Welcoming a new child into the family is a time of great excitement and joy. But it can also be a time of stress, especially with the first child, since you’re entering into an entirely new experience. Most attention is placed on the mother and child, which is certainly understandable. Still, the new father has many new responsibilities and emotions to deal with as well, which can sometimes lead to confusion, irritability, anxiety, or depression. Up to 18% of new fathers experience generalized anxiety, OCD, or PTSD during the first year of a new baby’s life, so it’s important to take steps to protect your mental health.
Pressures on new fathers
Society and new fathers themselves place a lot of pressure on new dads. Fathers feel a powerful desire to protect and provide for the mother and child, and this is a very important part of a man’s healthy emotions. But it can lead to fear, anxiety, and worry, especially if the family is going through some financial stress or if the family lives in a less-than-safe neighborhood. A father can find himself ruminating on possible future problems, like “What if I lose my job?” or “How will we pay for college?” Future fears stoke current anxiety.
Babies can be expensive, too, with the cost of diapers, doctor appointments, clothing, and other baby necessities. A father might find himself worrying about how they will make ends meet, increasing the feeling of pressure to find more ways to provide.
The father may also feel like he doesn’t know anything about babies and is afraid to do something wrong. A mother’s bond with the baby can be very strong because she has been carrying the child in her womb for over nine months and breastfeeding can increase that sense of attachment. Fathers can feel left out or unable to address a child’s needs and may just hand the child to the mom when the baby starts to cry. This further instills in the father a feeling of helplessness and lack of bonding. Some may fathers start to feel that their baby doesn’t want to be with them, leading to a cycle of negative thoughts that can create distance between a father and child.
Changes in the home
We have all heard of postpartum depression (PPD), which describes the depression that can come upon new mothers due to drastic hormonal changes and the pressures of caring for a new baby. Paternal postnatal depression (PPND), which can affect 1 in 10 fathers and affects half of the fathers whose wives are experiencing PPD, is less well known. So if your wife is experiencing depression, there is a strong possibility it will affect you, as well.
The household now revolves around the baby, as it should in the beginning. The baby needs constant care and doesn’t sleep through the night. You will need to share chores, and the time that you used to be able to spend with your spouse will all but disappear, or will have to be shared with the baby. Oftentimes, people will fuss over the mother and child, almost forgetting the father.
A new father can feel lonely, resentful, or taken for granted during the early months of a child’s life. Recognizing these feelings can then make the father feel guilty for thinking of himself rather than being thankful and joyful, and putting his new family first.
Addressing these issues
Although men are generally less willing to talk about their feelings, one of the most important steps in addressing these new-father emotions is to discuss them. Share with your partner how you are feeling, without accusing or blaming her. She is undoubtedly going through some strong emotions herself, many of them linked to her hormones realigning after the birth. She probably has already shared them with you, so take time to discuss yours, as well, in a manner that says “we’re in this together, honey!” This can help you find ways to support each other through this exciting but sometimes challenging time.
Connect with other new fathers in a support group. You may be fortunate to find an older man who can mentor you, as well, but remember that former generations had a different view of fatherhood. Take the good advice that he can give, as his wisdom will help you, but remember that it is important to address your emotions and not ignore them, which was the expectation of men in the past.
Work to bond with your baby. Skin-on-skin contact is very important for the baby’s emotional and physical development. Hold your baby against your chest, both of you shirtless, and let your baby hear and feel your heartbeat. Both you and the baby will feel a strengthening of your bond. Talk to your baby so he or she will come to know your voice. Don’t immediately turn the baby over to the mother when your child begins to cry; find ways of soothing your child yourself. Unless the child is hungry and is nursing, you are just as capable of soothing a crying baby as the mother is.
Take on some baby chores, giving your wife a break and furthering your baby-bond. Changing diapers isn’t the most fun activity, but there are ways to make diaper changing an adventure and fun.
Take time for yourself, too. Don’t completely give up a fun hobby or time with friends, even if you may not be able to do it as much as you used to. You are still you, and you need to nurture yourself sometimes to be stronger for your family.
Consider getting help
Big changes are not easy. Even when you expect to feel overjoyed, it can still be hard. Recognize that it’s normal to feel this way if your emotions are mild, and you can manage them by applying these helpful suggestions.
But if you are feeling a strong sense of depression, worry, anger, or thoughts of harming yourself or others, seek immediate help from a nearby mental health professional who specializes in PPD and PPND. Call or text 988 any time, 24/7, for mental health crisis support, especially concerning self-harm or violent feelings.
If you are in the New York City area and want help sorting out your emotions as a new father, reach out to me to see how I can help you.