Mindfulness: The Secret to Success

Posted on September 26, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Though the word “mindfulness” is familiar to many, few people really know what it means or how to practice it. I frequently recommend mindfulness techniques to my clients as part of my therapy practice as it has a very powerful effect on the body, and over time, it can restructure the brain to become calmer and more positive.

Very simply stated, being mindful means you do not think of the past or the future, just the present moment. It is being aware of the present by purposefully focusing on the sensations and the environment around you, without passing judgment or evaluating them.

This may not sound particularly extraordinary, but science tells us that it can significantly shape the wiring of our brains, thus influencing our thoughts and our bodies.

Effects of mindfulness on the brain

The human brain changes based on how we use it. The areas of the brain that are used more frequently are more highly developed and have more neuron connections. By providing the right input and exercise, we can help the more peaceful and positive functions of the brain grow stronger.

For instance, studies have shown that the parts of the brain that handle emotion regulation and self-awareness are altered in those who meditate regularly (mindfulness is a form of meditation). Meditators also had a weaker connection between the part of the brain that registers the unpleasantness of pain and the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that registers emotions. In essence, meditators still feel the sensation of pain, but it feels less unpleasant to them.

Another important benefit of meditation is the effect on the central nervous system, which handles our automatic body functions: breathing, heart rate, blood pressure, and digestion. The nervous system has two subsystems: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic. The sympathetic nervous system is the “fight or flight” stress mode—fast heart rate, shallow breathing, slow digestion, etc. The parasympathetic nervous system is the “rest and digest” mode—slow, deep breathing, slower heart rate, and healthy digestion. This is what happens when you begin to fall asleep.

Mindfulness helps turn off the stress mode and turn on the rest mode of the nervous system.

Practicing mindfulness

Although you will begin to feel the effects of mindfulness as soon as you start practicing it, you’ll need to stick with it for a while in order to experience long-term changes in the way your brain and body respond to the natural stressors of life. But once you develop regular mindfulness micro-habits, mindfulness will become a part of your regular routine.

Simple mindfulness techniques can be utilized as soon as you start to feel stress. Others should be planned into your daily routine. Here are a few common mindfulness exercises to try that can be done any time:

  • Take deep breaths. Yes, we have all been hearing for years about breathing. While it may sound boring and cliché, it really does work. Even just a few full deep breaths can change a situation. Turn off your thoughts while you are focusing on the feeling of breathing in and breathing out. If you absolutely have to think, think about your breath: “I am inhaling. I am exhaling.” Don’t analyze, just notice.
  • Pay attention to what you are sensing. Go through each of your senses, one at a time. Close your eyes and listen. Enjoy noticing sounds around you that you usually tune out. Notice what you are feeling. How does the chair feel on your body as you sit on it? How does your shirt feel on your arms? Try this with as many senses as you have time for. You will quickly feel calmer.
  • Take a step out into the fresh air and sunshine and breathe! Listen to birds or notice other aspects of the natural world around you. Many studies show that interacting with nature has a profound effect on lessening stress and decreasing feelings of depression and anxiety.
  • Live in the moment and accept it. This may be a more advanced technique for some people, but try to accept whatever is happening at that moment. If you have a headache, simply acknowledge it without judgment. If you have a deadline that is causing stress, think openly and non-judgmentally about it. “I have a deadline. This is something that happens.” When you can think non-critically about something that normally causes you stress, you are really developing calm and mindful skills. Pair this with a positive awareness, such as noticing the picture of your family on your desk, and you have turned your thoughts around and strengthened positive pathways in your brain.

Mindfulness can help you positively impact your mood and your health. It can help you unleash your untapped potential, no longer tied down by reflexive emotions and instinctive stress responses. If you would like to learn more about how mindfulness can help you overcome stress, emotional blocks, and other barriers to your success and happiness, reach out. Sometimes it only takes a few sessions to help you learn the techniques that will make a real and lasting difference in your life.

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Self-Compassion and Moving Past Regret

Posted on September 4, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

We all make mistakes. But what you do with your mistakes can make the difference between a life of peace and purpose—and a life of rumination and regret. As a psychotherapist in New York City, I have worked with many clients who have found themselves stuck in regret, constantly beating themselves up for past decisions. The good news is, you can change your thinking and find new hope and peace. With self-compassion and intention, it’s possible to find new hope, healing, and peace. Take the following steps to help you move forward into a brighter future.

  1. Recognize the purpose of regret. Regret can be a helpful emotion that signals to us that there is something we need to change. Its purpose is not to cause us to wallow in the past, but to help us make better choices in the future. Think about something that you regret; if you didn’t regret it, what would stop you from doing it again? What would signal to you that it was not a good choice? The first step in overcoming regret is to realize it has a purpose and use it constructively.
  2. Acknowledge your feelings. Take the time to grieve whatever it is that you regret. Did you say something that damaged a relationship? Lose a good job because of a serious mistake in judgment? You may even be dealing with guilt and regret for something that caused you or someone else serious harm. You need to recognize that your sorrow is valid and allow yourself to grieve for the loss.
  3. Become aware of your counterfactual thinking and nip it in the bud. “Counterfactual thinking” is a fancy term for “what ifs.” When applied to your regrets, the “what ifs” can be paralyzing. There is no way of really knowing “what might have been” had you not damaged that relationship, not lost that job, or not taken that turn too fast on a wet road. You don’t know. Imagining a future that can never happen keeps you in a state of regret and guilt for imaginary events. When you notice yourself doing this, stop! You are heading into make-believe. Stick to the truth. This leads to the next point.
  4. Recognize that there is no reset button. What’s done is done. You can’t change the past. All you can do is change the future. Use your feelings of regret to make your future brighter. The first step is to fix what you can. If you hurt someone and you still have a way of contacting the person, apologize. Be specific and acknowledge where you were wrong and how you hurt the person. Allow for the person to respond, and accept their anger. They may forgive you, they may not. But apologize, and if there is any restitution you can make, do what you can to make up for it.
  5. Learn from your mistakes. This is the purpose of regret: to help you avoid making the same mistake twice. There are a number of techniques that can help you process the events and learn from them. This is something I work through with clients to help them find what works best. Some people benefit from writing down everything they remember about the situation and analyzing it to see their mistakes and how they can change them. Sometimes, such analysis may reveal that they are blaming themselves for something that was mostly out of their control. They then only need to examine their portion of the event and determine if there was anything they should have done differently. Sometimes, to their surprise, they discover they’ve been beating themselves up for no reason.
  6. Make a plan not to do it again. What steps, if any, do you need to take to prevent yourself from making the same mistake again? Are there patterns of thought or behavior that need to change? Can you do this yourself, or do you need the help of a friend or counselor to help you make that change?
  7. Practice self-compassion. This should take place throughout this process and beyond. How would you treat your best friend if she were beating herself up about something? You would treat her with compassion, right from the start! Do the same for yourself:
  • Forgive yourself. You are not perfect, and you only go through this life once, so you’re going to make mistakes. Perfectionism helps no one and leads to burnout.
    • Try guided meditation and being in the present moment. Meditation and mindfulness help you turn off the ruminating part of your brain, calm the inner noise, and focus on the here and now.
  • Pamper yourself. You deserve to be treated well. Be your own best friend. Eat healthy foods, get plenty of sleep, and do something that makes you feel good.
  • Engage in health-building activities. Find a hobby, take a walk in nature with a friend, or volunteer for an organization that helps others. These activities take your mind off yourself and off the past.

If you need help developing self-compassion, evaluating your past regrets, and taking strides to navigate a better path toward the future, reach out to an experienced therapist in your area. If you are in the NYC area, give me a call to see how I can help.

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Working Through Male Infertility

Posted on September 4, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Our society focuses heavily on infertility problems related to women. However, men account for infertility in about half of all cases. The focus on women may be because men do not appear to be as affected by the diagnosis of infertility. However, this is not the case. Men tend to internalize their feelings, avoid the subject, or withdraw emotionally. This is not healthy for the man, nor is it healthy for a relationship.

As a psychotherapist in New York City, one of my focuses is working with couples and individuals dealing with infertility. I have helped many couples build stronger relationships and grow in their love as they work together through tough decisions and infertility treatments. They need to make difficult decisions, but when couples know how to communicate with each other in a loving and supportive manner and know how to address their own feelings in a healthy way, they make important progress. This can result in building a family, but also in building a future.

Causes of male infertility and how men react

Damage to the testicles, testosterone deficiency, mumps, exposure to radioactivity, and some medications can cause male infertility. Lifestyle causes of suppressed fertility may include abuse of alcohol or illicit drug use, extreme stress, reproductive tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases, and poor nutrition. Even using lubricants during sex may weaken or slow the sperm. Hot tubs, saunas, and tight underwear can overheat the testicles, creating an unhealthy environment for sperm.

Men often feel the same emotions that women do, but they are less likely to express them. They may show anxiety and depression, feelings of guilt or shame, and psychological distress through irritability, becoming withdrawn, or even behaving as if it doesn’t matter. Men also often see infertility as a blow to their male ego or their masculinity. The traditional desire to pass on the family name can seem impossible and this can increase feelings of guilt or denial.

Sometimes, while a man may be feeling great sorrow internally, he may try to deflect by making unhelpful and hurtful comments. These comments can be deeply hurtful to the partner who wants to have a family. They might see their partner as insensitive and heartless when, in reality, the opposite is the case. When these misunderstandings occur, relationships are deeply shaken. Counseling is very important to help a man cope in a healthy way and to help the couple work together toward a family and a healthy relationship.

Making treatment decisions

The good news is that complete infertility is fairly rare in men. There is usually a method of achieving conception. If you find yourself struggling with infertility, the first thing you should do is to educate yourself about male infertility and determine what factors may be contributing to your condition. A fertility specialist will also help you with this, but be sure to do your own research, as well. There are also many natural things you can do to improve the health and quantity of sperm.

Consider what lifestyle changes you need to make to help improve your fertility. Get a medical evaluation to determine if you have any health issues or infections that may be affecting your overall health. Come up with some shared interests that you and your partner can participate in together that will improve the health and fertility of both of you: healthful foods, exercise (but don’t overheat your groin!), de-stressing together with a nature walk, etc.

If medical intervention is necessary, there are many options, including:

  • Surgery to repair an obstruction or other physical cause
  • Hormone therapy to correct hormone levels
  • Artificial insemination: sperm are introduced into the woman’s reproductive system
  • In vitro fertilization: mature eggs and sperm are fertilized in a lab and then placed in the woman’s reproductive system
  • Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI): One sperm is directly injected into an egg to ensure fertilization, then placed in the woman’s reproductive system

If you and your partner are having difficulty communicating about your infertility, or if you need help thinking through the implications of the various medical interventions available, find a therapist in your area who is an expert in working with couples going through infertility. You will find therapy to be invaluable, as you work through those big questions and try to strengthen your relationship at the same time. You will need to have a strong and loving relationship to raise your baby together in a healthy environment. If you live in the New York City area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

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New Fathers and Their Mental Health

Posted on August 7, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Welcoming a new child into the family is a time of great excitement and joy. But it can also be a time of stress, especially with the first child, since you’re entering into an entirely new experience. Most attention is placed on the mother and child, which is certainly understandable. Still, the new father has many new responsibilities and emotions to deal with as well, which can sometimes lead to confusion, irritability, anxiety, or depression. Up to 18% of new fathers experience generalized anxiety, OCD, or PTSD during the first year of a new baby’s life, so it’s important to take steps to protect your mental health.

Pressures on new fathers

Society and new fathers themselves place a lot of pressure on new dads. Fathers feel a powerful desire to protect and provide for the mother and child, and this is a very important part of a man’s healthy emotions. But it can lead to fear, anxiety, and worry, especially if the family is going through some financial stress or if the family lives in a less-than-safe neighborhood. A father can find himself ruminating on possible future problems, like “What if I lose my job?” or “How will we pay for college?” Future fears stoke current anxiety.

Babies can be expensive, too, with the cost of diapers, doctor appointments, clothing, and other baby necessities. A father might find himself worrying about how they will make ends meet, increasing the feeling of pressure to find more ways to provide.

The father may also feel like he doesn’t know anything about babies and is afraid to do something wrong. A mother’s bond with the baby can be very strong because she has been carrying the child in her womb for over nine months and breastfeeding can increase that sense of attachment. Fathers can feel left out or unable to address a child’s needs and may just hand the child to the mom when the baby starts to cry. This further instills in the father a feeling of helplessness and lack of bonding. Some may fathers start to feel that their baby doesn’t want to be with them, leading to a cycle of negative thoughts that can create distance between a father and child.

Changes in the home

We have all heard of postpartum depression (PPD), which describes the depression that can come upon new mothers due to drastic hormonal changes and the pressures of caring for a new baby. Paternal postnatal depression (PPND), which can affect 1 in 10 fathers and affects half of the fathers whose wives are experiencing PPD, is less well known. So if your wife is experiencing depression, there is a strong possibility it will affect you, as well.

The household now revolves around the baby, as it should in the beginning. The baby needs constant care and doesn’t sleep through the night. You will need to share chores, and the time that you used to be able to spend with your spouse will all but disappear, or will have to be shared with the baby. Oftentimes, people will fuss over the mother and child, almost forgetting the father.

A new father can feel lonely, resentful, or taken for granted during the early months of a child’s life. Recognizing these feelings can then make the father feel guilty for thinking of himself rather than being thankful and joyful, and putting his new family first.

Addressing these issues

Although men are generally less willing to talk about their feelings, one of the most important steps in addressing these new-father emotions is to discuss them. Share with your partner how you are feeling, without accusing or blaming her. She is undoubtedly going through some strong emotions herself, many of them linked to her hormones realigning after the birth. She probably has already shared them with you, so take time to discuss yours, as well, in a manner that says “we’re in this together, honey!” This can help you find ways to support each other through this exciting but sometimes challenging time.

Connect with other new fathers in a support group. You may be fortunate to find an older man who can mentor you, as well, but remember that former generations had a different view of fatherhood. Take the good advice that he can give, as his wisdom will help you, but remember that it is important to address your emotions and not ignore them, which was the expectation of men in the past.

Work to bond with your baby. Skin-on-skin contact is very important for the baby’s emotional and physical development. Hold your baby against your chest, both of you shirtless, and let your baby hear and feel your heartbeat.  Both you and the baby will feel a strengthening of your bond. Talk to your baby so he or she will come to know your voice. Don’t immediately turn the baby over to the mother when your child begins to cry; find ways of soothing your child yourself. Unless the child is hungry and is nursing, you are just as capable of soothing a crying baby as the mother is.

Take on some baby chores, giving your wife a break and furthering your baby-bond. Changing diapers isn’t the most fun activity, but there are ways to make diaper changing an adventure and fun.

Take time for yourself, too. Don’t completely give up a fun hobby or time with friends, even if you may not be able to do it as much as you used to. You are still you, and you need to nurture yourself sometimes to be stronger for your family.

Consider getting help

Big changes are not easy. Even when you expect to feel overjoyed, it can still be hard. Recognize that it’s normal to feel this way if your emotions are mild, and you can manage them by applying these helpful suggestions.

But if you are feeling a strong sense of depression, worry, anger, or thoughts of harming yourself or others, seek immediate help from a nearby mental health professional who specializes in PPD and PPND. Call or text 988 any time, 24/7, for mental health crisis support, especially concerning self-harm or violent feelings.

If you are in the New York City area and want help sorting out your emotions as a new father, reach out to me to see how I can help you.

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Resolving Money Conflicts in Your Marriage

Posted on August 7, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Money is one of the most common conflicts that can crop up in marriage and many couples say it is their most challenging relationship issue. Fortunately, there are very effective ways to resolve such conflicts and bring you and your partner into alignment around the subject of money and spending. It’s important not to let resentment build up.

Personality differences

Conflicts can arise when one of you feels the other is overspending or should be doing something to increase income. This could be a difference in upbringing or personality. One of you might have been raised in a home where money was always tight and reserved for necessities. Seeing your spouse spend money on something you think is frivolous may bring up deep-seated feelings of financial instability. These feelings might generate fear or anger that you may not even be aware of. These negative feelings then get directed toward your spouse, who may have an easier-going attitude toward money.

Maybe you are a planner and saver, with a big dream for a major future purchase, but your partner believes in enjoying life in the here and now and wants to take family trips or buy extras to enjoy in the present. You may be risk-averse while your spouse is open to riskier investments, which can also cause conflict.

Or maybe one of you works and the other stays home with the kids, and the worker feels like the stay-at-home parent doesn’t appreciate how hard it is to financially support a family.

 Financial realities

Personality differences are probably always going to be present, but there could also be serious financial circumstances that need to be addressed, for instance:

  • Household expenses may exceed household income
  • A growing family’s needs may be outpacing income growth
  • An extended family member may need financial help; one partner is willing to help, and the other one is concerned that family finances will be affected
  • Too much pre-marital debt (ex., college debt)      
  • One or both spouses may be out of work
  • One of the spouses may have a serious spending problem or a gambling problem
  • Only one partner handles the money, leaving the other partner in the dark about the family’s financial picture

Addressing money conflicts

Some of these differences can be more easily addressed, while others may need deeper healing with the help of a trained counselor or therapist. But either way, resolution always begins with communication. Have a fair and frank discussion about your attitude towards money and what you see for your future.

  • What did your parents teach you about money? Was money an issue in your home when growing up?
  • What is your attitude towards spending? What is your attitude towards saving? What is your experience with budgeting?
  • What are your financial goals? Do you have future plans or dreams for major purchases?
  • What fears do you have around money?
  • How would you answer the question “What is money for?”

Healing money conflicts

Having honest conversations about money and spending should help you understand each other and the attitudes that fuel your behavior. Once you understand each other’s perspective, consider some next steps:

  • List absolute essential expenses (debt, utilities, mortgage, insurance) and essential expenses that have wiggle room. For instance, food is essential, but is too much money being spent on meals out or junk food? The kids need clothes, but do they need the most expensive sneakers?
  • List important expenses that might not be absolutely essential. For instance, extra-curricular activities are important, but are there less expensive, equally fun options?
  • Create a budget, listing income and essential expenses first, then evaluate what is left for other expenses.
  • Discuss what changes may need to be made. You may be surprised to discover you don’t really have a financial problem; you just have a perception of a financial problem. This is great news! Discuss how much should go into savings and how much should be budgeted for “fun money” – spending that will make your family’s life more enjoyable.
  • If you find you have to “tighten the belt,” consider getting professional advice for some financial strategies: pay down debt, refinance your mortgage if rates drop, or make other major financial changes. Your bank or your tax accountant may be able to help you or may be able to direct you to low-cost financial planners.
  • Develop a plan for the two of you to sit together and talk about the financial picture on a monthly or quarterly basis so that both of you are aware of the family’s financial situation.
  • Promise to talk to each other (and do so lovingly) if one of you starts to feel stressed about money again, so that no anger or resentment can grow and take hold.

A therapist can help

When both spouses are emotionally healthy and want a resolution, these steps can help lessen the stress of money . But sometimes, if there are deep-seated fears that are based on an experience of poverty or financial instability in childhood, if there is a gambling problem, or if a partner is driven to spend, then it is critical to reach out to a therapist in your area who is experienced in helping people with these issues.

If you are in the New York City area, give me a call to see how I can help you. Therapy is an effective tool for helping people understand their history and how it affects their thoughts and behaviors. This knowledge is power. When you know why you do what you do, you are empowered to make the changes necessary to feel more in control.

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Is Your Perfectionism Causing Your Anxiety?

Posted on July 10, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Perfectionism and anxiety have an interesting link. Walking around NYC, you may see people who look as if they are perfect. From cars and clothes to addresses and jobs, they may all look perfect. The problem begins when you start comparing yourself to the version of them that you see.  

In some people, perfectionism can lead to anxiety, while in others, anxiety can lead to perfectionism. What is this anxiety/perfectionism cycle, and how can you break it?

Understanding the cause of perfectionism

Perfectionism may have many causes, including events from childhood through adulthood. For instance, if you were raised in a family in which everyone was measured by their success in school or sports, you might feel the need to drive yourself too much to be approved or loved. If you made a mistake early in your career that caused you embarrassment or even the loss of a job, you may feel the need to be perfect to avoid another similar occurrence. Maybe a mistake in a relationship in the past has made you feel like you have to be perfect and never make another mistake in your relationships.

But the fact is, we are human. We make mistakes. And sometimes other factors out of our control may contribute to a mistake or an imperfect result. Since nothing is ever truly perfect, your drive for that perfection is never fulfilled, thus creating feelings of anxiety, low self-esteem, a feeling that you are a failure, and sometimes other mental health disorders such as obsessive-compulsive behaviors, eating disorders, and depression. Anxiety could also have developed first from those factors and then led to perfectionism in an attempt to mitigate the anxiety by eliminating the chance of the failure ever happening again – unfortunately worsening the anxiety rather than mitigating it.

Breaking the cycle

Whatever the underlying cause, it is clear that this cycle needs to be broken and there are many approaches we can take that can help.

Some methods we can consider are:

  • Cognitive behavioral therapy to help you identify negative thought patterns and develop better coping methods
  • Psychodynamic therapy if the causes of the anxiety and/or perfectionism seem to be rooted in a history of thoughts, relationships, and behavior patterns that need to be gently explored to resolve unconscious responses that trigger current mental health issues
  • Mindfulness, which will help you become aware of how you are reacting, so that you can remain present in the moment rather than heading into a cycle of “what ifs”
  • Exposure and response prevention therapy to help you face uncertainty in small doses and learn to manage imperfection and become comfortable with it

If you live in the New York City area, reach out to see how I can help you learn to reduce the need to be perfect and embrace life in its surprising and sometimes pleasant imperfections. If you aren’t in the NYC area, reach out to a trained therapist near you who has experience with your particular needs.

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Creative Outlets to Ease Stress

Posted on July 10, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Did you know that adding a little creativity to your life can help ease stress? You do not need to be an artist – you don’t even need to show anyone your projects. But studies have shown that creative expression has many mental health benefits: promoting relaxation, distracting from negative thoughts, providing a sense of self-expression, and giving you a feeling of control over your creation.

The goal is not to try to create something perfect. That would defeat the purpose of relaxation and add another layer of stress. No, the purpose is to just let go of expectations and allow yourself to have some fun, create something beautiful, or maybe something ugly or boring, if that’s what appeals to you at that moment. Just relax, express, and have fun.

There are so many creative outlets to choose from. Let’s review a few.

Writing/journaling

Maybe you’re a gifted writer, storyteller, or poet, or maybe you just want to blow off steam. If writing appeals to you, start with maybe five minutes a day of journaling or brainstorming an idea about a story or poem. Gradually, you may find during the day that your mind turns toward thoughts of writing, providing pleasant thoughts throughout the day.

Painting/drawing

Both painting and drawing draw a person into the creative process, helping them leave the world behind and enter an almost meditative state, as your attention is focused on your creation. If you don’t feel creative enough to draw or paint something original, try an adult coloring book or even a paint-by-number set.

Dancing

Movement is proven to help with mood by releasing endorphins, which are natural mood lifters. Whether you dance around the living room to your favorite tunes, join a swing dance club, or take ballroom dancing with a loved one, movement is beneficial both physically and emotionally.

Crafts

There are so many crafts to choose from, whether you choose textiles (knitting, weaving, sewing), woodworking (carving, whittling), clay (ceramics, turning on a wheel), paper crafts (scrapbooking, card making), or jewelry making, the options are almost endless! Take a walk through a craft store and just pick up what appeals to you.

Music

This could include playing an instrument, music composition, going to concerts, or developing music appreciation. Music has also been shown to have a very positive effect on the brain. Playing an instrument is proven to help structure the brain in an orderly manner and aids in memory retention. Music appreciation combined with dancing or movement like tai chi offers double the benefits.

Cooking/baking

Cooking and baking are wonderful outlets because you get to eat your creation! I encourage you to choose healthy options, foods that support physical and mental health.

Gardening

Growing things – whether outdoors or indoors – is very soothing and healing, as you nurture life in living things. Plants also inhale carbon dioxide and exhale oxygen, so houseplants make indoor air healthier. The beauty of green growing things and a bouquet of flowers that you grew yourself can offer a sense of satisfaction.

Photography

Photography forces you to focus on something outside of yourself (literally!). Since you are looking for stress relief, pick objects to focus on that build positive feelings in you and create an atmosphere of peace and tranquility.

Clearly, there are many creative outlets, so if you’re looking to ease stress, turn off the cell phone and computer screens and pick up a creative activity. If you are having trouble determining what to do or if you feel you need a little help addressing stress or other emotional issues, and you’re in the New York City area, reach out to see how I can help you take your first steps to developing habits that can help you handle stress with ease.

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My Spouse Has ADHD, and I Feel Like I Am Parenting My Spouse

Posted on June 5, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

When we think of ADHD, we usually think of children. However, studies show that, while symptoms may decrease in adulthood, only 15-35% of children with ADHD completely outgrow the full disorder. So if you have a spouse with ADHD symptoms, you are not alone.

In any committed relationship, each person loves the other for who he or she is – both strengths and weaknesses, virtues and flaws.  But over time, some personality traits can begin to rub the wrong way. This can be even more true when one spouse has ADHD. In such cases, couples counseling and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can be very effective.

ADHD symptoms

People with ADHD exhibit difficulty with “executive function” and self-regulation, which help the brain manage information, make decisions, and plan ahead. This difficulty can vary in degree, but some symptoms may include:

  • Forgetfulness, distractedness or hyperfocus, and inability to complete tasks
  • Interrupting conversations or abruptly changing subjects
  • Not listening or forgetting what was just said
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Compulsive behavior or dysregulated emotions
  • Difficulty seeing other points of view
  • Hyperactivity or lack of motivation

Sometimes depression and anxiety can include some of these behaviors. Therefore, a mental health professional should properly evaluate your spouse to determine the root of the issue. In my counseling practice in New York City, I have found that once we determine the underlying issue, a proper treatment plan can be developed. We can greatly improve or even resolve many issues.

How your spouse’s ADHD affects you

If your spouse is showing symptoms of ADHD, you may feel like you’re parenting your spouse, doing many things for him or her, taking on a heavier load of household chores and responsibilities, and always having to follow up to make sure your spouse has done his/her part.

This can leave you feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, lonely, unappreciated, and even resentful. You may begin to forget why you fell in love with your spouse and begin to overlook all the wonderful traits that your spouse still has, because you’re overwhelmed by the ADHD traits that are making your life more difficult.

You may find yourself doing most things for your spouse, like making appointments and constantly reminding him/her about them, paying the bills, finishing chores your spouse was supposed to do, and even talking to your spouse like a parent to a child.

This can lead to unintended consequences for your spouse, including learned helplessness, becoming dependent on you to do everything, and forgetting or not developing necessary skills every adult should have. In addition, your spouse, who is an adult, may begin to develop resentment towards you, realizing that you’re treating or talking to him/her like a child. This can lead to marital conflict.

What we can do together

An ADHD-affected marriage has the same challenges as any marriage: learning proper communication skills, creating boundaries, defining expectations, learning how to focus on the good, and growing together rather than apart. When the main difficulty is ADHD, I often suggest couples therapy as well as therapy for the ADHD-affected partner to help him or her develop different behavioral patterns and thought processes. This can benefit the non-affected spouse as well, particularly if the problem has been going on for a while and that partner has developed a set of negative thoughts and reactions that need to be unlearned. But couples therapy is always an important part of the healing process.

As you learn better communication methods, discover or rediscover your own unique strengths, and remember what you love in each other, you will strengthen your marriage, put healthy strategies into place, and be able to look forward together with hope and joy.

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In Survival Mode? Let’s Talk!

Posted on June 5, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Stress seems to be the norm in our modern world, but it is possible to learn techniques to help you cope. Chronic stress threatens your mental and physical health. In our modern, stressful world, people need to learn how to manage and de-escalate stress and live a more peaceful life. Some people are able to do this effectively by reading a book or following good advice from a friend, but in my years of practice as a psychotherapist in New York City, I have found that the most long-lasting and life-changing results occur when a person spends a little time working with a therapist.

What stress does to you

Your stress may be caused by interpersonal issues, such as marital problems, concern for your children, difficult people at work, or an elderly parent needing frequent care. Your job may be stressful by nature, such as with medical personnel or other first responders. Or you may have past experiences that keep being triggered. Whatever the cause, the body responds the same way.

During an acute stress situation, such as a near-collision on the road, your body reacts immediately to keep you safe. Your hypothalamus in the brain prompts the adrenal glands to release the hormones adrenaline and cortisol. They make your heart beat faster and blood pressure rise, and they surge energy to your body to react quickly – the “fight or flight” response. When the danger has passed, all things should return to normal, physiologically. But if you are in a continual state of stress, the hormones and organs involved do not get to calm down, causing a cascade of problems throughout your body.

Physical responses may include:

  • Cardiovascular problems, including chest pain, racing heart, palpitations, high blood pressure
  • Digestive system problems, such as irritable bowel, weight gain or loss, and ulcers
  • Clenching the jaw or grinding teeth, body aches
  • Headaches, migraines, dizziness, shaking
  • Weakened immune system, including arthritis, fibromyalgia, and rashes
  • Reproductive system issues, such as frequent infections, irregular periods, infertility, and loss of libido
  • Sleep problems, which can include both extremes: exhaustion due to lack of sleep, as well as low energy leading to excessive sleep

Psychological and behavioral responses may include:

  • Anxiety
  • Irritability
  • Depression
  • Panic attacks
  • Addiction, or other compulsive behaviors
  • Eating disorders
  • Brain fog or poor memory

What a therapist can do for you

Overcoming stress requires a multi-pronged approach. In my practice, I utilize both psychodynamic therapy as well as cognitive behavioral therapy, as I deem necessary, upon discussing with my clients their particular needs.

Psychodynamic therapy is a deep and sensitive exploration of problems and issues that may affect your behaviors, usually starting in one’s childhood or youth. The process helps demystify the reasons behind why you do what you do, why you react the way you react. This can be a truly freeing experience for clients as they finally begin to see how they can take control of their thoughts and master their own responses.

Cognitive therapy is a more concrete approach. I work with my clients to identify automatic thoughts and develop techniques to rewire unhealthy, habitual thoughts and behaviors through self-talk practices and journaling, relaxation and mindfulness techniques, and positive thinking and self-affirming statements. Some people may start here, while others may benefit from psychodynamic therapy first.

As the therapy work progresses and new outlooks become possible, the patient and I work together to form new life habits, including exercise, healthy food choices, fostering healthy friendships, and developing outside interests that bring joy.

As patients progress from a state of constant stress and a feeling of helplessness to a more enhanced state of confidence, they gain more control over their thoughts and behaviors, and hope for the future. If you’re in the NYC area, contact me for an evaluation to see how I can help you.

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Bullied in Childhood?

Posted on May 20, 2025 by Alisa Hafkin

Bullied as a child? You’re not alone. Many people share your experience. One longitudinal study following more than 1,200 children into adulthood found that about a third of the children experienced bullying. Many of the victims of bullying carried the effects of the experience into their adult years.

Here in my NYC office, I help clients process bullying that they experienced and build the strength to move forward. The experience of childhood bullying can range in intensity, as can the long-term effects. However, it does not always follow that the worst experiences caused the worst problems. We are all different, and we have other life experiences that can ease or exacerbate the wounds of childhood. The good news is that adult survivors of childhood bullying can find the help they need to break free from the effects of these adverse childhood experiences.

Effects of childhood bullying

When children experience bullying, they internalize negative messages about themselves at a very tender age. The presence of other supportive and loving people in their lives can mitigate the negative messaging. However, depending upon their personalities and other life experiences, these negative messages may become embedded long-term and result in health issues and emotional behaviors rooted in these now-subconscious beliefs.

Some health problems that may be rooted in bullying include anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, headaches and migraines, insomnia, poor stress management among others.

People who have been bullied sometimes develop a deep sensitivity towards the sufferings of others. This may be a result of remembering their own feelings from childhood. Others can experience a sense of detachment from their own feelings, perhaps because they felt no one cared about them, or perhaps to protect themselves from more hurt.

Some adult survivors of bullying become disconnected and isolated, not trusting people. Others feel a tremendous need to be liked and to be accepted by others.

Some develop a submissive, passive personality, while others are hypervigilant, ready to defend themselves aggressively (verbally or physically) against any perceived insult or injury.

These behaviors find their roots in a feeling of powerlessness and low self-esteem, messages that the bullies ingrained into your head in childhood. These messages need to be rewired, and these lies need to be dispelled. Doing so will improve your emotional and physical health, improve your relationships, and relieve you from the weight of your childhood trauma.

Becoming free from childhood bullying

Some adult survivors of bullying continue to experience the bullying with the mind and heart of their inner child. In therapy, we work to help you reexamine your past experiences with the mind and heart of an adult. In therapy, we explore your unique history and the various experiences that have impacted your life. This will help you understand the connection between past experiences and your own emotional and physiological responses today.

When you are able to review your childhood experiences, recognize the hurting child who is still experiencing them, and reevaluate them from an adult perspective, you will begin to be able to let go of the grieving and powerless child’s perspective and replace it with the perspective of a healthy adult.

Bullying is a statement on the bully, not on you. As a child, you could not understand that, but as an adult, you can. Allowing the bully to continue to hurt you means they still have power over you, even after all these years. They may be old and lazy now, they may be in prison, or they may have turned into a great person who regrets being mean as a child. Whatever their fate, they have no right to hold power over you anymore.

How therapy can help

Once you begin to uncover your automatic thoughts by recognizing their roots, you can begin to reclaim control over your own emotions, thoughts, reactions, and triggers by rewiring them in healthy ways. This is where cognitive behavioral therapy can be very helpful.

There are a variety of techniques that can help you positively retrain your automatic thoughts and reactions. We will customize them to what works best for you. These include relaxation exercises, mindfulness homework, self-talk practices, positive thinking, and journaling, to name a few.

Reframing your core beliefs about yourself based on the reality of your self-worth will help you change old habits of thought, develop a healthy self-love, and build self-confidence. On this strong foundation, you can strengthen relationships and empower yourself to navigate your future towards success and inner peace. Find a good therapist near you to help you reach your true potential. If you’re in the NYC area, reach out to me to see how I can help.

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