If you’re dealing with infertility, seeing pregnant friends and family can cause a mixture of joy, grief, and jealousy. Of course, you are happy for them, but every person you know who gets pregnant easily while you still struggle—especially if they have other children already—can lead to strong feelings of jealousy and grief. These emotions often increase the pain of infertility, leaving you feeling ashamed for having negative thoughts.
Your emotions are not YOU
It’s important to recognize that your emotions do not define you. Your conscious decisions do. By consciously addressing these strong negative emotions, recognizing that they are natural and choosing to focus on more positive energy, you are taking the first steps toward managing your emotions and developing a healthier perspective. This step alone can dramatically improve your ability to navigate the fertility process.
As a former postpartum doula before becoming a social worker and then a psychotherapist in New York City, much of my practice addresses the needs of couples or individuals struggling with fertility. Feelings of depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, low self-esteem, and jealousy are among the many very powerful emotions that can plague individuals and couples who face fertility issues. Some of these emotions may be side effects of the treatments, but some are natural responses to the situation.
Making healthy decisions
First, you need to give yourself some self-love, as an individual and as a couple. You are both experiencing emotional responses to the situation. You need to take some time to talk them out in a healthy and loving manner. You also need to spend time together reinforcing your love. In addition, make time for some me-time, whether that means pampering yourself, engaging in a favorite hobby, or doing something else you enjoy.
Adjust your lifestyle so that you are eating healthy, getting fresh air and exercise, and getting enough sleep. Charitable work can also take your focus off your self and make you feel like you can have a positive impact on the lives of others.
Next, start adjusting your mindset. This may take some help from a professional counselor, but start trying on your own. The first step is to identify and verbalize your feelings. Then ask yourself questions to help you identify the roots of these feelings. Next, try to replace unhealthy thoughts with positive thoughts. It may feel awkward at first but positive statements can produce positive emotions.
Obviously, all this is easier said than done and is often more successful when you work through it with a therapist. But an infertility support group can also be very helpful if there are people who have dealt with it already and can help you identify root causes and helpful self-talk that works for you.
Finally, create healthy boundaries and communicate them to those around you. If you haven’t shared with your family or your closest friends that you are having difficulty conceiving, then they won’t know that you are hurting and will not recognize the need to adjust their behavior or their words. If you have, you may need to tell them how they can be helpful and how they can avoid hurting you. A few suggestions:
- Point out that you are experiencing some intense emotions around it. You do not want to be left out of conversations or celebrations, but recognize that sometimes you may not feel able to participate. This is not a statement on your love for them; it is simply managing your emotional health.
- Tell them what is helpful to say and what is not. Helpful: “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Know that I am here if you ever need to talk.” Definitely not helpful: “Well, look on the bright side! You and your husband can travel and have fun together without fussing over a baby.”
- Ask them to not make any suggestions or give advice. This can be very hard for people, because they want to help and they may actually have heard of something you may not know about. Tell them, however, that you have looked into many options. If they hear of something that they want to share, they may ask your permission, such as, “I’ve heard of a natural supplement that has helped many couples. May I share?” Or perhaps you don’t even want that. You decide and communicate it to them.
When you really can’t handle being with pregnant women or new mothers, don’t put yourself in that position. But don’t go home and hide. Go back to steps one and two: self-love, self-pampering, me-time or us-time, and reframing your thoughts.
Seeking help
If your mental health, marriage, work, or relationships are suffering from your struggles with infertility, please know that it doesn’t have to be that way. Find a mental health professional who specializes in treating couples dealing with fertility issues.
Your improved mental health may also increase the success of your treatments. Several studies on the effect of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) on couples dealing with fertility have measured both a decrease in anxiety, depression, and anger, as well as an increase in fertility rates. A year-long follow-up among participants, compared to the control group, found a viable pregnancy rate of 55% for the CBT group and 20% for the control group.
As a psychotherapist in New York City, I utilize psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral therapies to help couples and individuals develop coping skills to manage stress in order to stay healthy while dealing with fertility issues. Contact me today to see how I can help you.