where a counselor can be particularly helpful.

  • Are you being too clingy or attentive right now, when your spouse is not feeling reciprocal? Step back a little, but remain available and emotionally present, if not always physically present.
  •  Have you distanced yourself because of your pain? It is time to step forward into the relationship. Say or do at least one nice thing every day for your spouse. It could simply be to say, “You look nice today” in the morning.  
  • Remember what little things you used to do for your spouse to show affection and try again. Did you surprise her with flowers every now and then? Try it. Did you make him his favorite dish? Make it. Then build from there.

Focus on yourself

While changing what you think and what you do toward your spouse, you also have to change what you think and what you do toward yourself. Unhappy people have unhappy marriages. If your marriage is making you unhappy, you need other means of happiness in your life.

Work on your own health: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. As you do this, not only will you be strengthening yourself for a happy life even if you cannot save your marriage, you will be making yourself more attractive to your spouse. Strength, confidence, and health are much more attractive than weakness.

As a marriage counselor, I help walk people through the changes they need to make to lead them to happier, healthier lives and relationships. If you are in the New York City area, contact me and let us work together on your marriage.

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Calming a Worried Mind – What to Do If You Always Worry

Posted on July 30, 2019 by AHafkin

Most of us worry from time to time, but if you worry too much, or even all the time, you need to learn how to calm your mind.

Many people acknowledge that over-worry is not helpful, but some people think that by worrying about something long enough they will eventually come up with a solution. However, worrying is not problem solving. Worry blocks the ability to think clearly and make good choices, and it adversely affects your physical health.

If worry is dominating your life, try some of these techniques to help calm your mind and get control back.

Techniques to stop worrying

1. Set a “worry period” when you will allow yourself to worry. Make it after the duties of the day but not too close to bedtime, and give yourself a specific end time. Keep it short, maybe 20 minutes. Then throughout the day when you have a worried thought, write it in your “worry journal” to think about later. When you sit down for your “worry session,” look at what you wrote for the day. And remember to STOP when your time is up!

2. Challenge your worrisome or negative thoughts. When you are having your daily worry session and you read your list, ask yourself challenging questions. “Is that really true? What evidence is there to support it? What evidence is there to negate it? What is the likelihood of that happening? Do I have any control over this? If so, what can I do about it? If not, am I ready to accept that there is uncertainty and trouble in life, and that is what makes it so wonderful?” Focus on reality, on putting a positive spin on things rather than a negative, and in accepting that life is full of surprises, both good and bad.

3. Try focus and relaxation techniques. There are many: tai chi, yoga, progressive muscle relaxation, deep breathing, mindfulness. Look them up or talk to an informed friend or professional and find out what’s best for you.

4. Decrease the opportunity for worry and distract yourself. If you know of certain triggers for worry and you can avoid them, well then, avoid them! Watching the news or using social media are two common triggers that are easily eliminated from a person’s life. When you start worrying, turn to something you enjoy: play a sport or a mind game, work in your garden, read a book. Going outside in nature has been proven to be good for mental health, so maybe sit outside and read.

5. Practice self-care. A healthy lifestyle decreases worry and anxiety because it supports the brain, where thoughts begin. Eat well so that you get all your nutrients, exercise daily even if it is just a short walk, and get sufficient sleep. Get involved in a cause or helping others – just make sure it is not something that will further your worry or anxiety.

6. Talk it out. Find friends or a support group you can turn to when you just need to talk it out. Make sure these people will not make your worry worse by feeding it or justifying it. Neither do you want people to minimize it. The trick is to find the right people who actually help you worry less. A professional may be the best option here.

How a counselor can help

If you feel like you need a little more help than these techniques offer, find a counselor who is an expert in the area of anxiety. There are a variety of treatments and your counselor can determine what is best for you.

I teach my patients skills to manage their anxiety and worry, take charge over their thoughts and feelings, and identify triggers. I train them in ways to control both their minds and their physical responses to their anxious thoughts.

If you need help and you are in the New York City area, reach out to me. I’d love to help you.

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Are You at Risk for Postpartum Depression?

Posted on July 9, 2019 by AHafkin

While having a baby can be a joyful and exciting event, sometimes a mother can be hit with the “baby blues”: feelings of anxiety, weepiness, anger, and mood swings. These emotions can last for a few days or weeks and they are not uncommon. But if your “baby blues” last more than a few weeks or your symptoms are particularly severe, you may be experiencing postpartum depression, which should be addressed by a doctor or counselor.

Postpartum depression (PPD) occurs in approximately 1 in 9 mothers, regardless of age, number of children, or situation. PPD can have many complicated causes: a sudden change in hormone levels or other health conditions, worry about your child or your situation, lack of sufficient help, history of depression, to name a few.

Recognize the signs of postpartum depression

If you have any of the following symptoms and they go on for a month or more, you may have PPD:

  • Excessive or severe mood swings, anger, sadness
  • Feelings of worthlessness or failure
  • Inability to bond with your baby
  • Withdrawal from friends, family, and activities you love
  • Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
  • Excessive sleepiness or an inability to sleep that cannot be attributed to childcare
  • Overwhelming fatigue or lethargy
  • Inability to think clearly or as well as before
  • Fear and doubt of your abilities as a mother

What you need to do

Mothers with PPD benefit from counseling and support groups. It is possible to recover from PPD without the use of medication although it should not be ruled out in severe cases. But even with medication, it is important for the mother to develop coping mechanisms and different thought patterns to help her deal with the depression.

If you are experiencing symptoms of postpartum depression, do not remain silent. Tell your loved ones how you are feeling and share with them the level of severity of your symptoms so as not to brush them off as “baby blues.”

For some women with mild PPD, finding a friend who understands or a PPD support group can help to speed her recovery. But for some, this is not enough. This is where a good counselor comes in. A counselor with expertise in PPD can help you understand your feelings, develop skills to deal with those feelings, and create a plan of self-care and self-talk that will bring you out of your PPD as quickly as possible.

Developing postpartum depression does not mean that you are weak or that you are a bad person. As I remind my patients often, we are wonderful, complicated beings affected by both our biology and our interaction with the world. We also have the marvelous ability to grow beyond our difficulties and to become stronger from them. Do not hesitate to get the help you need.

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Second Marriages and Couples Therapy

Posted on June 10, 2019 by AHafkin

You may have heard that second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. But yours doesn’t have to be a statistic if you know what to expect and take steps to strengthen your bond.

If you haven’t remarried yet but are thinking about it, one of the best ways to strengthen your future marriage is to begin couples therapy now, even if you currently have a wonderful relationship. The challenges of marriage, let alone a second marriage, tend to bring out personality traits and baggage that don’t come out when you’re courting. If you’re already married and this is a remarriage for at least one of you, you may be experiencing some problems that need to be addressed.

Complications of a Second Marriage

Emotional baggage

The biggest issue that tends to impinge upon every aspect of a second marriage is emotional baggage. Usually, there’s a lot of hurt and distrust, and the idea of “getting married and living happily ever after” has been shaken. The sense of marital stability has been undermined, and for some people, it can seem easier to “walk away” when things get tough again.

Complicated finances

Money is a major cause of divorce even in first marriages, but second marriages often have even more complicated financial situations. As second marriages tend to take place in later life, one or both of you may have significant assets/debts or financial goals that will have to be blended. Child support or spousal support could strain your relationship, especially if you begin to have children together.

Bad habits

Problems that contributed to the dissolution of the first marriage may persist, leading to the same problems in the second marriage.

Blended family

Juggling all the details and schedules of family members becomes a herculean task when more than one family of children is involved. Add to that the problems that sometimes arise when step-parents try to bond with or discipline step-children and the marriage can get even more challenging.

How Counseling Can Help

Whether a couple has already married or is considering marriage, I help them recognize their emotional issues, personality traits, and habits that could contribute to tension. Together we create strategies to overcome these issues which in turn, leads to more support, love, trust, and intimacy.

Each spouse needs to come to recognize the hurt and distrust they may be dealing with to be able to effectively combat it when it becomes an issue. For instance, if a wife was previously a victim of infidelity, it’s important she not immediately doubt her new husband when he comes home late from work. Recognizing these automatic reactions is the first step to healing them.

I help couples to be vulnerable and to talk to each other about their hurts as honestly as possible. This is the first step toward redeveloping trust. Continuing our example, if the new husband understands his wife’s fears, he could take steps to reassure her until this fear is replaced by trust again.

Developing healthy communication styles that work for each person’s personality is the next key to a healthier marriage. Listening, discussing in a calm, non-accusatory manner, and compromising are important skills for any couple. Part of communication should include defining expectations, which would include the use of finances, disciplining step-children, and any other possible complicated issues.

Finally, we discuss setting aside time for the couple to have quality time alone together and to keep the spark of love a lively flame. It’s critical to recognize that there will be ups and downs in any relationship and that a bad time does not mean that the marriage is failing.

You can make your second marriage work. Get help if necessary, to work through the issues that can shake your marriage, and remember your love for each other.

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