Giving Space in Your Marriage

Posted on December 7, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Here in the city that never sleeps (and when we do it is often in a small apartment), your marriage may feel a little cramped and in need of some breathing room. While you may love to spend time with your spouse, spending every waking minute together can be stifling.  

Marriage is the union of two individuals who plan to spend the rest of their lives together, helping and supporting each other, and in many cases, raising a family. But this does not mean that you lose your individuality when you marry. In fact, to do so could doom your marriage. You cannot expect your spouse to fulfill your every wish and need, because no one human being can do that. Therefore, you each need to maintain your own “space.” 

Creating Space

What do I mean by space? It depends on the individual and on the couple, but it generally means having time alone or time spent with other people in a shared interest. It may also include a personal space in the home. 

It’s very important for a couple to have shared interests outside of raising their kids. When they don’t, there’s often a shock when the kids grow up and move out. While many couples see this as an opportunity to discover new interests together, some can’t handle the vacuum and the marriage becomes unhappy or dissolves. You can avoid this by maintaining some shared interests or at least having a regular “date night” while the kids are growing, to keep that sense of togetherness. 

But most of us also need time apart to pursue things that matter to us. And that’s good, for many reasons. When you have quiet time alone, such as taking a walk or a bike ride, you have time to reflect on things that matter to you, including your relationship. I am a strong advocate of couples thinking about what they love or admire about their partners and telling them regularly. That time apart can increase your appreciation for your spouse when you’re together. 

Spending Time With Friends

When you spend time with friends who have shared interests, for instance, going out with the “golfing buddies” or going to art museums with other art lovers, you are continuing to build your own friendships, which can strengthen your marriage. Be careful to avoid any “spouse-bashing” during these times. Sometimes when husbands or wives get together, they swap stories about what their spouse is doing so they can laugh or complain together. Don’t fall into that trap. As I said above, focus on the positive. 

I want to clarify that if you are having marriage problems, you should speak to a trusted friend or a marriage counselor. Marriage problems should definitely not be shared with a group of people during a gripe session. 

With that caveat in mind, spending time with positive-minded friends can strengthen your marriage because it builds your social skills and helps you appreciate your spouse more. It also gives you new experiences to share. 

Having your own time also avoids boredom. If you’re always around the house doing the same old family chores all the time, you can get bored or find your appreciation of your spouse lessened. Going out to do something fun on your own makes coming home a little bit like returning from an adventure with a story to tell.

Finally, sometimes it’s just nice to have a quiet corner of the house to call your own. It can be as messy or as neat as you want. It can be decorated the way you like. It can be your book nook or your workbench. But that personal space also helps nurture what’s unique in you, which can also make your union stronger. 

Ask For Help

So talk together about how you can spend time together while also spending time apart, in order to strengthen your bond and grow in love. If you need help with this, or if your marriage has some rocky areas that need some help from a counselor, feel free to reach out to me. I’ve helped many couples strengthen their relationships and renew their marriages.

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Managing Anxiety During the Holiday Season

Posted on December 1, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

To say “don’t let anything bother you” would be irresponsible.  If you suffer from depression, constant or episodic, then the upcoming holidays may be a concern.  Why are the holidays a problem?  Family gatherings, gift giving, office parties, merriment seems to be everywhere – and you may just want to hide in your NYC apartment and ignore it all.

I never expect you to put aside how you are feeling.  It is so important to acknowledge whatever it is that is bothering you (or the multitude of things).  Take time for yourself and put in place strategies so you can make it through the season and even have some fun!

  1. Be reasonable.  If your depression works hand-in-hand with your anxiety then do not put pressure on yourself to find the perfect gift for the masses.  Make donations, buy gift cards, or cut the list of individuals you exchange presents with this year.
  2. Take time for yourself:  This can include an early afternoon skate in the park or a walk to see and enjoy the holiday window displays.  You can catch a yoga class, enjoy afternoon tea with a friend, or learn a new recipe by taking a cooking class.
  3. Do something for another.  There are many volunteer opportunities here in NYC during the holiday season.
  4. Stay busy but schedule down-time
  5. Reach out for help
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Do You Want a More Meaningful Life?

Posted on December 1, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Though “to exist” and “to live” are often used as synonyms, on a human level there is a big difference between truly living and just existing. That difference seems to revolve around the question of meaning or purpose in life. Many people ask the question, “Why am I here?” or “What is this all about?” Others just feel that somehow there is something missing – something more to be had. The “more” we search for is meaning in life.

Psychologists have broken “meaning” into three main parts: coherence, significance, and purpose. Put simply, they are the thoughts, feelings, and actions that define and guide our search for and attainment of meaning. All three work together and all three aspects should be considered and nurtured in order to develop a deeply meaningful life.

Below are some broad suggestions that can help guide you in forming and transforming your thoughts, feelings, and actions in order to create a meaningful life. 

Consider the sacred: There are many religious expressions in the world, but there is one consistency in humanity, and that is that most of us yearn for a benevolent higher power who gives our life meaning. Sacredness creates a feeling of transcendence above this sometimes mundane and painful world. Nurture a sense of the sacred and the knowledge that you are not an accident. 

Determine your strengths: This takes some real soul searching, but it is enlightening and enjoyable. While we can easily recognize the best traits of others, we usually focus on the negative when it comes to ourselves. It’s time to define what character traits you have that make you special and that will be your vehicles to fulfilling a meaningful life. 

Define your aspirations: Aspirations are bigger than goals. Goals are about you. Aspirations are about how you see the world and how you want to impact it. Think about what really matters to you and evaluate how you, in ways large or small, can make an impact. 

Reframe your narrative: Having a “growth mindset” means seeing everything as an opportunity to grow. I’ve had many clients who have experienced serious suffering in their lives. Those who learn to reframe their self-identity from victim to victor are the ones who overcome. Everything in your life – the good, the bad, and the ugly – can be reframed as a source of personal growth and an opportunity to help make the world a better place. 

Make a contribution: Stepping out of yourself and focusing on others is a critical part of finding meaning in life. Especially if you’ve experienced suffering or trauma in your life, you can use your experiences to help others overcome their own challenges. 

Develop deep connections: Nurture close personal relationships with friends, family, and those involved in the same causes you’re involved in. Make the time to communicate and connect. And studies show that hugs on a regular basis improve mood and lower stress. So as long as both parties welcome a hug, embrace! 

Chase fulfillment, not happiness: We all need and want to feel happy. But it is an emotion, which means it’s fleeting. It comes and goes and cannot be maintained constantly. What can be maintained is a feeling of fulfillment. Even if you’re exhausted and drained after a long day of caring for the baby, or alleviating hunger, or working on the ICU floor, you’re fulfilled, because you know you’ve done something really important that day. Find those causes that are important to you, work diligently for them, and you will feel fulfilled.

Life is meaningful when you sense it has purpose. When you direct your energies towards that purpose, you will experience fulfillment. And when you share that fulfillment with others around you, you spread that fulfillment and purpose to others, as well, making the world a better place – which makes your life even more meaningful. It’s a wonderful, ongoing circle of meaning and fulfillment and sharing.

If you need help getting started down this path, I encourage you to reach out to me or to another experienced counselor. It can be very helpful to have a guide as you walk the path toward deeper meaning in your life.

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When an Infertility Doctor Should Refer

Posted on December 1, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

As an infertility doctor, you have a busy practice seeing patients, running tests, and attempting to determine why women and men can not conceive a child. Your office is a place to engage in the medical aspect of infertility while also dealing with patients who are going through intense emotional times.  During visits to your office you may be dealing with questions, tears, and emotional instability.  There is great care shown at infertility offices but you may not be set-up for long appointments working through complex emotional issues.

And this is how I can help your infertility patients.

In my New York City office I help women and men deal with the struggles of infertility. Through my academic training, years of experience as a doula, and continued education in my specialty, I have a unique way to help our patients through this rocky time.

Our patients need someone who not only shows compassion but has multiple options for working through issues.  I have many cognitive tools I can use with a client and skills to teach them so that can get a handle on their feelings.  Many times their fear and anxiety is adding to the pressure they already feel from external forces. I help them deal with their internal struggles as well as the question “when are you having a baby?”

Many individuals are in the process of trying to have a child on their own and it is important for that person to have a safe place to express all their concerns. When a couple is on this journey I encourage them to come for therapy together. I provide a safe and nurturing environment where couples can explore the stress on their relationship.  We work together so they can actually provide support to one another and build strength during this time.

Most importantly, I am available to consult with you keeping you advised of progress.  I know all too well that your work on the medical side can be greatly influenced by stress and anxiety.   You and I can provide a patient with a team approach to their medical and emotional struggles.

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How to Make a Happier Marriage

Posted on November 17, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Every marriage has its ups and downs. You hold on during the down times in anticipation of the up times to come. But the ups often need a little encouragement, because negative emotions can easily get stuck in us and grow. So what can you do to shake off the down times and create a happier marriage? A lot, actually.

When you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage, it’s easy to blame your spouse. But it’s likely your spouse isn’t happy either, so look at yourself and see how you can be a better partner. Sometimes when you start making changes, your spouse notices and reciprocates. 

Change your focus

While it’s easy to notice what your spouse is doing that annoys you, stop looking at that and start focusing on what’s good about your life partner. Bring back that great old phrase “my better half” and start thinking about him or her that way. Does your husband have a great laugh? Does your wife always remember birthdays? Think about everything you like about your spouse and start noticing them daily. 

Once you start noticing them, tell your partner how much you appreciate that trait. “You just have the best laugh!” or “It’s so great that you remember people’s birthdays. You really make people happy.” Make it a point to compliment your spouse at least once every day. What a difference that will make in both your hearts! 

Practice “forgive and forget”

Yes, that can be hard. Big things need to be discussed, apologies offered, and forgiveness given. But little things need to just be forgotten. 

Does your husband always leave his coffee mug on the table when he leaves for work? Don’t let that bother you. Think of it as a little reminder of his presence and be thankful you have him. Does your wife put the seat up close in the car because she’s really short and then you bonk your head when you get in? Make a little joke out of it. After all, she needs to be able to reach the pedals, so she’s not doing it to annoy you. 

Rediscover each other

If you’ve been married for a while, your interests may have changed over time. If you’ve been focused on the kids for years and now they’re moving out, you probably haven’t had much alone time for a while. 

Now is the time to get to know each other again. Talk together about what things each would have fun doing and then start trying them together. Find a few things you both really enjoy, and then make that a new shared hobby. 

Take time to intentionally learn about your spouse. The more you know, the more you can connect in a meaningful way. You should also take time to intentionally create scenarios where both of your are engaged in something new. These are great opportunities to find out about whether your partner is spontaneous, can they laugh at themselves, do they have an interest in broadening their horizons, etc.

Embrace change

Intimacy also changes over time, so if sexual intimacy begins to wane or health issues make it difficult, enjoy intimate moments in new ways. Cuddle time, walks along a beach or in the park, and the sharing of a favorite movie with the lights low, wine, and a cheese platter are all opportunities for romance. 

Don’t be static in your relationship. People change, and circumstances affect us, but this doesn’t mean your love has to grow cold. On the contrary, it has the potential to make marriage exciting! If you need a little help working on some of these ideas, give me a call. I’ve helped many couples reconnect and move forward in their relationships.

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What To Do When You Are Feeling Lonely

Posted on November 17, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

The winter months are coming and the weather will be colder and often drearier. We’ll be inside more and we may have fewer opportunities to interact or engage in some of our favorite pastimes. Even in NYC, a city of millions with lots of things to do at any hour of the day, there can be times when you feel lonely. And if you are new to the city, you might not know anyone yet. So what can you do to overcome or cope with those feelings of loneliness? 

Reframe and rethink

Loneliness is not a matter of having people around; you can feel lonely when you’re alone or in a crowd. Or you can be perfectly happy alone or in a crowd. You can feel lonely when you come home to an empty house after being at work with people all day, or even after being out with a crowd of buddies. So the first thing to do is evaluate what is making you feel lonely. 

Is it a lack of quality relationships? A close friend? A romantic partner? Are you more extroverted and need contact with friends daily, or will one or two interactions per week suffice to eliminate loneliness? 

Acknowledge your feelings, try to define their source, and then you can begin to address and solve them. But look to yourself, as well. A change of thinking can go a long way to help you remain at peace while you’re seeking those relationships that can help you feel more fulfilled. 

First, practice gratitude. Take time every day, or even every time you start to feel sad, and start listing things you’re grateful for. If that’s hard, start with the things you take for granted and it will lead to others. For example: “I’m thankful for my eyes. I’m thankful for my hands. I’m thankful that I learned how to sculpt with my hands and can see my work with my eyes and feel them. I’m thankful for the sense of touch, too.” Etc., etc. One thing leads to another, and soon you may find that your thoughts are more positive.

Watch what you let yourself watch. By this I mean evaluate what media you are consuming. Is it making you stressed out? Is it making you wish you had a life more like someone else’s? These are not positive, emotionally helpful influences, so work to eliminate them. 

Instead, fill your quiet hours with light, sound, and creativity – keeping in mind that the music or art or whatever you choose should not, as stated above, create negative emotions. 

Find your niche

What do you like to do? Is there a group you could do it with? It could be anything: walking, softball in Central Park, mahjong club, or art museum tours. Find a group and try to develop friendships with people who have similar interests.

Exercise is really important for mental and physical health. Join a gym, take a class, and be around those who are also committed to fitness.

If you like animals, get a pet or visit a shelter. Volunteer for an issue you care about, keeping in mind the need to maintain a positive outlook. 

Practice self-care

Besides exercise and positive self-talk, consider other helpful forms of self-care: get a massage, start journaling, or develop a solo hobby. When you are taking care of yourself you might not feel that alone. 

Get fresh air, eat well, and keep a healthy sleep cycle. All these things improve the mood, which in turn can lessen feelings of loneliness as you find your people. 

Understand the “winter blues” and seasonal affective disorder

Sometimes loneliness can be an aspect of the winter blues or the more serious condition known as SAD – seasonal affective disorder. 

Someone with winter blues may become sad during the fall and winter months, have trouble sleeping, and lack motivation. Someone experiencing SAD has these symptoms on a much greater scale, leading to depression and less ability to function normally. There has been a lot of research in these areas, suggesting a connection between light and how it affects the brain. Another thing to consider is the decrease in vitamin D, which is produced when we are exposed to the sun. Insufficiency in vitamin D has been associated with depressed mood.

Applying the suggestions above can help people dealing with the winter blues, and it could be all you need to overcome those feelings and return to a state of inner peace. If you think your feelings are more severe and you may be dealing with SAD, these suggestions will certainly help, but you may find it very difficult to implement them because of your feelings. 

Please reach out for help. Your medical doctor may be able to recommend light therapy or vitamin D supplements in a sufficient dosage. You may also feel the need to talk to a therapist to help you develop more positive thought patterns and behavioral patterns. Give me a call to see how I can help you. We can work together to develop concrete changes that can improve your state of mind.

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Postpartum Depression in Women of Color

Posted on October 26, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Although postpartum depression does not discriminate and can hit any new mother, recent attention has been drawn to the lack of adequate care and support for women of color who struggle with PPD. Because of socio-economic conditions, bias in health care availability, and the stigma in reaching out for mental health support, women of color with PPD are less likely to receive the help they need. 

Endemic bias and social issues

In 2020, 10.4% of Black adults in the United States had no health insurance. In addition, mental health counseling is not always covered by insurance and can be financially out of reach for many Blacks and Hispanics. Hospitals in Black and Hispanic communities are often insufficiently equipped to provide the level of care that predominantly white or Asian communities have. In addition, housing insecurity and poor nutrition from food scarcity or unhealthy food options further undermine physical and mental health, leading to serious consequences. 

Black mothers are four times more likely to die in childbirth. They are 80% more likely to return to the ER during the postpartum period. And women of color are statistically more likely to have their children taken away from them by child welfare if they are deemed medically unfit to care for them. This is a powerful incentive for mothers to avoid reaching out for help when they struggle with PPD.

Recognize the Signs

PPD is sometimes confused with “baby blues” because it is fairly common, and it usually eases over time. However, it is very important not to ignore this condition if it continues past two to four weeks postpartum. Your mental health matters, for your own sake as well as your child’s. If you have any of the following symptoms and they go on for a month or more, you may have PPD:

  • Excessive or severe mood swings, anger, sadness
  • Feelings of worthlessness or failure
  • Inability to bond with your baby
  • Withdrawal from friends, family, and activities you love
  • Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby
  • Excessive sleepiness or an inability to sleep that cannot be attributed to childcare
  • Overwhelming fatigue or lethargy
  • Inability to think clearly or as well as before
  • Fear and doubt of your abilities as a mother

What is being done to help women of color?

New York State is beginning a study of the impact PPD has on vulnerable communities. State Senator Samra Brouk states, “Black women are twice as likely to experience maternal mental health conditions but half as likely to receive treatment. The most commonly used screenings in New York do not account for social determinants of health…[and thus] are less effective at detecting maternal depression in Black and brown women.” The hope is to create better screenings to detect and treat PPD in vulnerable populations. 

In addition, a new app called She Matters is specifically designed to support Black mothers struggling with PPD. Over 180 therapists who are sensitive to the cultural circumstances of vulnerable populations are available on the app to work with women to develop treatment plans and follow the women through their PPD to healing and an improved state of mental health.

These efforts are, of course, just the beginning of what needs to be done to help women, all women, receive the help they need to quickly overcome PPD and experience the joy of motherhood. But women can find help in their own circle of relationships, as well. 

First, ask for help. Do not be ashamed to admit that you are experiencing any of the symptoms of PPD. Usually, these are caused by hormonal changes and a medical doctor may be able to help. Other times, it’s a lack of sleep or simply the feeling of being overwhelmed. 

Reach out to family and friends to provide you with some babysitting support so that you can nap, take a bath, or take a walk in the fresh air to give you some peace and quiet. Exercise and healthy food are also necessary to help you recover. If you’re nursing, your baby is drawing on your nutrition for health. You’re still eating for two, so eat well. This, too, can help improve your mood and lessen your PPD symptoms. 

Some time to yourself and adequate sleep, food, and exercise is sometimes enough to beat PPD, but it’s not always enough. If you are struggling with postpartum depression, or any mental health issue or marital issue, please reach out to me. I am here to help you come out of this difficult time stronger and more ready to build your family.

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Work and Infertility

Posted on October 26, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Dealing with infertility can be an emotional roller coaster for individuals and couples dealing with it. Many people confronting infertility can feel guilt or shame, have a sense of failure or inadequacy, or even think they’re being punished by God for something they’ve done in the past. These emotions can be hard to hide, and in the work environment, especially if you’re working closely with a team, people will probably pick up on the fact that something is bothering you. 

In addition, you may have many doctor appointments, and if you’re receiving any hormonal treatments you may be experiencing physical or emotional side effects, such as exhaustion, headaches, or mood swings. These could all affect your availability at work and even your performance. 

The question is, how much do you share?

On the one hand, it’s your personal life and you are under no obligation to tell anyone. On the other hand, your supervisors and team may need to have some explanation if your emotions or your treatments are noticeably affecting your work. 

There is no one-size-fits-all answer regarding how much you should share and with whom. Office cultures are different and jobs are different. When I work with couples going through infertility, I discuss their work environments with them and help them work out what is right for their own unique situations.

You may find you need some accommodations in order to take your medications at the precise time, for instance, or to allow for personal days after having a fertility treatment that causes unpleasant side effects. This should be discussed with your supervisor and/or HR. But you do not need to tell anyone else if you don’t want to. 

Nonetheless, some people find that sharing that they are struggling with infertility creates a sense of genuine compassion and support among co-workers. You will have to consider your office environment when it comes to this, and remember, if you tell just a few people, someone will tell others, and soon everyone will know. Therefore, I usually encourage clients to keep the details to a minimum in the office environment.

You don’t owe anyone detailed explanations. This is your life and your process. Take time for yourself, especially after doctor appointments and phone calls that might not give the news you are hoping for. Protect yourself from oversharing and be prepared for times when you might break down. 

With whom should you share?

That said, you do need a few close people to confide in. My advice, however, is that those close people not be in the office. Of course, you must keep strong lines of communication with your partner. Surprisingly, it is not uncommon for couples to not talk to each other about their infertility very much. Again, partly it is the sheer weight of emotion, but partly it is a desire not to hurt the other by bringing up a sensitive subject. However, since this is something that so deeply affects both of you, it is important to discuss it. 

I have helped many couples grow closer together as they’ve worked through infertility and fertility treatments. With the right communication and emotional healing, your relationship can grow and become stronger. 

My advice, then, is to turn first to each other for support and share at work only what is necessary. If you need help strengthening your partnership or discerning how to deal with infertility in the work environment, contact me. I’d like to help.

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When You Don’t Agree

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

It’s normal and healthy for you and your spouse or partner to have different views and disagreements. After all, you’re individuals. Differences can often fill in gaps in each other’s nature. This is why we often hear the old adage “opposites attract.” 

How many couples do you know in which one is chatty and the other quiet? One is a little high-strung and the other is very mellow? One seems extroverted and the other introverted? We see it all the time in couples because the partners balance each other well and help each other develop a little of each other’s characteristics.

But these differences can also cause friction in the relationship. Conflicts come in different forms with different root causes. In minor disagreements, compromise is easy. But if your differences are based on core values and neither will compromise, chances are unlikely that the issue will continue to be problematic. 

Core values in a romantic relationship usually revolve around children, religion, moral beliefs, and intimacy. Compromising on one of these often creates resentment in the long run. As a couples therapist, I have helped couples find ways to strengthen their relationships without compromising these fundamental values, but it is challenging and requires focused work. 

That said, most other issues can be resolved or at least improved with respectful communication. 

Resolving differences

The first step in finding a solution is to start with gratitude and appreciation. Remember that you and your partner agree on many things. Focus on his or her admirable qualities. Assume that your partner has good intentions that you need to understand in order to address the situation productively. 

Ask your partner for a good time to talk to resolve the issue. Don’t just dive in. If you both decide on a future discussion time, you can each think through your position and any potential compromises ahead of time. Ask in an affirming way, so your partner knows it won’t be a “nag session.” 

As the saying goes, “Be curious, not furious.”  Try to see your partner’s point of view. Seek common ground. Even when on the surface it seems as if you strongly disagree, you are likely to find areas of overlap when you take the time to talk things out. This is where compromise and mutual respect can take root. 

An example: Differences regarding the pandemic

The Covid-19 pandemic has caused many conflicts with couples who hold very different views on the subject. I have seen married couples in which one spouse is very concerned and takes extensive precautions to keep the family safe while the other sees the illness as nothing more than another type of cold or flu. One spouse is ready to get every shot and booster and give them to the kids while the other thinks natural immunity is better and is very concerned about putting pharmaceuticals into the body, especially in children. One spouse believes and trusts the government and mainstream news while the other is very distrusting and believes it’s all about money and government control.

These differences are very real and they can be very heated because they come from our core values. But I have found over and over that both spouses are concerned about the welfare of the whole family. That is where the two very different views overlap, and this is where mutual respect and appreciation can grow and common ground can be found.

The first step would be for you to remind yourself that you love your spouse and your spouse has many positive qualities. You have come to agreements before and you can again. Approach your spouse and express these feelings first. You can say something like, “Honey, I know we’ve been disagreeing lately about the pandemic. I don’t want our relationship to be hurt by this disagreement, because I know you have our best interests at heart, as do I. We are just coming at things differently. But the conflict isn’t good for us or the kids, so when can we talk it out, hear out each other’s positions in a calm way, and try to come to some resolution?” 

The reaction may be knee-jerk: “We’ve talked about this enough already. I’m not going to wear a mask everywhere (or whatever).” Calmly and respectfully reply with a suggestion that while the two of you have disagreed before, you haven’t really discussed the issue. This conversation would be different. It would be intended to really understand the root of why each feels the way you do, to help the other understand. 

On extremely heated issues such as this, it can help to have a neutral third party present, such as a trained couples therapist. But if your spouse sees that you respect and want to understand his or her position, this will usually break down barriers and real progress can be made. 

In the case of Covid, discuss “what ifs.” What if one of the kids gets sick? What if one of you comes in contact with an infected person? Planning ahead can avoid conflicts when the events occur. 

Be prepared to make a compromise. Neither of you is likely to completely change your mind after the discussion, but if you can understand each other better and appreciate that you’re both acting out of love and a desire to protect the family, some middle-ground should be possible. 

This strategy can be used successfully for most disagreements. In some cases, however, you may have to live with your differences and allow them to “normalize.” You know you’ll always disagree on that issue, and it’s ok. Allow your love to be more important than your disagreements. If you need help with this, give me a call to see how I can help you reach the point of putting your relationship above your differences.

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Your Relationship After the Pandemic

Posted on September 8, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

There’s no question that the pandemic has had a significant impact on romantic relationships. For some, the 24/7 togetherness has made their relationship stronger. A greater appreciation of each other and a need to find things to do together has forged a deeper bond. But for many couples, the non-stop time together has caused a significant strain. 

The fact that your relationship has suffered does not automatically mean that it’s a bad relationship or that it wasn’t meant to be. It just means it needs some work. Some couples are able to give it the extra work on their own, while others need help from an experienced couples counselor. Either way, your relationship can improve if both parties are motivated to work on it. 

Why the strain?

We all have weaknesses and we all have quirks. We also have perfectly fine personality traits that can rub another perfectly fine person the wrong way. None of this is a bad thing. It’s part of being human. And in small doses, these issues can be manageable. But when there is no way to escape these weaknesses/quirks/traits and the problems are not addressed, relationships can suffer. 

Another possible stressor was boredom. If you were previously involved in a variety of extracurricular activities or had a group of friends you saw regularly, the loss of these activities and friendships could make one feel bored and lonely. 

We can’t forget, too, that the pandemic and lockdown themselves created a state of instability, even fear. No one really knew what was going on, when it would all end, and when we would be safe again. Some people got sick. Others lost loved ones but couldn’t visit them. This is a terrible emotional pain that can add to the trial. If you experienced fear or sadness and your partner was not as supportive as you needed, this could have damaged your relationship. 

Additional stressors included job loss or financial instability, issues with parenting when the children were also cooped up at home, trying to balance work and online schooling of children, and a host of other problems that arose during the lockdowns and the subsequent gradual reopening. 

These situations can cause anxiety, which presents itself as irritability, anger, edginess, sadness, fear, or depression. It can also decrease one’s interest in sexual relations, which adds yet another layer of stress to a relationship. 

Turning the situation around

Don’t let the pandemic and lockdowns doom your relationship. You can make it strong and vibrant again. Here are a few tips.

  • Handle boredom by finding a shared passion. Whether it’s cooking, exercise, a book series or tv show, or some other activity, work hard to find something you both enjoy and plan to engage in it frequently.
  • Arrange a little alone-time daily. The old saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is often true. If you both work from home, work separately and come together for lunch. Then talk about your day and “go back to the office.” Find a way that works for you both, in your situation, and celebrate the time that you come back together again.
  • Address the hurts. This is something you may want to do with a counselor, but touch on it together first and you may find that discussing your pain and your feelings may really draw you closer together. You may think your partner will not understand or respond properly. You may be surprised.
  • Since the pandemic restrictions are lifting, start going out with friends again. Do those extracurriculars again. But don’t do them to “get away from” your spouse or partner. Draw him or her into the fun by sharing about it afterward. Again, celebrate your time together after you get home by sitting down together, talking, and sharing a drink or treat.
  • Start dating each other again. Reignite that flame.

These are just a few suggestions that can help strengthen your relationship after the strain of the pandemic and lockdowns. As a therapist working with couples struggling with a variety of stressful situations, I help couples build communication and understanding and reignite their love and passion. I have found that, when both partners want to make a relationship work, it can be done. If you need help strengthening your bond, give me a call to see how I can help.

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