Heartbreak and infertility – What to Do

Posted on January 13, 2023 by Alisa Hafkin

Yes, it is another year and still no baby. I work with many couples just like you who are struggling with infertility. If you’ve been at this for some time, you are probably sick and tired of doctors, drugs, surgery, and exploring medical options. You’re also sick and tired of nosey questions, well-meaning advice, and yet another baby announcement.

Coping with infertility is not easy, but it is possible. One of the focuses of my practice is infertility counseling, and I have helped couples develop a strong, stable platform from which to face the challenging steps to building a family in the face of infertility. 

In order to move forward in a healthy way, you need to learn to manage your emotions in both internal and external ways. By that I mean, both you and those around you may need to make some changes.

Communicate

The first major hurdle is communication. Infertility is not uncommon, and therefore many people are capable of showing great compassion and sensitivity if they know this is something you’re dealing with. So the next time someone says to you, “So, when are you two going to start your family?” you can politely say, “This is a sensitive topic for us and I’d appreciate you not asking. When we have good news, I’ll be sure to let you know.” That should work for most people. For the rude person who doesn’t take the hint, feel free to be blunt.

For friends and family who give well-intentioned advice, your response may change from person to person, depending on how helpful they really are. But if someone, even Mom (and sometimes especially Mom!) keeps asking or suggesting, you may have to be firm.

I can help you develop a strategy for dealing with close relatives without damaging relationships. You need your family for moral support, but that doesn’t give them license. We can work on a strategy to stop the painful comments without cutting them out of your life.

Communicate with your spouse/significant other, too, about what kind of help you need. Do you need a shoulder to cry on? A massage? A shared activity that gets your mind off things? Tell him/her. Your spouse probably also has stress and heartbreak but may cope very differently. Talk about how each of you deals with your stress about infertility and respect each person’s feelings. At my sessions with couples, we discuss ways couples can work together to help each other manage disappointment and move forward with a stronger relationship.

Give yourself boundaries

Just as you’ve instructed others on their boundaries in communicating with you, give yourself boundaries, as well. For instance, you may want to try the “20-minute rule” by limiting yourself to 20 minutes a day of talking about infertility. This can help you turn your mind to other things. And if going to a baby shower is too painful, don’t go. You’re not obligated to do something that causes you emotional pain. Send a congratulatory note and a gift if you can, or ask someone to pick up a gift for you (you can pay them back) and send your best wishes.

Care for yourself

Self-care is a critical part of mental health. Working together, we can find ways to help you relax. I know many people have probably said to you, “Oh, just relax and it will happen.” This can be so painful to hear when you are struggling with infertility that is caused by something other than simple stress. But when you start to take care of yourself, you can at least give yourself some peace as you go through the journey. We will discuss what lifestyle changes may help you during this time.

Look forward

This is your time to take care of yourself and your relationship with your spouse. It’s a difficult time for both of you, but reframing your situation and finding ways to grow closer together can reap great rewards in the long run.

And don’t be afraid to explore non-medical options. Many women and couples have sat in my office adamant that they will not adopt or use a surrogate. But the truth is that just starting to talk or explore the issue can give you peace and a feeling of hope. And sometimes couples find peace and joy in each other and develop a life plan for the two of them that is filled with expectation and satisfaction.

For many couples, talking to a counselor who is expert in the specific needs of infertile couples is just the help they need to move forward in a healthy way. Give me a call to see how I can help.

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Winter and Depression – Be Prepared

Posted on January 13, 2023 by Alisa Hafkin

If you tend to get depressed during the winter months, you’re not alone. Many people feel a drop in their mood during the winter, and for some people, that drop is quite severe. This phenomenon is often called “winter blues.” More severe cases are diagnosed as seasonal affective disorder, or SAD – aptly named.

Winter conditions are conducive to a drop in our moods. Here in NYC, it can get quite cold, with occasional severe snowstorms and fewer events and activities available. You may leave for work in the dark and return in the dark. You may live in a tiny apartment and feel like the walls are caving in. Maybe you are susceptible to illness, so either you’re sick a lot or you stay away from people. Any or all of these conditions can lead to feeling depressed, sad, or lonely.

It is sometimes difficult to not give in to these feelings. There are many simple lifestyle changes you can make that will help improve your mood. If you find it difficult to do on your own, we can work together to define a plan that can help you. 

Steps to lift your winter blues

Limit screen time

Many of us turn to technology to fill the void when we’re home. A lot of evidence suggests that this is not good for us. Besides making us sedentary, internet content consumption can be very bad for mental health. The news often increases anxiety. Studies show that use of social media can actually increase feelings of loneliness and thoughts of self-harm, and worsen body image problems and eating disorders. There is also evidence that screen time causes sleep disruption. Therefore, it’s important to replace use of technology with healthier behaviors.

Choose foods that boost your mood

This doesn’t mean eating “comfort food;” this means eating foods high in nutrients. For instance, eating a source of protein at each meal can enhance your mood and limit between-meal cravings for sweets, which are known to depress your mood. Eat foods high in Vitamin D, such as fatty fish and fish oil, as well as foods fortified with Vitamin D such as yogurt and orange juice to boost your mood and your immunity.

Develop healthy physical activity

Physical activity is a proven mood-enhancer. A brisk walk can reduce mild-to-moderate depression as effectively as prescription drugs. Start slowly if you’re new to exercising, and break your sessions into smaller chunks throughout the day to spread out the good feelings from exercising. 

Develop a sleep routine

At the same time, develop a healthy sleep plan, with a routine that helps you relax and get sleepy. That may include drinking a cup of chamomile tea, having a foot soak or warm bath, reading a relaxing book (a real book – moving one’s eyes back and forth across the page may help relax the mind), turning down the lights, and not using technology in your bedroom. In the morning, turn on a light as soon as possible to awaken your brain.

Get some light

Get out into the sunlight as much as you can. Take a walk during your lunch break, or sit near a bright window if it’s too cold out. If you feel your mood is strongly connected to a lack of light, get a light box and spend time in front of it every day, preferably in the morning.

Get help to develop a plan

If you’re already feeling low motivation, you’re probably going to find it very difficult to start making these changes on your own. Enlist friends or family to make some of these changes with you and help you both stay accountable. It’s always more fun to do things together with a friend or loved-one. 

But even those you love may have trouble making these plans. If so, let’s talk together about what changes may help you, and then you can enlist loved-ones to join you.

That said, your low mood may be caused by more than just the weather. Maybe you aren’t where you want to be in life. Maybe you want a better job but first, need some new skills. Or you want to find a significant other but are scared to put up an online dating profile. For many, self-care is the path to happiness, but they think it is all about bubble baths and manicures. 

Give me a call. We can talk about what fills your cup and then we’ll work together to find more time in your schedule to do what you love. We can also put a plan in place to get you to where you want to be in life.  With a little help and guidance, you can soon be on the path to mental health and life satisfaction.

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What Do You Want to Change for Next Year?

Posted on December 21, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

If you want to make some changes in your life, having a start date can be very helpful. Many people use the beginning of a new year for this start date and make New Year’s resolutions, but you could really pick any date that’s important to you, such as your birthday. Whatever date you choose, don’t get caught in the usual traps of goal-setting that cause most people to give up on their New Year’s resolutions before the month of January is out. Set smart goals and be reasonable. 

SMART goals

Brainstorm and think of the top three things you would like to accomplish or change in the new year.

We often associate New Year’s resolutions with self-improvement, but your resolution may include starting a new hobby or growing in your career. Once you have your top three, it’s time to set your SMART goals. 

The acronym SMART has helped many people develop goals that work. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-limited. So a SMART goal is one that is clearly stated, realistic, and something you yourself can accomplish. Give it a timeframe and measure your success. 

Let’s say your top three are to quit smoking, lose weight, and get promoted. Here’s how SMART goals would work in these examples. 

Quitting smoking is achievable and measurable, because you are in control of your own actions and because many people have quit smoking. Make it a realistic goal by developing a success plan. Overcoming the smoking addiction requires a plan of action, such as avoiding situations that will make you want to smoke, having gum or something healthy in your mouth instead of a cigarette, etc. Do your research and determine the steps that will help you succeed. Give yourself a timeframe – for instance, no cravings to smoke for one whole month before your next birthday. 

For the goal to lose weight, pick a reasonable number of pounds and give yourself a reasonable amount of time. You will not be able to lose 50 pounds in a healthy manner in one month, but you could lose 10. That’s achievable and reasonable if you have created a healthy plan of diet and exercise. It is likely not achievable or reasonable if you have not created such a plan. 

If you want a promotion, define clearly the type of position you’re looking for. Then think about what you need to do to make it achievable – additional training, networking, mentoring, etc. Consider a reasonable timeframe in which to accomplish this and whether you need to set mini-goals along the way. For instance, if you’re an accountant in your firm and your goal is to become CFO, determine what steps you need to take to move up to Senior Accountant or Manager within a year and plan out your future career course for CFO in five or ten years.

Setting yourself up for success

First, don’t expect perfection from yourself. Especially in the case of smoking or weight loss, you may sometimes break your resolution. Don’t consider it a failure, though; consider it a learning experience. What caused you to pick up that cigarette or that candy bar? How can you avoid it in the future? Now recommit yourself to your SMART goals and continue. 

Give your top three goals hierarchy. It’s probably not a good idea to try to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time, but one could roll very nicely into the other. Which goal has the most significant impact on your life? You may be able to start taking steps to move up in your career simultaneously while losing weight or quitting smoking, but since work often causes stress, and stress often causes us to self-medicate with habits such as smoking or binge-eating, you may want to wait until your lifestyle is healthier so you don’t fall into any bad habits.

Planning your goals and creating success plans can sometimes be a challenge. If you need help developing your SMART goals or setting yourself up for success, give me a call. We can work together to set you on the right path, and I can provide accountability that can be the key to your success.

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Boundaries for the Holidays

Posted on December 14, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

The holidays are traditionally an opportunity to spend time with family and loved ones. They are a time for enjoying each other’s company with good food and warm feelings of love and joy. But sometimes those feelings are not so warm. Many people feel stress during the holidays, often from being stretched too thin or from problems with relationships. Whatever causes your stress, setting boundaries will help you enjoy the holidays without undue discomfort.  

Recognizing your stressors

Your stressors could be major issues in your life. For instance, maybe you’re dealing with infertility, and you just know Aunt Sally is going to quiz you about when a baby is coming. Or maybe you just broke up with your significant other and Mom and Dad are going to point out that you’re the only one who isn’t married yet. Perhaps your political or religious views are different from some of your family members, and you don’t want to discuss these topics at a party.

Your stressors may involve what is expected of you. Maybe you don’t want to sleep on an air mattress in the living room. Or perhaps you don’t want to be expected to bring several dishes. Maybe some family parties are too far away, cost too much to travel to, or tend to go on for longer than you like. 

You may love all your family very much and have no issues with anyone, but you’re an introvert by nature and can only handle crowds for a limited time. 

Once you’ve determined what situations or expectations cause you to stress, think about how you can manage them. Think, too, about what you would like your holiday season to look like. 

Planning to manage your stressors

If there is a topic that you want to avoid, make it known. If you have to call a couple of key people to tell them, do it. It’s also helpful to have an ally on your side who will help deflect the conversation. If Aunt Sally didn’t get the memo and she asks about having a baby, your ally can chirp up with a comment such as, “Well, I think that’s a pretty personal question for a public party, Aunt Sally. And by the way, how is Cousin Jack doing in his new job?” 

Give yourself permission to walk away from conversations you don’t like. If you’re not directly involved in the conversation they may not notice. However, if you’re part of the conversation, be polite but firm about your decision to end the discussion. 

If you cannot or do not want to attend a given party, let the host know clearly. Avoid ambiguous statements like, “I don’t think we can make it.” Say instead, “Unfortunately, we won’t be able to make it this year. I hope to see you another time soon.” This goes also for expectations. If the host expects you to bring a casserole, a side dish, a homemade pie, and a platter of homemade cookies, state simply, “I don’t have time to make all of those. I will bring a casserole and a store-bought pie.” 

If you need time to yourself during the party, plan to escape to another room for a nap or to read a good book for a little while. Let the host know ahead of time that you have the need to “recharge your batteries” and ask where you could rest for a bit. Taking a walk can also make you feel better if it’s not too cold where you are. It will help you digest your food, clear your head, and increase serotonin, those “happy hormones” in your brain. 

To avoid disappointment, don’t set your expectations too high. Other people have their stressors, too, and they may not manage them as well as you do. Enter into your family parties with a degree of leniency and humor. Then, when people show their own quirks, you can laugh off a few things without getting upset. 

Making the holiday that will bring you joy

While you’re planning to avoid what you don’t want to happen, plan something that you do want to happen. Schedule some “me time” in the midst of the frenzy of the season. If an invitation arises that conflicts with your plans, say no – unless it’s something you really want to do. In this case, move your “me time,” but don’t skip it. 

Arranging some activities for yourself will benefit your mental health significantly, but take care of your physical health, as well. We tend to eat a less healthful diet during the Christmas and New Year season, with lots of cookies, candy, hot cocoa, and other sweets. Sugar has a negative effect on mental health and it can weaken our immune systems, just when cold and flu season is at its height. To stay healthy, limit your sugar intake. Talk to a nutritional expert about supplements or foods that can keep your immune system and mental health in tip-top shape.

If you’re having trouble defining your boundaries or getting buy-in from family, we can work together to establish the patterns that aren’t working. I can help you find the words to advocate for yourself in a way that doesn’t cause even more stress. Call me to see how I can help.

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Is There a Connection Between Physical Health and Your Mental Health?

Posted on December 7, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

There’s a lot of buzz at schools and businesses here in NYC about mental health. The NYC Council recently voted to establish the Mayor’s Office of Community Mental Health as a permanent part of the city’s government. As a therapist and counselor with a background in social work, I applaud any effort to draw greater attention to the importance of mental health and to find ways to address the increasing incidence of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. 

But our mental health is not separate from our physical health. A mountain of evidence and our own life experiences tell us that we are integrated beings – body, mind, and spirit; our mental and emotional health affects our physical health and our physical health affects our mental and emotional health. 

The mind-body connection

Many studies have shown strong links between our mental and physical well-being. Research shows that psychological well-being and positive self-talk improve one’s physical health, and good physical health can promote good mental health.

For instance, positivity can reduce the risk of heart attacks and stroke. Moderate exercise can be as effective for treating moderate depression as pharmaceuticals. 

The converse is also true, however; poor mental health frequently leads to physical problems, and physical problems can lead to mental health issues. Sometimes the connection is so close that it’s hard to distinguish which is the cause and which is the effect. 

Mental health effects on the body

One of the most common and most damaging mental health issues today is depression. Depression has been associated with increased incidence of heart disease, irritable bowels, stroke, back pain, and certain forms of cancer. Other chronic diseases associated with depression include diabetes, asthma, and arthritis. 

Schizophrenia is associated with a higher risk of heart disease and respiratory disease. Anxiety is associated with muscle pain, digestive problems, headaches, migraines, dizziness, fatigue, and shortness of breath. The mortality rate from cancer and heart disease is also higher among people with mental health issues. 

Some 50-80% of people with mental health conditions experience sleep disorders, like insomnia and sleep apnea, and sleep disorders can worsen mental health, so it becomes a vicious cycle. 

Physical health effects on the mind

Poor physical health also affects one’s mental health. People who are suffering from chronic illness are very likely to develop feelings of depression, anxiety, or hopelessness. 

For instance, psoriasis, a skin condition associated with red patches and itching, can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. Being diagnosed with cancer or experiencing a heart attack or stroke often leads to symptoms of depression. In fact, one-third of people with serious medical conditions demonstrate some signs of mental or emotional issues, such as depression, sleep disorders, and reduced motivation. 

Improving the mind-body connection

Taking care of your body – and all other areas of your life – is critical. For most of us, the answer to healing the mind and body is simply a matter of good self-care: healthy food, regular exercise, sufficient sleep, moderate alcohol, no drugs, and regular medical care. 

Making important lifestyle changes can be difficult, but the benefits are significant. Sometimes it helps to make the changes with another person. Share your goals with each other and then make an agreement to help hold each other accountable. 

If you are struggling to make some healthy lifestyle changes or to change your thinking patterns, don’t quit. Get professional help. Do not hesitate to reach out to me or to another expert who has a long track record of helping people recover from depression, anxiety, and other mental health disorders. As a psychotherapist with a psychodynamic and cognitive behavioral orientation, I provide my patients with the guidance and environment needed to foster self-awareness and the motivation to make beneficial changes. Reach out to see how I can help you.

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Giving Space in Your Marriage

Posted on December 7, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Here in the city that never sleeps (and when we do it is often in a small apartment), your marriage may feel a little cramped and in need of some breathing room. While you may love to spend time with your spouse, spending every waking minute together can be stifling.  

Marriage is the union of two individuals who plan to spend the rest of their lives together, helping and supporting each other, and in many cases, raising a family. But this does not mean that you lose your individuality when you marry. In fact, to do so could doom your marriage. You cannot expect your spouse to fulfill your every wish and need, because no one human being can do that. Therefore, you each need to maintain your own “space.” 

Creating Space

What do I mean by space? It depends on the individual and on the couple, but it generally means having time alone or time spent with other people in a shared interest. It may also include a personal space in the home. 

It’s very important for a couple to have shared interests outside of raising their kids. When they don’t, there’s often a shock when the kids grow up and move out. While many couples see this as an opportunity to discover new interests together, some can’t handle the vacuum and the marriage becomes unhappy or dissolves. You can avoid this by maintaining some shared interests or at least having a regular “date night” while the kids are growing, to keep that sense of togetherness. 

But most of us also need time apart to pursue things that matter to us. And that’s good, for many reasons. When you have quiet time alone, such as taking a walk or a bike ride, you have time to reflect on things that matter to you, including your relationship. I am a strong advocate of couples thinking about what they love or admire about their partners and telling them regularly. That time apart can increase your appreciation for your spouse when you’re together. 

Spending Time With Friends

When you spend time with friends who have shared interests, for instance, going out with the “golfing buddies” or going to art museums with other art lovers, you are continuing to build your own friendships, which can strengthen your marriage. Be careful to avoid any “spouse-bashing” during these times. Sometimes when husbands or wives get together, they swap stories about what their spouse is doing so they can laugh or complain together. Don’t fall into that trap. As I said above, focus on the positive. 

I want to clarify that if you are having marriage problems, you should speak to a trusted friend or a marriage counselor. Marriage problems should definitely not be shared with a group of people during a gripe session. 

With that caveat in mind, spending time with positive-minded friends can strengthen your marriage because it builds your social skills and helps you appreciate your spouse more. It also gives you new experiences to share. 

Having your own time also avoids boredom. If you’re always around the house doing the same old family chores all the time, you can get bored or find your appreciation of your spouse lessened. Going out to do something fun on your own makes coming home a little bit like returning from an adventure with a story to tell.

Finally, sometimes it’s just nice to have a quiet corner of the house to call your own. It can be as messy or as neat as you want. It can be decorated the way you like. It can be your book nook or your workbench. But that personal space also helps nurture what’s unique in you, which can also make your union stronger. 

Ask For Help

So talk together about how you can spend time together while also spending time apart, in order to strengthen your bond and grow in love. If you need help with this, or if your marriage has some rocky areas that need some help from a counselor, feel free to reach out to me. I’ve helped many couples strengthen their relationships and renew their marriages.

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Managing Anxiety During the Holiday Season

Posted on December 1, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

To say “don’t let anything bother you” would be irresponsible.  If you suffer from depression, constant or episodic, then the upcoming holidays may be a concern.  Why are the holidays a problem?  Family gatherings, gift giving, office parties, merriment seems to be everywhere – and you may just want to hide in your NYC apartment and ignore it all.

I never expect you to put aside how you are feeling.  It is so important to acknowledge whatever it is that is bothering you (or the multitude of things).  Take time for yourself and put in place strategies so you can make it through the season and even have some fun!

  1. Be reasonable.  If your depression works hand-in-hand with your anxiety then do not put pressure on yourself to find the perfect gift for the masses.  Make donations, buy gift cards, or cut the list of individuals you exchange presents with this year.
  2. Take time for yourself:  This can include an early afternoon skate in the park or a walk to see and enjoy the holiday window displays.  You can catch a yoga class, enjoy afternoon tea with a friend, or learn a new recipe by taking a cooking class.
  3. Do something for another.  There are many volunteer opportunities here in NYC during the holiday season.
  4. Stay busy but schedule down-time
  5. Reach out for help
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Do You Want a More Meaningful Life?

Posted on December 1, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Though “to exist” and “to live” are often used as synonyms, on a human level there is a big difference between truly living and just existing. That difference seems to revolve around the question of meaning or purpose in life. Many people ask the question, “Why am I here?” or “What is this all about?” Others just feel that somehow there is something missing – something more to be had. The “more” we search for is meaning in life.

Psychologists have broken “meaning” into three main parts: coherence, significance, and purpose. Put simply, they are the thoughts, feelings, and actions that define and guide our search for and attainment of meaning. All three work together and all three aspects should be considered and nurtured in order to develop a deeply meaningful life.

Below are some broad suggestions that can help guide you in forming and transforming your thoughts, feelings, and actions in order to create a meaningful life. 

Consider the sacred: There are many religious expressions in the world, but there is one consistency in humanity, and that is that most of us yearn for a benevolent higher power who gives our life meaning. Sacredness creates a feeling of transcendence above this sometimes mundane and painful world. Nurture a sense of the sacred and the knowledge that you are not an accident. 

Determine your strengths: This takes some real soul searching, but it is enlightening and enjoyable. While we can easily recognize the best traits of others, we usually focus on the negative when it comes to ourselves. It’s time to define what character traits you have that make you special and that will be your vehicles to fulfilling a meaningful life. 

Define your aspirations: Aspirations are bigger than goals. Goals are about you. Aspirations are about how you see the world and how you want to impact it. Think about what really matters to you and evaluate how you, in ways large or small, can make an impact. 

Reframe your narrative: Having a “growth mindset” means seeing everything as an opportunity to grow. I’ve had many clients who have experienced serious suffering in their lives. Those who learn to reframe their self-identity from victim to victor are the ones who overcome. Everything in your life – the good, the bad, and the ugly – can be reframed as a source of personal growth and an opportunity to help make the world a better place. 

Make a contribution: Stepping out of yourself and focusing on others is a critical part of finding meaning in life. Especially if you’ve experienced suffering or trauma in your life, you can use your experiences to help others overcome their own challenges. 

Develop deep connections: Nurture close personal relationships with friends, family, and those involved in the same causes you’re involved in. Make the time to communicate and connect. And studies show that hugs on a regular basis improve mood and lower stress. So as long as both parties welcome a hug, embrace! 

Chase fulfillment, not happiness: We all need and want to feel happy. But it is an emotion, which means it’s fleeting. It comes and goes and cannot be maintained constantly. What can be maintained is a feeling of fulfillment. Even if you’re exhausted and drained after a long day of caring for the baby, or alleviating hunger, or working on the ICU floor, you’re fulfilled, because you know you’ve done something really important that day. Find those causes that are important to you, work diligently for them, and you will feel fulfilled.

Life is meaningful when you sense it has purpose. When you direct your energies towards that purpose, you will experience fulfillment. And when you share that fulfillment with others around you, you spread that fulfillment and purpose to others, as well, making the world a better place – which makes your life even more meaningful. It’s a wonderful, ongoing circle of meaning and fulfillment and sharing.

If you need help getting started down this path, I encourage you to reach out to me or to another experienced counselor. It can be very helpful to have a guide as you walk the path toward deeper meaning in your life.

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When an Infertility Doctor Should Refer

Posted on December 1, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

As an infertility doctor, you have a busy practice seeing patients, running tests, and attempting to determine why women and men can not conceive a child. Your office is a place to engage in the medical aspect of infertility while also dealing with patients who are going through intense emotional times.  During visits to your office you may be dealing with questions, tears, and emotional instability.  There is great care shown at infertility offices but you may not be set-up for long appointments working through complex emotional issues.

And this is how I can help your infertility patients.

In my New York City office I help women and men deal with the struggles of infertility. Through my academic training, years of experience as a doula, and continued education in my specialty, I have a unique way to help our patients through this rocky time.

Our patients need someone who not only shows compassion but has multiple options for working through issues.  I have many cognitive tools I can use with a client and skills to teach them so that can get a handle on their feelings.  Many times their fear and anxiety is adding to the pressure they already feel from external forces. I help them deal with their internal struggles as well as the question “when are you having a baby?”

Many individuals are in the process of trying to have a child on their own and it is important for that person to have a safe place to express all their concerns. When a couple is on this journey I encourage them to come for therapy together. I provide a safe and nurturing environment where couples can explore the stress on their relationship.  We work together so they can actually provide support to one another and build strength during this time.

Most importantly, I am available to consult with you keeping you advised of progress.  I know all too well that your work on the medical side can be greatly influenced by stress and anxiety.   You and I can provide a patient with a team approach to their medical and emotional struggles.

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How to Make a Happier Marriage

Posted on November 17, 2022 by Alisa Hafkin

Every marriage has its ups and downs. You hold on during the down times in anticipation of the up times to come. But the ups often need a little encouragement, because negative emotions can easily get stuck in us and grow. So what can you do to shake off the down times and create a happier marriage? A lot, actually.

When you’re feeling unhappy in your marriage, it’s easy to blame your spouse. But it’s likely your spouse isn’t happy either, so look at yourself and see how you can be a better partner. Sometimes when you start making changes, your spouse notices and reciprocates. 

Change your focus

While it’s easy to notice what your spouse is doing that annoys you, stop looking at that and start focusing on what’s good about your life partner. Bring back that great old phrase “my better half” and start thinking about him or her that way. Does your husband have a great laugh? Does your wife always remember birthdays? Think about everything you like about your spouse and start noticing them daily. 

Once you start noticing them, tell your partner how much you appreciate that trait. “You just have the best laugh!” or “It’s so great that you remember people’s birthdays. You really make people happy.” Make it a point to compliment your spouse at least once every day. What a difference that will make in both your hearts! 

Practice “forgive and forget”

Yes, that can be hard. Big things need to be discussed, apologies offered, and forgiveness given. But little things need to just be forgotten. 

Does your husband always leave his coffee mug on the table when he leaves for work? Don’t let that bother you. Think of it as a little reminder of his presence and be thankful you have him. Does your wife put the seat up close in the car because she’s really short and then you bonk your head when you get in? Make a little joke out of it. After all, she needs to be able to reach the pedals, so she’s not doing it to annoy you. 

Rediscover each other

If you’ve been married for a while, your interests may have changed over time. If you’ve been focused on the kids for years and now they’re moving out, you probably haven’t had much alone time for a while. 

Now is the time to get to know each other again. Talk together about what things each would have fun doing and then start trying them together. Find a few things you both really enjoy, and then make that a new shared hobby. 

Take time to intentionally learn about your spouse. The more you know, the more you can connect in a meaningful way. You should also take time to intentionally create scenarios where both of your are engaged in something new. These are great opportunities to find out about whether your partner is spontaneous, can they laugh at themselves, do they have an interest in broadening their horizons, etc.

Embrace change

Intimacy also changes over time, so if sexual intimacy begins to wane or health issues make it difficult, enjoy intimate moments in new ways. Cuddle time, walks along a beach or in the park, and the sharing of a favorite movie with the lights low, wine, and a cheese platter are all opportunities for romance. 

Don’t be static in your relationship. People change, and circumstances affect us, but this doesn’t mean your love has to grow cold. On the contrary, it has the potential to make marriage exciting! If you need a little help working on some of these ideas, give me a call. I’ve helped many couples reconnect and move forward in their relationships.

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