As humans, we tend to look for patterns, and we tend to gravitate toward what we know and are comfortable with, even if it hurts us, even if we hate it. If we are in a habit, or if our life experiences have been a certain way, we subconsciously gravitate toward those things.
It takes conscious effort and retraining our thought patterns to reorient our subconscious toward what is good and healthy. There are therapeutic tools that can be effective at helping clients find underlying causes of their issues, break old, unhealthy patterns, and build a happier, healthier future.
We are all a combination of our past experiences and our personality traits, and the two strongly intersect and affect each other. Because of personality differences, people can react in their unique way to the same stimuli, creating different outcomes.
For instance, two sisters experience the same angry father. One reacts by trying to appease him and be cooperative; the other rebels and leaves home as soon as possible. These two sisters are likely to have different relationships with men. The appeaser may find herself falling for other angry men. She might think that’s just the way men are and end up in one unhappy relationship after another. The other sister may never date because she doesn’t trust men, may be too defensive and damage relationships, or may just find a very mild-mannered, kind man and have what she thinks is a peaceful life, though her husband may be the one walking on eggshells.
Both sisters are responding to their upbringing, and both are falling into bad patterns. Neither is healthy. What can you do to help break these patterns? Therapy can be particularly helpful when you can’t identify root causes, but I recommend taking a few steps on your own, as well.
Recognize the pattern and admit it’s a problem
You see friends who have good relationships and pleasant partners. You may even see them disagree but remain respectful. So you know it’s possible to have happy, respectful relationships.
What unhealthy patterns do you tend to fall into? Do you keep picking partners who are needy, angry, addicted, or emotionally distant? Do you always pick the best-looking person or someone with money, regardless of personality? Do you pick troubled partners because you feel sorry for them and want to help them? Do you become intimate too early before you get to know the person? Evaluate how you get hooked into bad relationships and admit to yourself that it is a problem that needs to change.
Be willing to change
As the saying goes, nothing changes unless you do. You can’t keep doing the same thing over and over and expect to get a different result. Identify your thought patterns when you first start to look for or fall for the wrong type and stop yourself. “Oh, he’s got a temper. Yes, I’m used to that, but I don’t want that anymore. It doesn’t matter if he’s charming, if he’s handsome, if he’s rich. He has a temper. He’s a big fat NO.”
Know what you want in a relationship
How do you want to feel? How do you want your partner to treat you? What kind of a future do you want with this person? Recognize that you deserve to be treated well and you deserve to be happy and your partner deserves the same from you.
Learn to communicate your own needs and create healthy boundaries
Start with friends and family and practice politely and confidently expressing how you feel or what you want. Share with only the closest friends or family that you are trying to rethink things and make healthier choices. They will probably be thrilled, having watched you suffer through multiple bad relationships, and will be happy to help you work through whatever you’re trying to do.
Look for partners elsewhere
If you keep picking up the wrong kind of people at your favorite hang-out place, stop looking there. In fact, maybe change the places where you hang out and the activities you engage in. Look elsewhere. With increased self-confidence and self-love, you will also draw better people into your sphere.
This may be difficult for some people to walk through alone. If you need help navigating this process, or you believe there are deeper issues you need help discovering, look for an experienced therapist near you. And remember that the first therapist you find may not be the best fit for you. Find someone with whom you can relate well and who has the experience you need. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to see how I can help you.